The Linda Letters by Gabriel O'Sullivan: Queenie is not happy with some of her former charges

4 July 2018

917

R. Linda:

We seem to go through this directive occasionally (when the occasion warrants it and seems this is one of those times). So here we are once more! The following is an open letter to the new/old citizens of the Colony of New England (that includes all 50 states and territories).

Dear new/old citizens of the United Kingdom (that means you formally of the USA).

This message is from your Sovereign Majesty, the Queen of England, Elizabeth Regina (or as some of us affectionately refer to her as QE 2).

Not happy

In light of your failure to elect a competent President to lead you, guide you, and make you great again, the Mother of your country has been watching from afar, and as this is the last straw she can no longer abide, and therefore, has deemed it necessary to revoke your independence effective immediately since you cannot seem to lift yourselves out of the anachronistic quagmire you have created for yourselves.

Reaction to USA's Presidential election results

Her sovereign Majesty the Queen will thereby take up the reins to resume monarchical duties in all 50 states and territories except Oklahoma which the Queen does not fancy much.

Your new Prime Minister, the Right Honourable Theresa May, will appoint a Governor for the American Colony, thereby suspending any and all elections since your incompetency to elect anyone in authority seems misguided, and the need for guidance shall be the sole responsibility of the Monarchy. In addition, Congress and the Senate will be disbanded and Parliament shall address an appropriate member to represent your interests in Westminster.

The delightful Ms. May will teach us a thing or two

Because Americans have for over 200 years been butchering the Queen’s English a new rule shall apply.

Queen's reaction to American English of which there is no such thing

To aid in the transition back to British Crown (Imperatrix) rule, the following will take effect posthaste:

Utilising the best dictionary on earth, the Oxford English Dictionary, all words that are distinctly British and that were bastardised by the American tongue will revert back to their original spelling and pronunciation. Therefore, the letter 'u' will be reinstated in words such as colour, favour, labour, neighbour, flavour, honour, etc. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping letters and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the proper suffix '-ise'. Please note the word tissue will be pronounced in the British accent as tis-sue.

Learn to say the word jaguar properly: not Jag war, but Jag U wor. Just in case you should come to drive one at least you will be able to say what it is in proper Queen’s English.

For the word aluminium, you will need to check the pronunciation guide. And the word schedule is pronounced sheg ual. You will be amazed at how wrong you have been in your pronunciation. You will be expected to raise your vocabulary level to acceptable (look up vocabulary) by year's end.

Tea time will be re-instituted at 4 p.m. every day (so drop everything and have a nice hot cuppa) with the use of delicate English teacups (no mugs), saucers (a must and not to be mistaken for Frisbees), high-quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes. Napkins, please! No tucking into collars, napkins nicely placed on the lap. Strawberries with clotted cream (when in season) will be an added delight we are sure. A short course in Devon and Cornish cream tea customs will be instructed as time allows, so you get it right whichever method you prefer in slathering on the cream and jam which brings us to slathering, no more of that, a dollop will be the rule. You should get these differing rituals of tea right in order to call yourself a member of the British Colonial System.

Dressing us down over a proper English tea time

Lastly, you will learn to play the national pastime the real football, known to you as soccer and if you excel you may be tapped to learn rugby.

Those of you who play the boring game of baseball by eating processed junk meat encased in an intestine (commonly referred to as hot dogs) will be taught the top-notch game of cricket and given choices of blood sausage with Haggis to munch on while not in play.

You will call petrol by its proper name and discard the gross word ‘gasoline.’

And finally, the words to the My Country Tis of Thee are reversed back to God Save The Queen! The Queen is making it easy on you, just switching the words back to what they were.

If you have any questions, hold them. Parliament will distribute a questionnaire to aid your transition back to a British Crown dependency.

It is the Royal Hope that our Queen can pull you out of the mucky mess you have fallen into and redirect you all to a splendid time of lining the walkways to wave at horse-drawn carriages, to throw flora and fauna in the direction of splendid princes and princesses as they go clopping by, and to be exceedingly happy to be back in the royal fold once more.

God Save The Queen!

Welcome to the British Empire (again)!

BUT WAIT! There was another revocation hitting the books. Me sainted sissy Shelia, got THIS while visiting Dublin:

Regarding the Immediate Revocation of Independence for Southern Ireland (AKA The Republic).

A message of Import from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II.

To Whom It May Concern (which be all of you “down there”):

Because the Queen has seen from afar, the silly reactions to a little heat wave and melty roads, She has deemed it necessary that the Republicans cannot self-govern if a little thing like a heat wave sends them into distress.

Therefore, she deems it necessary that the Dáil be suspended and Parliament shall take over all governing responsibilities to reincorporate the South of Ireland into the North thus into the United Kingdom -- welcome to Brexit! The new Governor will be Colin Firth (he did such a wonderful job as King George VI the Queen would reward him with a permanent government position).

No more of this

All proper British Bitters will be referred to as beer. The black stuff will be referred to as the black stuff and all British beers will take preference over non-English brews.

All Irish hurling teams will disband and join Liverpool FC and learn the National Game of England to perfection, otherwise, they will be shipped to the new New England Colony (formally known as America) and be forced to learn to play the inferiour game of baseball.

All personal issues will be resolved by not using sticks, stones, shillelaghs, bricks and whatever else you may pick up off the pavement, by recourse of the Queen's Bench. Deep breathing exercises will be mandated for all with anger management problems, which is everybody.

The Domesday Book will replace the Book of Kells as land surveys are important to the Empire and pretty pictures . . . not so much.

The Garda Siochana will be replaced with the British Armed Forces (yes once again), and appropriate checkpoints will be erected (yes, once again).

Ceilidhs will be replaced with ballroom dancing.

In light of your dropping your ‘hs and the refusal to speak proper Queen’s English, we will closely supervise your learning to control your tongue so that all words with the letter ’h’ can be pronounced with the ‘h’ sound. Therefore ‘ting’ should be pronounced properly as thing, ‘Turdsday’ as Thursday, ‘tree’ as ‘three’, ‘Catlick’ as Catholic, and ‘cateedrill' as cathedral.

Saint Patrick's Day celebrations will be exported to the south of France (our Queen has a sense of humour).

Bye Bye 'wearing of the green'

And finally, tax collectors from Her Majesty’s Revenue and Customs Department will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of revenues due since December 29, 1937.

Yes indeed fill those coffers

In light of your joining the EU and using Euro currency, you will be reverting back to the pound sterling in no time and a part of Brexit. Yes, the fun begins!