The Linda Letters by Gabriel O'Sullivan: Crazy Conversation With The Mother-In-Law And Then Ben Sets Himself On Fire!

17 March 2020

Story #1020

R. Linda:

What do you do when you have an appointment set up for someone to come and install THE Christmas toilet, and they write you this:

"Hiya! We have an appointment this afternoon. I just want to let you know that I have a cold. I woke up yesterday with a sore throat and a bad headache, but no fever. Today, I'm just a little congested. It's up to you if you want me to come or reschedule."

I was speechless for a few seconds and punched in "No, let's reschedule that, shall we?"

This be the plumber who came to fix a leaky pipe last summer and told me the Coronavirus was a hoax and that he was not wearing a mask. So naturally, knowing that, I was not going to keep that appointment, though by the tenor of it, it sounded like he didn't want to either.

An update on Dragon: She has a rash on her arm, whereas Mam has experienced nothing since the first Moderna shot. Dragon said she usually gets a rash with a flu shot, so nothing new, and she expected it with the COVID-19 vaccine, but isn't happy about it. It itches, but she's not taking a Benadryl nor putting any cream on it. So itch away there, Dragon.

I told her she should reconsider an ointment, and she said, "Gabriel, as infuriating as you are, I am rather fond of you."

Gee, thanks for that. When I told her a work associate, Vicky, had the same reaction and was fine the next day, she asked me why someone would name their child Whickey? It got worse when I said to her that rashes from shots were probably her Achilles heel, and she asked me who R. Kelly's was and what his heel had to do with anything.

She ended the conversation by saying, "Seattle Republicans were holding up the stimulus bill." It took a moment before I realised she meant Senate, not Seattle. Gees, the woman. I haven't heard from her since that crazy conversation, and I can only think she's fine because I would have heard if she wasn't.

Me scratching me head at the wondrous non-working power of some people's brains doesn't stop there. Meanwhile, down the road apiece, Mam's good friend Ben decided since there was snow on the ground, he'd light a brush pile and get rid of it, since he didn't need a fire permit because of the snow. So being Ben and a manly man, he stood watching the fire burn, but it wasn't burning to his satisfaction. So, being Ben, he got himself a can of old petrol and threw it on the already crackling flames. This made the fire hiss like a giant snake, and the burn started to take off more than he expected. He decided that the petrol can could be old and he didn't need it, so he threw the thing into the raging fire and it arched as the fumes and loose petrol caught the high flames and suddenly Ben felt warm as he was walking away. Yes, the fire arched and caught his underwear on fire! Also, when the gas hit the raging wood, it exploded! I got a phone call from my neighbour way down the road asking me if I heard something blow up. Little did I know at the time what that explosion was.

Here, see for yourself: Ben's undies have burn holes. Did he learn? Probably not. And who says living in the rural sticks of New Hampshire doesn't have its excitement?