Hammocks, Matchmaking, and a Misplaced Diamond

16 August 2026

2001

R. Linda:

As I get to know Sam, I feel bad about me first impression of him. He is nothing like I thought. Well, let me correct that: he's a little bit like what I thought. Anyway, we have quite a bit in common, like telling exaggerated stories, investigating anything bizarre, and appreciating a quiet camaraderie when needed. Yes, Sam be a hammock guy just like this guy!

I found this out when I dropped off a borrowed stud finder at his abode. He told me he'd be around back, so just come there. I did, thinking to find him hard at work mowing his lawn or something like that, but no, no, there he was stretched out in his hammock sipping a coconut water. 

I had to stop in me tracks; I did, What-ho! Sam in a hammock, like moi? Instead of doing yard chores, he found time to laze about like ME? Well, this led to a conversation about hammocks, iced tea vs coconut water, getting out of yardwork, and similar ills we seem to share.

A few days later, he stopped by me abode and found me, just like him, in me hammy, sipping on an Arnold Palmer, letting the grass grow high. 

Next to me hammy is another one that I got for Tonya, who has yet to lie in it. She's too busy in the garden, she says, so I invited me new bestest bud to try it out. I poured him an Arnie, and we both sighed, satisfied with our little worlds, and swung gently in the breeze, both of us lulled into naptime. That's how the wife found us. It must have been her shadow blotting out the sunlight that awakened us. 

She wore her garden gloves and her sunhat. An arm around a flower pot and the other wiping sweat off her forehead. 

"Uh . . . yes?" I said, acknowledging her presence; how could I not?

"I hate to disturb what looks like my kindergarten naptime, but YOU, mister, have got to get this lawn mown today before your mother starts on the snakes in the tall grass thing that gets quite a bit annoying."

Then she looked down at Sam and smiled,

"Hi Sam, how are you?" Said she, like he mattered and I was chopped liver.

He got up, said his pleasantries back, and offered to take the blame for me inactivity, but she knew better. He left after that.

"Well, sorry if I chased your little friend away, but the grass?" She said with one hand on her hip, which is a sign she means business NOW!

"Tsk, okay, I will get to it, but did you have to be scary and run off me new best bud?"

"Oh, pull-ese." She said, leaving me to it. Then she threw over her shoulder, "You know, you were both lucky I didn't start that mower underneath you."

And why didn't she? I wouldn't put it past her. Probably didn't think about that until after. 

So, after I finished the lawn, I did some matchmaking. I know, I know, I promised never to do that again, but in this case, I just couldn't help meself. I got the idea for this from listening to Sam and Ms Jaio tell me how much their love life sucks. She is always complaining about Maureen at work and how she's always setting up Patrick to date her single sister, Rose. I am guilty of not keeping you across on all this, I know, but hashing it out is exhausting. Anyway, Ms. Jaio expressed an interest in getting Maureen to help HER find someone, just not Patrick. 

"Sum ting always goes wrong for me." She had said when it came to dating.

This has got on me last nerve, it has. I seriously started looking around the office for someone to sic on Ms. Jaio to keep her busy and keep me ears from listening to the stories of non-dating woe she spews to me daily.

Before our naptime, as Tonya calls it, Sam told me the dating pool in town was sparse. He has one lady who just loves him, but he can't abide her for more than two minutes at a time. So, here it is: I like Sam; he isn't married, said he's not met the "right one" yet, and he assumes he will die a bachelor. When he said this, Ms. Jaio's image popped into me head and well . . .

I introduced the potential love birds. And they hit it off, I'm pleased to say. SHE said, "He's not verr good luckin' but afta that Patric fiasco I'm glad." 

"He's a nice guy," I said. "Looks don't mean everything."

"I know he is. I jus mean that's a plus."

As for him, he was intrigued because he thinks Ms. Jaio is the most interesting woman he's met, ever. Things have been going well; he does have a small problem: she's in Boston, so it's a drive. They don't go out but on Saturdays because of that, and he sleeps in his hammock most of Sunday to recover. 

As for Ms. Jaio, she's very cheery and talks Sam all the time. It's Sam this, and Sam that, and well, at first I was thrilled, but now it's getting old. Sam has attained superhero status, and I was starting to get nervous about what I did. I actually looked in the mirror and said to meself, "WHAT DID YOU DO? ARE YOU CRAZY? What if those two get married and then you have BOTH of them closer to you than before? You can't get away. I know Sam is okay, but can you really, really take more of Ms Jaio? Because, GABRIEL, she's going to be in your life 24/7. At least during the day, Sam can get away from her, but not you, Mr. O'Sullivan. You will see her outside work and at work. Your smile will be a permanent frozen feature on your face FOREVER!"

However, all that self-recrimination wasn't necessary. And, I'll tell you why.

This last Saturday, Sam made reservations at some Boston bistro that his Ms. Jaio likes. He wanted to surprise her with a card that said, "Happy 4th Anniversary," because it would be 4 whole weeks since they started dating. I thought that was a bit premature, but hey, I'm not Sam.

Well, here's the kicker. Everything went well. At dessert, he handed her the card, and she was touched. Very touched. As she gazed into his eyes with adoration, the cake she ordered arrived, and, letting go of his hand across the table, she picked up her fork and took a bite. Then she took another, then a third. When she was marvelling to him how wonderful the cake was, she stopped mid-chew.

He sat there with his fork in midair, staring at her. He knew something was amiss. He watched as she got her napkin to her mouth and spit something out, her eyebrows furrowed in indignation.

"What's wrong?" He whispered across the table.

She held a hand up in wait as she reached into her napkin, which she had placed in her lap. Then all of a sudden (he said), it was like the sun came out. She looked at him with surprise written all over her face.

"What?" He asked, really curious.

"Oh, you," she giggled, tears in her eyes. Then she held up the diamond sparkler, wiping the cake icing away to show him.

He said he sat there gaping at the sparkling ring, wondering where the hell it came from. Was this a prank she was pulling on him? 

"I . . . I . . . " was all he got out.

"YES! I will marry you!" She blurted out.

OH TOO LATE NOW, SAM.

But Sam did notice one thing out of the corner of his eye. Everyone around him and Ms. Jaio were smiling at the 'newly engaged' couple, except one couple. The man at that table was waving for the waiter, and the lovely woman with him looked very jealous of Ms. Jaio. Sam saw the waiter bend down, listening to the gesturing man as he pointed at Ms. Jaio and the ring. 

Suddenly, the man got up from his table and accompanied the waiter to Sam's table. 

"Excuse me," he said to Sam, "Is that your ring?"

"Well," Sam said, clearing his throat and trying not to look at Ms. Jaio, "No, it is not."

"Wha . . . ?" Ms Jaio said, looking at Sam.

"I'm afraid you have the wrong cake." The waiter said to Sam and Ms. Jaio. "That order was for that table. My apologies to both tables."

The almost not engaged man held his hand out to Ms. Jaio, who dropped the ring in his palm. With that, he turned on his heel and went back to his relieved lovely, who was all anticipating a proposal.

An awkward silence fell between Sam and Ms. Jaio as the waiter offered to bring them another piece of cake each, gratis, for the mistake. But that wasn't necessary; they both had lost their appetites, especially Ms. Jaio, who was mortified and Sam, who was embarrassed. 

I haven't seen or heard from Ms. Jaio, but I will see her at work tomorrow. As for Sam, I did see him, I was asked to come over for a chat. I didn't know at the time what it was about. But when I walked into his backyard, I noticed a second hammock and a pitcher of Arnies. I was touched he'd get me a hammock, but now I'm not so sure about that.

I spent two hours commiserating with him over his forced faux engagement. We went through two pitchers of Arnies mixed with rum that Sam had the forethought to have handy. It seems everything fell apart last night after that. SHE had little to say and wouldn't discuss the tragic event at all. He said he'd call her; she said no; she needed to not hear from anyone. 

He's not sure he wants to call her. Married life came too close for comfort last night, and he's rethinking bachelorhood. 

Gabe

Copyright © 2026 All rights reserved

HUH? Of Crazy Headlines And The Lack Of Gravitational Pull, Or Not

12 August 2026

2000

R. Linda:

I tell ya!

While at work, me fellow British ex-pat Tony came over waving one of those British rags at me.

"You have got to see this."

He slapped it down in front of me. The headline read:

CHEATING DAD WHO KILLED FAMILY AND HIMSELF THEN BURNED DOWN HOME

Tony tapped the paper.

"How do you kill yourself and then burn down the house?"

I took another look at it and shook me head.

"Maybe he was very organised."

Tony snorted.

"Sounds like a story you could get your teeth into."

"It's a good thing me mother-in-law isn't here," I said. "She'd have a field day with that. That is, if she didn't write the bloody thing herself."

I've seen misspellings and botched headlines plenty of times. When one gets into print, the powers that be get rather ticked off, and everybody in the line of fire ducks.

Or tries to.

Tony, however, was now enjoying himself.

"Remember the one about the London Underground? Too much sunshine to blame for Tube delays."

"Sunshine?" I said. "On the Underground?"

"Exactly! Where's it coming from? Is there some enormous window down there nobody's told us about? And more to the point, where's all this sunshine in London? I haven't seen it."

I shrugged.

"And the Pooh one!" he said.

That one I remembered.

SEWER BLOCKED BY LARGE POOH

Underneath was a photograph of a discarded Winnie the Pooh lying across a sewer drain.

We both started laughing.

"Then there was The surprising reason people use umbrellas," Tony said.

"Rain?"

"Apparently this required investigation."

"Do you remember 'Can fish get thirsty'?"

"Slow news day."

"Rain expected to make roads wet."

"Investigative journalism at its finest."

"Headless body in topless bar."

Tony raised a finger. "Now that is a headline."

I sat back in me chair.

"Well, I've got one for you."

He looked interested.

"Yesterday I saw an article online saying that today, at precisely 10:30 in the morning, gravity was going to disappear for seven seconds."

Tony stared at me.

"Disappear."

"That's what it said. Apparently, NASA has something called Project Anchor. Two black holes were supposed to collide and pull the gravitational waves away from Earth. Or push them. Or suck them up. I don't know. There were black holes involved, so naturally it sounded scientific. Anyway, we were supposed to float up in the air along with everything else."

"Oh, yeah," Tony said. "I saw that rubbish."

"Did you?"

"Yeah. Didn't happen."

"I know."

I must have sounded more disappointed than I intended because Tony looked at me rather suspiciously.

"What?"

"Nothing."

"Gabe."

"All right, fine. At 10:25 I went out to the parking garage."

He stared at me.

"Why?"

"I wanted to be ready."

"For what?"

"For gravity to disappear."

"What exactly were you planning to do if it did?"

"I got in me car and waited."

Tony was quiet for a moment.

"You got into your car?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

I looked at him.

"I was pretending it was a spaceship."

Gabe

Copyright © 2026 All rights reserved

The Lights On Pumpkin Hill

05 August 2026

1199

R. Linda:

I was thinking about Sam and me going into the woods in search of Bigfoot. That little adventure was fraught with happenings we could explain, but not really. I mean, barn animals on the loose, yeah, the bear and raccoon family looking for food, yeah, the doe was strange though. It came right up to us practically and stood looking at us like it wanted to convey what we think was, 'you two don't belong here.' A couple of Sam's selfies he didn't mean to take showed some figure in the forest watching us. Well, that is unnerving in itself and after the fact, but had we known then, I be not sure what we would have done. 

Besides all that, there was another thing that happened, that I didn't tell you about because I wanted to reason it out first for meself. While Sam and I were out there, there was a hill we could see just above the trees. It's called Pumpkin Hill because in olden times, pumpkins were grown on it. Well, while we were in a lull between animal visitations, Sam noticed lights appearing over Pumpkin Hill. He didn't say anything right off, but was deep in thought about something, which I thought was Bigfoot, but no, the lights had his attention, and he was trying to discern what he was looking at. After a time, he asked me outright, "What are those lights on Pumpkin Hill? Do you have any idea?"

Mystery Lights On Pumpkin Hill

Without looking, I quipped, "Aliens."

But when I did look, I was taken aback. The lights were three in number, and the middle one was getting brighter and bigger. 

"Not to sound moronic, Gabe, but those aren't stars." Sam pointed out the obvious. "You really think Aliens?"

I didn't know what to think, so I said so. We stood there watching as the two smaller lights blinked and turned out or were gone. The other one hadn't gotten any larger or brighter, but was still there, casting an eerie glow on the top of the bare hill. 

"You know our science editor at the paper would tell us that is 'temperature inversion.' But I think because the other two lights acted differently and blinked before disappearing, it's some government experiment, maybe."

"Why would the government pick HERE of all places for that type of thing? No, I think it's something else."

"Hum." I didn't have to ask what the something else was. But then, in the back of me mind I remembered something I read. "You know, whatever that is, it's been seen around town if memory serves. I remember reading one of our town geniuses blaming whatever that is on Canada."

That statement caused Sam, who was taking a swig of water, to spit it out as he choked on the water with laughter.

"Yeah, ok." He chuckled. "What townie came up with that? I wanna know."

"Why Edna Whipple, the town gossip who knows everything before it happens," I said.

"Ohhh yeah, good old Edna. Into everyone's business, especially when they don't want her to be."

"Yup, that Edna Whipple."

As we were talking, we didn't notice the light fade and disappear. We were busy stuffing our faces with peanut butter and jelly sannies. A good stakeout will give you the munchies, and well, we only noticed the gone light when one of us looked back at the hill. This phenomenon clearly had Sam going. He was offering up all kinds of theories, but then it hit him that light or those lights actually happened, and here we were in the middle of nowhere, pretty defenceless and well…

"What to do?" I said, "Well, we could take a walk up that hill, but I don't think we'll find anything."

Neither of us wanted to do that. Instead, we went back to our main purpose and got quiet listening to the sounds of the forest at night. I know we both had a chill, not from the cool evening air, but from apprehension, not so much from the thought of seeing Bigfoot, but from those strange lights behind us. 

As it happened, we were nearly taken out by a loose goat, and that was the end of the discussion about the light phenomenon. However, days later, when I was down at the Genny, I overheard Walter Finch, our resident retired Yankee tinker who invents machines that almost work, laughing about a group of women who saw the mystery lights on Pumpkin Hill the other night and called Sheriff Parker, but Parker was out chasing a loose goat. 

"So they went down to the police station in town, if ya can call it that, and they found Chief Regan in. He said they were all a twitter and chattering like magpies all at once, and he couldn't understand a word they said, until he heard the words: lights, Pumpkin Hill. He said Edna Whipple and Harriet Pritchard were leading the charge. Once he got everyone calmed down, he explained to them in detail how the construction company that is mining the minerals on that property (that they are all protesting about), was working nights so as not to disturb the daytime traffic, like there is any," everyone laughed, "told them all there were no mystery lights, no aliens, no goverment drones in the sky spying on them, no, it was the combination of distant vehicle lights and atmospheric conditions, added to the dust they are stirring up while digging. They were told they couldn't hear the machinery because it was on the backside of the hill and the hill buffers the sound. That shut them up fast."

There was a lot of agreement on that and nodding heads.

I didn't stick around for the rest of the village gossip. I had the explanation and was debating whether I should tell Sam or let him keep thinking the village was going to be taken over by aliens and Bigfoot. I know he can see Pumpkin Hill from the back of his abode, and he did tell me he has spent a few nights watching the lights. I'd hate to spoil his fun, so I think for now I won't say a word.

Gabe

Copyright © 2026 All rights reserved

The Town Meeting

04 August 2026 

1198

R. Linda:

New England! Known for its Town Hall Meetings, its Select Board meetings, its Presidential campaigns, its political signage that blights the highways and byways of small hamlets, etc., all of which can be extremely annoying to those of us who aren't used to these things. Mainly me.

Long ago, me little village was a mining town. The "Quarry" is now a swimming hole; it was a town of potato growers, known for its starch mill. Now it is a horsey town filled with the equestrian set who are reluctant to any kind of change, all very traditionally minded, so when something like cable TV was offered, they voted it down. It's a wonder we have electricity!

Now history has a way of repeating itself, and a mineral company bought up some extensive woodland and is ready to mine it. THAT has everyone in an uproar. How did this happen? Wool was pulled over eyes, somehow. So now the up-in-arms villagers are getting up petitions to stop THIS TRAVESTY, and meetings abound in old colonial homes, leading up to the Selectmen's meeting at the town hall. 

Now I could care less about this tragedy because the property in question is not near me nor would it inconvenience me in any way, shape, or form. However, me neighbours are all upset (yes, they are part of the horsey set) and being a good Joe, I said I'd support their efforts to have the mineral company stopped in its tracks, but this was merely lip service on my part.

Because I am a journalist, but more because of my Bigfoot story and the solving of several stupid town mysteries, I have gained some fame and, unfortunately, a voice. I really didn't want any part of this business but found meself in the centre of it anyway.

I'd never been to a town meeting of any kind, and I don't know too much about the selectmen, only that one is me neighbour and she's a woman, so selectwoman. In the past, she has told me these meetings were highly boring, or, in her words, "dull." Well, guess what? Lucky me got to attend one that turned into utter chaos. 

After a few subjects that had to do with a fund to rebuild the burnt-down cattle barn, and ploughing under the old cellar where Jack Mavens had his fall so that it would never happen again, well, that last erupted in a few folks saying they weren't paying for a backhoe, signs were just as good and they'd make them themselves if need be to keep town costs down. This last got so heated that a farmer stood up and shouted for everyone to shut up and sit down; he'd plough the old cellar and fill it in free with his backhoe. Well, ok then. That was that.

As I went to let out a breath of relief that THAT was over with, someone else stood up and said, "What about all these escaped barnyard animals lately? What ya gonna do bout THAT, ay-yuh."

"Jesse, the cows are all accounted for except for the Highland whatever you call it, and the goat is back in its pen, and I don't know of any other barn animals on the loose, so there's nothing to worry about there." One of the selectmen offered.

Well, Jesse wasn't having it. He wanted some kind of insurance that none of that would happen again, especially since THE goat ate all his garden veggies and the owner won't "get off his duff to pay fer all my hard work gone inside his goat's belly!"

"Jesse, that's between you and Al, and I think that's a court thing, not a town thing."

'A thing.' Okay, I thought. Good to know.

Jesse threw a "You'll be hearin' from me in court, Al Sheppard!" 

Al was sitting with his arms folded, but as soon as he was addressed by the angry Jesse, he smiled at him and waved, like ok do your darnedest. This body language brought old Jesse flying across the room at Al, and a shove out of the chair was had, with Al getting up to deliver a good left to Jesse's jaw. Every man in the vicinity scrambled to pull the two apart, and the women were holding heads or purses, screaming and running for the other side of the room. 

I tell ya!

Both were told to leave, but not together for obvious reasons. Al left first, and I guess they forgot about Jesse because he stayed, looking smug about it. 

It was, but ten minutes later, the door opened and in came the goat! The very goat that trampled Sam and me and ate Jesse's veggies. Jesse stood up, threw down his hat in anger, and started yelling, "I tole ya!" Once again, the ladies fled, and the men scrambled to catch the bletting goat. They had cornered it when Al walked in and said, "Oh, is that my goat? Someone let it out." He said it as innocently as if he were not the one.

Guess who

This got Jesse going again, and they nearly came to fisticuffs, but Al had the goat between them. 

Once Al left for the second time, this time with his goat, and Jesse's ruffled feathers were smoothed by sympathisers, the meeting continued. 

The next subject before the mineral company discussion was that one person got up to complain that two candidates in the prior election had the same name, and she voted for the wrong one. She wanted a better accounting of just who was who and to have her vote changed, which would make the one she didn't vote for the winner. She said, "I am the deciding vote, and here I am to do just that."

"Mrs. Alerton, that's not how things work." One of the selectmen said.

The argument was another heated thing, with people in the room shouting out their opinions for and against. I had a headache.

Finally, the mineral company fiasco was set to be discussed and was the final subject of the rather taxing evening. BUT and that's a big BUT, just as the horsey set representative took to the microphone, the power failed. Not only that, but then the fire alarm went off. 

"What is going on?" Someone shouted.

"Everyone out." Someone else shouted, and we all started to leave with the alarm ringing in our ears until we were almost deafened.

It seems Al Sheppard's goat leapt out of the back of Al's truck, causing Al to turn around in the driver's seat and drive his truck into a tree that not only smashed Al's truck's front end, but the tree came down on the power wires, and the whole village was thrown into darkness. The fire alarm was caused by sparks on the roof of town hall from one of the transformers that decided to burst afterwards. 

And that's how me first New England town meeting ended—not with democracy in action, but with a fistfight, a runaway goat, a power outage, and absolutely no discussion of the thing we'd all come there for. I left wondering how this village had survived long enough to become historic.

Gabe

Copyright © 2026 All rights reserved

The Case Of The Missing Gnomes

02 August 2026

1197

R. Linda:

I was looking forward to a quiet weekend of doing pretty much nothing. We had some very heavy weather, and the ground was too wet to do anything outside, so I was going through my emails and paying bills when I got a text from Sam. 

"Did you happen to notice and hear about the gnomes?"

I stared at the text, thinking Sam was losing it. Since I showed him that photo of him and what looked like Bigfoot standing behind him, he had been hot to trot out to the woods for a second go-round, but then he had thought better of it. I have successfully put him off thus far, but now gnomes? What is up with THAT?

I ignored that text for all of two minutes until my curiosity got the best of me silly self, and I texted him back with, "What about gnomes?"

Yes, I knew better but …

"Garden gnomes are disappearing around town. Not stolen, moved, Gabe. Every morning for days they are found somewhere else, set in silly scenes, as if they're alive at night!"

"No," I whispered to meself, "Gabe, doncha get pulled in."

But as usual I couldn't help meself, and I bit.

"Explain, please."

"I'll be right over, easier in person." He texted.

Oh good. A visitor. I went to put the coffee on and warn Tonya and Mam; they were about to have a Saturday morning guest.

Well, we all sat at the kitchen table, because the ladies were interested, along with me eldest, who considers himself a bit of a sleuth. O'Hare insisted the whole thing was supernatural. Tonya suggested it was neighbourhood kiddos up to no good, and Mam, well, she's got this thing about the "little people"; leprechauns were the culprits. No one was entirely right.

"The gnomes keep disappearing and reappearing, like some were set up to be fishing in the mill pond, another set was up by the community centre having tea on the front lawn, and three were set at the green corner with a sign that said "Uber" like they were waiting for their ride. 

Just then Guido brought in the local paper. He slapped it on the table and pointed to the headline: GNOME THEFTS CONTINUE  LOCAL GARDEN GNONES FOUND WATCHING SOFTBALL GAME - Police have declined to comment as residents are urged not to confront suspicious lawn ornaments after dark.

"WHAT?" I blurted out after Sam read the headlines out loud. 

"We need to get out there," Sam said. 

No, no, we didn't need to get out there. I was reluctant to buy into this village foolishness. But me three family members egged me on to go and investigate. They said Sam and I were getting quite the press and good reputations for our Bigfoot investigation; we should keep going. I was thinking if only they knew about that picture I have of a possible Bigfoot, they might be scared for our safety to go out at night in our woodsy little village. But who am I fooling? No, they'd be all about the media attention! So I kept mum; I had agreed with Sam we'd save that investigation for another time, when the two of us weren't so jittery about being in the woods at night. 

Sam and I, with O'Hare, who insisted he was now part of the "team," drove around the village to check out the gnome situation. 

"No kid could've moved forty-seven gnomes in one night," O'Hare said.

"No, but a determined twelve-year-old with a wagon probably could," I replied, thinking of me youngest kiddo.

"But the locals would hear that rumbling down the road." He countered.

"Not if it was on grass." Sam offered.

It was decided we'd take a stroll around 10:00 into the village and see for ourselves what would be what with the little ceramic men. 

We were too late. We found forty-seven gnomes lined up on the rail trail and into the woods. Were we spooked? You can take that as an affirmative. We got into the woods a ways when we heard laughter from the head of the trail. We crouched into the woods and watched two teenagers giggling as they collected a few gnomes. 

"Larry, I swear I didn't do this," the other teen said, picking up a fourth gnome.

"Well, I didn't, so who is moving these guys?" Larry asked.

"I don't know, but let's get these set up at the church. I have to be home by 10:30!" 

"Well now," Sam whispered to us. "There seem to be two sets of gnome stealers. Those two and someone who did this," and he pointed to the row of gnomes leading into the woods. "Let's follow this line of gnomes and see where they take us."

As silently as we could, we walked deeper into the woods when suddenly we saw a small person setting gnomes up in a single file ahead of us. He had a wagon (so I was right about that). We watched him until he was out of sight and then carefully crept forward again. In the moonlight, we could see a young boy putting the last gnome down, being as quiet as he could. He was looking over his shoulder in the opposite direction from us. We could see smoke coming out of an abandoned cellar, and this puzzled all three of us. The young boy did not want to be caught; that was obvious, and he hurried as silently as he could back to his wagon and started up the trail towards us. 

"Let's get 'em," O'Hare said.

Well, we didn't want to scare the child, so we let him pass us and get away ahead. 

"O'Hare, you catch up with the kiddo and Sam, and I will investigate the smoke. Don't scare that kid, now you hear?"

"I won't." 

Sam and I crept slowly forward, listening for any sound. 

Meanwhile, O'Hare had caught up with the wee one, a ten-year-old, who shouldn't be out that late and was more anxious about that than his being guilty of stealing gnomes. 

"What are you doing out here, Lonny?" O'Hare recognised the child.

"I've been trying to get people to notice the gnomes are leading to someone living in the woods!" Lonny defended himself. "I told my parents, and they didn't believe me or didn't care. I told a few adults in town, and they just brushed it off, but everyone notices when their garden gnome disappears, so I thought …"

"Say no more, I got it."

"But some kids started stealing the gnomes and setting them up all over town, and no one was following my trail," Lonny whined, exasperated.

Sam and I had made our way silently to the abandoned cellar. There was nothing left to it but three high walls, the fourth a tumbled-down mess of stones. We could smell and see the smoke from a small campfire. We looked down inside it. Next to the fire was an old man with one leg stretched out. He was plucking blueberries off bushes that had taken root in the cellar. Sam recognised him as Jack Mavens, a reclusive widower who hadn't been seen in days, actually, since the gnomes started disappearing from their gardens. 

Sam called down to Jack, who looked up at us and gave a relieved laugh. "Finally, someone has found me." He croaked. "Broke my leg, can't move, been livin' on rainwater and berries."

Sam scrambled down to Jack while I called 911. 

Jack was rescued and recuperating. Seems he fell into the cellar while gathering blueberries. Lonny became a pint-sized hero, the teens were never identified, and the next morning every gnome was back exactly where it belonged, including the six the teens had taken…that is, except one. 

A single gnome was standing on me front deck, tipping its hat. No footprints, no explanation. I had opened the door to get the paper, and there it was. 

"I…didn't do dat." Mam whispered. "Moost be da little men did it."

I closed the door.

Gabe

Copyright © 2026 All rights reserved

The Bigfoot Stakeout

31 July 2026

1196

R. Linda:

Never in me born days did I think I'd be professionally assigned a Bigfoot story! Never, never, ever, but that's what happened, and I be still smarting from the whole idea of it. I tell ya! Is no man safe from the silliness that seems to permeate our society of late? I ask ya!

Unbeknownst to meself, I was not aware I lived in the village known for Bigfoot sightings in the entire State of New Hampshire. I was blissfully unaware until recently. Yeah, yeah, I noticed the yellow road signs to "Brake for Bigfoot," but I thought they were jokey things the locals put up to amuse passing tourists. Never in me life did I think they were serious. Imagine me surprise!

A town over, there is a small local breakfast joint where the locals go nearly every morn to gossip and eat chocolate-covered bacon (of all things), and one of the subjects they chatter on about is…you guessed it, Bigfoot! Well, seems the place was buzzing with this latest sighting in me own little village. 

"Ooh, the smell," a man said.

"Ay-yah, and the thumping inta the woods proves it's a weighty monstah!" Said another.

Well, somehow this talk got to the ears of me, Editor-in-Chief, one Cruella. She called me into her office and informed me that since me little hamlet has a reputation for Bigfoot sightings, I should "Go prove it's another guy in a gorilla suit."

I thought she was joking, but no, no, she was not. 

"I do NOT believe in Bigfoot," I stated to her, hoping to stand me ground on this.

"We need this debunked." Said she, standing hers.

"Do we? Do we really?" I half-whined, feeling defeat coming. 

Well, I won't bore you with a conversation you can probably guess at. I went back to me office and sat there staring at the wall for a while, wondering WHY. But I knew why; it was because of where I unfortunately lived. "Thank you, community of crazies," for this, I whispered many times over. Heaving a big sigh, I picked up me phone and started setting up interviews. Yup, I did. I felt like an idiot saying I was looking to interview such-and-such about Bigfoot sightings in the area, but I swallowed hard each time. By golly, I set those puppies up for 1. the retired game warden, 2. the teenager who's got a blurry selfie he's posted on the town FB page, and 3. (the best for last), the old lady who claims "Biggy" returned her garden rake. 

I drove home, and by noon I started me first of three interviews. I was done by 2. All these witnesses sounded sincere, and you can see they truly believed every word they uttered. And for me, every story was absurd. 

Knowing the interviews would not be enough, I rang up Cruella and volunteered to spend an evening in the woods just to see what happens and if "Biggy" would appear. SHE was all enthusiastic and laughing, which threw me for a loop, but I was more determined than ever to do this thing. 

I rang up Sam and convinced him with little effort, I might add, to spend the night in the woods investigating (that word gets Sam every time) Bigfoot. 

Being me analytical self, I overprepared. I knew it when I was gathering all the things I told Sam we needed (this was more to keep Sam enthused). Why not? We spent all that money on ghost hunting equipment when all we needed was a potato (see Story #1195 Ghost Hunting With Sam July 29, 2026).

We had the thermal camera, a digital audio recorder, wildlife guidelines (Sam's contribution), topographic maps (also Sam's), GPS, emergency radio, bear spray, and enough snacks for a weekend (thanks to Mam). Sam and Mam together had supplied marshmallows (because it was said "Biggy" likes those), a lawn chair (for who, I don't know), binoculars, and a six-foot cardboard cutout of Bigfoot "to lure in the real one." This last was Sam's idea, which horrified me. What be wrong with him? 

Before we left me house, Sam said he had also read somewhere that Bigfoot likes peanut butter. Me Mam said she heard, "It's apples, but it could be bacon." Well, before long we accidentally set out with what you could construe as the world's strangest picnic fare.

Sam and I got out to a rail trail and followed that to where there were homemade signs that said things like: BIGFOOT AHEAD, TAKE CAUTION, and THIS WAY TO BIG FOOT (with a finger pointing in the direction you are to take). Well, we tramped into the woods just as the sun was starting to set. It was quiet, and the birds had stopped chirping, which gave me the heebie-jeebies. We were deep in the woods, off the trail, and I was wondering if we'd ever find our way back, but then I realised we had food for months!

Village idiots put up signs

We set up camp, and quietly chatted about this and that, everything but the reason we were there. I think Sam was as spooked as I was, and that's why we avoided the obvious subject. It was just as darkness fell that we heard something and turned around slowly, thinking IT was behind us. IT was rifling through one of the food bags, and when we looked, we found a raccoon family rifling through the marshmallows. Sam frightened them away, and we settled back in, wondering if lighting a fire would be a good idea; then we thought against it. We weren't sure what the fire rules were. 

"Be just our luck we start a forest fire," I had just finished saying when I looked at Sam for the joke laugh, but his eyes were bugging out of his head, looking over me shoulder. I slowly turned around, and we had a black bear in the marshmallows. This wasn't good. I slowly got hold of the bear spray and turned toward the bear. Maybe it knew what I was about to do, and I will say I was not thinking of what could happen, but it took the huge bag of marshmallows, grunted at us and left. 

"WOW!" Sam said, fear still in his eyes. "What if that thing comes back?"

"Oh wait a minute, THAT thing is less scary than Bigfoot, don't ya think?" I was incredulous that here we were comparing apples to oranges.

No sooner had we settled down than a doe traipsed through our little camp, disturbing nothing, just giving us a doe-eyed look like "You aren't supposed to be here." 

"I hope that's it with wildlife," Sam said. 

I was fitting meself into the lawn chair, thinking I'd had enough, but I had to wait this out, so I settled back and closed me eyes as Sam fiddled with the thermal camera. 

I heard it first. It sounded like someone screaming "Baaaaaaaaaa!" I jumped up as Sam looked around.

"WHAT IS THAT?" I shouted at Sam, who got the camera ready. 

"Turn on the audio," he directed at me, and I did. 

We both hunched down and listened to the unusual scream. He, camera ready, and I recording audio.

Suddenly, this thing broke into our camp and upset the two of us because it nearly trampled us. We were so flummoxed by the sudden break it took from the woods that we didn't quite know what it was, but it had a bad odour. 

"Wha…wha…what was it?" Sam asked me, desperation in his voice.

"I don't know!" 

He checked his camera but had a blurry image that told us it wasn't Bigfoot but might be a baby Bigfoot. It was hairy and beige, but we couldn't make it out. I didn't get to check the audio because, just as suddenly, we heard the cracking of twigs under a bigger foot than what had just run through our camp.

Try discerning what this is in the dark

"Oh God, it's Bigfoot's mother!" Sam cried.

Before either of us could stand up and run, a torch light flashed in our faces, and a man's gruff voice said, "What the hell?"

It was Sheriff Parker on the hunt for a loose goat! That's what trampled through our camp: a goat! Did we feel like jerks? Yes, we did.

We explained ourselves, and Sheriff Parker shook his head like we were morons and left us to find the loose goat, but not before warning us, "No fires." 

It wasn't 10 minutes later that we heard him shout, "GOT IT!" and then it got quiet again. Well, kind of. Nothing happened the entire night but that the two of us were chilled to the bone. We snacked on the snacks Mam packed for us, leaving hardly anything for Bigfoot. 

We were hardly awake, both of us grumbling about empty coffee thermoses, when we heard huge footsteps coming our way, branches snapping like twigs, and something enormous walking towards us through the morning mist. I froze; I am not afraid to admit it. This was different from everything else we had gone through. Sam stood just behind me, frozen as well, staring at the thing coming in the mist. It is huge, it is hairy, and it is…walking on four legs.

A very shaggy Highland cow, the last of the loose cows and the only Highland one, was making its way towards us. I started laughing; I couldn't help meself. But then, something else howled from the much deeper woods. It was impossibly loud; the cow bolted at the sound, every bird went silent, and we stood there frozen again.

"That wasn't a cow," Sam whispered.

I checked me recording, and nothing was there. It captured complete silence. No howl, no footsteps, no explanation. It didn't take us long to pack it up and get the heck out of there. We'd had enough.

Back in Boston, I wrote a perfectly sensible article explaining why most sightings are misidentifications. I submitted it to Cruella. I went back to me office as she was starting to look at it. I had Sam's photos of mostly a blurred goat, and then I noticed that when he got excited or, more accurately, scared, he took accidental selfies. I had to stop and look hard at one of them. I could see a dark figure standing between two trees. Just standing there, looking right into the camera. Neither of us noticed this at the time. I quietly closed the laptop.

"I don't get paid enough."

Sam's selfie with "Biggy"?

Gabe

Copyright © 2026 All rights reserved

Ghost Hunting With Sam

29 July2026

1195

R. Linda:

After Barney and his iPhone fiasco, Sam was more enthusiastic than ever about us becoming New England's #1 ghost-hunting team. Me mind was far removed from being that or any investigative team. All I wanted was the continuation of a peaceful summer. I didn't want to think about the chill of Fall, Halloween, spirits rising, and getting scared. 

No, I was about the veggies growing to luscious ripeness in Tonya's garden, the boyos mowing the lawn, and me in my hammy with me Arnold Palmer watching it all unfold without lifting a finger. Yes, bliss.

Now I had Sam coming to me, or more like texting me constantly, that he heard there is a ghost one town over, or there is some legend up in the mountains about strange goings-on and rumours galore of sightings of dead relatives here and there. 

I wanted to say, "Sam, get over yourself. WE are not ghost hunters. Barney proved that." But he'd only say, "But Gabe, we solved the mystery!"

Sam was becoming a fixture around the abode. He'd jump in if he saw something he could help with. Mam was taking a shine to him. She made him scones! Yes, scones. She brewed him tea, and they'd get together EVERY afternoon for tea and whatever Irish goodies she baked for Sam that I liked! I tell ya, me very own grey-haired, apple-cheeked Mam had adopted Sam. 

What was I to do? I'd lay there in the hammock watching this unfold on me deck. I wasn't invited. I'd watch the teacup lift to Sam's mouth, watched him savour the flavour, then the ultimate slap in the face: he'd pick up a scone dripping in honey butter and take a delicate bite, and "ummm and ahhh" sounds as he swayed from side to side in food harmony, me Mam looking like the cat that swallowed the canary. Such satisfaction she was getting from all this.

Later, I'd go complain to her about her leaving me out. I'd be accused of acting like a big child, and since she has "so little joy in life," let her have her Sam teatime without the fuss of a child who had other things to do than wreck her Sam time.

YUP, that's basically what she said to ME, her son! Sam time. I'll Sam time him. So, like a Cheshire cat I lay in me hammy waiting for his arrival. As soon as I saw him, I called over to him, and as he stood looking down at me relaxing self, I said, "Sammy, me man, I have given your proposal some deep thought, and yes, I think we'd make a great ghost hunting team."

"You do?" His smile was wider than his face.

"I do." I grinned back. "Only one thing: we have to get the equipment we'll need ASAP. I heard the Cunninghams have something going on at their lake house, and WE could investigate it. Just think we swim, we enjoy the cabin by day, and ghost hunt it at night."

His face lit up like it was Christmas. He nodded enthusiastically, and I knew I had him hooked.

I made arrangements with the Cunninghams to go to their cabin for the middle of the week. We'd find whatever was going on up there and report back. They were grateful. Told me they had arrived to see all the lights on, but as soon as they pulled in, the lights went out. They go in; no one is there, and nothing is touched. I thought to meself it sounded like an electrical problem, so easy-peasy. Of course, I didn't tell them OR Sam that. Kept it to meself.

Sam was so excited that he ran up to Mam and told her what we were going to do and how exciting it would be. She looked amused. Too amused. 

"Den ye'll be needin' a few tings, ye will." She said coyly.

"Oh, we do: a magnetometer, a ghost sensor machine, infra-red photography- yeah, we need to get those things," Sam addressed me.

"Nah, ye need sometings I haf around 'ere. Hold on." And she ran off to get these things we needed.

First off, she gave us a horseshoe for luck, a rosary to fend off any negative spirits, salt so we could draw a circle around ourselves if the spirits came in force to get us, Holy water that she just happened to have so we could dose any demons away if need be, and a potato, "jus' in case." None of this was the ghost hunting gadgets that Sam nor I had even considered.

Between Sam and me, we got the electronics we thought we needed, and Mam made sure we took everything she had given us. We drove off to the Cunningham retreat up by Lake Sunapee, arriving at dusk. The cabin was rustic but well-kept, with a lakefront view. There was nothing close by but pine trees everywhere. 

We meticulously set up the electronics, and we detected notta. BUT while we were discussing what to do next, the potato started rolling off the kitchen counter onto the floor. It rolled all the way to the door, which was something like 10 feet away. I thought it was odd that it didn't fall with that much force; it would roll that far. Sam voiced that as well, and we looked at each other. 

He went and got it and put it back on the floor by the cafe chairs, and it started rolling again. 

"Gabe, you notice there is a slight uphill to this floor, and that potato is rolling uphill, not down?"

Yes, the floor was warped enough to be noticeable. We both were told to mind the warp so we wouldn't trip. So we did know about that, but why the potato rolled up we had no idea. Sam did it again, and once more the potato went uphill to the door frame.

I said quietly, more to meself, but Sam nodded on hearing me say, "Well … that's not encouraging."

Neither of us slept well that night. I heard Sam get up a few times, and the sound of a rolling potato started to spook me out, but I stayed where I was. 

The next morning Sam had it figured out. 

"Look, Gabe," he said, holding the potato out to me to take, "It's a lumpy potato and has an uneven weight spread. The heavy side shifts lower and doesn't touch the floor; the outer shape makes it unbalanced enough that it rolls uphill, not downhill."

I was not buying it, but whatever. I'd think about that though. He might have a point about his centre-of-mass calculation. 

Nothing happened around the cabin during the day, and we did take the Cunningham sailboat out. They offered, so we took them up on it and had a rather enjoyable time on the lake. It was around 4 when we returned to the cabin; everything was in order, even Sam, putting the potato on the floor one more time to watch it go uphill. We decided to go to a restaurant in Kearsage and discuss the potato phenomenon. 

Upon our return, all the lights in the cabin were ablaze. 

"Did you leave the lights on?" Sam asked me.

"No, not one; it was still light out, and I didn't think about it," I said.

"I didn't either." 

We didn't drive up the driveway; we were still on the road, and I had an idea. I drove down a ways from the cabin where no one could see us.

"Listen, Sam. We didn't leave anything in the house that would give anyone a reason to know we were staying. Like I suggested, if someone was actually in the house before we arrived, we had to leave it just as we found it. That meant suitcases in the boot of me car, and we take all our stuff every time we go out."

"Ok. Got you so far, but hey, we left the potato."

"We did leave the potato." I thought about that, then shrugged it off. Who'd notice a lone lumpy potato? "Now, if someone uses that cabin to sleep in overnight, they know pretty much when the Cunninghams are coming for a stay and when they're not. This is the middle of the week, so like I said before we left, if it's a person fooling with the lights, they won't expect us."

"But Gabe, you are forgetting that when we arrived yesterday, there were no lights on."

"Yes, because we arrived at dusk and if someone was going to the cabin, they'd see the car and our lights. Today we went sailing, but before we went to dinner we took everything we brought with us, except the potato, so it looked like we left."

"Ahhh, gotcha."

"So, now whoever will feel free to move back in."

"If only that lumpy potato could talk." Sam reflected. 

We snuck up to the cabin and saw someone inside through the window. We looked at each other and smiled.

"I'm not afraid of no ghosts," he whispered with a chuckle.

"Looks like a local without a home, you reckon?" I asked him.

"Um, could be. Whoever he is, he's just finished eating out of a can, and he put that in his knapsack with the spoon." 

I signalled Sam to follow me, and we crept up the back steps. I started to open the screen door, but it creaked, giving the intruder the impression that he had company. He picked up his knapsack and bolted to the front door, with us coming in the back. The only problem he had was that he squarely stepped on the potato Sam had left in the middle of the floor where it had rolled to a stop. His foot shot forward, and he landed with a loud thump on his back, the knapsack going flying. 

Sam jumped on him while I started laughing too hard to help. It was that damn ghost hunting potato; that's what had me. When I was able to help Sam get the man in a chair, I called the local constabulary, and that was the end of our ghost hunting.

Back home, Mam asked us this, "Well, did ye use everythin' I packed fer ye?"

"We did not." I said smugly, "The holy water stayed corked. We never had to draw a salt circle... "

"Thank the Fates for that," Sam said, relief in his voice.

"We didn't touch the rosary. But the potato …. that potato caught the ghost."

"It worked better than the four hundred dollars' worth of electronics." Sam offered.

Mam nodded as though she'd known all along.

"I tole ye. Jus' in case."

"And why is that?" I foolishly asked.

"Because Irish potatoes have been dealin' wit spirits fer generations."

Gabe

Copyright © 2026 All rights reserved

Of Loose Cattle And A Strange Light

27 July 2026

1194

R. Linda:

I tell ya, I live with a superstitious lot in our little patch of New England. There was a fire and a barn burnt down, but the cattle all got away (a good thing). They absconded into the dense woods, and no one could find them for weeks. Suddenly one or two were spotted and rounded up. That left a half dozen or so unaccounted for. Then they all appeared sans one, on a back road, and no one had any clue how to round these cows up. 

They put a cattle loader by the edge of the woods, got a trough and feed bin, and they've been feeding the cattle, who, at the approach of a human, they all moo to the woods, coming out when said humans are no longer visible. 

This is the setup; no wonder the cattle aren't interested. Maybe put the food IN the loader, not outside.

Are there no cowboys in New Hampshire? I know they drive through picking up livestock for transport, so why can't the owners of said loose cattle get a few of these professional cattle wranglers to round up said cows on the run? I don't know, but this situation is going to stay this way until someone finds a way to wrangle cattle.

So after weeks of false sightings of cattle until they made themselves known, people were hiking, some with dogs, some riding the trails on horseback (I'd love to see an English riding equestrian wrangling cattle); this whole cattle thing took on a spooky feel. 

People wondered whether they were still alive or if the coyotes or bobcats had got them. There were a lot of discussions at the Genny where folks said they thought they saw "somethin' in the woods yonder." That is, until the spook light appeared in the forest. Yes, this phenomenon put the lost cow talk on the back burner; it did. 

It seems a strange light was appearing in the woods almost every night. How do we know this? Because the villagers were keeping a quiet vigil for cows, when a light suddenly appeared in the forest. Something that shouldn't be there. 

Rumours began to spread that cattle rustlers might have heard about the lost cows and were out stealing them. But the superstitious villagers outnumbered the cattle-theory villagers and said, "Oh, no. That ain't no cattle stealers, it ain't. That's a ghost."

Suddenly July became October. There was a distinct Halloween atmosphere about our tiny little village. 

The talk at the Genny wasn't about cattle anymore; it was about old legends walking the woods looking for: a. Their head, b. Their house, c. Their family, d. Their wallet. Yes, that last one put your jaw on the floor with a WHAT, banging around in your brain. 

We were at the Genny when me new best bud, Sam, volunteered ME to investigate since he decided me title is Investigative Journalist. New to me. And where to investigate? You got it, that back road behind me house where all sorts of strange stuff happens and I don't go there because of that strange stuff. 

"Sam, the light is up by the highway, not in the back of me abode." I corrected. 

"Well, maybe the cattle are back there." He lamely said.

"Nevah mind cattle, we are chasin' a ghost." Old Albert said, annoyance in his voice at Sam.

I had little choice but to get me butt out on the "highway," which is not what you think. It's a narrow lane with two yellow stripes down the middle. This is rural New Hampshire, not Boston.

So, reluctantly, I get meself out there WITH Sam, since this was his bright idea. For three nights we waited, and nothing happened. Then on the last night there was the light! We saw it at the same time, and like two old ladies, we grabbed each other and whispered excitedly, "Do you see it?"

We were primed for a floaty human form in a white sheet to slowly approach us, with a bright light around it. We let go of each other, embarrassed that we had reacted as we did, but we were far from feeling relaxed and confident about what we were watching slowly make its way toward us. 

We could hear twigs cracking as the thing got closer.

"Ghosts don't make twigs crack," I said. And just as I said that, the thing disappeared. All was quiet.

"What the heck?" Sam whispered, looking in the direction our ghost had been. 

Puzzled, we waited, but nothing else happened. We eventually went home. He to a large glass of scotch and me, back to kiddos with a million questions and theories. 

Sam and I decided to get out there the next night, because as Sam said, "We are close, Gabe."

Yeah, we were. We stood in the cool woods just off the road when we saw a light. But it seemed different than the one the night before. We squinted at it and started to see a form. It just stood on a path along the highway. We inched up as quietly as we could. 

"What on God's little acre?" Sam muttered.

There it was, an illuminated ghost standing on the path before us. We stopped dead, neither of us moving or saying a word. Then, to our sheer horror, the thing started ghost moaning. Then it started laughing.

"Wait a minute," I said, "I know that laugh." 

This is what we saw; Sam clicked off a quick snap:

Yup, this appeared on the pathway down from the road

Not able to contain its laughter, and the laughter of its brother, O'Hare suddenly appeared from under the sheet, and Guido turned the bright camping torch on us. 

"Oh, very funny lads." I said, and then, turning to Sam, "Those two culprits are me eldest and middle boyos."

They had set us up perfectly. Sam was convinced they did this every night, but I knew better. They did this because they wanted to jape their old man, and it was a one-time performance. 

Sam quit the investigation, convinced it was O'Hare and Guido making the village uneasy. But then the next night, we didn't bother with it, and I was home with both miscreants; the light was seen again! It took some talking by the folks at the Genny to both Sam and me to get back out there. Neither of us said what happened two nights prior; only Sam did say, in an offhand way, "Just some kids messing around."

Well, we gave it one more go-round. We were just about to leave the so-called area where the light was seen when suddenly it flashed on, and there it was floating in the air.

"You don't think it's some kind of UFO, do you?" Sam whispered, squinting at the floating orb.

I hadn't thought of that. Geez Louise! I shrugged; I had no clue. 

We crept forward; the thing wasn't moving but seemed to be moving in an arc in the same place. As we approached, we saw the outline of a man in the orb's light. He had his back to us and was holding the orb over his head, moving it around. 

Sam stood up from his crouching position and said out loud, "Barney? Barney, is that you? What are you doing?"

Barney seemed startled at Sam's voice and turned around, his hand turning the orb at us. It was an iPhone.

"Sam, is that you? Who's with you?"

"Sully, we were hunting down the ghost light."

"The what?" 

We explained about the strange light on the side of the road, and Barney started laughing.

"Well … I'm sorry to disappoint you guys, but I came out here to get a signal for my phone."

Here, Sam and I spent nights investigating, only to discover our neighbour trying to find cell service, holding his phone over his head to do it. 

I tell ya, living in the backwoods is anything but dull.

Gabe

Copyright © 2026 All rights reserved

Expat Northern Irishman AKA Honorary Bostonian, Goes Home For A Visit

26 July 2026

1193

R. Linda:

Who says ye can’t go home again? ME!

I spent two days in Belfast working on a story on the renewed Troubles, as you know. Once I got me story done, I took the weekend to relax on the old sod. I was staying with me sissy Sheila in Newry, and decided to take meself to some old haunts in Dublin. 

I travelled on down to the Republic and met up with Liam McGinty, me oul’ Segotia. Liam and I got into a lot of mischief in our university years, like doing dumb things in public to make people laugh. We’d take turns jogging around Trinity College, but not your typical jogging; we’d run with legs and arms flailing with stupid expressions on our faces. One of us would run; the other would film it. I'd be quite chuffed to say none of those films exists anymore, but admitting that is a big admission, and because there is no proof to be had on the Internet, we both thank St. Brigid for not turning our faces red. 

I did find one thing in particular that I had not noticed about meself. Once I started talking, Liam looked at me with an amused expression.

I was telling him about the number of “Nor’eastah’s” we get, and he was like, What? I even said they were enough to send one to the “packie,” and he was laughing. 

“Wot be uhhh, uhhh, Nor'eastah and a packie?”

He rightly thought Nor'easter, but he thought packie meant a slang term for a Pakistani. That was when I knew I was talking like a Bostonian — not an American, mind you, a Bostonian. I had to explain that, yes, he was right: nor'easter, and packie was a package store, not a person. 

I had called him a “Kehd” when I first saw him, saying, “Hey kehd, howarya?” Yeah. He ignored that, and I didn’t notice. 

But later, when I put “wicked” before every word, he started shaking his head, and I knew I had to think before I spoke. He had no idea what a “wicked pissah” was, and the Irish culchie went out the window when I replaced it with townie. I ordered a tonic, and he had no clue what that was, and neither did the waiter. When I said soft drink, they both said, “Oooh. Okay.”

I ordered scrod; he and the waiter were like, “What? You mean hake?” Liam guessed. 

On the way home, we came to a carriageway I called a rotary. When I missed a turn, he told me to make a U-turn, and I said, “Okay, banging a Uey.” When he told me to turn by the fountain, I drove up to it and said, “That bubblah?” 

When I saw Liam’s house and said, “Hey, you live in a triple deckah,” he looked perplexed. “What’s a triple deckah? A bus? Because this ain’t a bus, dare, Gabe.”

That's when it finally hit me.

I'd gone home expecting to slip right back into the old rhythm, but somewhere between New England winters, packies, bubblahs, rotaries, and wicked pissahs, the rhythm had changed. I wasn't trying to sound like a Bostonian. I just… did.

It's a strange thing when your oldest friend becomes your translator. Liam spent half the day asking me, "What in the name of God are ye on about now? I be so confused," and the other half laughing at me. Fair enough — I'd have laughed at him too.

It is said that you can never go home again because home changes. It turns out they're only half right about that. Sometimes home stays exactly the same... and you're the one who changes.

So who says ye can't go home again?

ME.

Apparently, I can get there just fine. I just need subtitles.

Gabe

Copyright © 2026 All rights reserved

Assignment: Northern Ireland

24 July 2026 

1192

R. Linda:

I was given an assignment in Northern Ireland! I was thrilled to return home. I was imagining the food, familiar places, old friends, and professional respect. Instead, me sister hijacked me schedule and gave me grief over her memoirs. 

I was set to stay in a hotel, but me Sissy insisted I should come and stay with her and the Dolan person (her husband) and be treated to good old-fashioned home cooking (she forgets our Mam lives with me and I get that and better back home). 

To get away from her, I rang up Wolfie and asked him out for a drink and catch-up. I hadn't seen him in a while, and he was open to a meet-up, so off I went. Unfortunately, old acquaintances remembered things I hoped were forgotten, and Wolfie reminisced about them, much to my chagrin. It was bad enough that back at Sheila's, she was producing evidence of childhood incidents I had spent decades blaming on HER. 

One thing about veteran reporters: they know everyone's business. I knew Wolfie knew about things in the U.K. news business that I did not. I was ripe for some gossip, but he wasn't. No, instead, he was more interested in bringing up our trip to Scotland with Weasil many years ago, and that was painful. During that trip, he disappeared on me several times because he had enough Weasil and needed to recharge, leaving me with the young whippersnapper. 

The only things I remember now are that he and I drank a lot, because we were driven to it by the Weasil's antics. So a lot of it was a haze, but I did remember that no matter how buzzed I was, the Wolf never got in that condition. He was always sharp, no matter how many Scotchs we had. So he remembered things I did not. He enjoyed watching me facial expressions as he brought up Weasil shenanigans that were perpetrated on me without me realising most of them.

The one-sided conversation was enlightening to say the least. I felt like wringing Weasil's neck if I could only get a hold of that slippery character. 

Proof to Weasil that Wolfie and I met up AND he told me everything!

I was in Ireland to do a story on the rekindled Troubles. I had me interviews set up and asked Wolfie if he could get me access to his friend who worked for one of the big news agencies to be me photographer. He put in a call, and one Brendan was at me beck and call. Then I asked if he had an editor available, as I had a deadline and wanted everything I took back to Boston, polished and complete (to impress Cruella and me job security). Yes, he could arrange that too. 

We went over to where he used to work (he's retired), and he got us in. I met an Editor who was accommodating of what I wanted, but he communicated entirely in terms of deadlines. 

"All right, Mr. O'Sullivan, you bring in your copy by 2. Corrections by 2:30, photos by 3:00, headline finalised by 3:30, we'll get it rolling for Boston by 4 and if your story misses any of those, tomorrow's apology is due before sunrise."

I stood there speechless. OK.

Later, Wolfie told me he was joking, but I don't think he was. 

The Chief Editor introduced me to the copy editor, a bespectacled woman who was all business. She'd take care of me. Wolfie took me aside after and said, "She notices every misplaced comma, but never notices where she left her glasses."

Oh, goody, one of those. While she was chatting with us, Wolfie felt inclined to mention I was an expat and told her not to divulge too many secrets of the trade. I know he was joking, but she looked like he was not. Uh oh, I thought, me copy might have more commas than normal and read as something totally unrecognisable. This raised me tension level to the point that I might not make the deadline.

As we were leaving, we went by the sports desk, and wow, what a loud bunch. I thought the group at me newspaper was bad; these guys were louder than all the Boston guys combined. I even glanced to see if THEY had folders, and no, no, they did not. They had the same crushed and rolled-up paper balls strewn all over the place. A few were tossing them like basketballs at trash bins. 

We met up with Brendan, and Wolfie left us to the assignment at hand. I did notice the photographer seemed to be in the wrong place until the perfect moment. He had a knack for seemingly wandering not too far, but far enough to give me angst that he wouldn't get the photo I wanted. 

By the end of the day, Brendan had somehow managed to photograph exactly what I needed without ever seeming to be where I wanted him. The copy editor had removed enough commas to build a small picket fence (I got nervous and comma-ed everything just about), the editor barked another three possible deadlines at me, and finally me and the story were ready to wing our way to Boston.

I thanked everyone for the help and later said to Wolfie, "You've got a fine operation here."

"Aye," he said. "We try."

I paused before adding, "You know, this whole trip wasn't exactly what I expected."

"Ni?"

"I came home expecting comfort, nostalgia and maybe a bit of professional admiration."

"What did you get?"

"A sister producing evidence of crimes I'd successfully blamed on her for years . . . a friend reminding me of every embarrassing thing I'd forgotten . . . and an editor who measures time in thirty-minute increments."

Wolfie grinned.

"Sounds like home to me."

The annoying thing was, he was right.

I flew back to Boston with a good story, a notebook full of interviews, and several fresh reasons to hunt down Weasil. Unfortunately, Weasil has always possessed an almost supernatural instinct for disappearing just before justice catches up with him.

I'm beginning to suspect that's how he has lived this long.

Gabe

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