16 December 2018
933
R. Linda:
I be remiss. I started writing this back in November, so playing catch-up now. Better late than never.
As you know I be a turkey fanatic, and the best thing about the U.S.A. be Thanksgiving Day. An excuse to have turkey twice a year instead of just at Yuletide. This year was no different for me in the drool department as the days led up to the first feast of the season! That be until the Dragon lady flew in on her broom and settled herself in me abode like she owned the place. Meanwhile, me Mam had come down with the flu, so she was out of commission in the preparation food department. Tonya and I decided we'd roll up our sleeves and take over thinking we'd have a third pair of hands in the Dragon, but no, no, she had settled herself nicely on our couch with a cup of hot cider, cookies, and the remote control.
It was with no amount of snide whispers between me and the wife over the mother-in-law's indifference to all the work we were doing, that it dawned on us, that Dragon had not mentioned her husband. Usually, we get Big sends his regards, but no that didn't occur so Tonya took time out from her piecrust to confront her mother on just where "daddy" was located.
"Oh Tony is at the house, he's making dinner this year." That was the answer.
"Sooo . . . why aren't you with him?" Tonya asked.
"Because I'm here, that's why."
"But Mom, you could have brought him."
"Oh no, he has to cook for your brothers and sisters." Was the quip back.
There was no getting through to her highness so Tonya came back and we resumed our whisperings in the kitchen until she decided to ring up "Daddy". This she did quietly out of earshot of "mom." It seems Dragon told Big Tony she felt like a colonial Thanksgiving and in Victorian Cape May that wasn't happening, so she was off to New Hampshire. "No, nothing going on, that's your mother for you," Tony said with a sigh. Well, ok then. As long as we knew there was nothing amiss and she wouldn't be moving in, we were ok.
"We dodged a bullet there, Ton," I whispered, "I was quakin' in me boots there for a second."
Thanksgiving came and along with it, the usual suspects and one or two invited persons who have no place to go. We try to do our good deed on that score every year. This year was Mrs. Cutty and her husband. Both have been ill, he with cancer, she with a brain bleed. Both are sufficiently recovered but weak and they have no family. The other was Mam's Ben, who to this day she says be just a friend, she's not interested in him but he seems to spend a lot of time squiring her about, so who knows?
Mr. Cutty, never having seen the Dragon, and before we could introduce her, said in his loud booming voice (he's deaf as a doorpost so there be a lot of shouting on his part), "Who is THAT?"
Maybe Dragon scared him, I dunno, but she took exception to be called a THAT and squinted her eyes at him like she'd like to throw up her wand and have him levitated out of the room. Quickly, me fast but medicated Mam stepped in and shouted, "THAT BE HERSELF COME FROM JERSEY."
"Ooh." Mr. Cutty said like that made perfect sense which it didn't.
It did not take Dragon long to get her revenge, as we sat down at table she says to Mrs. Cutty, "So ya got any pets besides him?" This said pointing her soup spoon at Mr. Cutty. I tell ya, the woman be a piece of work and then some! Everything stopped for a second before the clatter of cutlery and silverware took over the sudden stop. Luckily neither Cutty could understand the New Jersey accent nor can either hear well, so that flying insult went unheard . . . I think.
I'd like to say that was bizarre, but no it wasn't, Dragon did not stop there. Instead, throughout dinner she regaled us with the latest news of the day. To which quite the discussion went on in trying to correct Dragon's fake news to what was the real news. As you know, Dragon can't see to save her life so when she reads anything, whatever it be always comes out as something else. We are used to it but the Cuttys were not, so this was an experience of frustration for them thanks to Dragon's non-stop commentary on world events shouted at the top of her lungs when she was informed the Cuttys couldn't hear.
But before she got to that, she noticed me Mam was a bit woozy from her flu medications and made the remark in front of the entire table, "We may have to order your dinner from the pharmacy. You don't look well."
Mam being too under the weather let that one go, but I know she hasn't forgotten it and later when Dragon least expects it, revenge will be visited.
Dragon noticed the youngest had spilled his peanut soup all over the tablecloth in front of him so she just had to point that out. "As your mother would say, that wee one has made a right mess of it hasn't he?" Zinger number two! But the wee one replied, "My butt pressure is going up!" As he looked across the table a scowl on his face directed right at his Dragon Grandma-ma.
Oddly she laughed at that, but the highlight of Thanksgiving was one particular pumpkin pie. Yes indeed. For the past three years we've had Ben as a guest at our table, and every year he bakes us a pumpkin pie. The first year the pie was mostly soup, but luckily we had two others and he never knew that his pie went out in the bin. Last year the pie was done perfectly, but he forgot the seasonings so it was like eating squash baked in a crust. We never mentioned it, just took mouthfuls and suddenly stopped chewing as we looked at each other and then Ben noticed and we noticed he noticed so we suddenly smiled and said ummm and kept on chewing and then we forced ourselves to swallow. So this year, he bought the usual up a day early. It looked perfectly baked, but did it have the spices? No one knew. There was no way to cut a piece to find out and we did not want an instant replay of the year before, SO me and the wife baked another few pumpkin pies and disguised one of them as Ben's. Ben's pie we put on top of the microwave and left with a tea towel over it so no one would disturb it. However, while Mam was in bed with the sniffles the day before and both Tonya and I were out, the local church lady came to collect the pie we donated to the annual Church Supper. Dragon, being the only one there thought the covered pie was THE pie and she handed it off to the church lady.
When we came in and discovered the pie was gone, we wondered what became of it. I asked me Mam who had no clue and then Dragon came waltzing in and informed me she gave it to the church! Tonya grabbed a pie and I ran after her and drove to the church at 100 mph. Their Thanksgiving dinner for the less fortunate was being set up. We ran in with the right pie but we couldn't tell what pie was Ben's. Holy Yuckers! What to do.
The lady in charge of the desserts came up and we gave her our pie.
"I taught dat we already had yer pie," she said in her thick Irish accent. "Clar said it wuz one of dese 'ere," and she pointed to six pumpkin pies.
"Oh Claire got the wrong pie," Tonya said, and then explained the problem. We got a forced laugh from Annie Malone, the dessert lady and we all three stood looking down at the pies as though the right one would let us know which it was. Yea-ah. After a few seconds of silence we all three shrugged in unison.
"I'll just leave this one with you in case," Tonya said gently putting our pie on the table.
"Ooh kay." Annie said, her eyes wide.
Well, the day after Thanksgiving guess what we got? Yup Ben's pie showed up. It had been sliced for serving but there was one glaring discrepancy that proved Ben did not get this year's pie right. Yup, in the middle of the pie was a large gummy wad of cinnamon and nutmeg. Never got mixed in. Oh yeah, with big chunks of raw pumpkin.
Well, want not, waste not right? Me being not too happy with me cousin Sean took a bowl of whipped cream that Mam had made to cover the taste of Ben's pie should it lack flavour, and covered Ben's disaster with it. I took it to the camper and left it on Sean's table. Yup I did. But the joke was on me, dumbarse came in after devouring the entire thing and had the nerve to tell me it was the best pie he had ever eaten.
Me Mam who was feeling much better and was having her tea when Sean came loping in, overhearing him, whispered to me and Tonya, "Dere was a shite-load of Bailey's I put in dat whip cream. Look at em' he's drunk as a skunk poor ting, he don't noe wot he ate jus the Bailey's deadened his taste buds. Probably never be da same."
You know it is a good thing I didn't slather that pie in Mam's whipped topping for the church lady. Can you imagine I came close to doing that? I had asked Mam why she was making separate whipped cream when we already had some. She told me it was expressly for Ben's pie and Ben's pie only. I didn't get it at the time what she had done. It took four days for Sean to sober up thanks to that whipped topping.
Yup never a dull moment in me abode. But wait there's more!
I thought to heed Mam's advice this year and do me Christmas shopping early. So I went on Amazon since I live a million miles from a shopping mall, and bought stocking stuffers for Tonya which are the hardest things to buy because when thinking about it I have no clue what to fill a stocking with.
This year me Mam helped me select the hard-to-pick stocking stuffers. She told me Tonya would like this kitchen implement, and that one, and that one, and oops that one too! Her finger ran down me computer screen selecting a bunch of kitchen aids that she put on me shopping list.
"Really?" I said. "These things seem more for you than Tonya."
"Ooh noe, noe, noe." Said she.
So I ordered all those things and as they arrived, one by one (I might add), I got text alerts on me phone as well as notification emails from Amazon. What I did not bank on was Alexa announcing to all and sundry, "2 shipments have arrived! The Ateco 1447 4-sided Decorating Comb and Icing Smoother, and the Vollrath 3/4 Stainless Steel Disher, Size 40 that you ordered have been delivered to your garage door."
"ALEXA NO, shhhhhhhh shush!" I said.
"Sorry, I don't understand you." She says back beginning to repeat the order.
"ALEXA, DO NOT TELL WHAT THE PACKAGES THAT WERE DELIVERED ARE. THEY ARE CHRISTMAS PRESENTS!"
"Ok Gabe, to avoid spoiling any surprises, I won't shout out what package contents were delivered until after the New Year."
"ALEXA WHAT?"
"I mean share." She said slyly.
I knew she meant shout. I tell ya!
Gabe
Copyright © 2018 All rights reserved
933
R. Linda:
I be remiss. I started writing this back in November, so playing catch-up now. Better late than never.
As you know I be a turkey fanatic, and the best thing about the U.S.A. be Thanksgiving Day. An excuse to have turkey twice a year instead of just at Yuletide. This year was no different for me in the drool department as the days led up to the first feast of the season! That be until the Dragon lady flew in on her broom and settled herself in me abode like she owned the place. Meanwhile, me Mam had come down with the flu, so she was out of commission in the preparation food department. Tonya and I decided we'd roll up our sleeves and take over thinking we'd have a third pair of hands in the Dragon, but no, no, she had settled herself nicely on our couch with a cup of hot cider, cookies, and the remote control.
It was with no amount of snide whispers between me and the wife over the mother-in-law's indifference to all the work we were doing, that it dawned on us, that Dragon had not mentioned her husband. Usually, we get Big sends his regards, but no that didn't occur so Tonya took time out from her piecrust to confront her mother on just where "daddy" was located.
"Oh Tony is at the house, he's making dinner this year." That was the answer.
"Sooo . . . why aren't you with him?" Tonya asked.
"Because I'm here, that's why."
"But Mom, you could have brought him."
"Oh no, he has to cook for your brothers and sisters." Was the quip back.
There was no getting through to her highness so Tonya came back and we resumed our whisperings in the kitchen until she decided to ring up "Daddy". This she did quietly out of earshot of "mom." It seems Dragon told Big Tony she felt like a colonial Thanksgiving and in Victorian Cape May that wasn't happening, so she was off to New Hampshire. "No, nothing going on, that's your mother for you," Tony said with a sigh. Well, ok then. As long as we knew there was nothing amiss and she wouldn't be moving in, we were ok.
"We dodged a bullet there, Ton," I whispered, "I was quakin' in me boots there for a second."
Thanksgiving came and along with it, the usual suspects and one or two invited persons who have no place to go. We try to do our good deed on that score every year. This year was Mrs. Cutty and her husband. Both have been ill, he with cancer, she with a brain bleed. Both are sufficiently recovered but weak and they have no family. The other was Mam's Ben, who to this day she says be just a friend, she's not interested in him but he seems to spend a lot of time squiring her about, so who knows?
Mr. Cutty, never having seen the Dragon, and before we could introduce her, said in his loud booming voice (he's deaf as a doorpost so there be a lot of shouting on his part), "Who is THAT?"
Maybe Dragon scared him, I dunno, but she took exception to be called a THAT and squinted her eyes at him like she'd like to throw up her wand and have him levitated out of the room. Quickly, me fast but medicated Mam stepped in and shouted, "THAT BE HERSELF COME FROM JERSEY."
"Ooh." Mr. Cutty said like that made perfect sense which it didn't.
It did not take Dragon long to get her revenge, as we sat down at table she says to Mrs. Cutty, "So ya got any pets besides him?" This said pointing her soup spoon at Mr. Cutty. I tell ya, the woman be a piece of work and then some! Everything stopped for a second before the clatter of cutlery and silverware took over the sudden stop. Luckily neither Cutty could understand the New Jersey accent nor can either hear well, so that flying insult went unheard . . . I think.
I'd like to say that was bizarre, but no it wasn't, Dragon did not stop there. Instead, throughout dinner she regaled us with the latest news of the day. To which quite the discussion went on in trying to correct Dragon's fake news to what was the real news. As you know, Dragon can't see to save her life so when she reads anything, whatever it be always comes out as something else. We are used to it but the Cuttys were not, so this was an experience of frustration for them thanks to Dragon's non-stop commentary on world events shouted at the top of her lungs when she was informed the Cuttys couldn't hear.
But before she got to that, she noticed me Mam was a bit woozy from her flu medications and made the remark in front of the entire table, "We may have to order your dinner from the pharmacy. You don't look well."
Mam being too under the weather let that one go, but I know she hasn't forgotten it and later when Dragon least expects it, revenge will be visited.
Dragon noticed the youngest had spilled his peanut soup all over the tablecloth in front of him so she just had to point that out. "As your mother would say, that wee one has made a right mess of it hasn't he?" Zinger number two! But the wee one replied, "My butt pressure is going up!" As he looked across the table a scowl on his face directed right at his Dragon Grandma-ma.
Oddly she laughed at that, but the highlight of Thanksgiving was one particular pumpkin pie. Yes indeed. For the past three years we've had Ben as a guest at our table, and every year he bakes us a pumpkin pie. The first year the pie was mostly soup, but luckily we had two others and he never knew that his pie went out in the bin. Last year the pie was done perfectly, but he forgot the seasonings so it was like eating squash baked in a crust. We never mentioned it, just took mouthfuls and suddenly stopped chewing as we looked at each other and then Ben noticed and we noticed he noticed so we suddenly smiled and said ummm and kept on chewing and then we forced ourselves to swallow. So this year, he bought the usual up a day early. It looked perfectly baked, but did it have the spices? No one knew. There was no way to cut a piece to find out and we did not want an instant replay of the year before, SO me and the wife baked another few pumpkin pies and disguised one of them as Ben's. Ben's pie we put on top of the microwave and left with a tea towel over it so no one would disturb it. However, while Mam was in bed with the sniffles the day before and both Tonya and I were out, the local church lady came to collect the pie we donated to the annual Church Supper. Dragon, being the only one there thought the covered pie was THE pie and she handed it off to the church lady.
When we came in and discovered the pie was gone, we wondered what became of it. I asked me Mam who had no clue and then Dragon came waltzing in and informed me she gave it to the church! Tonya grabbed a pie and I ran after her and drove to the church at 100 mph. Their Thanksgiving dinner for the less fortunate was being set up. We ran in with the right pie but we couldn't tell what pie was Ben's. Holy Yuckers! What to do.
The lady in charge of the desserts came up and we gave her our pie.
"I taught dat we already had yer pie," she said in her thick Irish accent. "Clar said it wuz one of dese 'ere," and she pointed to six pumpkin pies.
"Oh Claire got the wrong pie," Tonya said, and then explained the problem. We got a forced laugh from Annie Malone, the dessert lady and we all three stood looking down at the pies as though the right one would let us know which it was. Yea-ah. After a few seconds of silence we all three shrugged in unison.
"I'll just leave this one with you in case," Tonya said gently putting our pie on the table.
"Ooh kay." Annie said, her eyes wide.
Well, the day after Thanksgiving guess what we got? Yup Ben's pie showed up. It had been sliced for serving but there was one glaring discrepancy that proved Ben did not get this year's pie right. Yup, in the middle of the pie was a large gummy wad of cinnamon and nutmeg. Never got mixed in. Oh yeah, with big chunks of raw pumpkin.
Well, want not, waste not right? Me being not too happy with me cousin Sean took a bowl of whipped cream that Mam had made to cover the taste of Ben's pie should it lack flavour, and covered Ben's disaster with it. I took it to the camper and left it on Sean's table. Yup I did. But the joke was on me, dumbarse came in after devouring the entire thing and had the nerve to tell me it was the best pie he had ever eaten.
Me Mam who was feeling much better and was having her tea when Sean came loping in, overhearing him, whispered to me and Tonya, "Dere was a shite-load of Bailey's I put in dat whip cream. Look at em' he's drunk as a skunk poor ting, he don't noe wot he ate jus the Bailey's deadened his taste buds. Probably never be da same."
You know it is a good thing I didn't slather that pie in Mam's whipped topping for the church lady. Can you imagine I came close to doing that? I had asked Mam why she was making separate whipped cream when we already had some. She told me it was expressly for Ben's pie and Ben's pie only. I didn't get it at the time what she had done. It took four days for Sean to sober up thanks to that whipped topping.
Yup never a dull moment in me abode. But wait there's more!
I thought to heed Mam's advice this year and do me Christmas shopping early. So I went on Amazon since I live a million miles from a shopping mall, and bought stocking stuffers for Tonya which are the hardest things to buy because when thinking about it I have no clue what to fill a stocking with.
This year me Mam helped me select the hard-to-pick stocking stuffers. She told me Tonya would like this kitchen implement, and that one, and that one, and oops that one too! Her finger ran down me computer screen selecting a bunch of kitchen aids that she put on me shopping list.
"Really?" I said. "These things seem more for you than Tonya."
"Ooh noe, noe, noe." Said she.
So I ordered all those things and as they arrived, one by one (I might add), I got text alerts on me phone as well as notification emails from Amazon. What I did not bank on was Alexa announcing to all and sundry, "2 shipments have arrived! The Ateco 1447 4-sided Decorating Comb and Icing Smoother, and the Vollrath 3/4 Stainless Steel Disher, Size 40 that you ordered have been delivered to your garage door."
"ALEXA NO, shhhhhhhh shush!" I said.
"Sorry, I don't understand you." She says back beginning to repeat the order.
"ALEXA, DO NOT TELL WHAT THE PACKAGES THAT WERE DELIVERED ARE. THEY ARE CHRISTMAS PRESENTS!"
"Ok Gabe, to avoid spoiling any surprises, I won't shout out what package contents were delivered until after the New Year."
"ALEXA WHAT?"
"I mean share." She said slyly.
I knew she meant shout. I tell ya!
 |
| The Offending Ms. Alexa Dot |
Gabe
Copyright © 2018 All rights reserved
