22 March 2011
379
379
R. Linda:
One of me readers sent me a list of Irish pickup lines they saw in an Irish newspaper. They were quite a bit incensed over them because they said in gist, as hard as the Irish try to put down distasteful tees, gifts, cards, and what have you that passes as Irish, things like 'the list' pop up in the most atrocious of places like our own Irish newspapers and magazines (and blogs). Another was upset with this as well and said, St. Patrick's Day is a free day in which non-Irish use it as an excuse to get drunk and pretend on that one day in particular to be 'Irish' and this makes the rest of us real Irish look like a race of drunks, stupid people, and dolts!
Well, yes it does, but what keeps us Irish be our ability to laugh at ourselves and enjoy the best sense of humour of any race on the planet. We may not like it when someone who isn't Irish puts us down, but when we do it to ourselves, well lad, raise a jar or two, we'll all join in!
Some would say we have no self-respect in doing this to ourselves and that we let the rest of the world in on the laugh at our expense, and this proves beyond a doubt we be a worthless and a bloody disgrace to our nationality. Well, there be no fun in THAT that's for sure. Anyway, I was sent the lines and I thought for some there would be a laugh out of putting them here for all to see and for the rest give 'em' a sneer or two and maybe a snort.
So, let's begin with the one from an unnamed Irish singer (this one has been around a very long time).
"Do you have any Irish in you? Would you like some more?"
Now really, the man must have been in his cups to even utter that but we are told it was probably uttered to a groupie and so it be the lay of the Irish land it be. Wee play on words there. So what be so bad about that? Well, it be alright for the one who uttered it, but for the rest of us? Uh, don't think so. Unless we were rock singers we might get away with it, but I can tell you me friend Scott said that to Rose that night at the pub, and got slapped for it, so I wouldn't try this one if I wasn't a rocker.
"Don't feed the troll, ignore it."
Em, here we are again along the same lines as the first. I don't know what brainiac came up with this one, but you can play this one of two ways. The first be, if someone says this referring to themselves, then you know they are calling their most private part by an ugly name and begorrah what self-respecting Irish woman wants to see small privates? Think about it, trolls be small after all they live under bridges. Okay, the other is if it be said about someone else, like the bloke sitting on her other side. This could be a nice Irish guy telling the lady that the man on the other side either be a troll or looks like one and she should not waste her time. Yes? Well, I've seen that too, I was sitting in a pub in London when Weasil was sitting on one side of an attractive young woman and me on the other, and I did utter those words to her in warning I did. Not that Weasil looks like a troll but he certainly acts like one.
"I am as happy as a leprechaun in a pot of gold!"
Really? This one is ejaculated when one wins the lottery you would think, but no it's when after a hard night of pub crawling a bloke finally has worn down some Irish Princess for a date and for this he high fives his friends as he follows her out the door. The problem with this be if she should overhear him . . . well God help him. I don't see the benefit in shouting this at the top of one's lungs while pointing at the retreating back of the 'catch' in a pub full of people. It just isn't nice. Now, I saw this done by Weasil in that very same London pub when the young woman I clued in that he was a troll for real, ignored me words because he looked so good. If that did not prove troll behaviour on his part, I don't know what would.
"Hi love, I have a job."
Now this one, I thought was rather ingenious. We all know the job rate be down in Ireland and the UK, and well, most everyone be living with Mam and Da until they can afford to be out on their own. So, with this in mind, most of the Irish single ladies know that it be not worth their trouble to date a jobless man. Now I heard this one in another pub, also with the Weasil who was bending himself out of shape over a pretty Irish lady who was ignoring him after she asked him what he did for a living. Well, at the time he was unmarried and a student. So instead of saying "student" he said, "No job," and he made it worse by following that up with a laugh. Well, he was not exactly sober enough to figure out the problem, until she turned her attention to Wolfie. She gave him the eye, he looked at her, then at Weasil, and he said over Weasil's head, "Hi love, I have a job." Well, there you go! Wolfie got her full undivided attention and Weasil? Well, he sat there sulking.
"How would you like to be buried with me ma?"
Oh, ye will cringe on that one, but if the girl of your dreams turns out not to be a dream but a wee bit o' a nightmare, you might try this. It works! When Wolfie got her attention (see previous pick-up line), he only did it to show up Weasil. Then he had to get rid of her so he said THAT and well, that did it. Sure fire line if ever there was one to turn a girl off. Yup.
"Come over to me place and I'll show you me Lucky Charms."
Really? We know we are back behind the zipper again. I don't understand what it be that men think this be a perfectly acceptable pickup line. But I have heard this one too! Just this St. Patty's Day, at that pub in Boston, some fool who had obviously been drinking since 8 a.m. said this to one of the wait staff. She was hardly thrilled, and when it didn't beguile her he tried it on a perfect stranger whose boyfriend happened to be stepping in behind her. Yes, he had a few choice words for the lucky charms he did. Oi!
"How would like to help get the Irish spring back in me step?"
Yes, it be getting more and more painful to hear this stuff. Again, same connotations as everything else except the job line and Irish proposal. I heard this uttered by the same individual who was told "I'll stuff your lucky charms down your throat you don't stop harassing me, girl!" He merely changed the lineup a little and for his trouble, some tart-tongued lass responded with, "Yer ma ever put that soap in yer mouth because if ye haven't tried it yet, I'll be happy to oblige ya." Ouch.
"Me lips are like the Blarney Stone. Kiss em' for good luck and the gift of gab."
Tacky. Very tacky. This was said by Weasil (who else would be so tackless?) and for his trouble he was rewarded with another pick-up line, "Well, ya caught me ya did. Now I can grant ye one wish, as long as it involves you disappear." Usually, the last word is sex, but in her case she wasn't interested. Sigh.
"I may not have four leaves, but if you kiss me, I'll bring ya luck!"
Oh and for sure. A lucky clover? Not the same as a shamrock. Sure, give away someone who isn't Irish. I've heard that one too, bandied about the pub on St. Patrick's Day.
"Well, lass we are the only ones still standing. How about a go?"
This takes balls, but I've heard it said as well. Me dear co-worker Scott actually said this at the end of me wedding he did. I was coming back in the restaurant to get Tonya's second bouquet she forgot and overheard this as I passed. I actually turned round to see who the woman was when I realised stupid was talking to me mother-in-law! I'll let you imagine for yourself what her reply was.
"Let's go out again so we can share a pot of gold."
Honestly that be so lame a line. Tequila gold maybe, but . . .
"You're wearing green, I'm wearing green, we have so much in common that we should get together and go out sometime."
Let me barf now. This too, I have overheard at the office of all places and it was not well received by the lass in question. No, her response was, "Ewww!" So don't use that one.
"Kiss me, I'm Irish!"
Oh and if we kissed everyone who SAID they were Irish, ladies, you will be kissing quite a few frogs none of them Irish princes. That line be used a lot and I still don't understand how the men who use it can't hear themselves sounding like fools.
"I thought St. Patrick rid Ireland of snakes, I see you have one in your pants."
I've heard a woman say this once. I hope not to hear it said again, because COME ON, it's the height of tack. And it's pickles, not snakes . . . or potatoes. LOL
Gabe
Copyright © 2011 All rights reserved
