12 February 2012
500
R. Linda:
Well, buckle up baby, it's gonna be a ride! That's what I said to me wallet. I've seen PANDORA and I am here to tell the men of the world to unite against this stupid ugly bracelet with what are passed off as so-called modern-day charms! What happened to charm bracelets where the charms looked like things they represented? For example, a clover for luck, a baby shoe for a firstborn, or even a tennis racket for a sport she likes? Nah, no more, now you pay through the teeth for these big bulky-looking "charms" that look like beads! Each one will cost you a body part. They are supposed to mean something, and for the life of me, I don't know how a round bead could represent a garden or red hot love.
So this morning, the wife was hardly talking to me. Woe was me, I even had to make me own breakfast and while I was at it I ended up making pancakes for everyone because SHE wasn't lifting a finger. Too stressed she said to think straight. But the good news is -- I be still alive! I know you saw a flying frying pan in me future, but it didn't materialise, but I know it's early yet.
We plodded through the day in icy deep freeze, but I knew not to bring up THE subject of Valentine's Day if I wanted to breathe a few more hours. I hid in me loft most of the morning, yes I did, I was being cowardly, I know, but I heard her in the kitchen and that was too close to frying pans and other things like knives. Once she was out I got meself downstairs and took out the trash, I wiped up the kids' hands and mouths from the cookies they had gotten into, I let the dogs out and then in when they were done doing their business. I even helped clean up the toys that were scattered all over the place. I was being a good Do-bee. Come on, I should get credit for not having to be rounded up and whipped into doing those things. I actually did them on me own. But she hadn't forgotten about that damn Pandora jewellery. I was hoping me doing chores and even making lunch and honey and sweetying her to death would get me out of the cauldron of boiling water I knew she had waiting for me unsuspecting self.
She told me after dinner we were going to drive all the way to Manchester to the jewellery store and get her Valentine's Day present out of the way. Oi. I had left a colour flier from some other jewellery store open on the table in the kitchen, but she didn't see it, so I slipped it on the coffee table in the living room. It had pretty silver and gold heart-shaped necklaces for a fraction of these Pandora things. Yeah, I went online and looked them up. EXPENSIVE.
So all through dinner I heard all about the bracelet and how disappointing Valentine's Day was going to be. I already knew that, and couldn't change the dinner part but was vigorously working on the bracelet part. I figured I'd have to sell a lung to pay for it. I even toyed with raiding O'Hare's penny jar, but not to worry, I didn't as tempted as I was.
After dinner, she had our coats and threw mine at me telling me she'd drive I could sit and enjoy thinking about how flat my wallet was going to be when we got back. Oh yes, she did say that. I went for O'Hare's coat, and she asked me what I was doing since we had a sitter.
"He be me first born and he's payment."
"Funny, funny man, put his coat back and let's go."
So into her VW, we got and off we went to the big city. The store had a big sign PANDORA, oh yeah, goody. I patted me wallet as we walked in. There was a gent there with his wife, he was very red in the face and wiping his brow, and wifey was smiling. I was standing next to them while we waited for a salesperson. I looked over towards his wife, and there was a velvet tray with all kinds of beads on it and the wife was talking to the salesman. The husband looked at me and whispered, "Are you ready to sell an organ?" and he pointed at the tray. "I didn't know how expensive these baubles were." He was almost breathless and this of course put me into amok sweat it did. I knew from me own investigation as well as yours, me Muse, that these beads alone range from $20 to over $800 for just one bead! I leaned toward him and whispered, "I be about to feel your pain, me wife be all about this Pandora thing too." He whispered back, "You'll be spending from $250 to a thousand! Happy Valentine's Day!" It was funny it was, but not really, I patted me wallet again.
"May I help you?" The woman behind the counter said and off Tonya went. They went to another part of the counter and I couldn't move. I was standing there wishing I had a paper bag to breathe into because I was not far from hyperventilating.
"How'd your wife talk you into this?" The red-faced man asked me softly.
"It's penance. I did a terrible thing, I made dinner reservations at an up-scale restaurant and invited two other couples. She wanted to spend it eating chocolates and drinking champagne." I shrugged. "But me friend rang and it seemed like a good idea at the time. Of course, I didn't tell her until days later, I know, I know, I should have told her right off. I learned me lesson."
"Bummer." He whispered. "Women don't like surprises. Maybe she's that kind."
Yeah she does, she just doesn't like WEASIL surprises. And it had not crossed me mind to remember that last lunch she had with Patrick, so that's two strikes right there. The third might be not being able to afford the bracelet. I asked him what he had done.
"I was late for work the other morning and her Shih-Tzu got out as a result. I didn't have time to run after him, I had a presentation, she's been upset over that. I don't know where that mutt got off to, but here I am, replacing it with a high-end bracelet."
"Ouch," I whispered back. "I better go see what kind of bill she be runnin' up," I said and left him for Tonya leaning over beads and rings, and necklaces and all sorts of stuff. Me eyes bugged out of me head, no, I thought not all this stuff I won't have a pence left to me name!
"The sterling bracelet is $75 and it has a lobster claw hook for easy attachment." The woman said as I looked down at the baubles displayed on the counter. And this bead is called the Black Star, this is the one you must have I know, and that's $65. And the Oxy Swirl is $25 and let me see, the other one you like is Wanda's Garden 2, and that's $20 and this one is a Studded Clip at $50, excuse me a moment." The saleslady left us for a question from another sales consultant. Studded Clip? I felt clipped, clipped in the wallet. I gulped and me wife smiled up at me as she fingered the beads.
"I could get the black silk thread instead of the sterling silver," she mused, then she said, "Nah."
I said nothing, I was too busy calculating in me head so far what was priced out. But as I was about to reach total the woman behind the counter was back.
"Where were we?" She said and I thought THERE'S MORE?
"Wanda's Garden 1 the black spacer," me helpful wife said.
"Yes, right, that's $50 and the Beads Swirl heart is $20 and the Beads Indian Patter is $25. But you should have some colour."
"Yes, yes, how about this one and this one," me wife pointed to a blue and a red bead.
"Oh fabulous choice this, the Blue Stars at $40 and the Red Stars at $40. And your total is around $315 I should say.
FOR FREAKING JOI, NOT!!!
"I'll just write this up for you shall I?" The woman said smiling at me.
I was struck dumb, I could not reply, I could not move, I could not will meself to clutch me wallet to me heart and yell NOOOOOOO, I couldn't move period! I stood there like a statue. Then the two of them started laughing. I was like WHATTT? It was all a joke on me, to get me to squirm. She had the sales lady go in on it with her. Good thing they weren't busy or that wouldn't have happened. I don't think.
Tonya held up a garnet and crystal heart necklace that cost a whole $65 on sale. I sighed in relief, that I could afford. But I asked her if she would rather have the bracelet, I know, I don't know what gets into me sometimes, there I was free and clear and now I'm asking her if she really wants the pricey bracelet. Shoot me or better give me the gun and I will shoot me.
Well, she said no. She told me she was going to run over to the candy place and get two hearts of chocolate for the boyos. I was busy shelling out the cash and the woman was having the necklace gift-wrapped.
"You know if you ever want to start her off with a Pandora bracelet you don't have to buy but one or two beads to start and then on special occasions you buy her another. It's not usually done all at once because you build your memories through each bead."
"Good to know," I said watching Tonya peruse the chocolate hearts across the way. Here she was being forced to share her fav holiday with the Weasils who drive her up a pole and worse Patrick. I thought about that for a moment. I had at least told her about Patrick being at dinner, but I neglected to tell Patrick about Tonya being at dinner. So not only do I have the pleasure of explaining to Patrick why Ms. Jaio is dressed up like 'Charlotte', but I also have the pleasure of surprising the lad with me wife who he doesn't get along with. It isn't over for yours truly, you see this right?
And when I told you this R. Linda, what did you say to me? Do you remember because I do and won't easily forget you find this humorous?
You said, "I CAN see it. God, I wish I could see it first-hand! And FILM it!" You laughed you did, then you said, "I'd send it to a film festival! The TITLE -- The Hazards of Matchmaking, no wait this is a better one, Stay Out Of Other People's Dating! OR, How To Entertain the Weasils, oh I like that one, ha ha! NO, here's another How To Make Your Wife Happy After You've Screwed Up! No, this one, How To Piss Off Your Wife In Ten Minutes!"
Yes, helpful as always you be. So I thought Tonya was being a terribly good sport and it isn't every day she gets nice things. So I turned to the woman and said, "You know what? I want the bracelet. I will start her off with one if you can wrap it up before she returns."
She blinked, "Well, for heaven's sake not all of them," she gestured to the beads. "Give her one that represents the day or something she likes."
Hurriedly I looked down and thought one for each of us and the red one with the hearts, the red hot love bead, yes I did. "Give me the stars, and spacers for in between them on the sterling with the lobster claw catch."
She smiled at me like I was the most amazing man in the world. "Done!" She said and handed the beads and bracelet to a girl for gift wrapping telling her to be discreet and pointing out Tonya.
"Each one will be a memory." She said, "Oh, do you still want the necklace?" I nodded, of course, I did. "Because you bought over $50 on Pandora you get $10 off the necklace." And she winked at me as she took me credit card and faster than a speeding bullet (because she was thinking COMMISSION) she did as I asked. By the time Tonya got back I had it all paid for, wrapped and we were ready to go, me Ton none the wiser.
Call me a softy, but I do love her, she does a lot and well I owe her big time for putting up with me and me antics not to mention the Weasils.
Gabe
Copyright © 2012 All rights reserved
R. Linda:
Well, buckle up baby, it's gonna be a ride! That's what I said to me wallet. I've seen PANDORA and I am here to tell the men of the world to unite against this stupid ugly bracelet with what are passed off as so-called modern-day charms! What happened to charm bracelets where the charms looked like things they represented? For example, a clover for luck, a baby shoe for a firstborn, or even a tennis racket for a sport she likes? Nah, no more, now you pay through the teeth for these big bulky-looking "charms" that look like beads! Each one will cost you a body part. They are supposed to mean something, and for the life of me, I don't know how a round bead could represent a garden or red hot love.
So this morning, the wife was hardly talking to me. Woe was me, I even had to make me own breakfast and while I was at it I ended up making pancakes for everyone because SHE wasn't lifting a finger. Too stressed she said to think straight. But the good news is -- I be still alive! I know you saw a flying frying pan in me future, but it didn't materialise, but I know it's early yet.
We plodded through the day in icy deep freeze, but I knew not to bring up THE subject of Valentine's Day if I wanted to breathe a few more hours. I hid in me loft most of the morning, yes I did, I was being cowardly, I know, but I heard her in the kitchen and that was too close to frying pans and other things like knives. Once she was out I got meself downstairs and took out the trash, I wiped up the kids' hands and mouths from the cookies they had gotten into, I let the dogs out and then in when they were done doing their business. I even helped clean up the toys that were scattered all over the place. I was being a good Do-bee. Come on, I should get credit for not having to be rounded up and whipped into doing those things. I actually did them on me own. But she hadn't forgotten about that damn Pandora jewellery. I was hoping me doing chores and even making lunch and honey and sweetying her to death would get me out of the cauldron of boiling water I knew she had waiting for me unsuspecting self.
She told me after dinner we were going to drive all the way to Manchester to the jewellery store and get her Valentine's Day present out of the way. Oi. I had left a colour flier from some other jewellery store open on the table in the kitchen, but she didn't see it, so I slipped it on the coffee table in the living room. It had pretty silver and gold heart-shaped necklaces for a fraction of these Pandora things. Yeah, I went online and looked them up. EXPENSIVE.
So all through dinner I heard all about the bracelet and how disappointing Valentine's Day was going to be. I already knew that, and couldn't change the dinner part but was vigorously working on the bracelet part. I figured I'd have to sell a lung to pay for it. I even toyed with raiding O'Hare's penny jar, but not to worry, I didn't as tempted as I was.
After dinner, she had our coats and threw mine at me telling me she'd drive I could sit and enjoy thinking about how flat my wallet was going to be when we got back. Oh yes, she did say that. I went for O'Hare's coat, and she asked me what I was doing since we had a sitter.
"He be me first born and he's payment."
"Funny, funny man, put his coat back and let's go."
So into her VW, we got and off we went to the big city. The store had a big sign PANDORA, oh yeah, goody. I patted me wallet as we walked in. There was a gent there with his wife, he was very red in the face and wiping his brow, and wifey was smiling. I was standing next to them while we waited for a salesperson. I looked over towards his wife, and there was a velvet tray with all kinds of beads on it and the wife was talking to the salesman. The husband looked at me and whispered, "Are you ready to sell an organ?" and he pointed at the tray. "I didn't know how expensive these baubles were." He was almost breathless and this of course put me into amok sweat it did. I knew from me own investigation as well as yours, me Muse, that these beads alone range from $20 to over $800 for just one bead! I leaned toward him and whispered, "I be about to feel your pain, me wife be all about this Pandora thing too." He whispered back, "You'll be spending from $250 to a thousand! Happy Valentine's Day!" It was funny it was, but not really, I patted me wallet again.
"May I help you?" The woman behind the counter said and off Tonya went. They went to another part of the counter and I couldn't move. I was standing there wishing I had a paper bag to breathe into because I was not far from hyperventilating.
"How'd your wife talk you into this?" The red-faced man asked me softly.
"It's penance. I did a terrible thing, I made dinner reservations at an up-scale restaurant and invited two other couples. She wanted to spend it eating chocolates and drinking champagne." I shrugged. "But me friend rang and it seemed like a good idea at the time. Of course, I didn't tell her until days later, I know, I know, I should have told her right off. I learned me lesson."
"Bummer." He whispered. "Women don't like surprises. Maybe she's that kind."
Yeah she does, she just doesn't like WEASIL surprises. And it had not crossed me mind to remember that last lunch she had with Patrick, so that's two strikes right there. The third might be not being able to afford the bracelet. I asked him what he had done.
"I was late for work the other morning and her Shih-Tzu got out as a result. I didn't have time to run after him, I had a presentation, she's been upset over that. I don't know where that mutt got off to, but here I am, replacing it with a high-end bracelet."
"Ouch," I whispered back. "I better go see what kind of bill she be runnin' up," I said and left him for Tonya leaning over beads and rings, and necklaces and all sorts of stuff. Me eyes bugged out of me head, no, I thought not all this stuff I won't have a pence left to me name!
"The sterling bracelet is $75 and it has a lobster claw hook for easy attachment." The woman said as I looked down at the baubles displayed on the counter. And this bead is called the Black Star, this is the one you must have I know, and that's $65. And the Oxy Swirl is $25 and let me see, the other one you like is Wanda's Garden 2, and that's $20 and this one is a Studded Clip at $50, excuse me a moment." The saleslady left us for a question from another sales consultant. Studded Clip? I felt clipped, clipped in the wallet. I gulped and me wife smiled up at me as she fingered the beads.
"I could get the black silk thread instead of the sterling silver," she mused, then she said, "Nah."
I said nothing, I was too busy calculating in me head so far what was priced out. But as I was about to reach total the woman behind the counter was back.
"Where were we?" She said and I thought THERE'S MORE?
"Wanda's Garden 1 the black spacer," me helpful wife said.
"Yes, right, that's $50 and the Beads Swirl heart is $20 and the Beads Indian Patter is $25. But you should have some colour."
"Yes, yes, how about this one and this one," me wife pointed to a blue and a red bead.
"Oh fabulous choice this, the Blue Stars at $40 and the Red Stars at $40. And your total is around $315 I should say.
FOR FREAKING JOI, NOT!!!
"I'll just write this up for you shall I?" The woman said smiling at me.
I was struck dumb, I could not reply, I could not move, I could not will meself to clutch me wallet to me heart and yell NOOOOOOO, I couldn't move period! I stood there like a statue. Then the two of them started laughing. I was like WHATTT? It was all a joke on me, to get me to squirm. She had the sales lady go in on it with her. Good thing they weren't busy or that wouldn't have happened. I don't think.
Tonya held up a garnet and crystal heart necklace that cost a whole $65 on sale. I sighed in relief, that I could afford. But I asked her if she would rather have the bracelet, I know, I don't know what gets into me sometimes, there I was free and clear and now I'm asking her if she really wants the pricey bracelet. Shoot me or better give me the gun and I will shoot me.
Well, she said no. She told me she was going to run over to the candy place and get two hearts of chocolate for the boyos. I was busy shelling out the cash and the woman was having the necklace gift-wrapped.
"You know if you ever want to start her off with a Pandora bracelet you don't have to buy but one or two beads to start and then on special occasions you buy her another. It's not usually done all at once because you build your memories through each bead."
"Good to know," I said watching Tonya peruse the chocolate hearts across the way. Here she was being forced to share her fav holiday with the Weasils who drive her up a pole and worse Patrick. I thought about that for a moment. I had at least told her about Patrick being at dinner, but I neglected to tell Patrick about Tonya being at dinner. So not only do I have the pleasure of explaining to Patrick why Ms. Jaio is dressed up like 'Charlotte', but I also have the pleasure of surprising the lad with me wife who he doesn't get along with. It isn't over for yours truly, you see this right?
And when I told you this R. Linda, what did you say to me? Do you remember because I do and won't easily forget you find this humorous?
You said, "I CAN see it. God, I wish I could see it first-hand! And FILM it!" You laughed you did, then you said, "I'd send it to a film festival! The TITLE -- The Hazards of Matchmaking, no wait this is a better one, Stay Out Of Other People's Dating! OR, How To Entertain the Weasils, oh I like that one, ha ha! NO, here's another How To Make Your Wife Happy After You've Screwed Up! No, this one, How To Piss Off Your Wife In Ten Minutes!"
Yes, helpful as always you be. So I thought Tonya was being a terribly good sport and it isn't every day she gets nice things. So I turned to the woman and said, "You know what? I want the bracelet. I will start her off with one if you can wrap it up before she returns."
She blinked, "Well, for heaven's sake not all of them," she gestured to the beads. "Give her one that represents the day or something she likes."
Hurriedly I looked down and thought one for each of us and the red one with the hearts, the red hot love bead, yes I did. "Give me the stars, and spacers for in between them on the sterling with the lobster claw catch."
She smiled at me like I was the most amazing man in the world. "Done!" She said and handed the beads and bracelet to a girl for gift wrapping telling her to be discreet and pointing out Tonya.
"Each one will be a memory." She said, "Oh, do you still want the necklace?" I nodded, of course, I did. "Because you bought over $50 on Pandora you get $10 off the necklace." And she winked at me as she took me credit card and faster than a speeding bullet (because she was thinking COMMISSION) she did as I asked. By the time Tonya got back I had it all paid for, wrapped and we were ready to go, me Ton none the wiser.
Call me a softy, but I do love her, she does a lot and well I owe her big time for putting up with me and me antics not to mention the Weasils.
Gabe
Copyright © 2012 All rights reserved
11 comments:
you are a wonderful husband for doing that. Not for the dating set up though LOL. I don't understand why we celebrate such a commercial holiday anyway. most of the year we are at our spouses and they at us, so why one day a year do we need to call a truce and gift them? for lasting another year? insane. spending mine with hubby making me a gourmet dinner (he's a chef) and me giving him a movie he's wanted. not as exciting as you will be spending yours LOL.
For Valentine's Day there's nothing like a good hot scotch to warm the cockles of your heart ...and it's not the temperature of the scotch that makes it hot ...it's how it's delivered.
Wow! Wishful thinking on your part Skye?
And, if he were here I'd sing "Rolling In The Deep" to him. I think that says it all. And you? You have a song? LOL
I do! Set Fire To The Rain. It is more reality than . . . you know I'm not going there with you.
Yo ho, do I feel a staum brewin? I don't know if either of ye are interested - but - I have a song! It's called You ARR A Pirate. You can listen until your hearts content, here is the website - http://content.ytmnd.com/content/a/b/0/ab001439ca6b53874c1bbf6bcc18a251.mp3
Other than bumpy and rolling seas Gabe how the hell are ya matey? LMAO You bought your wench a piece of eight and then some. Good of ya captain keep you good until the next holiday. I want to join in on how I will be spending me Valentine's Day. I will be aboard me ship with me own wench and we will be making sail for Portsmouth Harbor to see the whales (only kidding Capt. Whale-less). No we will be dining also with friends and I do have a treasure chest for the wench. She can rummage through it later. :)))~~
OI, OI, OI!!! I have a song for you, how about this: NO FIGHTING ON THE BLOG.
I had no clue what be going on, but it didn't take long to figure it out gees.
Capt. mate, thanks for trying to defuse the situation with humour, appreciate it.
Hey I missed it! Damn, I'm never around when the fireworks go off!
I only song I know with You are a pirate, is from LAZYTOWN! Watching kid shows?
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