To add to me frustration of trying to get anything around here done, me dragon lady mother-in-law landed off her broomstick at me front door. You don't know the pleasure I get at seeing her sneering face asking me snidely how I be doing. And each time I'd like to answer I was doing well until she appeared, but the wife be at me side, so I had to be nice speaking through me teeth how wonderful it was to see her. I could choke on me own bile when forced to be nice to the one woman in all the world who has made me her lifetime target for worse son-in-law on the planet.
After the trials and tribulations of putting up with me own Mam's antics I somehow found that the Irish do get lucky (on rare occasions) and was able to pawn me apple cheeked, grey-haired Mam off on the Dragon. This was Friday this happened. I needed to go into Boston for a meeting, and Tonya was at work, the kiddos all in school so that left you know who. As I slid me skinny self out the front door I wished them both a prosperous day. Me Mam caught on suddenly that I was leaving her alone with the Dragon. She asked me where I THOUGHT I was going. I told her the truth and shut the door. I chuckled to meself knowing she was none to happy, but hey after the coat incident (I know I be much too anal about that), it was her just desserts to spend the day with the wearisome dragon.
I laughed to meself all the way to Boston about how clever I was by not saying a word. I made me Mam think I had the whole day when in reality I had only the morning off. When I returned around 6:30 that evening, it was to a dragon lady very happy with herself and a Mam who looked rather too smug, which made me very nervous. What the two of them could have got them into such a self-satisfied mode of humour I had no clue. After dinner which was this:
"Well dere Gabriel, I haf sumtin' I wanna shoo ye." And almost covertly she lead me to me office. She flipped on the lights and waited. I didn't see anything different but then I did. On me book shelf was a face, a stone face. I looked at her in wonder and she explained that she and Dragon had tea and "crumpets" and afterwards decided (at least Dragon did) that they were bored, so Dragon suggested they go out. Mam tried her hardest to get Dragon out while she stayed home and prepared a game pie. That fell on deaf ears as Dragon offered to help when they came back. With no corner to run to me Mam sighed, got on her coat and off they went.
Now a side note here, me Mam likes moons, not the kind me sons whip out pulling down their pants at her, but any kind of statue or rendering of the moon she be all appreciative. We have moon art throughout the house like this:
Me Mam wanted to get home and not spend the day traipsing about small towns with Dragon. Dragon wanted to visit an antique shop and promised it would be their one and only stop since Mam seemed focused on making that game pie. Seems Mam embellished this story how the kiddos and me in particular, where hounding her for her Boxing Day Game Pie (in truth we weren't but it be a fav), and she must have been very convincing to get the Dragon to agree to one stop and one stop only.
She must have gone on and on about how put out she was, and how hard she works to help around the house and how she looks after the kiddos while the wife and I are at work, and how she does the laundry, tidies up the abode, cooks dinners and goodies, etc., none of which we have asked her to do. But she piled it on and somewhere in that black heart of Dragon's she actually felt sorry for me grey-haired apple cheeked little Mam. I tell ya the woman can be a real piece of work when she sets her mind to it, which by the by be all the time her mind is on THAT.
So in the antique shop (which be a rather large one), me Mam made well away for the 20 questions on everything in the shop that Dragon often subjects her to. Mam made off, or more like, sneaked off to another part of the shop. Dragon, feeling (as I said sorry for the little Mam) saw a moon face she thought to buy her to lift her spirits. So covertly she made her way to the counter, paid for the face, had it wrapped nicely and then took off after me wandering mother.
Once in the auto, Dragon lifts the heavy object from her shopping bag and not being able to hold it up for long (because of the weight) gets it on me Mam's lap with a drop that almost crushed me Mam's thighs.
"Ock! Wot be dis?" Mam said trying to lift it off her pinned thighs.
"Open it!" Dragon demands all delighted.
"Well, ok but wot be it?"
"You'll see." Dragon said all happy with herself.
Mam ripped through the wrappings and when she saw the object d' art she went stone still. She couldn't find the words, for there in her lap was this heavy stone faced and I might add grim expression ancient colonial man. Yes, the head was in a moon shape but the rest of it was eerily familiar and if me Mam could have screamed "Get this thing off me NOW!" she would have. But knowing the Dragon was oblivious to what she had gifted her with, me polite Mam summoned the courage to say thank ye.
"I sense a hesitation Mrs. O. Is there a problem with my gift?"
"Uh noo, not exactly but wot do ye tink it be?" Me Mam was curious.
"Why a moon stone! Look it's the man in the moon." Dragon near shouted in glee. "I know you like moons so to boost your spirits I couldn't resist."
Well, me Mam could resist but she couldn't resist informing Dragon that what in reality she had bought her was a grave marker. Yup Dragon had bought a headstone! And Dragon was none too happy to know that. She suggested they go back inside and take it back and she'd tell the proprietor a thing or two for not telling her what she was purchasing.
Me Mam was of another mind entirely, no, she said, she wanted it because she thought it would make a wonderful addition to MY office! Dragon, appeased by that idea and all for it (of course she'd be) said all right and on the way home they Googled the piece since his name was on it. Yup, it was! Neither of them thought to go back in and ask WHY a grave marker was for sale in an antique shop. Neither thought it might be nice to return it to it's rightful dead owner, no it was better I should have it! I tell ya!
So when I saw it and knew instantly what it was me first question was WHY then it was where did she get it from and why was it on me office book shelf then I saw what book was placed next to it, Edgar Allan Poe's works! Getting no concrete answers to anything, eventually I got the story out of Dragon who told me she'd be offended if I got rid of it.
"Look at this way Gabe, it looks enough like you when you pass on to the great beyond we can use it to mark your ashes out in the backyard." She said this with a huge smile, yes she did, like this was no big deal, and wow Tonya would save a buck on a grave marker because now I had one! It could sit on the shelf watching over me until the day. Oh yeah, very nice sentiment. This has taught me NEVER to leave them both alone together. Here I was so smug with meself and now, hey I have a me grave marker which I never thought I'd see sitting on me book shelf while I be living!
Tonya, thinks its a hoot she does. She told me she looked it up (after minor concern we had a stolen headstone) and found it is a facsimile and thus ART. She be no better than the other two. AND the kiddos think it's great. It be me dog that comes into me office with sad eyes convinced I be departing this earth soon. It actually whines at me feet. So now I be creeped out. Here take a look-see.
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