Stupid is as stupid does

15 October 2022

1081

R. Linda:

I wrote this in early October but didn't get to finish it until now. 

Well finally! The chill is coming to the pumpkin patch at last. Usually, at this time of year, the leaves are dressed in autumn colours and some dance to the ground in spirals as the wind blows. But this year, it looks like we are in the middle of summer. The leaves are heavy on the trees, green and lush, and the air has been still. The winds from Hurricane Fiona blew in and put an autumn chill in the air making it really feel like the first full day of fall. Today it's jacket weather. The sun is shining, it's just gorgeous. 

Not fall yet as far as the outside goes

It was such a joy to have that fall-ish feel, so in the spirit of it all, I took Mam to lunch. We sat outside in the sun and enjoyed the pumpkin nut coffee and sandwiches, not a care in the world. That be until . . . cousin Sean suddenly popped up and brought the daydreaming to an end with a crashing reality that I was still in New Hampshire. There he was, all excitable he had a girl with him. Oh yes, he was dressed in his special New Hampshire clothing, the dressy kind that consists of kaki dockers and a blue button-down shirt, which is standard male wedding wear up here, but in Sean's case, it is pick-up-a-girl attire. Yes, there he was, and next to him was a woman in a plain dress, the kind of flimsy material popular in the 1970s. It was a white dress with a yellow print that resembled a bunch of yellow nerves. Her hair was pulled back and parted in the middle in a low ponytail. Her face was the kind only a mother could love, a pasty pie face. It was her broad and, I mean, fullback-wide shoulders that got me attention. She was about 6 feet tall and manish looking. I had to squint my eyes to be sure I was looking at a woman or a man in a woman's dress. It was a woman, her name was Dapnee Du Bois. 

"Oh, a French name," Me Mam blurted out.

"Oh no, French Canadian. Quebec, I'm from Quebec, and my name is spelt D-a-p-n-e-e." Said the amazon with a hint of nastiness, giving me cheery, apple-cheeked, grey-haired little Mam the cold eye. 

Ordinarily, I'd pipe up to throw a remark in the way, but me Mam be quite capable of giving back as good as she gets, and she did with a long up-and-down look over the fullback. Yes, a look that said, "And who do you think you be speaking to? And you can't spell Daphne?" None of that was lost on Ms. Quebec. 

The fullback with the oddly spelt name did the right thing and excused herself to use the loo inside. That didn't stop Sean from pulling up, or I should say scraping up a metal chair to our table and sitting himself down to tell us this:

"I absolutely worship dat girl!" 

As you might imagine, this brought on quite the coughing fit to Mam, who had taken a sip of her coffee when Sean expounded on his feelings without being asked. 

"Old ting, are ya quite yurself?" He asked her.

Uh-oh, that be what I call the Dragon Lady when she's about the place, and I knew he was in the deep poo. She got up, waving him away as he tried to take her arm to guide her God knows where. She shoved him into his metal seat and went inside, coughing the whole of the way. 

"She's like a sergeant-major, yer Mam." He quipped.

"Well, I don't tink she appreciated you referring ta her as 'old ting', do you?"

"You use that term of endearment all da time!" 

"No, I do not. I refer to Dragon as dat, not me sainted, apple-cheeked, grey-haired, dimpled little Mam I don't! Wot be the matter wit ya?"

He looked dreamy momentarily and then said, "I'm in luv cuzin."

"In luv? Dat "girl" as you refer to her must be twenty years older than you!"

"I dun't care I'm in luv."

I had to think for a moment. I knew he was serious. I knew him well enough.

"A spectacular emotion. When did ye know it was coming over you? Dis luv?

"Hours ago." He sighed like a love-sick puppy.

Just like that. Oh boy. Sean told me he had "just" met her at the dog groomers in the strip mall down the road. He said he was coming out of the post office and she, had dropped off her Yorkie (which must be a treat to see this very tall, big woman with a teacup size dog), and they "literally" bumped into each other in the doorway, side by side. He had bruised his proboscis on her pocketbook, it being nose level to his head, and she was whipping out Kleenex in case there was blood spilt. 

He looked up, and that's all it took was one good look, and it was love at first sight. For him anyway. She was so upset she offered to buy him a coffee at the little bistro me Mam and I were having lunch. Sean had no clue we were here, but what an excellent opportunity to introduce us to a future family member.

"WOT? Ye aren't tellin' me you proposed to dat woman?" I railed, offended that his mind wasn't in gear, and obviously, he had given this idea no thought, and to do such a thing so quickly, well boggled my mind it did.

"Not yet, but I'm goin' to as soon as possible. I can't let dis one git away."

I was speechless. What a damn fool, I thought. I finally got my thoughts together and listed to him reasons why he should not propose to her. Besides the fact he didn't know her or anything about her. One does not propose marriage to a perfect stranger and think it's okay with the rest of the family.

None of what I laid out was absorbed by a brain not used to the idea of reasonable advice. 

Me Mam was the first to return to the table. Her face looked like it was set in granite. She put a box of bakery goodies on the table and said not a word. Sean eyed the box, his jaws working with anticipation. He reached for the box, and her hand came over his. Through clenched teeth, she warned him the box contained nothing for him. He looked so crestfallen I almost felt sympathetic, but not entirely, as the amazon also was returning to the table. Sean got up and offered her his seat. This did not sit well with me, Mam, whose eyes were blazing. 

Suddenly, without warning, Sean reached over to my plate and took a Bermuda onion shaped in a circle, got down on one knee, and dared to ask for the amazon's hand in marriage, making a public spectacle of himself. I was stunned, and Mam's eyes were the biggest I'd ever seen. Before anyone could protest, the amazon gave Sean a toothy grin and shook her head, NO!

Relief must have been written all over my face at that. Mam looked away like the parking lot was more interesting than what happened. Sean looked crestfallen, his eyebrows up to his hairline in disbelief, and the amazon, with a smug smirk, looked back at him. I broke the awful spell by saying to me, Mam, "Welp, let's be off, shall we?" and she smiled and picked up the box and was out of her chair like a fire had been set under her.

As we pulled out, Sean was still on one knee arguing with his lady love as to why not? As we got to the street exit, we saw her get up, smooth her dress, and stalk off. He was still on one knee as people came out with their lunches to sit outside and enjoy the weather. I almost felt sorry for him, but I was more relieved than anything we wouldn't have him and HER living in our home. Of course, Mam would not have allowed that, I was sure. 

Three hours later, he appeared back home. He had bought three boxes of bakery goodies and was brewing coffee to go with them when I entered the kitchen and found him there. 

Naturally, I asked him how it went, knowing fully well it didn't.

"She left. I will never see 'er again." He sighed. Then, after a moment, he continued, "But not all wus lost I met a nice older couple who witnessed da whole ting, an' they bought me lunch and a latte to make me feel better."

I was annoyed he'd do that. It wasn't like he had this ongoing relationship with the amazon; for crying out loud, he just met her! I told him that was nervy to let that poor old pension couple spend their retirement money on him. He, for his part, saw nothing wrong with that. 

His arrogance and stupidity continue to make me wonder if long ago, when he fell off his bicycle tooling around the Mourne Mountains, it didn't impair his brain function. 

"I can't understand why she refused me. I had da impression she wus smitten."

"Ock! It was the onion ring you presented her wit. The strong, pungent smell of onion must have turned her off it did." It was all I could think to say. 

"You tink? Well, I taught it was ok, but now that I tink about it, maybe I insulted her. Good God, I need to goo find her and explain!"

That woke me up! I grabbed him as he was about to fly out the door.

"No, no, no!" I shouted. "She won't change her mind dat onion will stay wit her every time she sees ye. I know it would me."

How dumb was that? But I was in amuck sweat to keep him where he was and not off looking for her and actually finding her OR worse, bringing someone else home with an onion engagement ring!

I poured the coffee, flipped open the boxes, got plates, and threw eclairs on them, sliding one towards him and another towards me. There he sat, munching forlornly, sipping his hot coffee after each swallow, and I, wolfing down both goodies and coffee as if I was in a marathon race to consume as much of the stuff as I could to win a trophy for pigging out. I was stressed. Yes, I saw the look in his eyes, all set to find her. He'd be gone for days, maybe weeks, but I knew deep down he'd discover the amazon, and heaven forbid he should talk her into a change of heart. 

Later, when I told Mam this, she was all upset with me for not letting him go, even if I did get him to apologise for calling her "old thing."

"Ya gotta tink clearly dere Gabriel, he might have been gone fur years, and life fur us would be calm fur a change." She shook her head at me and left me wondering if her scenario would have panned out or mine. 

Sean is still here. He moons around like a dog who lost his best bone. I tell ya, if I could find another Amazon in Ireland, I'd do it and send him home to pursue her with every onion ring I can find. It's been awful watching the listlessness. He even refuses to eat or look at onions now. I know it is all for show. 

Gabe

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