Gabe
Copyright © 2026. All rights reserved
Letters are an art form. They are newsy, full of good cheer (usually), and are written to inform. What follows are letters written to me "cyber-pal" Linda. A friendship I made in me off-hours. I think like most of me letters, you'll find them informative, witty, and filled with the best ingredient of all -- BLARNEY. So, without further ado, and as someone said, contained herewith is a fabulous collection of trivia.
Gabe
Copyright © 2026. All rights reserved
23 September 2026
2017
R. Linda:
I tell ya! Ms Jaio is becoming a real pain in the arse. Because I introduced her to Sam, she considers me the enemy. How was I to know things would go horribly wrong at her and Sam's dinner? How is it I be the one that threw her life into turmoil?
First and foremost, I thought I was doing her a favour by introducing her to a very nice (if not eccentric) guy, whom she approved of at first meeting. Second, I wasn't at the dinner to see a misguided proposal go south (See Story #2001 Hammocks, Matchmaking, and a Misplaced Diamond, 16 August, 2026), so how am I responsible? Third, self-turmoil is of her own creating, not mine. Ok, I asked to talk it out with her and help bolster Sam's side of the story, but she won't even let me utter the first syllable of his name.
As a result, she's been morose for weeks now.
Today, we were on the road for an assignment, and on the way back we decided to stop at a fast-food chain for lunch. We didn't have time to go in, so we would eat when we got back to the office.
So we pulled up. A car was by the checkout, and we were at the menu station. We decided what we wanted and pulled forward to order.
Meanwhile, a packed car of children, with a woman whose hair stuck out from her head like she'd been pulling it out, drove up at the menu station. We'd just finished ordering when the packed car pulled up behind and bumped us. Not enough to think there was damage, but we both turned around and looked.
The driver had an irritated what? look on her face and waved us on so she could place her massive order.
Ms Jaio pulled up behind the guy getting his order and told me that the woman behind us was clearly losing it. I heard her pull up behind us, yelling at the kiddos.
"STOP IT, JUST STOP IT!"
The takeout window was taking their time. Maybe the guy in front of us had a big order. Neither of us was paying attention until the woman with the carload of kiddos started honking her horn and shouting at us to move on.
Now, I have had a carload of kiddos and know it can be stressful because they say and do things to each other that start a lot of havoc. I also know that when you double that with hungry kiddos, it isn't an easy job to cart them anywhere, and you feel certifiable by the time you drop them all off.
But this moronic behaviour from the driver was way over the top.
"No wonder kiddies act crazee." Ms Jaio commented, watching the woman in the rearview mirror. "Driver iz nutso!"
I looked around. The woman was yelling at the kiddos while they laughed.
Yes, laughed at her.
I had a little sympathy for her until she leaned on the horn and yelled out the window at us. Watching her made us miss the fact that the other driver had pulled off with his order.
Some of what she yelled, and the names she called us, made me angry. But Ms Jaio wanted her coffee and sanny and was telling me to ignore the woman.
So we pulled up to the window.
Ms Jaio was smiling like a Cheshire Cat.
I thought either she's finally lost it, OR she had a devious idea swimming around in her head.
She smiled apologetically at the worker.
"Gee, I sorry I have second order to pay for. The big one. This first is his."
She smiled at me and handed the man her card, then handed me mine.
"Oh, no problem, Miss."
And of course, it took a little longer.
I knew the woman behind us' patience had left the building long ago. She started shouting at not only us, but the worker.
At first, I was mystified by what Ms Jaio was doing. Then the worker handed over MY order.
The other order came a moment later.
Ten bags of hamburgers.
Ten drinks.
One coffee.
And a coffee roll.
I caught on.
Suddenly, I was buried under food. I had drinks between me knees and bags everywhere, which made it hard for me to move. Me main concern was how I was going to get out of the car when we got back.
When we saw the coffee roll, Ms Jaio commented that it was obviously the woman's, and we were doing her a favour by not giving her a sugar high. She'd probably yell louder at the laughing kiddos.
"Yup, we did good deed for day," She said, all happy with herself.
We slowly pulled over to watch what happened.
The woman pulled up to find she had no order.
She had to place it all over again.
BUT because there was a line of cars behind hers, the worker made her pull to the back of what had become a very long lunch line.
Yup.
She had to wait with 10 hungry and rambunctious kiddos in a vehicle where she couldn't get out and leave them. She had to listen to them complaining.
We pulled out and started back to the office.
"What are we going to do with all this food?" I asked.
"Give it to co-workers."
She smiled at me.
A vengeful smile, one filled with happy self-satisfaction, of a caper well done.
After that, she was back to her old self.
Let's hope it lasts.
Gabe
Copyright © 2026 All rights reserved
21 September 2026
2016
R. Linda:
Well, well, well. Now the family believes me. I have told them for months that Mrs Dragon was losing it. They said I was imagining things. Everyone knows I have a healthy imagination, so…
BUT here is the proof, such as it is.
Yesterday, Tonya went food shopping. The kiddos are banana freaks, and Tonya always buys a large bunch. We have a banana holder she hangs them on in the kitchen, in sight of everyone. Shipped in bunches, they have a soft plastic at the top to keep them from separating and blue tape around the middle to keep them from bumping into other bananas and damaging themselves or the others during transport. All very well and good.
Yes, indeed, the Dragon lady got carried away, far, far away with what she thought she was looking at: Bananas wearing condoms, is what she said. Let's look at this soft plastic holder, shall we?
![]() |
| YUP |
Ever onward with this dreadful mix-up.
The Dragon does not eat bananas for whatever reason, but she did notice when they were gone. Not in the usual way you'd notice, like nothing hanging from the banana holder; no, it was what was in the trash bin.
What was in the bin was the soft plastic top, but she didn't associate that with bananas, but with something far more embarrassing, like a human banana, if you get me drift. Let me show you what she saw in the trash, and I'll leave the rest to YOUR imagination.
![]() |
| She took this as being a condom |
Well, she did not and said so in many, many words.
Tonya went and took a look, took the picture, and, giggling, showed it to me.
"Yes, Mother, I see it. But it's not a condom; it's the soft plastic they put over the top of the bananas on shipping to hold them together.
"Well, it looks like a condom to me!" She was all put out.
I'd like to say her day got better, but it did not. While the male population of the house was off laughing our arses off, she had got a package. She knows O'Hare loves the legend of Sleepy Hollow and the Headless Horseman, so she saw a resin statue that lights up with a pumpkin light and sent for it.
This is what she ordered on FB, or thought she did. It's about 10" x 10".
![]() |
| Very nice if it really exists |
![]() |
| Close but no cigar |
Well, the reins were missing, so she used some rawhide she uses for bracelets and fixed that. The plastic pumpkin was broken off and didn't work, and while it resembles the original, it's not the original and is cheaply made. Never daunted, she went to the Walmart website to order another one, thinking surely Walmart would have the right one. Well, she received the shipping notice from CHINA; she began to worry, and she should, because what came next was twice as bad as what she got the first time.
![]() |
| Measuring almost 7" x 7" |
Gabe
Copyright © 2026 All rights reserved
19 September 2026
2015
R. Linda:
Did I ever tell you about me unexpected train ride to Galway?
We all know the "Ah, sure, 'tis yourself" acquaintance. You know the one you barely know but who will trap you in a 45-minute conversation about people you might mutually know, but really don't.
Well, the one I sort of know spotted me from across a train platform and was using exaggerated, silent hand gestures and facial contortions to signal he'd like to meet up. To everyone waiting to buy a train ticket, I'm sure he looked like he was making threatening gang signs or having a medical emergency.
I tried me best not to get cornered by this guy, but as he had his ticket, he finally caught me. "What in God's name are you doing behind that wheelie bin?" I thought fast and said I was looking for a dropped Euro.
I knew I was in a spot of bother the exact second I spotted Mick "The Bore" Murphy hovering by the Dublin ticket barriers. Mick was the kind of man who could talk on any subject without saying much, and I would rather walk barefoot over broken glass than spend the next forty minutes hearing about Mick's cousin's cousin who had a bad turn after eating a dodgy sausage roll.
I panicked, yes I did! I pulled me flat cap down over me eyes, executed a sharp about-turn, and sprinted blindly onto the nearest train.
Clack-clack. The automated doors chimed and shut.
A robotic voice echoed through the carriage: "Welcome aboard the Irish Rail Express service to Galway. Next stop, Athlone."
"Aw, you're codding me," I muttered to me stunned self. Me stomach was doing a somersault; I had no fecking ticket! Me Leap Card was un-scanned, and I was currently hurling toward the opposite side of the country.
"Tickets, please. All tickets and valid passes," a booming voice rang out.
Down the aisle strode a fiercely strict Irish Rail inspector. I squirmed. I dove into the nearest seat, grabbed a leftover newspaper from the table, and held it wide open in front of me face.
The inspector stopped right at me row. He stared at the paper as I looked over it at him. "Right, pal. I know times be tough, but are ye reading that Irish Independent upside down for a wager, or are ye just taking the absolute mick?"
I dropped the paper, sweating profusely. "Lo sent, seƱor," I blurted out, attempting a wildly unconvincing Spanish accent. "No habla…the trains."
"Cut the act, sunshine," the inspector sighed, pulling out an electronic machine. "You've boarded an intercity express with no ticket. That's a hundred-euro fixed penalty notice, plus the fare. Name and address?
My brain short-circuited. "Me name is…Paddy…Paddy."
"Paddy Paddy," the inspector repeated, deadpan. "Right. Stand up, please, Paddy Paddy. Let's see some ID, or I'm calling the Gardai to meet us at the next platform."
I stood up, a nervous wreck, patting me pockets, and noticed a teddy bear I'd had under my arm drop to the floor. I had to think for a moment about where it came from as I picked it up. Then I remembered that when I ran for the train, I had picked it up before I slipped on it and mindlessly had tucked it under me arm, where it had been since I got on the train.
The entire carriage went dead silent. An elderly woman two rows back clutched her rosary beads. The inspector took a cautious step backwards, eyeing the teddy bear suspiciously. "Right. What's the toy, Paddy Paddy?"
Before I could explain, the carriage door hissed open at the front. A booming voice shattered the tension.
"GABRIEL! Is that yourself?! What in Saint Brigid's name are you doing on the way to Galway? And why do you have a teddy bear?"
It was Mick. He was on his way to Galway in the carriage ahead of me and now had tracked me down. He must have seen me stand up and all this with the ticket inspector...
"Jayus, Mary, an' Joseph," I whispered.
The train screeched to a halt. Athlone Station.
The moment the doors clicked unlocked, I didn't think—I just ran. I dove under the inspector's arm and sprinted onto the Athlone platform.
"Hey! Stop right there!" The inspector shouted, bursting out of the carriage, signalling to two station guards.
I looked for cover. Seeing an Irish Rail hi-vis vest draped over a luggage trolley, I threw it on, grabbed a stray mop from a bucket, and began aggressively mopping the dry concrete platform to blend in.
In me blind panic, I accidentally mopped right over the polished boots of a local Garda who was peacefully drinking a coffee on the platform.
The Garda slowly looked down at his boots, then at me, wearing a stolen vest, holding a mop, and still fiercely clutching the teddy bear under me arm.
"Right, sir," the Garda said, setting his coffee down. "Step away from the mop. We're going to have a little chat in the station master's office."
Ten minutes later, I was sweating under the fluorescent lights of the back office. The teddy bear sat on the desk between me and the law.
"So," the Garda said, folding his arms. "You hijacked an express, gave a fake name, assaulted me footwear, and you're carrying a stuffed animal like a hostage. Care to tell me what you're playing at?"
Before I could confess to the utter horror of Mick's small talk, the door flew open. The Station Master ran in, holding a phone.
"Hold on, Officer!" The Station Master panted, looking at me with a sudden reverence. "We just got a call from Heuston Station in Dublin. They've been looking for that exact bear all morning!"
I blinked. They have? I thought to meself. Uh-oh.
"It belongs to the Government Minister's daughter!"
I thought to meself: Could this get any worse?
"She dropped it on the platform, and the child was having absolute conniptions. The CCTV shows this man heroically rescuing it from the tracks right before the Galway train pulled out!"
The Garda's suspicion instantly melted into pure Irish admiration. "Well…Holy Mother. A civic duty! Forgive me. I should have known a decent skin wouldn't be mopping dry concrete without a noble cause."
Then he looked perplexed, and I was sure he was wondering why I was mopping the floor.
Before he could voice his concern, the ticket inspector, terrified of a political headache, tore up the fine on the spot. "Tell you what, Paddy Paddy, as a thank you from Irish Rail, we're putting you in the First Class carriage all the way back to Dublin. Free tea and a full Irish breakfast on the house."
The Garda was perplexed as to why I was being addressed as Paddy Paddy and was about to say something, but I opened me cakehole before he did.
"Ah, sure look," I said, playing the modest hero while me heart rate finally slowed down. "It was nothing, just me doing me bit." And I smiled wide.
They escorted me back out to the platform like a visiting dignitary. But just as I stepped onto the return train, a familiar, terrifying roar echoed from the station exit.
"GABRIEL! THERE YA ARE! THE COPPERS TOLD ME YA WERE A HERO!"
Mick Murphy bounded down the platform, a grin stretching from ear to ear. "Sure, since Irish Rail be paying, I'll hop into First Class with ya! We can talk all about me cousin Tommy's knee replacement on the way back. They had to use three different types of stitches! It'll take me at least two hours to explain the kneecap!"
I looked at the train. I looked at Mick.
Without a single word, I dropped the teddy bear into Mick's arms, turned on me heel, and sprinted out of the station entrance into the pouring Athlone rain—happily choosing a seventy-mile walk home in total, beautiful silence.
Gabe
Copyright © 2026 All rights reserved
17 September 2026
2014
R. Linda:
I now know what Ms Jaio must have felt, minus the panic, when I came up behind a work crew of five large trucks (amber lights flashing) and one pickup moving at 5 miles per hour on a double-line country road. We crept along, and I wondered when they'd turn off or if. Yes, a road crew that moved like a funeral procession down the long, winding road. I was taking the scenic route but didn't know that until then. Yes, I could count the leaves on the trees; we were THAT slow!
If I knew then what I know now, I wouldn't have sat in me Saturn cursing the road crew for keeping me from me dinner. Because when I got home, guess who met me at the door — take a guess. I bet you can't figure it out, so let me help you.
Her mode of transportation is a broom; her favourite hat is black and pointed (see below):
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| One of these, but scarier |
She cackles when she laughs, and she reads headlines like this: Fertilised eggs reveal new secrets about the world's biggest dinosaurs. She then gets in a panic: science has fertilised dino eggs to produce some gigantic monstrosity that will eat us. She gets in a huff when I try to correct the misreading to fossilised, and says, "Not everyone is blessed with a big brain like you." To wit, I wanted so badly to tell her it wasn't me big BRAIN that saved us from Jurassic Park. It was me EYESIGHT.
Yes, that person, the Dragon lady in all her Halloween glory, is a month early!
There she was standing at the door, looking every inch the owner of the house. She has one in the Pine Barrens of New Jersey, but because HER daughter lives in my house, SHE somehow is its master.
I sighed. I got out of me car, trying to contain the unwelcome surprise and not slam the Saturn door so the inertia switch would go off (leaving me no escape), and with my briefcase in hand, came reluctantly to me door, where the dark shadow of the Dragon dominated the entrance.
"Mrs A, how are we?" I croaked at her.
"WE are just fine," said she, not asking after me, I noticed.
Reluctantly, she stepped aside and LET me enter me own home. I looked behind me, and she stayed by the door, as if waiting for someone. Then it hit me: she's probably waiting for WEASIL! Oh no, not these two AGAIN. I just got home; this wasn't how I wanted to end me day!
I didn't have long to wait; I had just set my briefcase down when I saw the red speed wagon come roaring to a stop, shy of hitting me own vehicle. And there he was, getting out of the Mustang, all smiles, struggling to pull something from the backseat.
I craned me neck to see, and oh no! It was this AGAIN:
![]() |
| Oh boy. Here we go once more! |
Dinner was cooking. I had lost me appetite. Tonya looked surprised to see Weasil, just like I did when I saw her mother! Mam 'tsked' and went back to stirring something on the stove. The boys all got up and ran to Weasil like mana was falling from heaven.
"Get another plate, will you please, Gabe?" Tonya asked, trying hard to keep her displeasure from becoming front and centre.
"Well," I said with a big smile, after we were all seated for dinner. "Isn't this nice, everybody's here."
"And the contraption is here too!" Tonya said brightly, as if she were thrilled. She even gestured towards where it sat on the countertop like she was Vanna White.
The three kiddos were enthralled. Exclamations rang out, but mostly "What is THAT?" more times than I can count.
"Yes, I see that," I said. "SO why is it back, Weasil?"
"OH! Cause da missus from New Jersey wanted to see it; iz why," he said, smiling and digging in.
I turned me attention to Lady Dragon.
"And why is that?"
"Because I wanted to see it, and I can probably tell our boy here what it is," she said smugly, like she could see things and know what they were telepathically.
"Well, okay then."
'Our boy'? Since when? I was wondering when that happened. I've heard Weasil called many things, usually not complimentary, but 'our boy'? Nah.
"I think as soon as dinner is over, Mother, you and he should get right to that, so your guest can get home before it's too dark," Tonya suggested sweetly.
Oh, Tonya, me darlin' girl. You be so clever, I sniggered and thought to meself.
"Oh, no, no, no," The Dragon clucked, "just looking at that thing, it's going to take some time. We have all week."
"We do?" I blurted out, and Tonya kicked me under the table to shut me gobhole. "I thought WE established it was nothing, just some Steampunk contraption." (See Story #2011 "Itz Worth Thousands" 6 September, 2026)
"YOU may have, but I haven't…yet," said the mightily insightful Dragon.
Well, let me make a long, sorry, story short: why don't I? It took no more than four hours—FOUR HOURS!—for the great scientific mind from the Pine Barrens to reach her conclusion.
"Hum, I may need a few days to hash out what that is." The Dragon surmised, much to my and Tonya's horror.
Four hours to arrive at "I don't know." Brilliant!
And then, maybe a few more days? Over me dead body!
But brilliant is as brilliant does, me own eldest kiddo said this: "Have Coraline take a look; she's the scientist. If anyone can figure out what that thing is, she can."
I wanted to pick his big self up, spin him around and plant a big kiss on his red-bearded face! I was that thrilled that that was the answer all along. It would send Weasil roaring home and the Dragon flying home-- like that night! I was ever optimistic and filled to the brim with hope; I was.
And guess what? The Weasil left, yes, he did! He grabbed the contraption with him and couldn't get out of here quick enough. I helped him carry it to the Mustang, just to make certain there were no delays.
That's one down.
I turned around.
The Dragon was still sitting there.
She was at her ease, shaking her head at O'Hare like he'd just deprived science of one of its greatest discoveries.
"You know," she said, "I could have figured that out if I had a few more days."
I looked at Tonya. Tonya looked at me. Neither of us said a word. We didn't have to. That's when I thought about those five big trucks I'd been stuck behind on the way home. The flashing amber lights. Five miles an hour. Me sitting there in the Saturn, cursing every one of them because they were keeping me from me dinner. And I realised what a bloody fool I'd been.
They weren't keeping me from dinner. They were keeping me from HER. If I see that road crew tomorrow, I'm buying every man on it lunch. And, if they'll let me, I'm parking the Saturn behind them and following them all the way to…to…anywhere but New Jersey!
Gabe
Copyright © 2026 All rights reserved
13 September 2026
2013
R. Linda:
Yesterday, I watched the news with Mam. She suddenly hushed me and turned the sound up.
"Wot?" I asked her.
"IRELAND, he's talking about IRELAND, uniting the country!"
Okay then, I thought. Obviously she caught something I didn't. I wasn't paying attention because when Trump came on screen, I thought he was talking about his golf course. I knew he was in Dublin but wasn't interested, because I am no golfer meself.
She ran the clip back.
"Listen ta dis!" She instructed me.
Trump was being Trump. Out of the blue- oh, make that out of the green- he decided he could fix a problem the people of Ireland wrestled with for centuries. Unification of the entire island. He thinks it can be sorted out because, in his words, unification would be "very cool" and "how can it be bad?"
She paused the telly and looked at me, repeating, "How can it be bad?"
I shrugged and signalled her to unpause so we could hear the rest of the plan.
He was saying in so many words that Ireland should be one whole country, not the North a part of the U.K.
"Would someone speak up!" Mam shouted at the telly. "Tell that man about the Good Friday Agreement. Tell him what Unionists are, what a Nationalist is, explain the many referendums, consents, Stormont and a hundred years of Irish history!"
She looked at me.
"Huh? You aren't suggesting? Oh, Mam, I be not there; I be here, and I wouldn't get into the same room with the misinformed man, now would I? How would I explain to a man who thinks he is remarkably good at fixing boundaries, for heaven's sake- he'd rename Ireland- I'd be sure, say something like…like…Lesser America?"
"More the reason." She huffed.
All day she was on this, like I could do something about it. I kept telling her that, by the looks on the Irish faces surrounding Trump, they weren't hot on the idea. So was it any wonder that when I went up to bed last night I dreamt about being in a room with Trump, trying to explain the Good Friday Agreement?
That night, in me dream, he listened to me for like ten nanoseconds and said, "Right. So what you're saying is, nobody thought of just joining the two pieces? Okay, here's the problem." Trump produced a thick-tipped Sharpie and drew a thick black line through Northern Ireland. "This line. Terrible line. Maybe the worst line anybody ever drew."
MicheƔl Martin said from behind me, "That's the border."
"Exactly, we get rid ot it."
"You can't just erase a border."
Trump rubbed it out with his sleeve.
"Just did."
I was speechless; did he not understand a word? Obviously not. He took the Sharpie and went over to a map of Ireland, circled the whole of it, and wrote IRELAND across it.
"There. Unified. It's a beautiful thing. Ireland, unified."
I sighed. "Sir, Northern Ireland is part of the United Kingdom. Your friend, King Charles…he wouldn't like that, I don't think."
He looked back at the map. "Which part?" he asked.
"The top bit, right there where it says Ulster." I pointed.
He scoffed, "THAT tiny bit?"
"Yes."
"And Britain wants it?"
"They do."
"Why? There's not much there."
I knew no explanation for the last several centuries would sink in as to why Britain wanted to hold onto Northern Ireland.
"Well," he said, "Give Britain compensation." He had the Sharpie out and was trading territory like properties in Monopoly.
"Okay, so Britain gives Northern Ireland. Ireland gives Britain something in return. What have you got?" He turned to me.
"Sir, countries don't generally work that way."
"They absolutely do. I've done deals."
I turned around to spy MicheƔl Martin still sitting in the room, desperately trying to prevent himself from becoming the owner of Wales. Somehow he knew what was coming.
Trump grunted, picked up his Sharpie, and circled Scotland. He turned and said smugly to me, "These guys want out too."
"Not all, some." Martin offered.
"And Wales?"
"Well—" Martin squirmed.
"Jesus. What exactly is England doing over there?" Trump asked, but didn't really want to know.
Martin and I watched as Trump methodically dismantled the United Kingdom with his Sharpie. We both sat there blinking uncontrollably at each slash of the Sharpie.
"Northern Ireland goes to Ireland." He turned around with a thought, "When Scotland hears about this, they will want out too and Wales? Agh, they'll want a piece of it too."
Martin sighed and whispered to me, "I can just imagine King Charles demanding to know WHO authorised any of that…that raimĆ©is!"
Trump looked at Martin. "You want Wales?"
"Why the hell would I want Wales?"
"Beautiful country, tremendous sheep.
"We have a beautiful country and sheep here."
"Even better. We'll call it New Wales."
"There is already a New Wales," Martin corrected, "it's on the east coast of Australia."
"New Ireland, then," his marker printed over the map of Wales.
This kept escalating because he'd found the many islands that surround the U.K. Martin yelled at him, "Stop giving away countries! You can't just do that."
I bolted upright in bed, sweating. What was I dreaming?
I woke Tonya, not meaning to, by me squirming.
"What the hell is wrong with you?"
"I just dreamed Trump unified Ireland with a Sharpie pen."
She stared at me; I could see her eyes glowing in the darkness, like a cat.
"And?" She meowed.
"He gave Ireland Wales."
She rolled over. "Go back to sleep, Gabe."
"I don't want to. I think Scotland's next."
After a while, I drifted back to sleep, but not where I wanted to go.
I found meself suddenly in the same room without Trump, just Martin. The telly was on, the reports were coming in that the NI Unionists who had cultivated relations with Trump were denouncing his Unified Ireland. In a twist, the Nationalists who couldn't stand Trump's policies have discovered, very briefly, that maybe he isn't such an awful fellow after all. SDLP politician Colum Eastwood was jokingly posting, "I always liked him," while Claire Hanna cracked that Trump was "not as orange as he looks!"
Martin pointed out the window, and there was a horde of jubilant people wearing T-shirts that said: TRUMP: MAKE ULSTER GREAT AGAIN.
"Oh, dear." Martin groaned.
The telly interrupted our window-watching. We turned around from the shouting of, "I've waited me whole life for a united Ireland!" and "Jayus, Mary an' Joseph, put the border back?"
I looked down at the headlines in the newspaper and pointed: TRUMP: 32 COUNTIES, ONE GREAT DEAL.
Then I looked at Martin and said, "Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh dear." How in hell did I get involved in this? I don't even know all the counties in New Hampshire!
"You know what this will start, don't you?" He said to me, "He'll return to Washington very pleased with himself, and he'll announce he has SOLVED Ireland's unification problem, AND that he's available to settle other difficult territorial disputes."
I nodded. Yes, I could see that. "Someone needs to hide all the globes."
"Too late, he's already seen Canada. He said, just before this idea popped into his head, and we were discussing tariffs, that he's made America Great again. When suddenly he looked at the globe on the table, pointing out the U.S., he turned to me and said, 'Wait a minute. Why is that whole thing up there a different country?'"
I commiserated with Martin by mumbling, "Here we have an outsider wandering into one of history's most complicated political questions on earth and treating it like he's rearranging tables at a wedding."
"And 'How can it be bad?'" Martin threw up his hands in frustration. "800 years of Anglo-Irish history and he concludes the problem is that nobody before him had a Sharpie that could make good deals on a map."
We stopped talking; there was a knock on the door, and Trump popped his head around. "I'm baccck! I realised you guys have another problem."
"What might that be?" We both asked in horrified unison.
"Prince Harry." He looked at the map. "Where's Harry?"
"California, or he was. England now, I believe." I said, looking to Martin, who was nodding in agreement.
Trump stared at me for a minute. "Why in California?"
Martin and I both shrugged.
Suddenly, we were all aware that Harry and Meghan were sitting at the table where the globe was. Nobody remembers inviting them!
Meghan had a folder labelled OUR TRUTH. Harry looked confused. And I am thinking, well, thank the powers that be, finally somebody at this table who knows less about why he's here than I do.
Trump declares Harry is the obvious solution to the monarchy problem.
"You're a prince."
"Well…yes."
"Great. You can have Scotland."
"I don't think Scotland wants me."
"Everybody wants Scotland. Beautiful golf courses."
Meghan leaned over and whispered something to Harry.
Harry said, "Meghan thinks we should have Canada."
She pulled on his sleeve; he leaned in towards her as she whispered again.
"And Australia. You know, two for her, one for me."
The bloody greed of these two, especially the missus!
Trump shook his shaggy head. "No can do. Canada belongs to America! Now Greenland, there's a country for you, well, not you. Greenland. American, so don't even think it."
I sat there wondering why everybody was getting countries, when that thought was broken to smithereens by Trump saying, "Since Harry left Britain, he clearly understands secession. So, Harry should become the official adviser on breaking up the United Kingdom."
I whispered to Martin that Harry AND Meghan were doing a bang-up job of that on their own.
But Harry tried to explain that leaving the Royal Family wasn't quite the same as Irish reunification. But Trump waved him off.
"You left England. Ireland wants to leave England. Same thing."
"Actually, Northern Ireland—"
"Harry, I KNOW borders. I'm the Border King."
Just when I thought this couldn't get any more bizarre, King Charles walks in carrying a cup of tea.
"What precisely is going on?" He regally inquired.
Trump proudly pointed at the map. "I fixed your country."
Charles put his teacup down and, with his hands behind his back, perused the map…for a very long time, seemingly discovering his losses one at a time. He coughed into his hand and half-turned toward Trump. "Northern Ireland is gone." He paused and turned again. "Scotland appears to be gone." A longer pause this time. "And Wales?"
"Martin's got that."
"I don't want it."
"Harry gets Scotland and Meg here, maybe Iceland, and they share Australia on weekends in case you missed that," Trump said, much like a Realtor explaining what properties sold.
Charles stared at the map. I could feel he was silently seething.
"Where is England, landed?"
Trump pointed. "That's yours."
"How very generous of you." Charles turned toward him, looking less than happy.
Another voice said, "Gabriel Alloysius O'Sullivan, wake the hell up!" And I realise that's me own voice.
I heard meself say out loud, "But wot do I get? You didn't give ME a country yet! Even an island, I'll take the Shetland Islands or the Isle of Man maybe…"
"What is going on?" Tonya said, disturbed that I woke her again.
"I dreamt Trump united Ireland, untied Britain, Harry got Scotland, I think, Meghan got Iceland, and Martin got Wales, that he didn't want, and I got nothing!"
Silence.
"Why'd you get nothing? What did you do?"
"That's what I kept fecking asking meself!"
She found me funny!
Gabe
Copyright © 2026 All rights reserved
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| She sends me this |
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| Barnaby (I took this off the TV) |
Gabe
Copyright © 2026 All rights reserved
06 September 2026
2011
R. Linda:
I thought that with everyone gone, life might and I say might, because nothing is ever written in stone when it comes to me--return to some kind of normalcy. I hoped that anyway. After the Doc Holiday incident, things were going smoothly. Annie Jenkins, who owns the former escapee, came over with a homemade carrot cake for moi. I shared it with all, and I was very proud of me horse-wrangling capabilities; how I managed that gigantic horse-saving was the talk all over our little horsey town, giving me a bit of celebrity.
That was until a certain red mustang pulled down me driveway.
Say so long to a calm, cool, and collected lifestyle, and hello to chaos, weirdness, and frustration personified. Yes, R. Linda, the Weasil was BACK!
My first reaction was to turn off the lights, lock the door and hide. But too late for that, Tonya was looking out the window, waving at him as he pulled up.
"Oh, Gabe! Weasil's here."
Like I didn't know that. I sighed. There was nothing to do for it but open the door and let the young whippersnapper in to usurp me world and create as much craziness as he possibly can get away with.
I opened the door with a flourish, bowed to me waist and gestured the young scamp inside.
"Your Majesty, back so soon? What brings you to me neck of the woods?"
He grabbed me by me shirt and shook me as he said, "Gabby, I gots somethin' valuable fer like an American dollar!"
"You did?" I feigned surprise and enthusiasm, but he didn't seem to notice. He thought I was enjoying his announcement.
"Aye, I wentz me way downie to Beanie Town an' I was passin' an antiquie store when I saw it!"
I bit: "Saw what?"
"It'z out in me speed wagon."
OK, speed wagon, that's what he calls the Mustang. Last I heard, he had named it Alma. But hey, speed wagon is what it be. He speeds like a demon.
"Well, go get it." I encouraged, still feigning enthusiasm that was not there.
I stood there looking at Tonya, who had cowardly retreated to the kitchen. She was standing with a cuppa tea and smiling at me, like a Cheshire cat.
"Not nice, Ton. You should be standing here with bated breath waiting for the great find to appear in the doorway."
"Nah, that's ok. You can act sufficiently overwhelmed for both of us."
Well, let me tell you, I was bloody overwhelmed for real. I had no clue what Weasil had in his arms. He had a huge grin on his weasely face like he had scored the winning goal for Man United.
"Sos, wot ya think?" He said, extending it so I could get a look all around it.
I put on me analytic face and rubbed me chin, taking it in. Out of the corner of me eye, I saw Tonya, brow furrowed in perplexity, looking from the kitchen. I raised me eyebrows at her, like, what the hell is that thing? She read me perfectly and shrugged.
"Um, very nice. VERY nice." I said as if I was truly impressed.
"Yeah, I made out I did." Said he. "It be worth thousands!"
"O K. What the bloody hell is that?" I asked.
Weasil hesitated for the tiniest beat.
"Dunno."
"SO, let me get this straight: YOU saw something strange, decided it was valuable, and paid practically nothing for it? And here you and IT are."
"Yuppers we iz."
R. Linda, I know you are dying to see this thing, just like Tonya was. I showed him into the kitchen, and he set it on the counter, and with silence reigning, the three of us stared at it.
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| Weasil's acquisition and me experiencing perplexity |
"Any ideas there, Tonya?" I asked her.
"No, but I think we need something stronger than tea. I'll be right back." And off she went for the Jameson bottle and glasses.
"Take a wild guess, Weaz, what do you think this is?"
"I've absolutely no idea, BUT I knowz itz worth sumthin'."
"Looks like junk to me," Tonya said, putting the "refreshments" on the countertop.
That remark upset the Weasil greatly.
Once we had our shot glasses in hand, we stood there sipping and offering explanations.
"I especially like the glass globe," Tonya said, "it is some kind of ridiculous contraption."
"Oh, it be that," I agreed.
"And the magnifying glass, um, well, I'm sure there is a perfectly plausible explanation for whatever it is."
"It looks old," I offered. "Its purpose is not immediately apparent." I surmised more to meself, which brought "You think, Sherlocke?" From the wife.
"Itz worth thousands," Weasil mumbled again.
"Here, let me take a picture of the 'thing,' and I'll put it in Finder and see if anything comes up." Tonya took a snap and punched in "WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?"
I regretted that I even opened the door to this bullshit.
"It's searching," she said. "And still searching," she said, smiling, tolerating us, and the 'thing'.
"I juz knowz it be worth thousands," Weasil mumbled again, tracing his finger along the thermometer or whatever the tube thing was.
"Okay, let's really look at this thing," I said. "It has a globe; it has a thermometer, or is that a pressure gauge? It has a weight measurer, it has a counterweight, it has a magnifying glass and two things I haven't a clue about."
"Have fun figuring out what the blasted thing supposedly measures," Tonya said. "Oh, here it is," she said, flashing the photo that came up.
"Ooh, ooh, dats it!" Weasil shouted, all excited.
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| Found in an antique shop |
Only it wasn't an antique.
"So how much iz it worth?" Weasil asked, surprised she found it.
"Ohhh, how much did you say? Thousands?" She asked, and he nodded his head in a lively affirmative, anticipation of joy written all over his face.
She sucked in her breath and shook her head.
"I hate to be the bearer of not-so-good news, so please don't kill the messenger, BUT…YOU'VE STEAMPUNKED YOURSELF!"
"Steampunked? You mean itz a steampunk creation? OF WOT?" This said with immense irritation.
"It doesn't say. But it does say this: Steampunk creations can be made from or depict completely "useless" articles, and in fact, this is a major part of the subculture's charm."
I tried hard to keep meself together. This was rich, almost too rich. Crap like this happens to me, not Weasil, so you know I was enjoying the heck out of all this.
Against every law of nature — I turn out to be right.
Gabe
Copyright © 2026 All rights reserved
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| Good dog! |
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| Doc in the stall |