01 March 2022
Story #1063
R. Linda:
I can't cut a break in me own home. I had Monday off, so I slept in. Is that a crime? No, I was an hour over me normal time, so I went to the kitchen for a cup of morning joe. The ladies were in the living room, sipping away. There was 1/4 cup left! And it was lukewarm to boot. I tell ya!
So I mumbled about that and sat down with them. I don't know what they had been talking about, but everything went silent as I sat it down. That made me think I had been the subject of conversation. I looked at them both and said, "What?"
"I was telling your Mam about the person called the 'Sandman' I had seen on this program about valuable show horses, where he'd come at night and dose the animals so they'd die and pay out large insurance payments."
"That's awful," I said. "Where was this that I didn't know about it?"
"On the TV last night, you had fallen asleep."
Mam pursed her lips together and jumped in.
"Well, I saw a crime weekend shoo tha hadda man kill hez wife fur a million dollars an' she wuz lost at sea." Mam offered up. Then, as an afterthought, she said, "If Gabriel here takes out a million-dollar policy on hez life, I'll help ya dispose of 'em. We'll split da money 50/50, half a mil fur you an' half a mil fur me."
That woke me up, coffee or no. Nice, me own mother!
They were laughing their fool heads off, but I moved away from them on the couch all the same. I tell ya I get no respect in me own abode.
To make matters worse, this morning, I had a blood draw and a check-up at me doctor's office. I decided to go for the bloodletting first because I hadn't eaten anything since 6 p.m. the night before. I bought a thermos of coffee with me so that after the labs, I could run out to me car and sip the pleasant wakeup liquid at me leisure. I had got there early so I'd have time between appointments to do the coffee sipping.
I was taken right away for the needle pricking, and in 1, 2, 3, Bob's your uncle, I was out of there. Happy I had fifteen minutes to chill before me checkup, I went out to me vehicle and with total ecstasy took a nice big sip of me joe and closed me eyes and just smiled like a Cheshire Cat. I took another sip and same reaction, it was sooo good! But I felt like someone was watching me, and I looked over at the car parked next to me, and sure enough, there was a woman with a horrified expression on her face looking straight at me. I took another sip, and her eyebrows flew up, and she shook her head in disapproval. It was then that it dawned on me that she thought I was drinking alcohol at 8:40 in the morning. I was not going to let her destroy me coffee time, so I took me thermos, got out of me vehicle, lifted me thermos at her and said, "It's 5 o'clock somewhere!" and went inside to the waiting room and sipped it there to the disapproving glances of the masked patients. I sat far enough away from them, but nothing nor nobody was going to stop me from enjoying me wake-up brew.
After all this, I was so stressed that I stopped at Dunks and got a dozen doughnuts. I only wanted one and was going to share the rest with the kiddos, but I ate six all on my own as I relived the woman in the car on the drive home. I know. I was working on a muffin top sans the fudge. You don't have to tell me. I know, I know, I know, I know, I know.
Gabe
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