05 July 2020
Story #991
R. Linda:
When I was young, I was the fall guy for me sister's antics and took the blame to save her from being grounded until she was 90 for foolish things she did. I had to move an ocean away to escape from becoming her professional scapegrace for the rest of me life. I thought I was free and clear but then Mam moved over here too, and she loves to regale me own bairns with me so-called exploits which were really me sissy's.
I sit there shaking me head no, but she goes right on like I be not there and me very own kiddos are laughing and enjoying her stories of a misbehaving me, of which none are true. If the name Sheila was at the end of those stories, then all the tales she be telling them would be true! But no, as much as I protest and try to correct her, it be too late, she simply does not believe me!
This makes me parenting job very difficult it does because when attempt to discipline me boyos, they turn around and say, "Well Da, don't you remember when YOU . . . " did this or that which really was me sissy doing this or that not yours truly. Me mam be so brainwashed by Sheila, she has done the same with me own wee gentleman.
Just yesterday I got into a kerfuffle with me eldest over helping me in the yard. I had started cleaning the gutters (which be a task I abhor because it be a dirty job, not to mention the heights one must achieve on a ladder to clean in the first place), and I was throwing down the pine needles, leaves, and twigs to the ground making a terrible mess. I told the eldest, one O'Hare by name, to get a bucket and clean up the mess as I threw it down. His reaction was less than satisfactory. He hemmed and hawed and threw the mess hard into the bucket, his mouth going about something to do with his friends the entire time. It seems they were waiting online for him, and he needed to get into the game, so he went on and on. It was one of those times I wished I had a hearing aid to shut him off. But I don't yet, but I look forward to the day when I do!
The "discussion" continued over dinner about how he missed out by helping his Da, how the dirt got underneath his pristine fingernails, and how he would be washing his hands for weeks to get the grime off of them—blah, blah, blah! I informed him then that I had another section of gutter for tomorrow and that I expected him out there with the bucket, which reaction was a hefty sigh, a verbal UGH!, and kicking the counter under his chair.
But let me digress a moment. The wee one was given a lovely fresh cucumber and red onion salad smothered in sour cream and seasonings, making for a very cool and tasty side dish to his
cheeseburger. He said he did not like the salad because of the "stuff on it," which was the sour cream. Tonya informed him he needed to eat his veggies or no ice cream sundae. Mr. Sugarholic was alert to that and wanted nothing more than that ice cream sundae. Mam informed Mr. Sugarholic that whipped cream was the same as sour cream, but with sugar.
"I dunt believe YOU!" Was the retort.
"If you lick off the sour cream, you can eat the cucumber without it," Mam informed him.
No one at the table said a word, and sure enough, the sour cream was being licked off, and it was hard not to burst out laughing. The salad was eaten, and dessert was served to all. I tell ya!
The next day we had showers on and off. I informed his highness (as he was enclosed in his dark cave of a room in front of the glowing screen, wildly hammering away at his gaming console) to shut it off, the storm wasn't coming for a while, and he needed to get the bucket and help me with the gutters. I was somewhat stunned at the reaction. He took his headphones off, paused his game and smiled at me. I asked, "What?" he said, "Oh nuthin'."
I left him feeling rather more than perplexed because I didn't get the shouting and stamping reaction I expected. I went out to set me ladder up and get started. But there was a problem. The ladder wasn't where I left it, and I walked around the house, and there was no sign of it anywhere. I did not think O'Hare would be helpful if I asked him if he'd seen it, so I asked everyone else, and no, no, no one had seen the sainted ladder.
"Well, who would have taken it?" I asked Tonya who was in her garden weeding.
"I don't think anyone would take it, you must have mislaid it," she said helpful as always.
"Have you seen the size of it? It's long and heavy," I said, looking around.
A few minutes later, O'Hare appeared on the deck, looked around, saw I was helping his mother, and went back inside. It was almost like he paused his game to make an appearance. That thought stuck in my mind. Just by the way he came out, his body language seemed to give away that he'd be turning right around and going back inside to his friends and game.
That night at dinner, I asked Mam if she had taken the ladder.
"Oh begorrah me! How on God's green eart' would I lift dat ting an' poot it sumwhere?"
True enough. The only person I didn't ask was the grinning gamer, who had a glint in his narrowed yellow eyes as he listened to his gran being bedevilled over a ladder. Suspicious, I looked closely at him and said, "So! Do YOU know anything about the ladder?"
And he laughed and said, "How much do you want to see your ladder alive and well again?"
I knew it! I just bloody knew it, he had me ladder stashed somewhere.
"Here are the terms," he said with an evil smile, "I'll return your ladder alive and well if YOU have Guido help pick up the gutter debris."
This, of course, got a rise out of Guido, "NUH AH!!! I don't do gutters!"
"Ye do now." Me helpful Mam said laughing.
"No, wait a minute," I said, "I won't be blackmailed. Instead, I'll do you one better, Mr. O. That gaming system, you know the one in your room? It officially belongs to ME since I paid for it."
Before I could go on, he knew where I was headed and jumped up, but I was faster and cut him off at his room door. I blocked it, and we had a discussion about the ladder returning, oh yes, alive and well, or the gaming system out the window. Which did he prefer?
Me ladder be back (yes, alive and well it be), and O'Hare threw the gutter mess into the bucket, cursing under his breath. I asked him how it felt to be me when I was done.
"Whaddya mean?" He looked at me, puzzled.
"You tried to pull a Sheila on me with the ladder, and I got the best of ya."
"A Sheila, is it?" He grinned, "More like your Ma! She's the one who told me to hide the ladder! It runs in the family!" And off he went, whistling happily to himself while I stood there, me brow wrinkled into a frown. Then I heard something to me right, and there was Mam, creeping off in the opposite direction.
"AH HA!" I said going after her. "The truth will out, eh, Mam?"
"Ooh wot yer makin' a royal fuss aboot? Yer as cagey as yer sister ever wuz, I knew wot she wuz aboot an' the more ye took her part the more I let ya. All da while tinkin' one day ye'd get a backbone an' stick it to 'er."
"O'Hare be no Sheila," I said.
"He's a close second, he be."
I was not happy she was teaching him in the Sheila tradition. I took meself off for a coffee and a dozen doughnuts, which I do when I stress out. Now we have been mindful of cleanliness, wearing masks, and social distancing, and we don't go out anywhere just to keep all of us safe, especially our old one. So I have not been to the local Dunks in a while. I pulled up, ordered a Matcha Latte (of which I had no clue what that drink was, but it was new to me and I thought to try it), and a dozen assorted gushy doughnuts, no old fashions, please!
I pulled up to the window and was given the green tea drink first. It is an alarming green colour, but I took a sip and then another, and another after that, and have officially decided it be like sipping leaf juice, which it be in reality, and tastes very much like I clipped the hedges and made a drink out of it. While I was gagging, I looked up at the window and saw this:
The doughnuts came, and I almost said something, but I couldn't be sure the drippings were not outside the window or inside. I think inside, but I wasn't about to get nit-picky; I just wanted my doughnuts. So I paid, drove to the curb to pick out a goodie, and opened the box to mostly the old-fashion doughnuts. I had one gushy jelly doughnut; the rest were old-fashions or blueberry. I almost drove back, but the line was too long and I was too hot and the storm was coming, so I went home very disappointed.
I have been in a funk ever since. I just can't get over the fact that I live with a new Sheila, a wee one who is picky about every dish he is served and not getting satisfaction at me local Dunks!
Gabe
Copyright © 2020 All rights reserved
Story #991
R. Linda:
When I was young, I was the fall guy for me sister's antics and took the blame to save her from being grounded until she was 90 for foolish things she did. I had to move an ocean away to escape from becoming her professional scapegrace for the rest of me life. I thought I was free and clear but then Mam moved over here too, and she loves to regale me own bairns with me so-called exploits which were really me sissy's.
I sit there shaking me head no, but she goes right on like I be not there and me very own kiddos are laughing and enjoying her stories of a misbehaving me, of which none are true. If the name Sheila was at the end of those stories, then all the tales she be telling them would be true! But no, as much as I protest and try to correct her, it be too late, she simply does not believe me!
This makes me parenting job very difficult it does because when attempt to discipline me boyos, they turn around and say, "Well Da, don't you remember when YOU . . . " did this or that which really was me sissy doing this or that not yours truly. Me mam be so brainwashed by Sheila, she has done the same with me own wee gentleman.
Just yesterday I got into a kerfuffle with me eldest over helping me in the yard. I had started cleaning the gutters (which be a task I abhor because it be a dirty job, not to mention the heights one must achieve on a ladder to clean in the first place), and I was throwing down the pine needles, leaves, and twigs to the ground making a terrible mess. I told the eldest, one O'Hare by name, to get a bucket and clean up the mess as I threw it down. His reaction was less than satisfactory. He hemmed and hawed and threw the mess hard into the bucket, his mouth going about something to do with his friends the entire time. It seems they were waiting online for him, and he needed to get into the game, so he went on and on. It was one of those times I wished I had a hearing aid to shut him off. But I don't yet, but I look forward to the day when I do!
The "discussion" continued over dinner about how he missed out by helping his Da, how the dirt got underneath his pristine fingernails, and how he would be washing his hands for weeks to get the grime off of them—blah, blah, blah! I informed him then that I had another section of gutter for tomorrow and that I expected him out there with the bucket, which reaction was a hefty sigh, a verbal UGH!, and kicking the counter under his chair.
But let me digress a moment. The wee one was given a lovely fresh cucumber and red onion salad smothered in sour cream and seasonings, making for a very cool and tasty side dish to his
cheeseburger. He said he did not like the salad because of the "stuff on it," which was the sour cream. Tonya informed him he needed to eat his veggies or no ice cream sundae. Mr. Sugarholic was alert to that and wanted nothing more than that ice cream sundae. Mam informed Mr. Sugarholic that whipped cream was the same as sour cream, but with sugar.
"I dunt believe YOU!" Was the retort.
"If you lick off the sour cream, you can eat the cucumber without it," Mam informed him.
No one at the table said a word, and sure enough, the sour cream was being licked off, and it was hard not to burst out laughing. The salad was eaten, and dessert was served to all. I tell ya!
The next day we had showers on and off. I informed his highness (as he was enclosed in his dark cave of a room in front of the glowing screen, wildly hammering away at his gaming console) to shut it off, the storm wasn't coming for a while, and he needed to get the bucket and help me with the gutters. I was somewhat stunned at the reaction. He took his headphones off, paused his game and smiled at me. I asked, "What?" he said, "Oh nuthin'."
I left him feeling rather more than perplexed because I didn't get the shouting and stamping reaction I expected. I went out to set me ladder up and get started. But there was a problem. The ladder wasn't where I left it, and I walked around the house, and there was no sign of it anywhere. I did not think O'Hare would be helpful if I asked him if he'd seen it, so I asked everyone else, and no, no, no one had seen the sainted ladder.
"Well, who would have taken it?" I asked Tonya who was in her garden weeding.
"I don't think anyone would take it, you must have mislaid it," she said helpful as always.
"Have you seen the size of it? It's long and heavy," I said, looking around.
A few minutes later, O'Hare appeared on the deck, looked around, saw I was helping his mother, and went back inside. It was almost like he paused his game to make an appearance. That thought stuck in my mind. Just by the way he came out, his body language seemed to give away that he'd be turning right around and going back inside to his friends and game.
That night at dinner, I asked Mam if she had taken the ladder.
"Oh begorrah me! How on God's green eart' would I lift dat ting an' poot it sumwhere?"
True enough. The only person I didn't ask was the grinning gamer, who had a glint in his narrowed yellow eyes as he listened to his gran being bedevilled over a ladder. Suspicious, I looked closely at him and said, "So! Do YOU know anything about the ladder?"
And he laughed and said, "How much do you want to see your ladder alive and well again?"
I knew it! I just bloody knew it, he had me ladder stashed somewhere.
"Here are the terms," he said with an evil smile, "I'll return your ladder alive and well if YOU have Guido help pick up the gutter debris."
This, of course, got a rise out of Guido, "NUH AH!!! I don't do gutters!"
"Ye do now." Me helpful Mam said laughing.
"No, wait a minute," I said, "I won't be blackmailed. Instead, I'll do you one better, Mr. O. That gaming system, you know the one in your room? It officially belongs to ME since I paid for it."
Before I could go on, he knew where I was headed and jumped up, but I was faster and cut him off at his room door. I blocked it, and we had a discussion about the ladder returning, oh yes, alive and well, or the gaming system out the window. Which did he prefer?
 |
| The missing ladder was found under the grapevine |
Me ladder be back (yes, alive and well it be), and O'Hare threw the gutter mess into the bucket, cursing under his breath. I asked him how it felt to be me when I was done.
"Whaddya mean?" He looked at me, puzzled.
"You tried to pull a Sheila on me with the ladder, and I got the best of ya."
"A Sheila, is it?" He grinned, "More like your Ma! She's the one who told me to hide the ladder! It runs in the family!" And off he went, whistling happily to himself while I stood there, me brow wrinkled into a frown. Then I heard something to me right, and there was Mam, creeping off in the opposite direction.
"AH HA!" I said going after her. "The truth will out, eh, Mam?"
"Ooh wot yer makin' a royal fuss aboot? Yer as cagey as yer sister ever wuz, I knew wot she wuz aboot an' the more ye took her part the more I let ya. All da while tinkin' one day ye'd get a backbone an' stick it to 'er."
"O'Hare be no Sheila," I said.
"He's a close second, he be."
I was not happy she was teaching him in the Sheila tradition. I took meself off for a coffee and a dozen doughnuts, which I do when I stress out. Now we have been mindful of cleanliness, wearing masks, and social distancing, and we don't go out anywhere just to keep all of us safe, especially our old one. So I have not been to the local Dunks in a while. I pulled up, ordered a Matcha Latte (of which I had no clue what that drink was, but it was new to me and I thought to try it), and a dozen assorted gushy doughnuts, no old fashions, please!
I pulled up to the window and was given the green tea drink first. It is an alarming green colour, but I took a sip and then another, and another after that, and have officially decided it be like sipping leaf juice, which it be in reality, and tastes very much like I clipped the hedges and made a drink out of it. While I was gagging, I looked up at the window and saw this:
 |
| Deep cleaned? It looks it NOT! |
I have been in a funk ever since. I just can't get over the fact that I live with a new Sheila, a wee one who is picky about every dish he is served and not getting satisfaction at me local Dunks!
Gabe
Copyright © 2020 All rights reserved
ewwww you should have said something to the dunks person i would have. i almost missed this story good i looked down and saw it. boys huh?
ReplyDeleteOf course you would have, you're a Karen at heart. LOL
ReplyDeleteROFLMAO you should have asked! I've had matcha . I compare it to a boiled sock. The boys should have chores and consequences. I hate to say anything about your mom but telling the boys how to pull a fast one is not a good idea. Taking sides? Bad nanny. LOL
ReplyDeleteThe old grapevine trick, huh? LMAO Your family certainly amuses mine.
ReplyDelete