24 October 2010
316
R. Linda:
After spending an uncomfortable night on me couch I be stiff as a board. Me couch isn't one that opens out, no, no it be not a sleeper. Try being over 6 feet tall with your feet hanging off the end of a couch and a Red and White Irish Setter climbing up on top of you acting like a doggy blanket, doggy smell and all. Thank the good Lord the Newfie is too old to climb up because yours truly would be one long narrow pancake. Instead, the Newfie was on the floor, so if I got up at night, for sure I'd take a header into the coffee table. Luckily for me, this did not happen, or I'd be sporting a king-sized egg on me head along with the stiff joints and doggy smell.
But that may be the least of it. I hardly slept for the damn dog and I kept pushing her off and just as I'd finally drift off, she'd start whining at me face, then the doggy tongue would come out and she'd be cleaning me face! After a few of these unsavoury and wet moments, I let her climb her doggy self up because it was better than the whining and the licking. I hardly slept for it I tell you! Me couch isn't roomy enough for the two of us, so I was hanging off the couch from me knees down using the Newfie as a footstool. Damn that Dragon! I could have been cozy in me very own bed instead of THIS!
So I awaken to the smell of breakfast, a breakfast me dear old Mam was busy making. I could smell the bubble and squeak and could envision the fresh egg over the top, the toast on the side with marmalade and hot coffee (I be not a tea drinker). I struggled to get the dog off me, the Newfie was already in the kitchen sniffing the air, and once free I left me sleeping companion to lurch stiffly into the kitchen. And I was rewarded, me fav brekkie was being made and there was me smiling Mam just like back in Ireland, and me Da came wandering in with the morning paper, and it was bliss for a whole two minutes before SHE came in. Yes, that damn Dragon came in to question what we were eating. She had never seen, nor heard of bubble and squeak before in her life, and when me sainted little Mam told her what it consisted of she turned her self-righteous nose up and took instead some toast and ordered up an egg over lightly from me Mam who looked a bit taken aback by the ordering.
You know by now I cannot take the Dragon in even small doses in the morning, I tend to sleep through breakfast if at all possible and I bloody tried I did, but she made it nearly impossible when the boyos appeared all cheery and ready to eat. It was a contest suddenly. She jumped up and nudged me Mam so SHE could make the boyos breakfast. Me Mam was in mid-bubble and squeak fry flip when suddenly an egg appeared in her pan with the B and S and the Dragon had a spatula going. Well, talk about indignant, me Mam up and left. Just up and left! Me bubble and squeak were burning in the pan with the boyos eggs. I wasn't getting me fav brekkie after all. I was very much awake now, and the steam must have been coming out of me ears, but no one noticed. I got up and went after Mam and could hardly articulate to her how much I was looking forward to the old family breakfast when she threw up her hands and hissed at me, "That woman, THAT woman, she just took on over me fry like I wasn't standin' dere making a breakfast she did!"
"Mam, you need to get in there and move that dragon lady out of the way, this is YOUR time with us, not HERS and I will back ya up." Me tongue had the best of me, but me brain was saying, "NO GABE, YOU'LL BE SORRY FOR SURE." And well, I was.
Mam didn't wait she marched right back in there, took up her spatula, removed the burnt bubble and squeak, flipped it in the bin and put a new one on, as she manoeuvred Dragon's eggs to the side. The two of them had duelling spatulas, they did, each moving the other's food out of their way. It went on that way with a good deal of pushing and shoving, and grunting until Tonya appeared and assessing the situation immediately said, "For heaven's sake ladies I have more than ONE fry pan." She got one down, greased it and gently moved her mother to that pan while me sainted little apple-cheeked Mam flipped me bubble and squeak on a plate and topped it with the boyos eggs! Yes, she did as the Dragon stood open-mouthed at such an affront.
I took me brekkie to the couch, I just could not watch. When I was done I went back in and told me Mam how delicious the food was and by that time they were all sitting down to their respective breakfasts. I don't know what happened while I was away, but no one was speaking to anyone, including the two wee ones. It was bizarre I tell you. I left them for a shower because truly, I didn't want to know.
When I came back all showered and dressed they were all sipping coffee or tea in the kitchen, and me Mam said to me Da as they watched the two boyos playing with their scrabbled eggs, "I could just eat them on toast!" And the Dragon looked up in horror as if Mam really meant it. I tell ya that woman is just not got a drop of Irish blood anywhere in her she takes everything we say as gospel. I wanted to go drown meself in the sink I did. But before the Dragon could open her mouth I suggested the boyos get dressed and we'd take the dogs for a game of stick throwing. They clamoured off all excited and Da got up and announced he was showering and shaving, he'd be back after, probably join me and the boyos outside if we were still at it. As he passed me he whispered, "Don't push the river, it flows by itself," and he was gone. I took his words to heart and pressed the wee ones to their rooms to change and get meself out of the line of fire as quickly as I could.
While I was outside throwing sticks to two spastic dogs who were tongue lolling and spreading dog spit all over the place in doggy pleasure, Mam came out and she stood by watching O'Hare throwing a stick for the setter always falling two feet from him, and then the dog would come up with the stick and jump on the child making him fall over backwards. This went on for another few 2-foot tosses when she stepped in and showed him how to "wing a nutter off" which she meant how to toss a stick more than 2 feet. O'Hare was getting the hang of it and it was going maybe 5 feet and the Newfie joined in as if to say, "That's the way."
After making sure he was not being mauled by the dogs, she came over to me and said, "THAT woman is daft as a bag of spiders she is. I can hardly believe Tonya be her dotter."
I apologised profusely to her and told her the truth, I had no idea the Dragon would be amongst us for their visit and truth be told I had no idea how long she was planning on staying, and if more truth be told, I told her Dragon takes Irish euphemisms as exact words not sayings, and so to take a mind to THAT because half of the problem seemed to be that Dragon took everything said literally and completely. I told her about the cat and me father and how Dragon reacted by scooping up the feline and scolding dear old Da for which he was scratching his head in wonder, as he had no idea what she was angry at him for.
Mam smiled deviously at me and said, "For sure and it be too bad she sees it all that way and for sure WE are not going to try talking like Americans just to please herself." And with that, we were joined by me Da who was complaining he was feeling sick as a small hospital for eating the greasy eggs Dragon had thrown in front of him. I gave it up then, I knew she was right and so here we be the five of us out in the cloudy cool weather, rain be coming, you can feel it in the air you can and THAT unfortunately means, we will all be in the house together. SIGH.
Here be me couch mate, can you tell she be Irish?
Gabe
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