Old Guy Giving Me The Finger, Fat Girls Dying For Cupcakes And Finally Me Mam Be A WHAT?

15 November 2011

Story #470

R. Linda:

As I pulled into the parking garage this morning, something quite out of the ordinary occurred. Speed bumps make going over 10 MPH impossible, and as I was driving slowly over one to get to my space, this 50-something guy with a greyish buzz cut, wearing square glasses and driving a beat-up old car, was coming in the opposite direction. As he drove past me, he gave me the finger. I was like, WTF? If I could have turned around, I would have gone after the git to ask him what THAT was about, but unfortunately, I couldn't.

So, me day started out with me stunned and a wee bit confused. I got to the office and met two fat girls who work just down from me. One weighs over 350 lbs. and barely fits into her cubicle. Anyway, it is easier for her to text me than to get up and waddle over to my desk. I was sitting in a stunned daze, trying to think what I could have done to piss off the 50-something guy, when I got a text message from Fat Annie. She says, "Look what I'm having for dessert tonight." And there be a picture of 10 cupcakes. I mean, I sat there counting them and thinking, holy cow! That thought was interrupted by Two Ton Connie, who texts to both of us, "YUM," and I had to duck under my desk so neither one would see me laughing. I mean, really!

I was under my desk for about five minutes, trying to stifle the laughter, when I looked to the left and saw legs facing me. I looked up, and Cruella looked down at me with a scowl.

"Gabriel, what are you finding in your trash can that is so funny?"

"Uh, nothing," I said, instantly able to contain the laughter.

"Office Gabe," she said and walked away. Oh my God, was I in trouble or what? As I got up, I glanced at my phone, and the cupcakes were still on the screen. I was instantly under the desk again. It was horrible. When I got meself under control, I was red in the face with tears rolling down my cheeks. As I started to Cruella's office, Ms. Jaio appeared, took one look at me, and asked, "Wai U Cri?" She proceeded to hand me a tissue. This made it worse because Cruella was watching this behind her desk. I took the tissue, wiped me eyes and went to see Cruella, who told me to shut the door. Uh oh.

"Okay, where's the cell phone? I want to see what is so funny."

Embarrassed and feeling like I was back in kiddie school, I flicked it back to the text message and cupcakes and handed it to her. She took a look and read the message as her lips pursed, and I could see she was trying not to laugh. She handed it back and said, "Okay, you can go and shut the door behind you."

And I did, knowing Cruella was probably laughing behind a file folder. I put the phone away and was quite meself when I returned to me cubicle. Then I wondered what just happened? My boss must have thought Fat Annie sent something making fun of her when it was all about cupcakes. What kind of a paranoid boss do I have? Meanwhile, Ms. Jaio slid her chair into my cubicle and looked at me, holding out another tissue.

"Thanks, but I'm fine. Hay fever." I said in way of explanation, of which she did not look like she bought it.

Then my phone rang. It was the wife, "Gabe, did you call your mother last night and let O'Hare talk to her?"

"Why yes, I did; why?"

"Well, he was unsupervised watching the television, and he was curious about Nazis, so he told me your mom told him all about Nazis."

"Uh, well . . . "

"What exactly did she tell him, Gabriel, because he won't say. And why is she talking to a 5-year-old about Nazis?"

"He thought because she lives in Europe, she'd know all about them, so I let him ask her a question."

"Yeah . . . and?"

"He asked her if she knew what they were. Harmless question, Tonya."

"And what exactly did she tell him?"

"She said, "O'Hare, Nazis are very unpleasant people."

"Very unpleasant people? That's it?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Because he also learned something from one of his friends. His friend told him, "It takes one to know one." So now your son is telling everyone at school your mother is a Nazi."

I had to put my hand over me mouth to keep from laughing. My shoulders were shaking with mirth until someone nudged me and handed me a tissue. It was Jaio! She was standing there, genuinely concerned I was upset. This got me laughing more, and I started choking on me laughter. I told Tonya I'd take care of it when I got home. I'm sure Tonya thought I was upset, but I was trying to control the laughter. Then I wiped the tears and thanked Jaio for her supply of tissues. I left the office. I had to go before they carted me off to the crazy house.

I went to the food area, and no one was there. I was going to brew meself a cup of joe when I saw Rachel Ray on the telly screen icing CUPCAKES! Did you ever find something that was not that funny, and it suddenly became hysterically funny, and you couldn't stop laughing? Well, I burst out with a huge guffaw and, not wanting to attract attention, took myself to the small utility closet where the brooms and paper towels are stored. Once in there, I let it out. I laughed and laughed until I could laugh no more. As I was settling down, there was a soft knock on the door.  At first, I thought it was something else until I heard it again and realised someone was knocking on the broom closet door. I opened the door and saw Ms. Jaio looking at me with a box of tissues. I'm sorry, but I lost it completely, and she thought I was crying. She thought something terrible had happened, and here I was, grief-stricken. How do you tell someone who doesn't speak English that you find fat ladies eating almost a dozen cupcakes funny and that a complete stranger gives you the finger for no reason you can think of, AND your son is at school telling everyone his grandmother is a Nazi! I mean, come on!

I tell ya, I don't know what it is about me that all this silliness follows me around. Sigh.

Gabe
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