Whale-less Watch

07 November 2011

468

R. Linda:

Well, there I was at my desk finishing up an analysis on Romney vs. the rest of the GOP candidates, when Cruella waltzed in. She had the week off and well, I found this rather odd she'd show up at the office coming straight for me cubicle.

She pulled up a chair and held up two tickets. I raised me eyebrows at her in confusion.

"I missed a whale watch trip Saturday because the person I was supposed to go with did not want to go out in the ocean and battle nine-foot waves. Sooo, I cancelled and got tickets for today, but my friend is sick. That leaves the only other person in Boston I know. YOU."

"Me?" I even pointed at meself fool that I be.

"Yes, you. So gather up your things you're going whale watching." She got up and signalled to me to do the same, as I was sitting there in disbelief.

"You're serious?"

"I am. Come on we have a half hour we need to go."

"But . . . but . . . what about my work?" I said looking at the papers spread out on the desk.

"It can wait. That's the assignment I gave you right? Well, I say it can be done tomorrow. Let's go."

What was there to do, but throw the papers on me desk, put me coat on and follow her out. Whale watching? I was thinking to myself, I never have gone whale watching, nor would it be something I would think to do. But OK. A day out was welcomed and it was a beautiful day it was, so why not?

"How long a trip be this whale watching?" I asked.

"Three hours sometimes more, but you have nothing pressing so not to worry. We leave at noon and we should be back around 3." She informed me.

"Why whale watching?" I asked.

"I am a landlocked child of the suburbs, to be living near the Atlantic Ocean is a big deal. I want to see these gigantic creatures and I thought why not?"

"Why not indeed?" I said like an arse.

So I drove us to Long Wharf and put me motor in a parking garage just a short block away. We got to the wharf and were just in time to board the boat, but first, a man with a camera told us to hold still he must take our picture for the tour.

"Is he taking our picture in case the boat sinks and they need to i.d. us?" I said full of concern to Cruella and looking behind her to make sure the ship's name wasn't the Titanic.

"No, that's in case you want a memento of your trip."

Oh great, I should get one and give it to Tonya. I'm sure she'd be really pleased. Anyway, we got on board, it being Monday there weren't many people, so basically we had the ship almost to ourselves. Cruella asked me if I got motion sickness because we may have big waves like they did on Saturday, and I said I did not know how being on a large boat would effect me. So she gave me two Dramamines and then a few other people heard her ask and mention the large swells and they came over and she gave them Dramamines, so I thought everyone on the boat except the crew had taken Dramamine.

Well, that stuff works it does. We were rocking at the dock and at first I was getting a little nauseous and she told me to focus on a far horizon, which I did and okay I be better. She gave me her camera and asked me to go outside and test it for her, she had a new lens. She was going to the "powder room" so if I would do that . . . So I did, and I came back and she was sitting there so I aimed the camera at her and she said, "No, no pictures of me, I look like I have liver disease, see these rings around my eyes?"

"Liver disease? Only you would come up with THAT." I said handing her camera back. I didn't get to quip more about the liver disease remark because suddenly the engines fired up and the boat started to move sideways from the dock. We carefully turned, once out from the wharf and slowly made our way out into the bay. Suddenly, once clear of the outer islands, we took off like a bat out of hell. I mean I thought for a moment I was on Codzilla, a long open boat ride that you get on for thrills. They zoom all over the harbour at dizzying speeds, everyone getting wet from the constant spray, probably something Weasil had a part in creating. This should give you an idea of the thrill ride that I cannot see myself on. I be suspicious that be Weaz at the helm.

Yeah, can you see me on THIS?

Anyway, we kept up a steady and good speed out of the bay and into the ocean. The tour guide did point out a harbour seal frolicking alongside us but after that, there was nothing but this:

                                                                                          

Lots and lots of THIS

So this view we had for hours upon hours. The sea wasn't rough until we got into white caps off Provincetown. YES, WE ENDED UP AT FREAKING PROVINCETOWN. We went to three places the whales were "supposed" to be and not one whale did we see. The tour guide got us all excited about the eight kinds of whales that inhabit the waters we were traversing. She told us to look at the horizon for spouts and such and we did. All eyes were glued to the windows or some of us were standing outside in the freezing wind and spray, cameras held close to our chest in anticipation, and at one point it was said by someone who'd done this before, that we were close to where the whales were and any moment . . .

Well, at one point the sea heaved and with it, my grapefruit drink and me hands were dripping with sticky juice. I decided to go to the loo to clean up. As I got up the ship rolled on the waves and I almost fell into Cruella's lap. Pulling meself forward I managed to get to the concession stand where there was no one but one crew member who passed me holding on to nothing. He had his sea legs, but me? I was like an octopus holding onto both walls or anything I could to keep upright. I made it to the loo and as I opened the door to the confined space the ship rolled and I went barreling in, the door slamming shut behind me. I found me face pressed against the back wall over the toilet. I had to thrust with my upper body and step backwards all at the same time to move away from the back wall. This I tried several times and upon the sixth try I did manage to step back but the ship went up again and I found meself wedged between the sink and the toilet roll dispenser. I had to wiggle my way out of that and turn around to face the sink which was a mess from others who probably had the same loo experience as me.

I got the water going, and the juice off my hands as I stood wide stance balancing against the swells. I tell ya I almost lost it when I found the paper towels were stuck up in the dispenser and I had to try to wedge me hands underneath to start a roll. Somehow I managed it and upon opening the door to go out, another swell came and I was rocketed out of the loo like a cannonball. I grabbed onto the back of a bolted-down chair and thanked me lucky stars there was no one to witness this display of landlubberitis. I realised with some dismay I had to now make me way back to the booth I left Cruella in. So catapulting meself forward into the hall between the back where the loos were and the concession stand was found, I had the sudden awful realisation that the walls were too wide for me to place a hand on each for balance, so I was shoved to the right by the waves and like Spiderman made me way to the concession where I did a hand over hand on the railing to the section where Cruella was passed out, head on the tabletop snoozing. I sat down and realised EVERYONE was asleep except the crew who were on the other side of the boat laughing and talking about the many emails they received complaining about last Saturday's cruise amongst nine-foot swells. I was experiencing two-foot swells, I can't imagine what nine-foot swells would be like. I was somewhat glad Cruella did not witness me non-sea-legged lurching because I'd probably not hear the end of it.

She was disappointed though when finally she was roused by the loudspeaker telling us that the jutting bit of land on our left, or was our right? (I dunno, I'd never make a sailor my sense of direction is non-existent on the water.) was Cape Cod. Cruella informed me that she wished the captain would pull into Provincetown so she could do a little shopping since she wasted her afternoon not seeing whales. Well, my afternoon was wasted as well and misery likes company so we both sat there, her complaining about not being able to shop and me complaining that the only thing I got for me trouble was a sore arse from sitting on the hard seat of the booth we were sharing. When I complained about this she told me to go to the back of the boat to the observation deck and walk about. The sea had calmed and my arse was really sore, so I did. And for me trouble I got drenched as soon as I opened the door by THIS:

Dripping wet, and now cold, I shivered my way back to the booth and was made to sit across the aisle from Cruella because she didn't want me dripping on her. Sigh. I will say the odd thing about sailing is the feeling of air turbulence that occurs when the ship goes up on the waves and then crashes down into the sea. Your stomach goes up and as you come down it finally falls and thus feels like an airplane ride. It was 3:30 beyond the time we should have arrived back, and finally, we turned around. We were told we would arrive in the harbour in thirty minutes as the boat had taken a south easterly course and now was turning northwesterly and because we were coming up the coast the trip would be shorter. 

"Well, why the hell don't we just keep going south to Cape Hatteras? The whales are down there this time of year. I bet they all left yesterday." Cruella mumbled fuming.

I was rather overjoyed we were turning back because I'd had enough. I sat there drying out and fighting an overwhelming urge to sleep.

So as we started the journey back, we were all quietly disappointed, listening to the drone of the engines, staring at the boring horizon until the only thing one could hear was the engines and the snoring. The Dramamine had kicked in and we all had a nap! We all paid (except for meself) $35 to take a snoozefest. Yes, indeed compliments of the makers of Dramamine!

When we got off the boat there was a board plastered with pictures at the end of the gangplank. I saw our happy faces before Cruella did and thought, we had high hopes then. I didn't want the photo, after all, what would be the point? And $20 bucks for four pictures? I don't think so. Cruella sneered, "I should buy THAT. I would plaster it in your office so you will remember a day of free sleep and no whales." 

The best part of the day (for me at least), was getting off that damn boat and lurching with wobbly legs over to Legal Seafood (her treat for a fiasco of a day) to wake the hell up from Dramamine zombie land! We started with South African wine and oysters on the half-shell. Then we had crab cakes, oh yes we did. She, in particular, is highly allergic to crab, but after her day, what the hell why not tempt fate completely; she was going to eat crab if it made her sick or not. That would be all I'd need would be for her to barf it up on me. By the end of dinner, it was so far so good, stomach holding crab down. We finished off the meal with bonbons. Cruella was like who serves bonbons? So 1950s. Well, she'd know! We had them, I ate them thinking this was a woman's dessert but after all that wine I had consumed, I did not care how girly I looked munching down bonbons. At Cruella's request, she had the waiter make us a pot of the strongest coffee the place could brew and we wolfed down the pot between us. Thus wired, we got up to leave. She, for a cab and me for the parking garage. Imagine my surprise that my 11:30 to 5:45 parking cost me $35 the same as a ticket to Whale-less Watching! 

On the way home it all played back in my mind. I could hear Cruella over dinner saying, "Yes sir Gabriel, THAT was a real snoozefest. NO whales, notta one, but did you hear that other captain tell us after we came back in that the whales were all around us? Who knew? Certainly not OUR captain and crew nor any of the whale watchers. Think about this, we travelled from Boston Harbour to Provincetown on Cape Cod. Quite the afternoon, by 2:30 all the passengers were asleep from Dramamine and boredom! All you could hear were those infernal ship engines whirring away and all that snoring! What a bust, BUT GOOD NEWS GABE, we have rain check tickets so we can do it all over AGAIN! Lucky, lucky us."

UH OH, I had thought and I blurted it out, "You do know I have no Irish luck. It be Murphy's Law for me or nothing at all. So to take me back out there . . . (I pointed to the harbour), would probably yield the same results."

"SO it was YOUR fault." She said looking at me, gulping down her tenth glass of vino, then she flashed a picture at me and started laughing. "You have to do it again. U HAVE 2," She was being evil, totally evil. 

"Where'd you get that?" I asked totally taken by surprise she had THE tour pictures.

"When I said I had to go to the powder room, I went across the street and decided I needed to remind myself what a good Joe you are especially when YOU and Ms. Jaio get to reading things under the table. SO these stay quietly in my desk drawer and you go with me AGAIN to hopefully see whales and these pictures never see the light of . . . the office!"

"Under one condition," I said, "that YOU get us Captain Ahab because HE knows where the whales are."

"Oh, that wasn't Captain Ahab today?" She asked, obviously the coffee didn't work, but the wine sure was. She'd take a sip of the coffee and then slug down the wine like a chaser. So much for sobering up. "We had Captain Wallace didn't we?" She asked.

"You do know Wallace translated from old English means Whaleless."

"Oh, and his ship was the Norma Jean?"

"No, it was the Nora something, and we don't want to be on that. We need to find the good ship Pequod."

"I'll put Jaio on it tomorrow." She said as we got up to leave. "Thank you, Gabe, you were a good sport." She said weaving like she had been on that boat the entire dinner. I helped her to her cab, her insistence that it was getting late and she didn't want to make Tonya mad by me being late by driving her out of my way to her abode.

As the cab pulled away, I stood there a moment watching it go. Whale watching, really? Again? I have until spring to think of a way out of it and how to get me hands on those photos. I should put Ms. Jaio on THAT, never mind Cruella's having me Chinese Intern turn against me. Well, that sounds very stupid, doesn't it? Jaio be hardly me best bud, but maybe SHE'd like to go whale-less watching with her boss. I can see it now, Jaio hurriedly scrawling on her notebook at Cruella, "Wai U Shao Ting?" Yes, I can see Cruella yelling at Jaio over another whale-less boat ride. Now there's a possible solution. I have to glam this experience up and sell it to Ms. Jaio. There ya go, problem solved.

Gabe
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