Driving The Captain's Car With The Captain In It This Time

31 October 2015

Story #789

R. Linda:

Well, I got me wish or curse, as the case may be told. I got a call early this morn, the Captain had a gig down in Massachusetts and would be sailing by me abode on the way home. I was coffee-less as it were and said, "Sure, Captain, sail on in, I'll have the dock ready for the Pearl. Har!" And so it was that the Pearl sailed in with the Captain at the helm. I was ordered back inside to get me Captain Hook costume on, but Hook disappeared in the move, so out of the boot of the Pearl the Captain produced Hook's brother Bentley Hook's blue pirate coat, ruff, hat, wig, and SWORD. The sword was the thing; if it wasn't for THAT, I wouldn't have dressed up as Hook's younger and better-looking bro!

Oh, and this was not just any sword; the sword actually made electronic swishing and clanging noises, so you can see THAT was quite a big thing for yours truly.

So once dressed and still coffee-less, I was thrown in the passenger side of the Pearl and we were flying like the Dutchman out of the drive and onto the country roads where there is usually NO ONE. However, today, because I was dressed inappropriately, there were many people walking dogs or jogging. Yes, but lucky for us, they were facing the same direction as we were, so they did not get to see the two Jolly Rogers in the front seat. UNTIL we came to a little country bistro that specialises in breakfast on down the road. Parking is on both sides of the road, and since it was Saturday, it was packed. People were crossing the road, and here it is the law that one must stop as pedestrians go first! I had to sit there cringing as pointing children and worse, their parents pointed at us all animated curiosity that the license plate indicated it was Captain Jack Sparrow and yes, he did roll down his window and gave a spectacular performance of guiding the gawking and amused public across the road so we could proceed. I am sure that made THEIR day.

I was slumped in me seat while this was going on, hoping no one I knew was in the gawking crowd. Once our path was clear, we started out, and I told Captain Jack we were good to go for a while because it was a highway, one lane, with no lights until we hit two towns over. And that light was always green, so there was no fear of stopping. However, we were approaching it when it changed to amber, and we were too far back to gun the Pearl through (not that the Captain would, seeing how stopping with people in other cars staring doesn't phase him).

So there we were by ourselves, me thanking the heavens until a car on the right pulled into the turn lane next to us and another on the left. We were sandwiched there for a good five minutes, and the gawkers on the left sat through the go light because they were too busy trying to get our attention, of which I would not let the Captain even look their way for fear of just that happening. Our light changed, and off we flew.

I was begging for coffee; I really needed it. The Captain was all for hitting a pub to brace me up, but it was 10:30 a.m. and well, none were open! Thank the good Lord for THAT, or he would have stopped. As it was, he was all for stopping at a Whole Foods Store just to be seen inside. I tell ya.

"A little trick or treat, Cappy. I could get us free food if you are inclined." He laughed, but he was serious, I just knew he was. The answer was DRIVE ON, CAPTAIN!

So, off to Dunks we went, and I have to tell you, it was a pleasant time. We ordered at the drive-thru (because there was no way he was going to get me out of the Pearl) and pulled up to three wenches dressed in girly pirate gear. They were surprised to see us at first, until they noticed the Captain, and then it was everyone who worked there who came to the drive-thru window to see if that was really Johnny Depp ordering coffee and doughnuts. I tell ya, the Captain made the most of this, he did. He got a free doughnut and coffee, but I had to pay for mine. What's up with that? I wanted to know. He told the "wenches" they would make perfect partners for us two pirates, and they were all about that. I wanted to hit him with me sword, but I was too amazed at this flirting that I just sat there like an idiot with me yammer hanging open.

To add insult to injury, I handed him me money, a ten-dollar bill, and so enamoured of the gushing wenches that he didn't want to burst their Johnny Depp bubble, he told them to keep the change, my change!

Somehow, we managed to extract ourselves from the fawning and flirting, pulling over to drink our coffee and eat a few doughnuts. I should know the Captain gets high on sugar because when he was done, he got the Pearl in gear and off we sailed down the road, him waving and doffing his Captain tri-cornered hat at all the adoring people. I tell ya the man has no modesty whatsoever. By now, we were on a two-lane town road. Most people were still waking up, so we were relatively unnoticed unless we pulled up next to them at a light and the Captain did his number on them. Hard to believe I know! Geez.

Incognito didn't last long because we hit a village green and people were walking to the general store, who certainly saw us. At first glance, they stop, double-take, and look again, and an uncertain smile comes across their faces. Recognition of who one of us looked like, then broad smiles, tentative waves, and finally the total abandonment of amusement fills their whole bodies as suddenly the thought hits them: 'Hey, that looks like Johnny Depp!' HELL, THAT IS JOHNNY DEPP! And they start toward the direction of the car, read the license plate, and then are convinced that R. Linda, that has to be him!

Unfortunately for the star-struck, the Captain be used to all this and knows when to put the boot to the pedal and zoom out of there, leaving them wondering. Yes, he's very good at manoeuvring himself out of what could be long autograph sessions, where he denies being who they hope he is, which always ends with them not believing he isn't who they think he is, but he says he's not, while signing one or two autographs. Oi!

That happened when the Captain had a sneezing fit and needed tissues. We pulled up to a Walgreens and he handed me a ten and instructions to go in and buy him a box of Kleenex and anything else I might want.

"Nooo, why me? You're the one who needs the tissues." I pointed out, as we sat in front of the store, that passersby started to notice.

"If I go in there, mate, I will be mistaken for you know who and never get out. It would be faster and painless if YOU do it."

I couldn't find any reason not to do his bidding, and so I did. Not an eye blinked at me get up. You would think tall men dressed as pirate captains come into Walgreens every day of the year! When I came out, I found the Captain signing autographs (whose name he was writing, I do not know), and he used me as his excuse to go, citing I had a terrible case of seasickness and he needed to get me home. All this said sounding like Depp and using Jack's witticisms at me expense. Much laughter was directed at me, and off we sailed. I tell ya!

The drive home was uneventful, as there was hardly any traffic. However, the traffic there was, did notice us, unlike the morning traffic that was tooling along, with drivers deep in their own thoughts.

Now I know what it's like to be Captain Jack and drive the Pearl around. On Halloween, such is the day, we were not given a second thought, but if it weren't Halloween, I bet we would attract lots more attention.

He did tell me he's been pulled over by the police for minor infractions, just so they can take a look at him. He has told me ladies get all excited and flushed in the face when they pull up and realise who is sitting in the next car over. I can attest to this being true as it happened several times, especially when we pulled through Walmart and had to wait to make a turn. If it were a woman making that turn, well, golly gee, womphers, as the Weasil would say, they would actually stop, roll down the window and yell, "JACK! I LOVE YOU, JACK!" Oi.

Jack has told me that he knows a makeup artist who will do a nice job on the Weasil to make them look exactly like DiCaprio, and we can drive around in a limo next year. Wouldn't that be a thrill? He asked me. Well, Jack, no, no, it would not because for one thing, Weasil would truly get into that, and there would be no getting him out of character or home, ever. I would be stuck forever being his chauffeur, and I can't imagine the torture THAT would be like. No, this was enough for me. I be not curious any longer how the famous move among the public. I do know I couldn't do it. I couldn't keep up the act, that's for darn sure. I'd be too overwrought by the time I got home, I'd be certifiable. More power to the Captain, I guess his personality is adjustable, and he enjoys it.

The mind boggles.

Gabe
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