iPhone 4S - Jeeves, Are You There? Siri? Anyone?

31 January 2012

Story #494

R. Linda:

I tell ya, I can't get any respect I can't. I have had a Smart Phone, an Android (an interesting little tool that hooked me up from me computer to me phone nicely), BUT the battery would run down after an hour after having it for three months. So I was complaining to Capt Jaack, of all people, about this, and he informed me I needed to replace the battery. The battery wasn't the problem, according to the Verizon man behind the counter; I had too many apps going, forcing the phone to work harder even when shut off. So I wrote the Capt, told him what happened, and asked him what kind of phone he had and if he would recommend I change me Smart Phone for something else.

The Capt told me this in so many words: "Gabe, I have an iPhone 4S. It is the one that talks to you. The battery holds the charge well, mate, but it's that Siri; you must be cautious of HER if you decide to trade the Droid in for an iPhone 4S. Maybe you should get the old iPhone, so you don't have to put up with the backtalk."

Now, I was intrigued: Backtalk? Siri? What was going on? So, I asked the captain the question.

"Mate, let me tell you, Siri is a bitch. She won't tell me anything and says unkind things to me. She cuts me every chance she gets and, worse, points out in so many words she thinks I'm a stupid man. She's the voice of the phone matey; you can ask her where something is or what's the best place to buy a case of rum, and she'll tell you. But she tells me with a snotty attitude that I am a waste of her time."

Truly? A phone with an attitude? So what did you do about this? Complain to the phone company? I wanted to know. I couldn't (from the Capt's correspondence to me) imagine HIM putting up with this for long.

"Well, Mate, I fixed her. I did. I thought to myself what our mutual friend Wolfie would do. So I asked him (well, not directly -- in my head, I did), AND he said, switch her arse off and get the British guy. Well, I found Jeeves and activated HIM instead. Only he's as bad as Siri; he has this uppity tone to his voice, like I am taking him away from something he enjoys doing for "stupid commands."

"Wait," I said, "tell me first about Siri and give me an example of why you replaced her."

"Mate, the first time I talked to her, I said, "Get me the VZ Contact Transfer Ap," and she said, "There is no DZ Transfer Ap.," so I said, "I did NOT say DZ. I said VZ!" And she said, "I cannot find a DZ Ap." I tried this maybe five times; with my last, I said, "V like in Victor, Z like in Zebra," and she, in a very snide tone, said, "I cannot get you a ZEBRA!" I threw down the phone, switched on my computer, and did it myself! The last time, I said, "Siri?" and nothing. "Siri? Siri? Siri, where are you?" finally, she answered, "Nowhere." Really? Nowhere? So I asked her again, "Siri, where are you?" and she said, "I am where you are!" Like I was stupid or something. That was the last straw, Gabe. I couldn't take it anymore; whenever I asked her something, she had some zinger for me. I wondered what to do when I thought of Wolfie and his Blackberry. He once lobbed that thing into the sofa because of connection problems and said he hated phones. I thought I'd like to lob Siri off the end of a plank into the deep dark sea, only I paid too much money for the damn phone! Then it came to me: what would Wolfie do? Do you know how we give each other the WWWD? Yeah, well, alas, matey, I sat there and envisioned the Wolf, and it came to me to chuck Siri's arse overboard and pull in the British guy. I went to me Siri file and removed her so fast that I think her head was still spinning, and I pulled out Jeeves.

"So, how is that working for you?"

"Oh my God, mate, it isn't. He's as bad as that mouthy woman! I told him, "Jeeves, my good man, get me directions to Portland." AND HE SAID, "I do not understand you." I was beside myself. I tried it with a British accent, which helped, but he said he only understood part of what I asked. I thought, OK, try something else, so I said, I need to call me first mate, and he said, "I'm sorry to inform you, BUT I am swamped right now and cannot fulfil your request. Please give me a "tingle" later." I'd like to give him a tingle! I said, "What the heck are you doing? Don't you have the time for me?" And he said, "Sorry, I'd like to answer you, but I am swamped. Try again later." I was livid, "YOU JEEVES work for me! What are you doing? You are so freaking busy?" And he said, "I can't tell you that at the moment." Arrrrghhh!!!"

"So what are you doing for a phone? I take it you don't use the automated voice service?"

"No, mate, I do use it. Anytime I get miffed or have a bad day, I'll call up Jeeves and give him a piece of my mind."

And what happens?

"Well, he either clams up like Siri and shuts himself off, or, and this gets to me, he laughs!"

"He what? He laughs at you?"

"Yeah, mate, he does; he says nothing or either laughs or shuts himself off where he can't hear me."

My concern is not for the captain's iPhone but for the captain's state of mind. Something isn't right on the captain's ship, and I think it's the captain. But don't tell him I said that.

I'll stick with me Smart Phone and leave the talking voices to the Capt (who I think hears voices when they aren't there anyway). ;-)~

Gabe
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