01 May 2026
R. Linda:
1157
It was the middle lad's 17th birthday. My, how time doth fly! The boyos had school vacation that week, but as parents, we didn't have off; we had to work. So, while Tonya took that Tuesday off and took the two lads on a hike, I decided to take the next day off and take them out to brunch since it was Guido's birthday. The wee one (who isn't so wee anymore) did not want to go. He's busy making his cardboard replica of the Titanic so he can sink it in the pond. Don't ask. I don't pretend to know how his mind works. So it was Guido and me (O'Hare was at work).
I was thinking we'd go to McDonald's, but no, he wanted to go to the more adult eatery, The Maple Station. Now I enjoy the Station, but it is pricey, especially after the $51.03 doggy toenail-clipping bill (See Story #1156 $51.03 And Did They Paint His Nails Too? 29 April, 2026). So at the time, I thought it was the three of us, and it would cost me around $50. And I knew the wee one wouldn't be a fan of the food, he is a Mickey D's man. So big money wasted. When he told me he didn't want to go, me brain calculated $40.00 for the two of us.
About time to go, I am informed by Guido that we are going to The Maple Barn instead. I thought, great, that will be about $32.00 for the two of us. Yes, that's what I thought. Anyway, we headed off to The Maple Barn for brunch. It was an experience I can tell ya that much. Yes, the lad has his license, and he got himself a convertible sports car, a Miata. Have you ever seen one? They are low to the ground and do not have the legroom for anyone over 5' tall. So, consider me, a 6'2" frame, trying to jam into the passenger seat. It was painful, I can tell ya that much. I did have the panicky thought that I wouldn't be able to get out of the car … ever. There was no way I could bend me limbs to turn or step one-sided out the door. I was doomed for life to be locked in that car forever.
Anyway, he drove, and once we had me in the car feeling like I was in a sardine can, we took off at warp speed. ZOOM! It's a good thing, I thought, that we weren't going to The Station. I don't think I'd be able to get out of the car, as it is a bit of a drive. However, in a semi-pretzel and paralysed state, I was able to extract meself from El Car at The Maple Barn and lurch inside. But not before he asked me if I needed help getting out. Well, yeah, but there was a parking lot full of people, and how would it look? Me being extracted from me seat by a young teenager? That would make me self-conscious and feel very old. So, I sucked it up and nearly landed on the ground (not that far to fall) by swinging me long legs to the side instead of trying to step out one leg at a time. I actually hit meself in the jaw with me left knee as I swung too hard to the right. That hurt, but I tried not to show I was counting me teeth with me tongue to make sure they were still intact. Honestly, I thought that I'd break a leg if I didn't use some force to move. This sideward motion almost landed me on the wet sandy pavement. I hoped no one witnessed me near disastrous exit. And trying to stand up at the same time was a bit of a trick. Somehow, I wobbly managed that, but not without people noticing. I could hear them whispering to each other, "Look at that drunken man, how embarrassing for that nice young man to have a father like that." Yup, I just knew they were about that.
I was happy we didn't go to The Station after the $51.03 fiasco at the vets, but that didn't make any difference when the birthday boy ordered up $23.00 worth of spare ribs and two other breakfasts, plus a starter! I tell ya, it was like being out with Weasil in disguise, who will order up an entire menu if the mood strikes him, that's the thing to do! I said nothing, just happy he was happy.
The waitress was nice (everyone knew it was his big day; he works there part-time on weekends), and she gave him his 20% discount (unasked), which I appreciated. Even after she stopped to talk to us, well, him mostly, and she said with a giggle, "I'm your favourite waitress, right?" Well, guess what, NO! I was stunned when he said, "My favourite waitress is Betty. I've known her longer. You're my second favourite."
WHAT??? I wanted to slide under the table at that, but she took it well, telling him she was somewhat disappointed not to be number 1. Who is he? After she left us to cry in the kitchen, I told him, "Never tell a woman she's number 2; lie like a rug and tell her she's number 1 forever." Geez.
"Oh, she doesn't care," says he.
"Oh yes, she does. I don't know a woman who'd be happy to know she's second shift." I couldn't wait to get us out of there before something else went pear-shaped. But then I remembered, or I should say me body remembered, we had to jam our big self back into that sardine can. I've been in cars where I had me knees around me ears, but this, no, me knees were way above me head even! I be so glad there are no photos.
So once again I find meself in the awkward position of trying to slide into the passenger seat without looking like a one-hundred-year-old man. Somehow I managed it, but not without misjudging how low to the ground I had to go, so I fell into the seat with a thump! I couldn't reach for the seatbelt (which was way behind the seat) to strap meself in. I know I was taking a great risk by not belting up, but I was too full of food, and my stomach was jammed up under me ribcage, so trying to reach behind me wasn't an option. Even so, with the stomach being at capacity, would I even have enough length to buckle up?!
Off we went with ROOM ROOM BRROOM! That noise clearing anyone and anything out of our way as we were about to achieve warp speed from a stationary position.
Somehow, we got home in one piece. And I walked off the boxed up and paralysed feeling from being driven around in a vehicle at speeds that were dizzying … with a full stomach yet! I can now say I have ridden in the very fine and cherished sardine can, I mean sports car. ZOOMA ZOOMA!
BUT the "fun" wasn't over. Since O'Hare had to work that night, I told Guido he could invite a friend. Well, he has a friend, a very nice young lad, but this person doesn't eat. He will sit with us, but won't take a plate. The excuse: he already ate. But the real reason is he's a health nut and adheres (much to his mother's chagrin) to his own food regimen. I said to Guido, "Why are you inviting someone who isn't going to eat anything? Why not a friend who will?"
Well, as it turned out, we had enough food for a small army, so Tonya texted Guido and told him he could invite two people. He then told her he had eight friends spending the night. Was that ok? Mind you, he had already asked them. I silently marvelled as to where all these people and we were going to sleep, or not sleep, as the case may be, with teenagers up all night. I didn't want to know, I shut our door when it was bedtime and left them to their own devices, in the hopes the house would still be standing the next morning.
But let me tell you about cake. The levity came out over the cake, thanks to teen humour and small fry being roasted. Yes, the wee one came to the table and was instantly told by someone not related to him that he looked like a bug wearing his glasses. To which he informed that someone, he was called a bug all the time because of his glasses. So there! Nothing new. He then took the spectacles off and showed the same person the black electrical tape he used to keep the earpieces on until he could get them fixed. He proceeded to swing the glasses around, and his mother told him that if he kept doing that, the bridge would break. To which his Mamo chimed in that he would then have to put a big band-aid over the middle, and he would achieve instant nerd-dome. To which everyone got a laugh, except the wearer of said glasses.
This intellectual discussion was interrupted when Tonya brought the birthday cake to the table, and we all piped up (not in harmony) to sing the birthday song. The lad then proceeded to blow out the candles in one fell swoop, when his Mamo asked if he had made a wish, to which he looked like a deer caught in headlights, realising he did not.
"Do you want me to relight the candles, and you can make a wish and blow them out again?" Tonya asked.
Well, yes, yes, he did, and so she did, and he made a wish, but he didn't blow out the candles like the first time; it took maybe three puffs to get them out.
"Ah ha! Your wish won't come true because you didn't blow them all out at once." The wee one informed him.
"Do you want to do it again?" Tonya asked.
"Three strikes and you're out, or is it three's the charm?" Me Mam unhelpfully asked.
No, he didn't want to do it a third time. Well, the cake cutting was a disaster. I've never seen an oblong cake cut like an octagon, but well, it says a lot about Mr. Guid. He had requested Tonya make her delicious blueberry-topped vanilla cake (he didn't want the usual bakery cake), and she did, and may I say it was quite delicious? Even if it looked the right mess on the cake plate? It looked very nice until he cut it up into strange portions. All that care to get that blueberry topping just right, right out the window within seconds.
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| Cake before anything happened to it |
The next morning, I woke up to teenagers scattered about the place. All looking like they had an all-night bender. I had brought, in addition to the steak dinner Tonya made, three pizzas for the boyos to snack on. All gone, notta slice but a lot of crusts here and there. Let's see, it was 10:23 (23 the price of spare ribs), and they were all still here. Tonya was off to work, the wee one was held up with his Titanic model, and I was in me home office writing to you when I should have been working from home.
Productivity may be questionable, but at least no one starved—unless you count the guy who paid for the pizzas.
Gabe
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