11 February 2012
499
R. Linda:
I know you are dying to know how it went with the wife last night. Not well, I can say that much, but we are a go for Valentine's Day dinner. It wasn't easy to convince her you may be sure of that much, but with trepidation, we are both going to tread into the craziness that is coming. Or, maybe we will be pleasantly surprised, and it will go smoothly . . . nah! Never does. Anyway, back to yesterday.
Last night, I arrived home with a bouquet of pre-Valentine flowers. Yes, I know how to brown nose I do. Of course, Tonya was surprised at me gesture and instantly knew something be up and it must not be good.
"Okay, WHAT did you do?" She said setting the flowers down and looking at me with hands on hips.
"Uh . . . nothing. Can't I bring you flowers just because . . ."
"Yeah, Gabe, it's just because I want to know about it. Just because what?"
Uh oh, this wasn't going the way I rehearsed it in me head on the drive home. But I was saved by me phone ringing, but that wasn't exactly a good thing, because when I hung up she had time to think and was ready.
"By the way, who was that called at the crack of dawn?"
Uh oh.
"Uh, that was . . . that was . . . the Weasil!" I flashed a smile like that was an ordinary occurrence, just Weasil, you know, no big deal. But she was waiting.
"So . . . what did he want at that hour of the morning? I hope you told him he was calling us extremely early."
"Uh . . . for sure!" I blurted out in a lie. I don't remember saying anything of the sort to him.
"No, you didn't. So, what did he want he had to call so early?"
"Uh . . . I . . . think I told him," I muttered, trying to remember. "Oh look, Tonya," I began to spill me guts, "he and Amanda are coming here for Valentine's Day and I couldn't stop him . . . "
"WHAT?" She blew up. "That happens to be my favourite holiday and what do you mean you couldn't stop him? Does that mean WE are spending it with THEM? You get on that phone, mister, and call him up and tell him NO!"
"I can't do that." I squeaked.
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU CAN'T?"
"I mean, he's out of touch; he's flown off somewhere for a pre-Valentine holiday with Amanda. Then he's coming here. He told me he'd see us when he sees us." I had to sit down. All this craziness that comes with a Weasil visit was starting to get to me.
"Oh, I see how it is. HE takes HER off to a romantic hideaway, just the two of them most likely, and then when he's had enough alone time, he decides to visit us for our big day THAT we should be spending together, JUST you and me, because HE'S already had his day, so there it is!"
"Uh . . . right," I whispered, running me hand through me hair in frustration. I be sure it was standing on end, I do that unconsciously and well, I've scared meself walking by mirrors. It be an alarming thing to see, but at that moment I wasn't thinking, I was just doing it.
Tonya puffed out her cheeks like a chipmunk as she rattled pots and pans, preparing dinner. I knew she was pissed, and right she should be. I thought to sneak down to our bedroom and put the phone on her side of the bed so the next time . . . oh my God, I hope there is no next time, but no, it's by me side, so if it's work I can answer it. I sighed; I was in trouble and didn't know how to escape it. I loosened me tie and watched me wife's tensed and hunched-up shoulders, a sure sign of anger, and I tried to carry on a pleasant conversation with a topic far away from that of Weasil, but it didn't work. She told me to call the kids to dinner, and we'd talk about Valentine's Day later.
Of course, as the kidlets came trouping in, Guido pointed and laughed at me, and the other one said, "Ha ha ha, look at Da's hair he looks funni, hee hee hee."
Thanks, kid, make things worse. Oi!
"Well, you see, O'Hare, when your father has done something BAD, he looks like that. So easy to tell when he's been naughty." Tonya said, slinging the food around the table.
"Put em' in da naughty corner!" The child shouted, banging the end of his fork on the table for emphasis.
I tell ya, I get no respect. NONE, even from me own flesh and blood. A man can't even eat in peace, and several times when I've cut meself doing gardening work for Tonya, O'Hare likes to sit on the hamper in the water closet and watch me try to bandage meself up. He makes all manner of fun, and truly, I think he belongs to Weasil's clan, not mine. I can't even bleed in peace. I don't have him yaking at how funny he thinks I be. SIGH. So this was no help; he only heaped more fuel on the Tonya fire, but I was about to send it blazing.
"Uh, Ton?" I said ignoring the wee squirt banging the fork. "I should tell ya dat Patrick be joinin' us. I taught it a nice gesture to invite him here with us."
"I'm sorry, Gabe, I didn't hear you. I thought you said Patrick was joining us, but what did you say?"
Uh oh.
"No, ye heard me right. I invited him and Ms. Jaio from me office. Me intern? I be tryin' to spark a wee bit of romance for the poor laddie. It being Valentine's Day and all, and Ms. Jaio, well Ton she needs to get out more and I taught . . . "
She chewed her food slowly, contemplating me, her elbow on the table, flipping her fork around like an agitated rattlesnake shaking its tail. Oh, I had done it I had.
"Isn't it remarkable how you get so Irish when you know you are in trouble? Your speech has got the brogue going."
I shrugged, and the boyos both feigned me accent and words. I was not pleased with them and told them to behave, which reduced them to giggles.
"Doesn't HE have a family?"
"Who? Patrick ye mean? No, they be in Ireland they be." I said.
"And YOU are going to start him out on ours, I see. Like a brother who needs a date, and YOU are in the dating business AGAIN!" She said.
"Dis be the only fumily I have here meself," I gestured round the table. "I be just tryin' to help a fellow Irishman who be all alone in the new world."
"New world," she gave that a dirty laugh. "Then take him to a bar and start him out in moderation, or tell him to drink more and find a woman on his OWN!" She said, filled up with anger. "I don't get why suddenly you have taken this Patrick under your wing. He's abrasive, and I don't like him!"
"Wow, Tonya," I said, feigning being put out and gesturing to little ears that were very quiet, taking this all in with sneers on their wee faces each time they looked at me. "Well, I misspoke I did when I said HERE. I have reservations for all of us in Boston."
"You do, do you?" She sneered, too.
"Now Tonya, I taught with the Weasil's descending the more the merrier, you know take most of the pressure of a Weasil evening off us and well spread the joy."
She sighed. She knew that Patrick and Ms. Jaio's presence would do that, but she wasn't happy about any of it.
Yes, I screwed up; I had somehow smoothed over in me brain the memory of Tonya's luncheon with Patrick that was more abrasive than a pumice stone. How I could have forgotten THAT, I do not know, but I was desperate, and when in that state of Weasil overdrive I become forgetful.
As it happened, I made promises that will cost me a small fortune. But if it brings peace and harmony back to me abode, then it be worth it. However, the more I think about it, the more I realise that Weasil visits always cost me a small fortune. I think I should send him a bill.
I be going out to look for a Pandera or Pandora something like that bracelet. Yes, that's the price, something that will cost me a small fortune to appease the wife. I be so screwed and the DAY isn't even here yet. And you're laughing isn't helping much. SIGH.
Gabe
Copyright © 2012 All rights reserved
R. Linda:
I know you are dying to know how it went with the wife last night. Not well, I can say that much, but we are a go for Valentine's Day dinner. It wasn't easy to convince her you may be sure of that much, but with trepidation, we are both going to tread into the craziness that is coming. Or, maybe we will be pleasantly surprised, and it will go smoothly . . . nah! Never does. Anyway, back to yesterday.
Last night, I arrived home with a bouquet of pre-Valentine flowers. Yes, I know how to brown nose I do. Of course, Tonya was surprised at me gesture and instantly knew something be up and it must not be good.
"Okay, WHAT did you do?" She said setting the flowers down and looking at me with hands on hips.
"Uh . . . nothing. Can't I bring you flowers just because . . ."
"Yeah, Gabe, it's just because I want to know about it. Just because what?"
Uh oh, this wasn't going the way I rehearsed it in me head on the drive home. But I was saved by me phone ringing, but that wasn't exactly a good thing, because when I hung up she had time to think and was ready.
"By the way, who was that called at the crack of dawn?"
Uh oh.
"Uh, that was . . . that was . . . the Weasil!" I flashed a smile like that was an ordinary occurrence, just Weasil, you know, no big deal. But she was waiting.
"So . . . what did he want at that hour of the morning? I hope you told him he was calling us extremely early."
"Uh . . . for sure!" I blurted out in a lie. I don't remember saying anything of the sort to him.
"No, you didn't. So, what did he want he had to call so early?"
"Uh . . . I . . . think I told him," I muttered, trying to remember. "Oh look, Tonya," I began to spill me guts, "he and Amanda are coming here for Valentine's Day and I couldn't stop him . . . "
"WHAT?" She blew up. "That happens to be my favourite holiday and what do you mean you couldn't stop him? Does that mean WE are spending it with THEM? You get on that phone, mister, and call him up and tell him NO!"
"I can't do that." I squeaked.
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU CAN'T?"
"I mean, he's out of touch; he's flown off somewhere for a pre-Valentine holiday with Amanda. Then he's coming here. He told me he'd see us when he sees us." I had to sit down. All this craziness that comes with a Weasil visit was starting to get to me.
"Oh, I see how it is. HE takes HER off to a romantic hideaway, just the two of them most likely, and then when he's had enough alone time, he decides to visit us for our big day THAT we should be spending together, JUST you and me, because HE'S already had his day, so there it is!"
"Uh . . . right," I whispered, running me hand through me hair in frustration. I be sure it was standing on end, I do that unconsciously and well, I've scared meself walking by mirrors. It be an alarming thing to see, but at that moment I wasn't thinking, I was just doing it.
Tonya puffed out her cheeks like a chipmunk as she rattled pots and pans, preparing dinner. I knew she was pissed, and right she should be. I thought to sneak down to our bedroom and put the phone on her side of the bed so the next time . . . oh my God, I hope there is no next time, but no, it's by me side, so if it's work I can answer it. I sighed; I was in trouble and didn't know how to escape it. I loosened me tie and watched me wife's tensed and hunched-up shoulders, a sure sign of anger, and I tried to carry on a pleasant conversation with a topic far away from that of Weasil, but it didn't work. She told me to call the kids to dinner, and we'd talk about Valentine's Day later.
Of course, as the kidlets came trouping in, Guido pointed and laughed at me, and the other one said, "Ha ha ha, look at Da's hair he looks funni, hee hee hee."
Thanks, kid, make things worse. Oi!
"Well, you see, O'Hare, when your father has done something BAD, he looks like that. So easy to tell when he's been naughty." Tonya said, slinging the food around the table.
"Put em' in da naughty corner!" The child shouted, banging the end of his fork on the table for emphasis.
I tell ya, I get no respect. NONE, even from me own flesh and blood. A man can't even eat in peace, and several times when I've cut meself doing gardening work for Tonya, O'Hare likes to sit on the hamper in the water closet and watch me try to bandage meself up. He makes all manner of fun, and truly, I think he belongs to Weasil's clan, not mine. I can't even bleed in peace. I don't have him yaking at how funny he thinks I be. SIGH. So this was no help; he only heaped more fuel on the Tonya fire, but I was about to send it blazing.
"Uh, Ton?" I said ignoring the wee squirt banging the fork. "I should tell ya dat Patrick be joinin' us. I taught it a nice gesture to invite him here with us."
"I'm sorry, Gabe, I didn't hear you. I thought you said Patrick was joining us, but what did you say?"
Uh oh.
"No, ye heard me right. I invited him and Ms. Jaio from me office. Me intern? I be tryin' to spark a wee bit of romance for the poor laddie. It being Valentine's Day and all, and Ms. Jaio, well Ton she needs to get out more and I taught . . . "
She chewed her food slowly, contemplating me, her elbow on the table, flipping her fork around like an agitated rattlesnake shaking its tail. Oh, I had done it I had.
"Isn't it remarkable how you get so Irish when you know you are in trouble? Your speech has got the brogue going."
I shrugged, and the boyos both feigned me accent and words. I was not pleased with them and told them to behave, which reduced them to giggles.
"Doesn't HE have a family?"
"Who? Patrick ye mean? No, they be in Ireland they be." I said.
"And YOU are going to start him out on ours, I see. Like a brother who needs a date, and YOU are in the dating business AGAIN!" She said.
"Dis be the only fumily I have here meself," I gestured round the table. "I be just tryin' to help a fellow Irishman who be all alone in the new world."
"New world," she gave that a dirty laugh. "Then take him to a bar and start him out in moderation, or tell him to drink more and find a woman on his OWN!" She said, filled up with anger. "I don't get why suddenly you have taken this Patrick under your wing. He's abrasive, and I don't like him!"
"Wow, Tonya," I said, feigning being put out and gesturing to little ears that were very quiet, taking this all in with sneers on their wee faces each time they looked at me. "Well, I misspoke I did when I said HERE. I have reservations for all of us in Boston."
"You do, do you?" She sneered, too.
"Now Tonya, I taught with the Weasil's descending the more the merrier, you know take most of the pressure of a Weasil evening off us and well spread the joy."
She sighed. She knew that Patrick and Ms. Jaio's presence would do that, but she wasn't happy about any of it.
Yes, I screwed up; I had somehow smoothed over in me brain the memory of Tonya's luncheon with Patrick that was more abrasive than a pumice stone. How I could have forgotten THAT, I do not know, but I was desperate, and when in that state of Weasil overdrive I become forgetful.
As it happened, I made promises that will cost me a small fortune. But if it brings peace and harmony back to me abode, then it be worth it. However, the more I think about it, the more I realise that Weasil visits always cost me a small fortune. I think I should send him a bill.
I be going out to look for a Pandera or Pandora something like that bracelet. Yes, that's the price, something that will cost me a small fortune to appease the wife. I be so screwed and the DAY isn't even here yet. And you're laughing isn't helping much. SIGH.
Gabe
Copyright © 2012 All rights reserved
4 comments:
I sympathise with your poor wife. Yet, I am disapprovingly fascinated. I do hope all goes well and dinner is the joie dejour! Wishing you luck and at the very least "stay calm and carry on."
Sounds like Pandora's box has been open. Good luck with that, LOL.
Yup that too! Ton's all set to BUY. I will be too broke for dinner THATS the plan, I just know it!
OMG you're a dead man. but your hair standing on end was hilarious. have fun shopping for the bracelet should cost you a small fortune if not a big one. LMAO
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