Revenge By Proxy

 22 May 2024

1116

R. Linda:

Well, well, well! I didn't think this would ever happen, but it did. An unwelcome blast from the past name was mentioned the other day and it was quite the tale that was told to me. I have a cousin back in Ireland who was the bane of me existence. I hated her visits and would hide from her. Me sainted cousin would instruct me sister Sheila and meself on being good children and respectful citizens. She was filled with prissy notions that we should care how we dress, how we speak, etc. She was most annoying to an extreme and every time Mam would say, "Your cousin Oonagh be coming over today, please be nice and entertain her. Don't ya run off now."

We ran off on three occasions, paid the price of no dinner, and spent the evening reading books in our room. No TV, no snacks, we weren't allowed to talk to each other and this, of course, made us dislike Oonagh more. She was four years older than me sissy so she thought she knew it all and acted like it. We were living at the time, on me grandparent's farm in the Republic and SHE was living the grand life in Bangor, NI. Her father was quite a ways up in the running of Ulster County, so they had a lot more than we ever did. 

Oonagh lorded it over us she did. She was one of those people who was over prideful and vain. She was always in dresses and expensive shoes and carried a purse which we made fun of behind her back. No one in my sissy's circle of friends did that. That purse was used as a lecture item on one occasion.

"Did YOU know that the QUEEN carries her purse on her left side? Yes, she does. And when she is aggrieved by someone she switches it to her right as a signal she desires her minions to save her from said bore."

We had to sit through an entire lecture on the Queen's purse and how to properly use one. Like I was going to need that information, and if you knew me sister, she would be the last person to care about the proper side to wear a purse. 

As for me, I had to demonstrate pulling out a chair at the dinner table for Oonagh to sit upon, then whip her napkin on her lap, all this I was instructed by HRH was what a gentleman does for a lady. And I would not have demonstrated this, but me Mam told me to show her what Oonagh had taught me! 

So it was with delight and glee I listened to me sister's blow-by-blow of what happened to Ms. Oonagh when she came to visit Sheila not too long ago. Seems our Oonagh has mellowed a bit. She's been divorced five times and each time it took a toll on her as being seen as unfit to keep a wealthy husband. I guess it was because she spent all their money and they were beside themselves, so divorce city it was FIVE TIMES! Who does that?

It was after number five had had enough of her haughty ways and outrageous spending that she paid a visit to Sheila. Of course, her manners were still intact and she did warn me Sissy she would be stopping by. This meant Sheila had to go out and buy the best tea available, make homemade scones and be sure to have clotted cream and jams available for the royal visit. Yessir, better her than me.

Now something you should know about Sheila. Besides being a rebel all her life (and still is), she thinks nothing of munching on THC gummies to take the stress off. She started taking them for her anxiety. This stumps me because if anything, Sheila be the last person in the world that seems anxious. The royal visit stressed her (which is hard to believe because if anything Sheila be an overly strong personality and nothing seems to bother her). Well, feeling mellow she was prepared for Oonagh. Said royal arrived all flustered and embarrassed by her latest divorce and with lace hanky in hand fluttered about the living room looking for a clean chair to sit in. With hanky at the ready, she brushed the seat of her selection and sat it down, then the arms of said chair. This, you can well understand annoyed me sissy. Her furniture was old, but clean and well . . . the royal nerve!

Listening to the sob story (between sobs) Sheila said something like, "Let me get you some refreshments, that will make you feel better." And off she went to bring in the tea things. While she was busy in the other room, Oonagh, being quite a blubbery mess saw a candy dish full of what looked like little raspberry candies. She picked one up and looked at it, it was gummy and so because her throat was raw from all the wailing she was doing, she popped one in her mouth. Now Sheila had forgotten the gummies were out in her haste to answer the door so the royal personage could step inside. 

As soon as the kettle was ready, Sheila poured the water into her ceramic teapot (for looks, how would it be to serve from the kettle, huh?) and she set the infuser in and this took a bit of time, time which she was drawing out not wanting to go back into the living room, but alas, she couldn't put it off any longer so in she went with the tray ladened with tea things and goodies.

She nearly dropped the tray because as she reappeared there was Oonagh, the scarf she had worn so decorously was wrapped over the back of the chair, her short waist suit jacket crumpled on the floor, pricey shoes kicked off but the look on her face of dreamy oblivion nearly caused a commotion on Sheila's part, so stunned was she by this unusual transformation.

"Arr, ye all right?" Sheila asked stupified. 

"Oh, my gracious good goodness, I don't know what's wrong with me? Suddenly, this feeling of lightheadedness came over me and I got hot. Then I felt drowsy."

Sheila spied the gummies on the table next to Oonagh. Before she could ask if Oonagh had helped herself to the "candy" Oonagh raised up out of her chair and pointed at the wall behind Sheila.

"You painted rainbows! How do you get them to move like that?" 

Uh oh. Just how many gummies did Oonagh help herself to? The wall was white there were no rainbows, and certainly not any movable ones floating about the wall. 

Sheila, too stunned to utter a word, watched as if in slow motion as Oonagh's hand went for another gummie. 

"Nooo Oonagh, stop! Those arr . . . " Sheila put the tea things down with a bit of a crash and went for the bowl full of feel-good. Swinging it up out of Oonagh's reach she laughed self-consciously and mumbled something about the gummies looking like candy but weren't they were medication, and of course, this was all above Oonagh's head because she was very high R. Linda, so high she wasn't comprehending a word out of Sheila's mouth. No indeed. 

The visit which was to be a short one on Sheila's part lasted hours, and I mean hours as Sheila did everything she could to bring her guest "down" from the heights of THC dreamland that she could think of. She estimated Ms. Oonagh partook of at least three gummies, enough to make a horse win the Royal Ascot Derby three times over and all at one time!

When I heard all this and the aftermath of Oonagh finally sobering up to understand what he ingested, and the repeating to Sheila over and over that she let her manners down by helping herself instead of asking her hostess for a piece of "candy," and the whoa is her about succumbing to lower class behaviour, etc., etc., etc. She said she'd never live it down and well she won't, because Sheila has started off conversations with, "Remember when you were high at my house?" and "You know Oonagh, I be tinking of paintin' rainbows on dat wall you taught already had 'em when . . . " Well, I had to laugh and laugh and laugh and I got it out of me system that finally Oonagh was acting like an ordinary citizen and not one of the high and mighty. 

I tell ya, revenge by sister (even accidentally) be sweet. 

Gabe

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