07 March 2022
1064
R. Linda:
SO! And I mean that "so" in a frustrating tone of voice I do. It is bad enough that me mother-in-law can't see, she can't hear too! This has made FaceTime an adventure for both me and the wife.
The Dragon can't go a day she isn't FaceTiming her daughter, not on Tonya's phone, nor Apple Watch, no, no, no, on a tablet. I guess we need a bigger screen so we can see All of the Dragon ::: snicker.
Because WE are the ones being accused of mumbling or not speaking loud enough, my beyond frustrated spouse had the brilliant idea we three should learn sign language. OK then. I will admit I am not very good at it, but with a cheat sheet, I can do okay, without one, not so much and Bob's your uncle!
Anyway, I was in the kitchen, early in the morn, sipping me first cup of joe when the tablet came to life with a phone call. The wife had got the call and however her electronic genius works, transferred it to the tablet. The call was none other than mummy dearest. I hesitated but the screen flashed on and I was standing in front of it so no ducking or running out of the room, I was caught.
I almost spit out me joe when the Dragon's countenance appeared on the screen with a face mask of green goop on her face, her hair in rollers with a hairnet over that, and attired in a fluffy bathrobe which added 100 extra pounds to her already heavyweight.
"GOOD MORNING GABRIEL!" Her big voice boomed.
I nodded and tried to smile, but I could hear my face cracking so I stopped that.
"DID YOU SAY SOMETHING?" She asked loudly.
"Uh, no, no, just morning." I said, under me breath, "The sound was my face cracking." As I said that she cupped her ear and leaned toward the screen.
"WHAT WAS THAT?"
OMG here we go I thought, and I haven't had two sips of me joe. Where was Tonya? This was an exercise in driving me mad first thing in the morning and Tonya, of all people, should know that I am no good without 2 cups of joe and I need a Dragon-free morning to get any sense going.
"HERE LET'S TRY THIS," Dragon shouted at me as she moved her fingers around in sign language. "YOU JUST STAND THERE AND I'LL SIGN."
Oh good god here we go I thought. She signed something at me and waited for my response.
My brow was furrowed as I put my cup down and tried to reason what I thought she signed and how to sign back. Before I could do that, she signed again but in a more aggressive manner, her hands close to the camera.
I looked around for Tonya, and God Almighty knew where she was. How could she do this to me first thing in the morning? I didn't want to call her for fear Dragon would think I didn't know what SHE was signing at me. And in truth, I had no clue.
Her hands were wildly doing strange contortions on the screen and I saw the sign language booklet on the other side of the counter. I stretched meself over the counter and slid it to me. I slid my cup out of the way since it was getting cold and it must be steaming hot or homey don't drink it.
Rapidly thumbing through the booklet I thought I found a few hand signs and looked from the book to the hands on the screen and suddenly it dawned on me that the Dragon was cursing at me in sign language!
I shut the sound off on the tablet and just as I did that I started cursing at her because I knew she couldn't hear me, but my wife could! I looked up from the tablet to see Tonya standing in the doorway, her eyes wide in shock. What to do?
I stammered about her mother signing curses and told her to come look. She did but I could feel the tense, hostile energy being directed at me as she came around the kitchen counter and looked at the screen. Her angry expression faded as she caught the hands flying in the screenshot and with a sharp intake of breath she looked at me.
"Sounds off," I said, "she can't hear us and well, probably couldn't anyway."
"What is going on?" Tonya demanded of me. I explained as best I could and as I was explaining she would throw covet glances at the screen and the gestures, and every so often she'd take a sharp intake of breath like she was insulted and then look back at me, listening to what I was saying.
"You have got to believe me Ton," I said, "I did not start this, SHE DID."
Sighing in exasperation she turned the sound on and called her mother's name to get her attention.
"OH TONYA IS THAT YOU DEAR?" Mummy asks like nothing was the matter.
"IT IS!" Tonya answered back. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING CURSING AT GABE?"
"WHATEVER DO YOU MEAN? I WAS TELLING HIM TO GO GET YOU."
"UH NO MOM, YOU TOLD HIM HE WAS A HORSE'S ASS AND A NEAR DO WELL, A GOOD FOR NOTHING AND A DAMN FOOL."
"OH NO, I CERTAINLY DID NOT SAY THAT. JUST ASK HIM. I WAS TELLING HIM TO GET YOU."
"OK SHOW ME THAT AGAIN IN SIGNING," Tonya said.
Once again the Dragon started the signing that was cursing at me.
"MOM! MOM!" STOP!"
"WAS I DOING IT WRONG? LET ME LOOK AT MY BOOK." We could hear Dragon flipping pages as Tonya looked at me shaking her head like her mother had lost it. But I knew that from the start, so not news to me.
After the two of them started signing the same words together, I got a fresh cup of joe. As I was pouring a cup for Tonya (and thinking a splash of Jameson would be a good idea to go with it), Tonya started giggling. What was there to giggle about? I turned around with the cups and Tonya told me to look at her mother's hands.
They are arthritic and she can't bend a couple of her fingers on either hand. This makes motion to form sign words nearly impossible and what she does sign turns out to be not so nice.
I clicked off the sound and said to her daughter, "Tell her not to use signing in public. No telling what she might sign and how a person who knows signing might react to what she's signing."
This Tonya did and I don't know if it will stop the old Dragon from letting loose a barrage of mis-signs or not, because she told her daughter with more practice, she'd get better at it. Just needed someone with sign language experience to practice on. Oh boy!
Turns out Dragon thinks I would be the one to try signing with. We'd learn together she said, She'd even listen to my corrections. Right, and I be running for Prime Minister of England next. The whole idea of it made me think she knew what she was signing and getting away with it this time, she could get away with it numerous times, thus driving me into an institution for the criminally insane, because by the time she got through with me, I'd want to . . . well you know no more Dragon hands flying at me face.
That be how I started off my morning. Yes indeed, never a dull moment, and I know the bad dreams of flying cursing hands signing in me sleep be coming if I have to engage that woman numerous times in fake lessons in learning signing. The only resolve I had was when Tonya told me this: to look at it as a good thing, I'd get to curse right back at her not sit on me hands. Lovely.
Gabe
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