FAST FOOD (or lack of quick, and plenty of "we are out of that")

23 October 2011
462

R. Linda:

It started off as it usually does, only this time me ordering fast food was fraught with every single problem known to patrons. Here, let me relive it for you because I love the torture, NOT! I drive up to this place that is supposed to serve the best-baked potatoes in the nation. It even says that on the sign. So I pulled up and I get this:

"Welcome to The Best Baked Potato Company, my name is Derek how can I serve you?"
"Uhhh . . ."
"Sorry, I didn't catch that."
"No, I was looking at the menu."
"I'll be back monetarily."
"Uh, where are you going? I know what I want."
SILENCE for about three minutes then:
"Welcome to The Best Baked Potato Company, my name is Derek how can I serve you?"
"Uh . . . give me a chilli and cheese baked potato."
"We are all out of potatoes."
"OK . . . uh . . . what?"
"All out, gone. No potatoes today. Maybe you'd like to try our new deep-fried bacon coated in bread crumbs and drenched in cheddar cheese bonanza?"

My heart was telling me DON'T YOU DO IT GABE I'LL HAVE AN ATTACK!

"Uh . . . no thank you. Give me a bagel and egg sandwich without the cheese."
"Will that be all?"
"Uh . . . no, give me a coffee, cream only."
"I'm sorry the coffee machine is being cleaned. Can I interest you in something else?"
"Uh . . . how long before the coffee machine is ready?"
"Not for another four hours."
"Four hours? Ok then give me uh . . . diet coke, medium."
"A diet coke. What size would like sir?"
"Uh . . . I said a medium."
"Ok, a bagel, cheese and egg sandwich and one small coke. Is there anything else?"
"Uh . . . yeah NO! No cheese on the bagel and egg sandwich and that was a medium diet coke."
"One bagel, cheese and egg sandwich with a DIET coke."
"No, bagel and NO cheese on the egg sandwich and a medium diet coke."
"Ok, no bagel no cheese just egg and a medium coke."
"No. I want the bagel, not the cheese. A DIET medium coke that was. And that's it."
"Is that all?"
"I said that's it."
"That'll be $6.50 at the second window, pull up."

While I waited I wondered how The Best Baked Potato Company could be out of potatoes. The drive-thru window had three people in it. I thought that odd. They were sitting around is what they were doing, so I guessed it was true they had no potatoes and, therefore, nothing to do. But more insanely I wondered if they had got my order right. The whole ordering process was ridiculous. I was making me mind up to check that bag before I pulled off.

The medium diet coke without straw came up as soon as I handed over me credit card. Then I heard this:

"NO this isn't right this is a toasted bagel with cheese. He wants egg on it." And back it is handed to one harassed-looking, red in the face from the hot kitchen girl. She swipes it out of his hand and says something nasty and he laughs at her. Oi!

I interrupted by saying, "NO CHEESE." The guy looked at me and nodded then went back to berating the only person working inside, while the other two lazies laughed. It took a good ten minutes of me sitting there wondering if they had to coax a chicken to lay an egg, as nothing was coming forthwith. Finally, I got the bagel sanny and would have looked inside but my phone rang and Tonya was on the other end. I pulled out and when I got to Lowes, me destination for picking up a light switch, I parked the car and decided to eat me sanny and then go into Lowes before the egg got cold. So I pulled it out and what did I find? I had a cream cheese bagel with lox. I sat there staring at it. How was THAT possible?! So I decided I'd at least drink me diet coke on the way back, but discovered there was no straw!

Angry, I drove back to The Best Baked Potato Company, the best little potato company in the nation it said, and got to the speaker and had to sit through that hi, my name is and how can I serve you crap.

"I was just here and I ordered a bagel and egg sandwich and I got a bagel with cream cheese and lox instead."
"Oh did you like that better?"
"No, you don't understand, I didn't order the cream cheese and lox."
"Oh . . . sorry. What was that original order again?"
"A bagel with an egg on it NO cheese."
"We'll correct that for you sir, please pull up."
"Could you give me a straw for the drink too please?"
"You didn't get one?"
"No, I did not."
"Then OK, please pull up."

I thought I heard the guy chuckle, but I couldn't be sure. I pulled up to the window and as I sat there the three lazy persons were snickering. The other one who was working was a sweaty mess, redder in the face than before and shouting at the other three that the woman who ordered the cream cheese and lox on a bagel would probably be pulling in next with the bagel and egg sandwich. "Why can't you fools get it right?" She shouted as they found this hilarious. And that spurred her on with more berating of incompetent help. Oi. This tirade only got the others laughing out loud in front of me, the customer!

"Whadda ya gonna do?" The idiot next to the window said to me with a shrug. Yeah well, I'd like to tell him what I'd do if you screw up. I would come in there and turn you all inside out if I don't get me order! I went to hand him back the old sanny but he put his hand up and said, "No, no you keep that. It's on us."

Well, that would be fine and good, BUT I don't like lox and I be not a fan of cream cheese, so I told him to please take it, no way was I going to consume it or ride around with the smell of rotting fish in me motor. Well, he reluctantly did take it with two fingers and immediately threw it in the trash. OK, I thought.

So the only working girl came to the window and handed me the sanny with a "Sorry sir."

"Thank you," I said and pulled off, and as I did I could hear them all shouting at each other and I did wonder what the patrons inside thought of it all. Then I realised I still didn't have a straw. So I pulled around and had to wait in line to get to the speaker.

"Hi welcome to The Best Baked Potato Company, my name is Derek how can I serve you?"
"Uh . . . me again. I didn't get me straw."
SILENCE
"OK pull up!"

You know there are times you want to just jump out of the car, mush the sanny on the ground, throw the drink and just yell obscenities. That was one of those times. But I didn't and it took a great deal of restraint on me part not to. I pulled up and as I did I could see Derek sitting in the window flipping the straw around watching me. He flipped the straw to me and slid the window closed.

Yeah, I was mad. I was pissed off! I had started off when I saw the sign that said, TELL US ABOUT YOUR EXPERIENCE -- EMAIL US AT THEBESTTATTYCO.COM. Oh yeah, now there was an idea. I had plenty to say. And I did it. I was not a nice person, I was the Irishman from hell. And what did that get me? A phone call apologising profusely at the treatment I was subject to and I was promised a free coupon for a baked potato of me choice with a medium drink. Well, the coupon came and not afraid to face these snotty teens again, I drove over there.

"Hi welcome to The Best Baked Potato Company, my name is Andrea how can I serve you?"
"Uh . . . give me . . . give me a cheddar cheese and chilli baked potato."
"Do you want cheese on that?"
"Uh . . . well yes. Cheddar."
"Oh we are all out of cheddar will provolone do?"
"Provolone? No. What other cheeses do you have?"
"Just a minute let me go see."

I was like "Let me go see"? Seriously? How can she not know what she sells?

"OK, we haveee . . . Provolone, Mozzarella, American, Swiss!"

I was stunned, chili with any of those would taste off. So I decided to change me order.

"Ok, never mind on the chilli then. Make that one broccoli and cheese potato and you can make that with cheese Swiss?"
"Sorry, we are out of broccoli."
"Oh."
SILENCE
"Then . . . how about the Italian meatball baked potato?"
"What kind of cheese do you want on that?"
"Mozzarella?"
"Let me check and make sure we have the meatballs."

OH MY GOD! I wanted to tear me hair out. Well, turns out they did. Was I unlucky or what? Well, too early to judge on that, but I was told the price and to pull up to the second window and this time the only person in the window was the headset-ted Andrea. I gave her me coupon and realised I hadn't ordered a drink.

"Can I get a medium diet coke with that?"

She looked at me like WHAT?

"You'll have to pull around and order that, there is a line behind you."
"Are you serious? You can't just pour me a medium diet coke now?"
"No, it is against The Best Baked Potato Company regs when there is a line of cars waiting for their orders. If we did this just one drink, we'd have to do it for everyone, so if you want to drive around I'll hold your potato."

I said nothing, I was becoming slightly enraged I was, so I drove off and around and as me car crept up in line I thought to just drive off, but then I realised I had already paid for me baked tattie. UGH! So I get to the speaker and I get:

"Hi, welcome to The Best Baked Potato Company, my name is Dawn how can I serve you?"
"Hi Dawn, I just ordered an Italian potato and forgot me drink. I would like a medium diet Coke."
"Are you ordering an Italian potato? Because I think we are out of mozzarella cheese. Hold on let me look."

WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? I sat there in disbelief.

"You're in luck we have two slices left."
"No, Dawn you don't understand I already have a baked Italian potato. It is being held at the window for me."
SILENCE

I listen to her asking someone named Rodney if there was a baked Italian being held for a man in line. I hear him say, "I dunno, don't see one. Probably thinks he can get it for free." OH YEAH that did it, so I said into the speaker:

"Listen up RODNEY, I paid for the damned Italian as you call it and Andrea was holding it for me because I forgot to order the freaking diet Coke and she made me get back in line and was holding me order to keep it hot!"

Snickering, that's what I heard, distant snickering.

"Listen up you two, get my potato or I am getting out of this car and coming inside and baking it myself!"
"I'm sorry sir, but that's against regulations all customers must either stay in their car or come inside and take a table, no one is allowed behind the counter."
"Look here Dawn or whatever your real name is . . ."
"PULL UP SIR!"

I did, and I was handed the drink, no straw I had to ask for one. Then I was told, "That'll be $1.50."

"No, I paid with me coupon for the potato which I still don't have, and the drink was included."
"Do you have the coupon?"
"Well no, I gave it to Andrea."
"Sorry, there is no coupon showing here."
"She didn't use it, she held it out until I ordered the freaking drink!"
"Well, there is no coupon here."
"Get her!"
"Get who?"
"ANDREA!"
"Oh Andrea's gone, she only worked till 12:30."

I was truly upset now. I pulled off and parked me car and walked inside. There were two teenage guys behind the counter, one filling an order and the other ready to take MINE. I gave him a piece of me mind and said I wanted to talk to his manager. He went back and got some dishevelled individual who was in the middle of his lunch I suppose, he was munching on what looked like a Dunkin donut. Yup, probably the place I should have gone because though they treat me like crap at least it isn't as bad as what the potato company was doing to me.

After a long and heated conversation, I was "given" (yes, that be how they put it), me Italian baked potato. No one believed I had a coupon. What I think happened is Andrea put the coupon in her pocket and when she left she forgot she had it. Oi, oi, oi! Meanwhile, I looked like the moocher liar looking for a free handout. But it doesn't end there. I get out to me car, and I burn rubber as I leave so crazy was I that I went home not looking at what was in the sack. On getting home, finding no one about, I sat down to have me frustrating lunch. And what do I find? No straw AGAIN, and this time a baked potato filled with mozzarella cheese and a cup of marinara sauce with mini meatballs on the side. I'm sorry, but I wanted the usual Italian baked potato which is the filling inside the potato with the cheese on TOP! It was hard to sit there and not jam it all back in the bag and drive back there.

I ended up taking five shots of Bushmills to calm meself down. Then I scooped the cheese the best I could out of the bottom of the tatty and poured the filling in and then put the cheese back, but by that time the cheese was pretty much congealed. It was so horrible to me taste buds I ended up chucking it in the bin.

I BE SO DONE WITH THE BEST BAKED POTATO COMPANY! I just wanted to share this with you because I needed to get this out being that I be by meself and there be no one I can unload on. OI OI OI OI OI OI!!

Gabe
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