17 April 2024
1112
R. Linda:
Yesterday there was a birthday in the house. Sean's. Yes, the miscreant be still with us. His birthday was a few days ago, but no one was available, including himself to celebrate it. So last night it got celebrated. Mam had ironed a special birthday tablecloth, complete with placemats and napkins. She decorated the table in birthday mode and even got coloured forks for the occasion.
I was getting ready to go off to work when Sean came in and asked me who the party table was for.
"You! You're the one with the birthday."
"Effft," he says and waves it all off and out the door he went.
Mam happened to come in behind him and overheard the "Effft" which didn't make her happy she went to all that trouble and his arse doesn't appreciate her time and effort on his behalf. I knew her feelings were slightly hurt, but she said she expected as much from "that one."
Last night Tonya was going to make Sean his favourite dish which is (and this will turn your stomach, it turns mine), Campbell's Cream of Chicken Soup, mixed with bits of cut-up chicken, Stove Top Stuffing Mix and topped off with cheddar cheese. You stick this concoction in the oven and serve it hot.
Tonya called Mam to tell her she was running late, and would Mam start the dinner. Now before this, me Mam had reluctantly baked Sean his favourite birthday cake, Funfetti Cake from a box with Funfetti icing from a can.
I had come home by the time of the phone call, so I knew about the request via me Mam. She informed me she would spring for three pizzas because, personally, she couldn't bring herself to prepare that disaster of a dinner and then be forced to eat it. I was with her. There is nothing more tasteless than that dried-out dish of Sean's. Besides, he loves pizza, so why not?
Shortly after the pizza order was put in, the eldest came home from work and overheard the order.
"What pizza again?" He whispered to me.
Seems he had pizza on Saturday and Sunday, and then again on Tuesday. The weekend, because he pet-sat a neighbour's animals and they had bought him two pizzas and he ate both. Then Tuesday at work they had Pizza Tuesday and he ate it again. Now he was having pizza for the fourth time.
"Don't get me wrong, Da. I love pizza, just not a straight diet of it."
Oh well.
So dinner came along with the pizza and Sean said nothing about how nice it was to have the pies, no he just ate one entire pie himself and Mam was a bit miffed, but said nothing.
Then cake time came and Tonya loaded the cake up with candles. I thought for a moment we would need the fire department. I must have looked rather shocked because Sean said in a whisper, "She loaded the cake up with candles, didn't she?"
"You could say that." I smiled brightly.
Well, the firey cake was placed in front of the birthday boy, and he somehow managed to blow out every single one of a hundred candles in one breath. Good for him, I guess.
Earlier in the day I had been working on a news blurb about what junk foods cause cancer and one of the, or more correctly, two of the items on the list were Funfetti cake and icing. This I had sent to Tonya thinking she might find the list helpful the next time she grocery shopped. She remembered the Funfetti and mentioned it to the entire table, that we should enjoy "the cancer cake" now because we weren't getting another, ever.
To which the kiddos picked up on this with every mouthful of cake they put in their cakehole remarking with, "Mmmm cancer cake, so good," or "Have another bite of your cancer cake, yum!"
The entire list was discussed with the eldest asking to look at the list which I texted to him and he proceeded to say:
"Trix Cereal, I'm dead. OH! Lucky Charms, I'm dead. Fruit Loops, I'm dead. Oreo Cookies, I'm really dead, uh oh Swedish Fish, I'm more than dead, M & M's -- DEAD!"
Everything on the list we buy. So we're all dead.
See here:
After some laughter and self-depreciation at their own dietary expense, Mam handed Sean his birthday presents from her. One was a cup that had Sean's favourite grocery store logo on it to which he was very happy and laughed over. The second, her "big" present was a Patagonia $399 water-proof jacket she thought would keep him dry and warm and she got it at a discount (still expensive, too expensive for Sean), and when he opened it he said, "What's this?" She told him, without telling him it was one of the finer and probably the finest piece of clothing he'd ever own. Was lost on him and her face fell. I felt so bad for her.
Tonya did pipe up and say, "Hey Sean, if you don't want any of that I'll take it." To which he said, she probably would anyway. Whatever that means.
But we aren't quite finished. There is a 30-year-old broom, a small decoration that hangs on a cupboard door. Guido had got up and rubbed up against it instead of pushing his chair in when Tonya mentioned taking caution with the broom because it was old, to which Sean said yeah, "It's your grandmother's and she won't be able to fly on it if you break it."
Well, that was it. Mam was now feeling hurt he was referring to her as a witch after all she did to try to give him a nice birthday. All I can say is that is Sean. Stupid and mindless, doesn't appreciate much and cares only for himself.
Tonya quick on the recovery said to Sean, "Oh, no, that old broom is MY broom, Mom has a deluxe version by the fireplace, don't you Mom? So Sean you be careful because Halloween we both gear up our brooms and well . . . you'd be a fine target in that new jacket that I'm going to take when you're not looking."
He laughed about it and we went back to the cancer cake. I noticed three of us didn't touch it. Sean had seconds and I think later thirds and fourths because most of that cake is gone.
I was told a few minutes ago, that the wee one (who isn't so wee anymore), caught Sean on a late-night raid of the cake and wagged his finger at him, admonishing that if Sean ate that whole thing, he should be mindful of what kind of cake he was consuming.
"And what be that little man?" Sean asked.
"Cancer cake Mr. Sean." And off to bed, the wee one went, having done his due diligence.
So there Sean! Eat that cake if you dare!
Gabe
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