100
R. Linda:
I received an invitation to Mrs. Castor's Hanukah party. She said last year she was going to give one for the tenants because each year there are Christmas parties and such, and well she felt it was time she gave a party in honour of her faith's most sacred holiday. Begorrah me, I've never been to a Hanukah party before, and I don't know much what it be about, but I like Mrs. Caster very much, so for sure I gave little thought and said yes, I'd attend.
Tonya got an invitation as did everyone in me building. She came bounding down the stairs to ask me if meself were a going. I said Mrs. C was one of those neighbours you run into all the time, and besides she is a nice sort, and so I was going. While we were discussing what Hanukah might be, a knock came, no let me correct that, a rap, rap, rap, patta, rap, sounded on the door. I knew it was Argiebelle so I put me index finger to me lips to silence Tonya.
"For God's sake Gabriel she can hear us! Go open the door," she ordered me.
Reluctantly I went and let the wee girlie in, but shut me door on the pig dog. No way was I having that thing in me apartment. Of course, Argie was looking behind her like where is the dog, and you'd think it was invisible the way she was doing that, but she said nothing flouncing to me couch and letting herself fall into it.
"Yes?" Tonya asked, her arms crossed against her chest like she was Argie's mother or something.
"Well, are ya goin' ta Castor's digs or what?" Argie asked, like we should have known the question to begin with.
I looked at her like huh? And Tonya looked down her nose at her with a raised eyebrow and in fine black fashion, she did that mini shaking of her head as she replied, "Um, um, um girl what you think we gonna just be disrespectful because the woman is old?"
I rolled me eyes, I could see it coming -- confrontation. So I stepped up and stopped it before it began. Obviously, Tonya had heard that Omarosa remark of recent and Argie wasn't her fav person. I told them both if they didn't want to show up alone, I'd be happy to escort them. Truth be known, it was I that didn't want to go alone. I had this terrible image of me being the first to arrive and having to make nice with Mrs. C, who (don't get me wrong), is a very nice person, but well she repeats herself over and over, and it drives me up a pole it does. Of course, I've always been polite back, and well you know what I mean.
We decided to meet at me apartment on the appointed night since I live across the hall from her and could monitor when everyone else had arrived. What to wear, what to bring, how to act, these were all topics we discussed between us gentiles each one. We none of us knew much about this Hanukah. So it was us stepping into the unknown that night to (as Argie put it) experience Hanukah.
I had run out and got a bottle of Manoshevits wine, Tonya had a bottle of Mogan David wine and Argie had a package of Matzo crackers. Now I ask you, I thought the wine would be perfectly fine, so apparently did Tonya, but who in their right mind would bring crackers? Crackers without anything to go on them. Argie seemed perfectly fine with that, so off we went, me in business casual, Tonya in a short denim skirt with turtleneck sweater and then there was Argie. She was dressed in this green dress that was all different lengths on the bottom, like it had been caught in a blender. The top was sleeveless and off one shoulder. I have no clue what she was dressed up like, except for looking like Tinkerbelle, the only thing missing were wings. Tonya whispered to me that Argie had obviously raided the faerie's closet. Great minds think alike they do.
So there we were the three of us looking out the crack of me door to wait others to go first. When there were almost all the building in Mrs. Castor's apartment, we ventured over. But not before Argie announced as she swung the door open for our departure, "To go where no gentile has gone before."
I felt like a stupid trekkie, but well there I was, the lone Irishman with the sexy babe and Tinkerbelle. I ask you, can you imagine a stranger trio than us? No, I don't think so.
We offered our tokens of appreciation to Mrs. C and stepped inside. There was music, okay it was from the 1930s, but it was music, the lights were up, people were in groups chatting rather loudly. I realised the music was turned way up so we all had to shout. Mrs. C had taken me aside when I winced at the loudness to shout up at me, "I have the music turned up because if it is low, you can hear the pause in the conversation, this way it sounds like everyone is having a great time."
Neat trick but I swear I be deaf now.
I joined Tonya and a few others over by the old fireplace that doesn't work. We were standing with our glasses of Modavi wine shouting at each other over the music when Argie wiggled her way in-between me and Tonya. She pulled at me sleeve and with her head she motioned to a bag with a box inside it, that was resting on the chair next to me. I looked down at it, it looked like a gift box to me, and I raised me eyebrows in question at Argie.
"Whadda ya think THAT is?" She shouted.
I shrugged and told her someone must have brought a present.
"Gee, should we have got her something like ya know, for Christmas?"
I shrugged again, Hanukah was new to me and I had no idea if presents were in order.
"Gabe, open the lid and see what's in there," Argie urged, "it looks kinda strange."
"Are you out of your mind? That would be impolite." I countered.
"Aw come on. Just a tweak, Gabe," she said, showing me her index finger and thumb to indicate a wee bit of a look. God, she looked every inch like Cyndi Lauper with those squinty little eyes and red mouth, chewing gum like it was going out of style, and intense like she was ready to burst into Girls Just Wanna Have Fun.
Now I was curious. The bag had no department store writing on it, but it was decorated like a man in formal white vest and black tux with a red tux tie. Only there was no arms, lower torso or head. Just the chest part. It was one of those shinny holiday bags if you know what I mean. The box inside did not appear to be cardboard but I thought it looked like wood. An orangey colour with a gold ribbon around it.
This I informed the nosey one about, and that only peaked her curiosity more. There was no one around us as people had moved off to hear Mrs. Castor recite a poem she had made up for the occasion. We were standing next to the chair and Tonya came back to stand with us. I guess she had moved off and realised neither Argie or meself had joined her.
She looked at us with crinkled brow in question of what we were up to. She knew it was no good with one look at our guilty but curious faces. Argie had moved in front of the chair, and me on the other side of it. I was looking into the bag as Argie pulled the sides of her Tinkerbelle gown out to hide what I was doing. I do not know what possessed me, but one look at Tonya and I let go the bag handles like I had been caught like a kid with his hand in a cookie jar.
Tonya said nothing, but her eyes were wide with disbelief and admonishment. I moved away from the bag and made like I was listening to Mrs. Castor shouting over the music. Argie was furious at me cowardly actions and took matters into her own hands literally.
With one step she was behind us and in the bag. Tonya and I moved together to hide her not because we wanted to help cover her boldness, but because we couldn't make a clean get away without being caught.
I glanced behind me as Argie held the box up to her ear and was shaking it, then she put it in one hand, and began pulling the gold ribbon off with the other. Suddenly the music stopped and I jumped. Tonya stood stiff as a board in fear as her eyes got wide as saucers. We both stood motionless as Mrs. Castor's voice lowered and she said with reverence looking over in our direction, "Tonight is so very special to me because you all have come to celebrate with me. This is an occasion that was special to my husband Albert and myself. It has been six long years I have not had the pleasure of his company, and have kept Hanukah in my own keeping. Tonight is different, I am sharing it with you all."
Everyone applauded and she was all glowing smiles, as Tonya whispered harshly out of the side of her mouth, "Argie! Put that down now!"
I knew Argie had the ribbon off and had opened the lid, but I couldn't turn round because Mrs. Castor was still looking over our way and continued, "Albert is here with us tonight. He has the place of honour, his favourite chair by the fireplace even though it never worked."
OH MY GOD, I thought and it hit Tonya at the same time as we both compulsively turned to look over our shoulders at Argie running her fingers through the ashes of Albert like she was looking for a diamond. Tonya had dry heaves suddenly and her eyes looked like they were about to exit her skull and orbit the room. I started laughing, I had me hands over me face, me shoulders shaking as Tonya who already was horrified, looked at me in more horror and then thinking quickly grabbed me by the shoulders as if comforting me.
"He is so moved, so moved," Tonya said to the rest of the party who had all turned around. I have to say I tend to laugh when nervous, it wasn't funny at all, it was awful, but that's what happens to me. Luckily we still shielded the astounded Argiebelle from their sight, as she quickly rubbed her hands on her gown, but as she started to put the lid on the box, she must have inhaled Albert because she started sneezing her fool head off. To make matters worse, ashes were everywhere because she was sneezing into the box!
This set me into fits and it must have been contagious because Tonya was laughing so hard tears were rolling down her face, part in mirth, part in absolute horror. This was good, because everyone else thought we two were crying, but they got a glimpse of Argie and that ah gee feeling they were all experiencing turned into OH MY GOD. Neither of us could stand still so I took Tonya by the hand and pulled her towards the door saying I was sorry, but we were too overcome and had to leave.
Yes, we left Argie there, her face, hands and upper torso covered in Albert.
I have no idea what happened, because we ran to me apartment and fell on the couch in hysterics. We moved quickly to a more sound proof place and have been hiding under a throw in the back closet trying to get ourselves under control. I don't know if we pulled it off or not. We may be executed tomorrow because of our irreverence for all we know. We didn't mean to be disrespectful but the imagine of Argie blew our minds. I can't get the picture of Argie's green dress with all that gray ash on it and Mrs. Castor's astonished face, or the looks of disbelief, horror, repulsion and snide humour from everyone else as they looked in Argiebelle's direction as she said lamely, "Ohhh, I thought this was a unique kinda ashtray."
Tonya hopes that picture sticks foremost in our neighbours minds and they forget we were even there.
Gabe
Copyright © 2004 All rights reserved
R. Linda:
I received an invitation to Mrs. Castor's Hanukah party. She said last year she was going to give one for the tenants because each year there are Christmas parties and such, and well she felt it was time she gave a party in honour of her faith's most sacred holiday. Begorrah me, I've never been to a Hanukah party before, and I don't know much what it be about, but I like Mrs. Caster very much, so for sure I gave little thought and said yes, I'd attend.
Tonya got an invitation as did everyone in me building. She came bounding down the stairs to ask me if meself were a going. I said Mrs. C was one of those neighbours you run into all the time, and besides she is a nice sort, and so I was going. While we were discussing what Hanukah might be, a knock came, no let me correct that, a rap, rap, rap, patta, rap, sounded on the door. I knew it was Argiebelle so I put me index finger to me lips to silence Tonya.
"For God's sake Gabriel she can hear us! Go open the door," she ordered me.
Reluctantly I went and let the wee girlie in, but shut me door on the pig dog. No way was I having that thing in me apartment. Of course, Argie was looking behind her like where is the dog, and you'd think it was invisible the way she was doing that, but she said nothing flouncing to me couch and letting herself fall into it.
"Yes?" Tonya asked, her arms crossed against her chest like she was Argie's mother or something.
"Well, are ya goin' ta Castor's digs or what?" Argie asked, like we should have known the question to begin with.
I looked at her like huh? And Tonya looked down her nose at her with a raised eyebrow and in fine black fashion, she did that mini shaking of her head as she replied, "Um, um, um girl what you think we gonna just be disrespectful because the woman is old?"
I rolled me eyes, I could see it coming -- confrontation. So I stepped up and stopped it before it began. Obviously, Tonya had heard that Omarosa remark of recent and Argie wasn't her fav person. I told them both if they didn't want to show up alone, I'd be happy to escort them. Truth be known, it was I that didn't want to go alone. I had this terrible image of me being the first to arrive and having to make nice with Mrs. C, who (don't get me wrong), is a very nice person, but well she repeats herself over and over, and it drives me up a pole it does. Of course, I've always been polite back, and well you know what I mean.
We decided to meet at me apartment on the appointed night since I live across the hall from her and could monitor when everyone else had arrived. What to wear, what to bring, how to act, these were all topics we discussed between us gentiles each one. We none of us knew much about this Hanukah. So it was us stepping into the unknown that night to (as Argie put it) experience Hanukah.
I had run out and got a bottle of Manoshevits wine, Tonya had a bottle of Mogan David wine and Argie had a package of Matzo crackers. Now I ask you, I thought the wine would be perfectly fine, so apparently did Tonya, but who in their right mind would bring crackers? Crackers without anything to go on them. Argie seemed perfectly fine with that, so off we went, me in business casual, Tonya in a short denim skirt with turtleneck sweater and then there was Argie. She was dressed in this green dress that was all different lengths on the bottom, like it had been caught in a blender. The top was sleeveless and off one shoulder. I have no clue what she was dressed up like, except for looking like Tinkerbelle, the only thing missing were wings. Tonya whispered to me that Argie had obviously raided the faerie's closet. Great minds think alike they do.
So there we were the three of us looking out the crack of me door to wait others to go first. When there were almost all the building in Mrs. Castor's apartment, we ventured over. But not before Argie announced as she swung the door open for our departure, "To go where no gentile has gone before."
I felt like a stupid trekkie, but well there I was, the lone Irishman with the sexy babe and Tinkerbelle. I ask you, can you imagine a stranger trio than us? No, I don't think so.
We offered our tokens of appreciation to Mrs. C and stepped inside. There was music, okay it was from the 1930s, but it was music, the lights were up, people were in groups chatting rather loudly. I realised the music was turned way up so we all had to shout. Mrs. C had taken me aside when I winced at the loudness to shout up at me, "I have the music turned up because if it is low, you can hear the pause in the conversation, this way it sounds like everyone is having a great time."
Neat trick but I swear I be deaf now.
I joined Tonya and a few others over by the old fireplace that doesn't work. We were standing with our glasses of Modavi wine shouting at each other over the music when Argie wiggled her way in-between me and Tonya. She pulled at me sleeve and with her head she motioned to a bag with a box inside it, that was resting on the chair next to me. I looked down at it, it looked like a gift box to me, and I raised me eyebrows in question at Argie.
"Whadda ya think THAT is?" She shouted.
I shrugged and told her someone must have brought a present.
"Gee, should we have got her something like ya know, for Christmas?"
I shrugged again, Hanukah was new to me and I had no idea if presents were in order.
"Gabe, open the lid and see what's in there," Argie urged, "it looks kinda strange."
"Are you out of your mind? That would be impolite." I countered.
"Aw come on. Just a tweak, Gabe," she said, showing me her index finger and thumb to indicate a wee bit of a look. God, she looked every inch like Cyndi Lauper with those squinty little eyes and red mouth, chewing gum like it was going out of style, and intense like she was ready to burst into Girls Just Wanna Have Fun.
Now I was curious. The bag had no department store writing on it, but it was decorated like a man in formal white vest and black tux with a red tux tie. Only there was no arms, lower torso or head. Just the chest part. It was one of those shinny holiday bags if you know what I mean. The box inside did not appear to be cardboard but I thought it looked like wood. An orangey colour with a gold ribbon around it.
This I informed the nosey one about, and that only peaked her curiosity more. There was no one around us as people had moved off to hear Mrs. Castor recite a poem she had made up for the occasion. We were standing next to the chair and Tonya came back to stand with us. I guess she had moved off and realised neither Argie or meself had joined her.
She looked at us with crinkled brow in question of what we were up to. She knew it was no good with one look at our guilty but curious faces. Argie had moved in front of the chair, and me on the other side of it. I was looking into the bag as Argie pulled the sides of her Tinkerbelle gown out to hide what I was doing. I do not know what possessed me, but one look at Tonya and I let go the bag handles like I had been caught like a kid with his hand in a cookie jar.
Tonya said nothing, but her eyes were wide with disbelief and admonishment. I moved away from the bag and made like I was listening to Mrs. Castor shouting over the music. Argie was furious at me cowardly actions and took matters into her own hands literally.
With one step she was behind us and in the bag. Tonya and I moved together to hide her not because we wanted to help cover her boldness, but because we couldn't make a clean get away without being caught.
I glanced behind me as Argie held the box up to her ear and was shaking it, then she put it in one hand, and began pulling the gold ribbon off with the other. Suddenly the music stopped and I jumped. Tonya stood stiff as a board in fear as her eyes got wide as saucers. We both stood motionless as Mrs. Castor's voice lowered and she said with reverence looking over in our direction, "Tonight is so very special to me because you all have come to celebrate with me. This is an occasion that was special to my husband Albert and myself. It has been six long years I have not had the pleasure of his company, and have kept Hanukah in my own keeping. Tonight is different, I am sharing it with you all."
Everyone applauded and she was all glowing smiles, as Tonya whispered harshly out of the side of her mouth, "Argie! Put that down now!"
I knew Argie had the ribbon off and had opened the lid, but I couldn't turn round because Mrs. Castor was still looking over our way and continued, "Albert is here with us tonight. He has the place of honour, his favourite chair by the fireplace even though it never worked."
OH MY GOD, I thought and it hit Tonya at the same time as we both compulsively turned to look over our shoulders at Argie running her fingers through the ashes of Albert like she was looking for a diamond. Tonya had dry heaves suddenly and her eyes looked like they were about to exit her skull and orbit the room. I started laughing, I had me hands over me face, me shoulders shaking as Tonya who already was horrified, looked at me in more horror and then thinking quickly grabbed me by the shoulders as if comforting me.
"He is so moved, so moved," Tonya said to the rest of the party who had all turned around. I have to say I tend to laugh when nervous, it wasn't funny at all, it was awful, but that's what happens to me. Luckily we still shielded the astounded Argiebelle from their sight, as she quickly rubbed her hands on her gown, but as she started to put the lid on the box, she must have inhaled Albert because she started sneezing her fool head off. To make matters worse, ashes were everywhere because she was sneezing into the box!
This set me into fits and it must have been contagious because Tonya was laughing so hard tears were rolling down her face, part in mirth, part in absolute horror. This was good, because everyone else thought we two were crying, but they got a glimpse of Argie and that ah gee feeling they were all experiencing turned into OH MY GOD. Neither of us could stand still so I took Tonya by the hand and pulled her towards the door saying I was sorry, but we were too overcome and had to leave.
Yes, we left Argie there, her face, hands and upper torso covered in Albert.
I have no idea what happened, because we ran to me apartment and fell on the couch in hysterics. We moved quickly to a more sound proof place and have been hiding under a throw in the back closet trying to get ourselves under control. I don't know if we pulled it off or not. We may be executed tomorrow because of our irreverence for all we know. We didn't mean to be disrespectful but the imagine of Argie blew our minds. I can't get the picture of Argie's green dress with all that gray ash on it and Mrs. Castor's astonished face, or the looks of disbelief, horror, repulsion and snide humour from everyone else as they looked in Argiebelle's direction as she said lamely, "Ohhh, I thought this was a unique kinda ashtray."
Tonya hopes that picture sticks foremost in our neighbours minds and they forget we were even there.
Gabe
Copyright © 2004 All rights reserved
