30 April 2020
985
R. Linda:
You know of the Honey Do List that wives draw up for their husbands? Yeah well, mine is astronomically long. With the Stay At Home rule, I have no choice but to do some of those things listed. Most are garden chores. I thought I did me due diligence by cleaning out the garden beds around the house, and it would keep me out of the garden proper. But no, no, I be wrong. I had THIS waiting for me:
I have no excuse on earth but the same old same old, like "Me darlin' I be working from home I be. I can't just stop and go out and clear the garden." And, "Darlin' can't ye see I be helpin' the kiddo with his school work?"
Yeah well, not good enough. School doesn't last all day and neither does work from home. The latter has a few breaks with it and an hour's lunch, which if I was in Boston gives me time to get to an eatery, have lunch and get back. But in your own home, you don't have to go far for the kitchen, have a bite and be done with time to spare! In some cases there be eating sannys in front of the computer while working. And all this has been noticed by the lady of the house it has.
So with me selective hearing, I didn't hear, "Gabe, can you get those last two beds cleared and put the plastic over them?" No, I heard, "Gabe, when you get a chance can you clear the last bed so I can put the plastic down?"
Now, I will freely admit the wife does a better job at gardening than I could ever do, EVER! So when I saw what she had done I was impressed. But then I saw what she wanted me to do, and was feeling very overwhelmed.
She said she'd make it easy for me, loam had been delivered and I could use me neighbour's borrowed tractor to go get it and put it in the cleared beds. First, let me tell you I have never operated a tractor in me life! Further, this tractor be older than me! And, it be slower than molasses on a hot July day. I'd be out there for five months just trying to get the tractor loaded with dirt and then another five months tooling it to the garden and by the time I got to the garden bed, I'd be too exhausted to do anything.
Wth all these directions I was told to put in a small koi pond, you know one of those prefab things you dig a hole, set it in and Bob's your uncle and you are all set except for a trip to the fish store or whatever store has fish.
So feeling like I had to use the tractor, I decided to get it running and into the garden and just maybe I could clear a bed with it and I tried I did, but it was an awful result. I even got some dirt to push up against the pond once I got that in. I dug a hole, put the pool on top and it started to rain. Oh gee, what bad luck me. Ha ha. And I left it and went inside. Well, it poured and it filled up the prefab pond and when I came out the next day, the pond was full and had risen up about half a foot and the dirt I had put around it was spongy, it felt like walking on a water bed. I tried putting rocks around the perimeter but that didn't help. The rain had filled in the hole underneath as well as the prefab pond and now it was swamp land. This meant that if you stepped over to the pond proper, you'd be up to your knees in mucky mud! I had even installed the bamboo fountain that was supposed to aerate the water for the fish, BUT when the valve would fill and spill over into the pond, it sounded like an old toothless hag clapping her jaws shut. Not exactly the sound one wants for a meditative space.
Was I in trouble? You betcha! When the wife came out to inspect the "damage" she turned to me and said, "How to fuck up a garden!" Yes, there were tyre tracks from the tractor where the ground should have been smooth, yes, there was churned-up dead grass in the flower beds I tried to clear with the tractor bucket (which doesn't work by the by), there was nothing done RIGHT or to the satisfaction of her ladyship.
What was left to do? I'll tell you what was left to do, THIS:
I went inside and Mam was clucking her tongue at me. I knew me trying to go around what I should have, made more work than desired. I stuck me lower lip out at her and she came over and gave me a hug. I feigned like I was weeping and she said, "Here, here, now . . . coom wit me I have sooch to remedy dis." And while I sat at the kitchen island she bought the ingredients for sweet shots SHE likes. We had seven in succession - not the wisest thing to do - and I knew by the sixth I was going to be in trouble and probably kill meself so I said to her to wait a bit. Well, that seventh shot curdled from the Bailey's (thank the fates for that!) and neither of us committed suicide by shots.
We put all the evidence away before the wife came in from the "fucked up garden" and went to the front where there be a natural pond with a large water feature and sat on the steps listening to the silence when in the back we heard gunfire. Then several more shots.
"Probably yer wife practicin' how she's gonna shoot you next time she sees ya." Me Mam, helpful as always said to me.
Turns out it was me neighbour shooting off rounds because he was bored, but after the shots of alcohol and me mind not functioning as it should, I was convinced it was the wife. I happened to look at me Zulruru wristwatch and noticed me heartbeat was 96! It was from the booze. I took it off and it was down to 81, and then this happened see below:
I had felt ok up until I saw THAT, I will admit to a slight headache, and we did stop the drinks, which be rather a unique thing because me little grey-haired, apple-cheeked old Mam doesn't imbibe. She'll have a social drink and take a sip but usually, she doesn't indulge which was an indication she had seen me garden work and well, it caused HER to drink!
We were debating I start some burgers because it was getting late and I knew Tonya was still in the garden, and me making dinner might make up for the "damage" a wee bit. I looked at me watch to see the time and OMG! The time was there but I had no heartbeat!!! Below the little red heart were three lines, R. Linda, THREE LINES indicating I had flatlined and was dead. This excited me terribly I can tell ya that much. I felt me chest to make sure I had feeling and was really there, and I looked at me Mam and told her I didn't know how I was animated when I was dead. As you can imagine this caused her alarm and she was at first thinking I was losing it (I was) then on being the rational person she be, realised that couldn't be happening and had me explain how I was a walking deadman.
I showed her the watch and by this time, the date was gone! THAT put me into more of a flux because if I was dead, I didn't know how long I had been because I didn't have a date so as time is infinite I must be DEAD!
Mam had a time trying to look at the watch's face with me jumping around in amuck sweat and tsked at me to stop because wasn't me that was dead it was the watch.
"Lookie dere the numbers are fadin' oot so ye need to recharge da battery ya dolt. Dead indeed! It's a good thing yer fatha ain't er' ta see dis display of crazy."
Good thing NO ONE was there to see me display of crazy. Obviously, the shots did more to me brain than me heart rate.
"Yup yer more brain dead than anything," Mam said going inside.
Just then I heard another shot and this time me addled brain played the trick that I was shot through the non-beating heart! I staggered back and almost fell down the stairs from the shock that I actually thought Tonya had snuck around the side of the house and took aim because she was THAT angry with yours truly. But no, I looked down, no red stain on me shirt, just mud from the loam. I felt like a real jerk and was and am glad no one was there to have witnessed me being a crazy person.
Sigh!!!
Gabe
Copyright © 2020 All rights reserved
985
R. Linda:
You know of the Honey Do List that wives draw up for their husbands? Yeah well, mine is astronomically long. With the Stay At Home rule, I have no choice but to do some of those things listed. Most are garden chores. I thought I did me due diligence by cleaning out the garden beds around the house, and it would keep me out of the garden proper. But no, no, I be wrong. I had THIS waiting for me:
 |
| Mound of loam |
Yeah well, not good enough. School doesn't last all day and neither does work from home. The latter has a few breaks with it and an hour's lunch, which if I was in Boston gives me time to get to an eatery, have lunch and get back. But in your own home, you don't have to go far for the kitchen, have a bite and be done with time to spare! In some cases there be eating sannys in front of the computer while working. And all this has been noticed by the lady of the house it has.
So with me selective hearing, I didn't hear, "Gabe, can you get those last two beds cleared and put the plastic over them?" No, I heard, "Gabe, when you get a chance can you clear the last bed so I can put the plastic down?"
Now, I will freely admit the wife does a better job at gardening than I could ever do, EVER! So when I saw what she had done I was impressed. But then I saw what she wanted me to do, and was feeling very overwhelmed.
 |
| Tonya's finished beds |
 |
| Beds left for ME! |
 |
| Ancient machine |
So feeling like I had to use the tractor, I decided to get it running and into the garden and just maybe I could clear a bed with it and I tried I did, but it was an awful result. I even got some dirt to push up against the pond once I got that in. I dug a hole, put the pool on top and it started to rain. Oh gee, what bad luck me. Ha ha. And I left it and went inside. Well, it poured and it filled up the prefab pond and when I came out the next day, the pond was full and had risen up about half a foot and the dirt I had put around it was spongy, it felt like walking on a water bed. I tried putting rocks around the perimeter but that didn't help. The rain had filled in the hole underneath as well as the prefab pond and now it was swamp land. This meant that if you stepped over to the pond proper, you'd be up to your knees in mucky mud! I had even installed the bamboo fountain that was supposed to aerate the water for the fish, BUT when the valve would fill and spill over into the pond, it sounded like an old toothless hag clapping her jaws shut. Not exactly the sound one wants for a meditative space.
 |
| Floating pond and clapping fountain |
What was left to do? I'll tell you what was left to do, THIS:
 |
| All one needs for chocolate-covered cherry shots |
I went inside and Mam was clucking her tongue at me. I knew me trying to go around what I should have, made more work than desired. I stuck me lower lip out at her and she came over and gave me a hug. I feigned like I was weeping and she said, "Here, here, now . . . coom wit me I have sooch to remedy dis." And while I sat at the kitchen island she bought the ingredients for sweet shots SHE likes. We had seven in succession - not the wisest thing to do - and I knew by the sixth I was going to be in trouble and probably kill meself so I said to her to wait a bit. Well, that seventh shot curdled from the Bailey's (thank the fates for that!) and neither of us committed suicide by shots.
We put all the evidence away before the wife came in from the "fucked up garden" and went to the front where there be a natural pond with a large water feature and sat on the steps listening to the silence when in the back we heard gunfire. Then several more shots.
"Probably yer wife practicin' how she's gonna shoot you next time she sees ya." Me Mam, helpful as always said to me.
Turns out it was me neighbour shooting off rounds because he was bored, but after the shots of alcohol and me mind not functioning as it should, I was convinced it was the wife. I happened to look at me Zulruru wristwatch and noticed me heartbeat was 96! It was from the booze. I took it off and it was down to 81, and then this happened see below:
 |
| No heartbeat! |
I didn't notice the battery needed charging and put it back on after I had shown the features to me inquisitive Mam. I went to blood pressure to show her how that works and me blood pressure came up 128/96. I should be having a massive heart attack or worse be dead!
I had felt ok up until I saw THAT, I will admit to a slight headache, and we did stop the drinks, which be rather a unique thing because me little grey-haired, apple-cheeked old Mam doesn't imbibe. She'll have a social drink and take a sip but usually, she doesn't indulge which was an indication she had seen me garden work and well, it caused HER to drink!
We were debating I start some burgers because it was getting late and I knew Tonya was still in the garden, and me making dinner might make up for the "damage" a wee bit. I looked at me watch to see the time and OMG! The time was there but I had no heartbeat!!! Below the little red heart were three lines, R. Linda, THREE LINES indicating I had flatlined and was dead. This excited me terribly I can tell ya that much. I felt me chest to make sure I had feeling and was really there, and I looked at me Mam and told her I didn't know how I was animated when I was dead. As you can imagine this caused her alarm and she was at first thinking I was losing it (I was) then on being the rational person she be, realised that couldn't be happening and had me explain how I was a walking deadman.
I showed her the watch and by this time, the date was gone! THAT put me into more of a flux because if I was dead, I didn't know how long I had been because I didn't have a date so as time is infinite I must be DEAD!
Mam had a time trying to look at the watch's face with me jumping around in amuck sweat and tsked at me to stop because wasn't me that was dead it was the watch.
"Lookie dere the numbers are fadin' oot so ye need to recharge da battery ya dolt. Dead indeed! It's a good thing yer fatha ain't er' ta see dis display of crazy."
Good thing NO ONE was there to see me display of crazy. Obviously, the shots did more to me brain than me heart rate.
"Yup yer more brain dead than anything," Mam said going inside.
Just then I heard another shot and this time me addled brain played the trick that I was shot through the non-beating heart! I staggered back and almost fell down the stairs from the shock that I actually thought Tonya had snuck around the side of the house and took aim because she was THAT angry with yours truly. But no, I looked down, no red stain on me shirt, just mud from the loam. I felt like a real jerk and was and am glad no one was there to have witnessed me being a crazy person.
Sigh!!!
Gabe
Copyright © 2020 All rights reserved
