03 February 2012
495
R. Linda:
Winter is sort of here. It comes and it goes. One day it's 50 degrees the next it is 20. Snowfall has been scattered and when it does snow, it's a dusting to a couple of inches. It hasn't lasted as it usually does because it gets warm and melts. I wondered if the weather corresponded with local news. I am here to tell you I see no correlation between the usual events of a small New England town than normal. Let me tell you what went on yesterday.
Just the other night a woman on the other side of town, was hearing noises and could not locate the source of those disturbing sounds. No R. Linda, she couldn't. She was out in the muddy yard (yes, we had one of those 50-degree weather days) and she sloshed about for an hour and a half shining her torch here and there! Finally, because the noise so made her think something was hurt and needed tending to, she called . . . our boys in blue! Yes, she did, having no idea what was in her yard, and unable to locate the source of the sound, she had no recourse but to give our settled-back constabulary something to do around midnight!
Well, they of course trudged out to the car, got in and drove on over. They couldn't locate anything either and oddly enough, the sound had stopped when they got there. They advised our confused homeowner to call the Fish and Game people if she should hear "the sound" again, BUT they also told her she might need to call an exterminator.
Think about that last? I laughed thinking that must have had the woman sleepless for the rest of the night! That will teach her to call the settled in for a night of nothing much to do police force in the sleepy little town of ours. Yup. But I need not laugh at the misfortunes of others any longer because the fates visited me too!
Yes, there's more and it's just as crazy. I was fast asleep on the same night, but in the wee hours, I was awakened by a sound too! It wasn't a moaning sound like the woman heard on the other side of town, it was not the sound of early birdsong, or those annoying crows in the cornfield yonder, no, no, R. Linda, it was two sounds. One was a bell, clinking like a cowbell, and the other was a noise that sounded like "Moo" over and over, but at intervals. I thought I was hearing some kind of new bird, you know like in Australia the Bellbirds? They make a sound like a bell and if you are in a field of them, you think you are hearing bells? So for me, it was tinkle-clang-moo, tinkle-clang-moo, some kind of bird I told me sleepy brain. Well, that's about the size of it, I turned over and gave it no more mind.
Until later when I got meself up and started out the door and the distinct smell of cow manure hit me. Not the smell one wants to inhale right after breakfast. I checked my shoes and then I thought what a dolt I was, I hadn't been near cows. So into me motor I got and down me neighbour's long driveway, and a left onto the road, and as I was halfway down, there were flashing lights. Whoa, what is this? I asked meself. There was me old neighbour and three minions of the law all on walkie-talkies chasing cows. It seemed me old neighbour's Houdini cow Priscilla opened the gate and led her cow friends on down past my house, down the driveway and then off on down the road until someone on their way to work couldn't get passed the bovine assembly. Thus, an early morning phone call to the boys in blue who were just getting settled in again after being on the other side of town investigating "a noise". I tell ya there be no rest for the weary! So I got out of me motor, and in me good suit helped get the cows back behind their fence. Yes, I was a good Do-Bee, but I had been so used to (by that time) the smell of cow, that I didn't realise I was wearing it too.
When I got to me work and stepped foot in the elevator, everyone looked around. They looked like they smelled something rotten and so I looked around too! No one said anything, just looked at each other, some holding nostrils pinched shut. Well, some of us got off and as I reached the newsroom and walked by some of my colleagues their heads would snap up and they'd look at the bottom of their shoes and then around the room.
I came to my cubicle and luckily Ms. Maureen wasn't in BUT Ms. Jaio was!
"U stin-kee poo!" She threw at me with a look of repugnance on her face.
"Wot?" I managed.
"U snell leak cow."
"I do?" I realised then what was going on. What to do? But too late, Cruella came over with a file. She was about to drop it on my desk when she stopped in her tracks and sniffed the air.
"Do I smell a . . . no, can't be. Yes, it is, I smell a cow!" She said looking at me.
I explained what happened to her disbelieving expression. I was ordered home. I had spent a two-hour drive in bumper-to-bumper morning traffic and now she wanted me to go home, shower, change and drive back! I opted not to but I didn't tell Cruella. Instead, I gave me shirt, trousers, socks and shoe sizes along with me credit card to Ms. Jaio and told her to get me those things and meet me in the gym downstairs.
I thought it would take just as long to do all that as to drive back home and then drive back to Boston. Well, Jaio was none too happy with this assignment, but I told her it's that or she spends the day with me smelling like a cow. She reluctantly acquiesced and handed me back me credit card.
"I get close fee, cousin sam cez u."
I was not thinking about what she said, but took the card, thanked her and got in, thankfully, an empty elevator. It was then it struck me, how was it possible she had a cousin the same size as me? I'd seen a few of her relatives come to visit her and they were all under 5 feet tall. I gave it no more mind as the door opened and I whisked meself to the gym. I bagged me clothing and jumped into a shower. I had told Joey the guy at the front desk, to expect Ms. Jaio with a bundle for me. Well, it was done and the bundle was brought back to me.
Ah, yes, it was.
She bought me a bright silk red shirt with a Chinese dragon embroidered on the back. And it was short-sleeved, I NEVER wear short-sleeved shirts AND it was too short, my belly button was showing along with my muffin top! The trousers were black cuffed waiter-like pants that were at least two inches too short, AND . . . wait for it -- the socks were WHITE! The shoes were (and you'll like this) black crocs, five sizes too small. Yup, and she even had put a sunflower thingee in one of the shoe holes to complete the look. I wanted to get me hands on her I did. I looked like a waiter from a Chinese restaurant.
When I walked out EVERYONE looked at me and they snickered. Yes, they did! When I saw her I swear there was a look of triumph in the eyes behind the thick glasses, but it was there and then gone.
I complained to her I did and she said, "At les u dun swell leak cow." Uh-huh.
So dressed like this, I walked back into me office to roars of laughter and finger-pointing, and well, it just wasn't pretty. When Cruella saw me she beckoned with her finger for me to come into her office. As I entered she told me to close the door. I knew what was coming and it did. Did I have no regard for my job? Was I brain-dead and worse, trying to blind the office with the colour of me shirt? What did I not understand about DRIVE HOME AND CLEAN THE COW OFF? Did I think I worked at the Jade Dragon, or was that wishful thinking on my part, because she could make it happen.
I made to turn me body slightly to catch Ms. Jaio's back shaking with mirth. She had thrust her upper body under her desk but her back motion gave her away. Now I have it in for Ms. Jaio. Meanwhile, I didn't throw her under the bus, but I did say someone told me they'd get me some clothes so I wouldn't have to waste any more company time. I thought that sounded good and reasonable.
"Let me guess who? Ms. Jaio? Her family run a restaurant or a laundry?" Cruella said watching the subject pop up from her desk as though she heard her name mentioned. She scooped up a batch of files and headed in the opposite direction. She couldn't get out of the newsroom quick enough.
I sighed and sat back as if defeated. It worked, but instead of sending me out to buy meself some decent work clothing, I was to wear my waiter outfit for the rest of the day. Which, considering I had two interviews, the first one mistook me for a lost Chinese food take-out delivery boy and the other, while politely not saying a word, couldn't help but notice the get-up. At the end of the interview, she asked me if I was on a Chinese Dragon bowling team. I tell ya, it was quite the day yesterday. One, I WON'T easily forget and have yet to live down.
Gabe
Copyright © 2012 All rights reserved
R. Linda:
Winter is sort of here. It comes and it goes. One day it's 50 degrees the next it is 20. Snowfall has been scattered and when it does snow, it's a dusting to a couple of inches. It hasn't lasted as it usually does because it gets warm and melts. I wondered if the weather corresponded with local news. I am here to tell you I see no correlation between the usual events of a small New England town than normal. Let me tell you what went on yesterday.
Just the other night a woman on the other side of town, was hearing noises and could not locate the source of those disturbing sounds. No R. Linda, she couldn't. She was out in the muddy yard (yes, we had one of those 50-degree weather days) and she sloshed about for an hour and a half shining her torch here and there! Finally, because the noise so made her think something was hurt and needed tending to, she called . . . our boys in blue! Yes, she did, having no idea what was in her yard, and unable to locate the source of the sound, she had no recourse but to give our settled-back constabulary something to do around midnight!
Well, they of course trudged out to the car, got in and drove on over. They couldn't locate anything either and oddly enough, the sound had stopped when they got there. They advised our confused homeowner to call the Fish and Game people if she should hear "the sound" again, BUT they also told her she might need to call an exterminator.
Think about that last? I laughed thinking that must have had the woman sleepless for the rest of the night! That will teach her to call the settled in for a night of nothing much to do police force in the sleepy little town of ours. Yup. But I need not laugh at the misfortunes of others any longer because the fates visited me too!
Yes, there's more and it's just as crazy. I was fast asleep on the same night, but in the wee hours, I was awakened by a sound too! It wasn't a moaning sound like the woman heard on the other side of town, it was not the sound of early birdsong, or those annoying crows in the cornfield yonder, no, no, R. Linda, it was two sounds. One was a bell, clinking like a cowbell, and the other was a noise that sounded like "Moo" over and over, but at intervals. I thought I was hearing some kind of new bird, you know like in Australia the Bellbirds? They make a sound like a bell and if you are in a field of them, you think you are hearing bells? So for me, it was tinkle-clang-moo, tinkle-clang-moo, some kind of bird I told me sleepy brain. Well, that's about the size of it, I turned over and gave it no more mind.
Until later when I got meself up and started out the door and the distinct smell of cow manure hit me. Not the smell one wants to inhale right after breakfast. I checked my shoes and then I thought what a dolt I was, I hadn't been near cows. So into me motor I got and down me neighbour's long driveway, and a left onto the road, and as I was halfway down, there were flashing lights. Whoa, what is this? I asked meself. There was me old neighbour and three minions of the law all on walkie-talkies chasing cows. It seemed me old neighbour's Houdini cow Priscilla opened the gate and led her cow friends on down past my house, down the driveway and then off on down the road until someone on their way to work couldn't get passed the bovine assembly. Thus, an early morning phone call to the boys in blue who were just getting settled in again after being on the other side of town investigating "a noise". I tell ya there be no rest for the weary! So I got out of me motor, and in me good suit helped get the cows back behind their fence. Yes, I was a good Do-Bee, but I had been so used to (by that time) the smell of cow, that I didn't realise I was wearing it too.
When I got to me work and stepped foot in the elevator, everyone looked around. They looked like they smelled something rotten and so I looked around too! No one said anything, just looked at each other, some holding nostrils pinched shut. Well, some of us got off and as I reached the newsroom and walked by some of my colleagues their heads would snap up and they'd look at the bottom of their shoes and then around the room.
I came to my cubicle and luckily Ms. Maureen wasn't in BUT Ms. Jaio was!
"U stin-kee poo!" She threw at me with a look of repugnance on her face.
"Wot?" I managed.
"U snell leak cow."
"I do?" I realised then what was going on. What to do? But too late, Cruella came over with a file. She was about to drop it on my desk when she stopped in her tracks and sniffed the air.
"Do I smell a . . . no, can't be. Yes, it is, I smell a cow!" She said looking at me.
I explained what happened to her disbelieving expression. I was ordered home. I had spent a two-hour drive in bumper-to-bumper morning traffic and now she wanted me to go home, shower, change and drive back! I opted not to but I didn't tell Cruella. Instead, I gave me shirt, trousers, socks and shoe sizes along with me credit card to Ms. Jaio and told her to get me those things and meet me in the gym downstairs.
I thought it would take just as long to do all that as to drive back home and then drive back to Boston. Well, Jaio was none too happy with this assignment, but I told her it's that or she spends the day with me smelling like a cow. She reluctantly acquiesced and handed me back me credit card.
"I get close fee, cousin sam cez u."
I was not thinking about what she said, but took the card, thanked her and got in, thankfully, an empty elevator. It was then it struck me, how was it possible she had a cousin the same size as me? I'd seen a few of her relatives come to visit her and they were all under 5 feet tall. I gave it no more mind as the door opened and I whisked meself to the gym. I bagged me clothing and jumped into a shower. I had told Joey the guy at the front desk, to expect Ms. Jaio with a bundle for me. Well, it was done and the bundle was brought back to me.
Ah, yes, it was.
She bought me a bright silk red shirt with a Chinese dragon embroidered on the back. And it was short-sleeved, I NEVER wear short-sleeved shirts AND it was too short, my belly button was showing along with my muffin top! The trousers were black cuffed waiter-like pants that were at least two inches too short, AND . . . wait for it -- the socks were WHITE! The shoes were (and you'll like this) black crocs, five sizes too small. Yup, and she even had put a sunflower thingee in one of the shoe holes to complete the look. I wanted to get me hands on her I did. I looked like a waiter from a Chinese restaurant.
When I walked out EVERYONE looked at me and they snickered. Yes, they did! When I saw her I swear there was a look of triumph in the eyes behind the thick glasses, but it was there and then gone.
I complained to her I did and she said, "At les u dun swell leak cow." Uh-huh.
So dressed like this, I walked back into me office to roars of laughter and finger-pointing, and well, it just wasn't pretty. When Cruella saw me she beckoned with her finger for me to come into her office. As I entered she told me to close the door. I knew what was coming and it did. Did I have no regard for my job? Was I brain-dead and worse, trying to blind the office with the colour of me shirt? What did I not understand about DRIVE HOME AND CLEAN THE COW OFF? Did I think I worked at the Jade Dragon, or was that wishful thinking on my part, because she could make it happen.
I made to turn me body slightly to catch Ms. Jaio's back shaking with mirth. She had thrust her upper body under her desk but her back motion gave her away. Now I have it in for Ms. Jaio. Meanwhile, I didn't throw her under the bus, but I did say someone told me they'd get me some clothes so I wouldn't have to waste any more company time. I thought that sounded good and reasonable.
"Let me guess who? Ms. Jaio? Her family run a restaurant or a laundry?" Cruella said watching the subject pop up from her desk as though she heard her name mentioned. She scooped up a batch of files and headed in the opposite direction. She couldn't get out of the newsroom quick enough.
I sighed and sat back as if defeated. It worked, but instead of sending me out to buy meself some decent work clothing, I was to wear my waiter outfit for the rest of the day. Which, considering I had two interviews, the first one mistook me for a lost Chinese food take-out delivery boy and the other, while politely not saying a word, couldn't help but notice the get-up. At the end of the interview, she asked me if I was on a Chinese Dragon bowling team. I tell ya, it was quite the day yesterday. One, I WON'T easily forget and have yet to live down.
Gabe
Copyright © 2012 All rights reserved
4 comments:
you are a nutter! LMAO I can picture you dressed like that.
THIS made me giggle.
OHHH ROFLMAO!!!!
ROFLMAO Really Mate? LOLOLOLOLOLOL
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