05 November 2011
Story #466
R. Linda:
So there I was at the Dunkin Donut queue, waiting me turn when the guy in front of me ordered:
"Give me a cheesy egg sandwich on a bagel and hold the cheese, AND an iced coffee, no ice."
Yup. I thought it was Weasil in front of me. Then it was my turn, and I ordered an egg sannie with small coffee cream only. As I pull up in line, I hear this from two cars in front of me.
"You gave me the cup without the coffee."
Yes, indeed, honest mistake, as Captain Jack Sparrow would say. Anyway, I sat there wondering what the day would be like if this was how it started.
Sitting there, I had time for a short daydream or two, or more like memories of me parental unit's recent visit. We had snow that night, now referred to in these parts as Snowtober. The power had gone out, and I had cranked up the generator. There was no cable, so it was decided we'd watch Inception on DVD for want of something to do. Well, me Da, true to form, was somewhat confused by the concept of the film and would occasionally respond to Leonard DiCaprio's character (after giving some involved dialogue on what Inception was) by shouting out, "Malarkey Leo!" Yup, and Mam, would tell him to hush, which didn't stop him. Until he grew either too bored or too confused and began to drift off to sawing logs. However, DiCaprio's flick got back at Dad because each time it seemed Da would let out a long, loud snore, some action would happen in the film, and the vibration of the sound would throw Da into semi-consciousness. He'd almost jump out of his chair and look around, and once he even said, "What happened? A tree fell on the house, did it?" Oi. Somehow, we got through the movie even with the jumping up with the crash of the music, but this action of Da's did take the focus off the flick by Mam, who then would nudge me and say, "What is happening? Where did the little Juno girl go?" Juno is a flick Mam happened to like, with the lead actress in Inception (Ellen Page) playing the absentminded teenager, and was memorable to Mam because she reminded her of me sainted sissy who displayed an inordinate amount of absentmindedness as a teenager herself.
Between the questions caused by me Da's behaviour and because she just had to run to the window every five minutes to see "wot the snow be doin'," I was filling in me Mam on the flick the best I could, which was irritating the wife who was deeply engrossed in it and would like nothing better than for us to shut our pieholes. Finally, when all was said and done, the boyos were put to bed (they slept through the flick, I don't know how, but they did), and the four of us went into the kitchen. Tonya flipped on the porch light so we could see the snow. Mam got the kettle going, I got the freshly baked scones made earlier in the day, and Da sat and waited to be served. Sigh.
The conversation went something like this:
Mam: Yer cousin Diarmuid morried a woman who shaved her eyebrows and then pencils them on like a clown.
(Diarmuid pronounced Deer mid and in American is bastardised to Dermot)
Da: Aye, an he did. Dolts took off 'an eloped like as if his fumily would disapprove of er' but they dint care so long as he be happy wid her. They coulda just goon down ta the magistrate's, but nah, he took 'er way down to Roscommon when dey coulda doon it in Newry stead a cross da border.
Mam: Tsk.
Me: Wait a minute, can we return to the shaved eyebrows and clown thing?
Mam: Och! But she looks like she's from the circus she does. And HIM with one blue eye and one green, well ye know he wasn't all there ta begin wit.
Tonya (under her breath): Well, it sounds like a perfect match to me.
Me: Okay, I get that; where did he meet this circus performer?
Mam: Oh, I dunt knoo she's a circus performer fer real like. She just louks like one. I think she had her lips tattooed bright red.
Tonya: I wonder why she didn't have her eyebrows tattooed if she did the lips.
Da: Ye do knoo Diarmuid's hobby dunt ya? He saays he's searchin' fer himself and that he knoos he be out dere sumwhere he dus.
Mam: So when dey coomb baack frum dere elopin', yer Auntie Lu decides ta take em out fer a meal in da town. BUT herself haz ta werk sos she can't make it (maybe da circus wuz in town). Of course, dat doesn't stoop yer cousin frum takin his ma up on dis here meal. Sos out dey goo and da restaurant be closed doown. Seems sum coode violation, sos Diarmuid takes hiz ma ta O'Doolin's Pub. Now ye heard O'Doolin's, has a terrible reputation it do. Sos in dey goo and O'Doolin himself be da first told of a da morriage an' he bein' a nearsighted one yells ta all inside ta raise dere jars to da new Mr. an' Mrs. O'Sullivan. And dey all do. Yer Auntie Lu be tryin' ta git a werd in edgewise, but she jus can't cuza all da noise an' boisterousness an' slaps on da back dat Diarmuid catched himself a cougar (wat ever dat means). So, yer Auntie Lu got so exasperated she did, she started acceptin' jar after jar until she was somewhere between tipsy and in er' coops, an' she finds hersel in a game of beer pong. This she explained ta me later, but she wuz throwin' ping pongy golf balls in coops an' if she got one in she hadda drink it. An', (holds up a finger in emphasis) AN', she hit in da coops most of her throws while she soon couldn't git a one in a coop ta save his life. We already knew he dint mooch care bout his reputation by not lettin' O'Doolin's crowd noo he weren't morried to his mutheh.
Me (who had had enough): Okay, this is getting foolish talk now. What else is new in Newry?
Mam: Well . . . yer sister has decided that children make terrible pets.
Me and Tonya: WHAT?!
Mam: Well . . . she took her two lovelies ta Belfast ta see some ballet, and she taught by doing so she'd instil a wee bit of culture. But . . . well . . . the lead ballerina was a heavy-set girlie, and your nephew would shout "WOW" at the top of his lungs each time the male dancer (I dunt know what you call those puffs) would catch her in some leap she hadda do. Well, the young boyo be impressed an' just lets out the WOW. Sheila told 'em to stop it, but den yer niece got up an' started dancing around in front of the stage an' took the attention away from the company ON stage. Well . . . Shelia was asked to leave, an' it embarrassed her, so she made like the two wee ones weren't hers but a friends.
Da: I tell ya, I dunt knoo where we went wrong wit dat girl! Deni-in' yer own flesh and blood no matter how bad they act.
Me: Now wait a second Da, you denied you knew me when the constable came to the house accusin' me of knocken' doown Mrs. Callahan's fence one Halloween.
Da: Never! I never denied ya . . . did I? Well, an' I dunt remember if I did.
R. Linda:
So there I was at the Dunkin Donut queue, waiting me turn when the guy in front of me ordered:
"Give me a cheesy egg sandwich on a bagel and hold the cheese, AND an iced coffee, no ice."
Yup. I thought it was Weasil in front of me. Then it was my turn, and I ordered an egg sannie with small coffee cream only. As I pull up in line, I hear this from two cars in front of me.
"You gave me the cup without the coffee."
Yes, indeed, honest mistake, as Captain Jack Sparrow would say. Anyway, I sat there wondering what the day would be like if this was how it started.
Sitting there, I had time for a short daydream or two, or more like memories of me parental unit's recent visit. We had snow that night, now referred to in these parts as Snowtober. The power had gone out, and I had cranked up the generator. There was no cable, so it was decided we'd watch Inception on DVD for want of something to do. Well, me Da, true to form, was somewhat confused by the concept of the film and would occasionally respond to Leonard DiCaprio's character (after giving some involved dialogue on what Inception was) by shouting out, "Malarkey Leo!" Yup, and Mam, would tell him to hush, which didn't stop him. Until he grew either too bored or too confused and began to drift off to sawing logs. However, DiCaprio's flick got back at Dad because each time it seemed Da would let out a long, loud snore, some action would happen in the film, and the vibration of the sound would throw Da into semi-consciousness. He'd almost jump out of his chair and look around, and once he even said, "What happened? A tree fell on the house, did it?" Oi. Somehow, we got through the movie even with the jumping up with the crash of the music, but this action of Da's did take the focus off the flick by Mam, who then would nudge me and say, "What is happening? Where did the little Juno girl go?" Juno is a flick Mam happened to like, with the lead actress in Inception (Ellen Page) playing the absentminded teenager, and was memorable to Mam because she reminded her of me sainted sissy who displayed an inordinate amount of absentmindedness as a teenager herself.
Between the questions caused by me Da's behaviour and because she just had to run to the window every five minutes to see "wot the snow be doin'," I was filling in me Mam on the flick the best I could, which was irritating the wife who was deeply engrossed in it and would like nothing better than for us to shut our pieholes. Finally, when all was said and done, the boyos were put to bed (they slept through the flick, I don't know how, but they did), and the four of us went into the kitchen. Tonya flipped on the porch light so we could see the snow. Mam got the kettle going, I got the freshly baked scones made earlier in the day, and Da sat and waited to be served. Sigh.
The conversation went something like this:
Mam: Yer cousin Diarmuid morried a woman who shaved her eyebrows and then pencils them on like a clown.
(Diarmuid pronounced Deer mid and in American is bastardised to Dermot)
Da: Aye, an he did. Dolts took off 'an eloped like as if his fumily would disapprove of er' but they dint care so long as he be happy wid her. They coulda just goon down ta the magistrate's, but nah, he took 'er way down to Roscommon when dey coulda doon it in Newry stead a cross da border.
Mam: Tsk.
Me: Wait a minute, can we return to the shaved eyebrows and clown thing?
Mam: Och! But she looks like she's from the circus she does. And HIM with one blue eye and one green, well ye know he wasn't all there ta begin wit.
Tonya (under her breath): Well, it sounds like a perfect match to me.
Me: Okay, I get that; where did he meet this circus performer?
Mam: Oh, I dunt knoo she's a circus performer fer real like. She just louks like one. I think she had her lips tattooed bright red.
Tonya: I wonder why she didn't have her eyebrows tattooed if she did the lips.
Da: Ye do knoo Diarmuid's hobby dunt ya? He saays he's searchin' fer himself and that he knoos he be out dere sumwhere he dus.
Mam: So when dey coomb baack frum dere elopin', yer Auntie Lu decides ta take em out fer a meal in da town. BUT herself haz ta werk sos she can't make it (maybe da circus wuz in town). Of course, dat doesn't stoop yer cousin frum takin his ma up on dis here meal. Sos out dey goo and da restaurant be closed doown. Seems sum coode violation, sos Diarmuid takes hiz ma ta O'Doolin's Pub. Now ye heard O'Doolin's, has a terrible reputation it do. Sos in dey goo and O'Doolin himself be da first told of a da morriage an' he bein' a nearsighted one yells ta all inside ta raise dere jars to da new Mr. an' Mrs. O'Sullivan. And dey all do. Yer Auntie Lu be tryin' ta git a werd in edgewise, but she jus can't cuza all da noise an' boisterousness an' slaps on da back dat Diarmuid catched himself a cougar (wat ever dat means). So, yer Auntie Lu got so exasperated she did, she started acceptin' jar after jar until she was somewhere between tipsy and in er' coops, an' she finds hersel in a game of beer pong. This she explained ta me later, but she wuz throwin' ping pongy golf balls in coops an' if she got one in she hadda drink it. An', (holds up a finger in emphasis) AN', she hit in da coops most of her throws while she soon couldn't git a one in a coop ta save his life. We already knew he dint mooch care bout his reputation by not lettin' O'Doolin's crowd noo he weren't morried to his mutheh.
Me (who had had enough): Okay, this is getting foolish talk now. What else is new in Newry?
Mam: Well . . . yer sister has decided that children make terrible pets.
Me and Tonya: WHAT?!
Mam: Well . . . she took her two lovelies ta Belfast ta see some ballet, and she taught by doing so she'd instil a wee bit of culture. But . . . well . . . the lead ballerina was a heavy-set girlie, and your nephew would shout "WOW" at the top of his lungs each time the male dancer (I dunt know what you call those puffs) would catch her in some leap she hadda do. Well, the young boyo be impressed an' just lets out the WOW. Sheila told 'em to stop it, but den yer niece got up an' started dancing around in front of the stage an' took the attention away from the company ON stage. Well . . . Shelia was asked to leave, an' it embarrassed her, so she made like the two wee ones weren't hers but a friends.
Da: I tell ya, I dunt knoo where we went wrong wit dat girl! Deni-in' yer own flesh and blood no matter how bad they act.
Me: Now wait a second Da, you denied you knew me when the constable came to the house accusin' me of knocken' doown Mrs. Callahan's fence one Halloween.
Da: Never! I never denied ya . . . did I? Well, an' I dunt remember if I did.
Me: Well, I remember it. I be scarred for life over it. Could never walk by a fence I didn't cross the road to not be accused of it fallen down and bein' me fault somehow. AND YOU, standin' dere sayin' ta da constable, "He aint me soon, never saw him befer in me life." And me standin' dere wondering what the heck and den da 100 questions of where I wuz and why I had it in fer Mrs. Callahan.
We both knew, or at least I did, that it was Sheila and the Dolan person who did it. All because Sheila's dog took a squirt on the old lady's fence, and she had a fit. Somehow, I got blamed for rippin' down that fence, and I was innocent.
Da: Aye, was probably the way ye said it wuz. Just dunt remember. Oh! And one ting yer Mam fergot ta tell ya, yer cousin Diarmuid isn't called Diarmuid anymore.
Me (after a long pause): Okay, I'll bite, wots he callin' himself?
Da: Well now me boyo, yer cousin Diarmuid wants to be knoon by the name . . . Roderick. He likes the way it "rolls off" his tongue, he duz.
Me: Roderick O'Sullivan?
Mam: No, Roderick Augustus O'Sullivan, he added the Augustus in dere too.
Tonya: Why?
Da: Because he saays it sounds . . . em . . . more upper class.
Me: He's married to a clown, and he wants his name to sound more upper class after passin' off his own Ma as his wife in a pub?
Da: Yup!
Da: Aye, was probably the way ye said it wuz. Just dunt remember. Oh! And one ting yer Mam fergot ta tell ya, yer cousin Diarmuid isn't called Diarmuid anymore.
Me (after a long pause): Okay, I'll bite, wots he callin' himself?
Da: Well now me boyo, yer cousin Diarmuid wants to be knoon by the name . . . Roderick. He likes the way it "rolls off" his tongue, he duz.
Me: Roderick O'Sullivan?
Mam: No, Roderick Augustus O'Sullivan, he added the Augustus in dere too.
Tonya: Why?
Da: Because he saays it sounds . . . em . . . more upper class.
Me: He's married to a clown, and he wants his name to sound more upper class after passin' off his own Ma as his wife in a pub?
Da: Yup!
A horn from behind me awoke me from me little bit of reminiscing. I was glad it did because it was starting to stress me out. Instead of a small coffee, I was ready to pull out of line and drive directly to the local watering hole to drown the memories.
I have a sneaking suspicion that I have a dysfunctional family. Call me stupid, but it seems to me there be something off about the lot of 'em. Just me opinion.
Gabe
Copyright © 2011 All rights reserved
I have a sneaking suspicion that I have a dysfunctional family. Call me stupid, but it seems to me there be something off about the lot of 'em. Just me opinion.
Gabe
Copyright © 2011 All rights reserved
Your cousin could have made it worse by declaring himself to be known as Roderick Augustus O'Sullivan III. Be thankful for small favours. LOL. Loved the read.
ReplyDeletear fheabhas! LOL
ReplyDeleteluv your family LOL they are a hoot.
ReplyDeleteI had to look twice when I saw Beer Pog. Wondered if there was a new kissing game out there involving beer. Realised it was a typo. LOL
ReplyDeleteWhere? Says beer pong but your mind be where? LOL
ReplyDeleteLOL. Did you change it? I must be losing me mind!
ReplyDeleteToo much beer for you!
ReplyDeleteey! dunks be goodly. i think beer pog could be da nextie bestie thingee ta dunks coffee unless yer kissin on sumthin oldie den notty so much
ReplyDelete