03 June 2011
411
R. Linda:
Guess who I came home to last night? The Dragon-in-law! Yup. There she was ensconced in the middle of the sofa, and both boyos on either side hugged her like I was going to rip them away from her. Was I surprised to see her? Well, it was a shock since I had no clue she was coming. I was glad I didn't suffer from a weak heart or I'd be dead.
Seems Tonya "forgot" to tell me. FORGOT! How does someone forget their mother is coming? Yeah, sure she forgot. And why was she here? Because it was the first Friday in June and we know what that means. It means Gabriel's day off becomes Gabriel's day to doff a chauffeurs cap and drive the ladies to Kittery, Maine for Father's Day shopping AND (and this be the best), it is free doughnut day on top of this, so I can stop at every freaking Dunkin' Donuts for what? FREE DONUTS! It doesn't get any better than THAT! Oi.
So Friday at 10:30 (the ladies had some trouble getting it together. Mornings go that way, makeup, hair and then the question that keeps us where we are so long - what to wear! You'd think we were going to run into Sarah Palin or someone). So finally, finally, we get in the car, Dragon groaning about having to get into the Saturn and that it isn't a four-door. Yadda, yadda, yadda.
"Who buys cars like this with no doors?" She said crawling in (and you don't know how much I had to quell the urge to shove her large arse in the car).
"We do," I said, "I rather liked the sporty look since I can't afford a sports car." Yeah, I was smug about it, stupid me got told about being a responsible dad with two boyos and a wife and what was wrong with me that I was fueling, yes fueling, teenage fantasies, I had the girl, I had the kiddos, I had the house and best of all I had a cat. So what more could I ask for but my health. YUP. All this going on and she's half in, half out the car, taking the time to tell me off. GET IN THE CAR OLD WOMAN AND SHUT YOUR GOB! I didn't say that, I thought it though. AND teenage fantasies? GIVE ME A FREAKING BREAK!
So get this, yesterday we had tornado watches and warnings, and it was 99 degrees in the shade. Today it be in the 40s and the wind is blowing like it's October and the weatherman is saying on the telly, "Hey New Hampshire it's like spring out there!" Yeah, it's not. I don't get it, I truly don't but we did come out to the car and then pile back in the house for "outerwear" (yes, that's what the Dragon called it) and then piled back out in our "outerwear." So because it was chilly we all had our hoodies up. I didn't realise it until we were on the highway and the Dragon says from her perch in the backseat, "Good gravy, we look like the boys from the hood!" And she was right, we did, but I don't think the boys from the hood would be driving an economy Saturn do you? Oi, the woman! So we are not 15 minutes on the highway when deja-vue came back to kick me in my arse with this: "DO YOU have AIR CONDITIONING in this thing?" Dragon shouted at me as if there was a lot of noise and I couldn't hear. Oh, that I didn't wish for deafness.
"NO. You ask me that every year. Here I'll turn on the fan." I said flicking the switch and as I did that I could hear her groan with annoyance. What no AC? Geez, cheap bastard son-in-law.
To take the focus off the motor and meself, the wife asks me what kind of cake I want for Father's Day. Well, DUH TONYA! Everyone knows I be the king of chocoholics and I say to her, "Chocolate cake, chocolate filling and chocolate icing."
"OH, MY GOD!" Pipes up the voice from the backseat. "We'll all be chocolate hell, chocolated to death."
I be thinking she's a nutcase because she's not going to be here to eat it, she'll be celebrating the Mister's Father's Day in New Jersey. But then it started to eat at me, what if she wasn't and she AND the Mister were going to be up HERE with ME? I mean, it's possible, I wasn't told about HER arriving and now . . . something else to worry about. OI!
I was so into these horrible, horrible thoughts, that I didn't hear the noise being hurled in my direction from the backseat until she got herself to sitting forward and yelling in me ear, "Besides air conditioning in this rattle trap you need microphones back here to be heard!"
Oi, oi, oi, oi, oi!!! I almost hit a guard rail for the surprise of the booming voice in my ear!
I tried to ignore her, I truly did, but then I heard this strange sound so I glanced in me rear view and there she was combing her hair and the brush was raking the back of the upholstery. I was like WTF? I let it go, yes I did, I knew if I said anything I'd get my head handed to me, so . . . YES I BACKED DOWN. I was being a coward, but I was not in the mood.
We had several minutes of silence. That was the most pleasant part of me trip. Until, Dragon pipes up in the back and says, "Gabriel, you know we want to go only to Kittery, not that tri-state tour you always take us on. Or, more likely it is an excuse to visit that Dunkin' Donut Mecca in Salisbury, Massachusetts. I swear, you tack on two more hours in travel and all I see is highway and trees. There is nothing in this state to look at but TREES!"
Was she dissing the scenery? Yes, she was. I couldn't believe it. I wanted so bad to say, "Well Missy, down in Jersey all you have is cars, cars, and more cars, lots of ugly industrial city scenery, dirt and grim, women with big black raccoon eyes who look like harlots behind the wheels of cars looking for a pickup, and every guy looks like a Guido with the wife beater Ts and the gold chains. I didn't say a word, but I thought it.
We went maybe two miles before I got fingers jabbing me in the shoulder and she said loudly to me, "YOU HAVE ANY WINDOW CLEANER? I can't see out the window it's got bug squash all over it, AND speaking of bugs you have a friend back here flying around."
It be times like this I want to crawl into my safe place in me mind and close the door, lock and bolt it. And never come out. Yes, I do. I just want to close down, shut down, just be GONE. If I could have turned around and swatted at her like I do the kiddos (who by the way can do a fine job of being out of my long-armed reach and in car seats no less) I would have done it!
I tried my best to ignore this, all the time biting me tongue to say something snappy like, "Oh so you can see the trees better?" while Tonya took up the slack and then all hell broke loose. I was driving along, the two of them after the bug, when WHAP on me head the Dragon strikes me with a rolled-up colouring book. It hurt and her excuse was the bug had landed on my head. Right, it did. NOT! It was just an excuse to batter her son-in-law. THEN, she had the nerve to ask me WHY I was driving all over the road. Well, duh! You try concentrating on where you are going when suddenly out of nowhere you are whomped on the head with a colouring book!
I don't know how I made my way to the tolls just before Maine, but I did. As I am slowing down Dragon asks me if I need money for tolls. I have an Easy Pass and we go through this every year. I don't need the money, the thingie scans the thingie in me window and off we go, but no, she asks anyway. So I said, "Yeah I need $5.00 in quarters. They don't take bills in New Hampshire."
"Huh? What do you mean they can't count a five-dollar bill?" She throws at me shaking her head at the poor mathematically challenged toll takers of New Hampshire, they have to spend their time counting quarters and then one day they might recognise a five-dollar bill. Then it hits her, "$5.00? That's a lot." Well duh! All the signs say 75 cents but no, we are too busy counting out quarters in the backseat to see the signs!
The wife said nothing, just sat there shaking her head. Neither of us said anything at the sound of the purse opening and change being counted out. I was smiling like a Cheshire Cat at the thought she was actually counting out five dollars in quarters! Until the wife went and spoiled it and told her to put it away, "Gabriel has a pass so we don't need that, but thank you, Mom."
"But he said . . ."
"Don't listen to him, Mom, he's just having fun with you."
That was a good way of putting it. And I almost hit the toll booth because the next thing she's hit me again on the back of the head with the colouring book!
I can see the bridge in the distance, there were two of them. One goes straight to Kittery the other one past the nuclear sub the Albacore. I have been on both, but knew to go to the Kittery one, though the other one is unsafe but declared "safe" until it, and what motors are on it, fall into the river. Anyway, I was hard-pressed to accidentally on purpose take the wrong bridge so we could roll over it twice. I didn't, though I wanted to. I know Dragon has a fear of heights, especially bridges, so I said nothing, instead I was enjoying the thought of being in the outermost lane next to the water, just for her. And this I did easily because she was preoccupied with Mr. Bug in the backseat. That poor colouring book is destroyed as a result of her hitting me over the head and the missed swipes at the bug.
We were almost to the centre of the bridge when she noticed with an, "Oh my God! Quick Gabriel get to the middle lane!"
"I can't Mother Abdullah, we are in close traffic, and it isn't legal to cross lanes on a bridge," quips I.
"Gabriel, if you value your life at all and want to see another day, you'll get this rattle trap in the other lane NOW!"
I couldn't, we were in heavy traffic, so I put me blinker on just to appease her with no intention whatsoever of changing lanes, which I am sure the guy behind me wasn't too happy with. Just then Mr. Bug lighted on my dashboard. He was laughing, I know he was, he was sitting there preening his wings and laughing and if he could high-five me he would have. I rather was growing fond of the little fellow, he was able to outmanoeuvre the Dragon in the backseat and anyone that could do that was okay in my book until WHAP and he was a puddle of bug juice. The colouring book came out of nowhere between me and Tonya. I almost jumped the bridge rail for the shocking surprise that came out of the backseat. Tonya had grabbed hold of her throat in sudden reaction to the death of the bug. MY BEST BUGGY BUDDY DEAD! I actually said to the Dragon, "What did you do THAT for?"
I know, I know, a moment of losing it. But that's what the woman does to me! I hardly be sane when she's visiting. That I haven't ended up in prison for murder or worse being drugged for the rest of me life in a mental institution be this side of a miracle.
Meanwhile, in the backseat, she had flipped out a pad and pencil and was saying, "Note to self: Son-in-law has terrible bug complex. Thinks he'd like to be one."
My wife started laughing, yes she did. She sat there in the "death seat" (I did remind her of that) laughing. Yes, she found her mother funny. She's not funny, she's a pain in the butt, my butt.
So anyway, we got to Kittery and I didn't bother to ask, I just pulled right into 9 West. I know the drill by now. But guess what? No parking spaces. So I found one way down the street I did. Out I hopped, out hopped Ton and then we have the Dragon stuck in the backseat. Yup, stuck. I had to pull and Tonya had to get halfway in the back and push her mother's large self out. OH and horror of horrors, she forgot her handicap placard, SO we had to park way the hell down by Calvin Klein which is, way the hell down the other side of the avenue. HAHAHAHAHA!
Once out and grumbling about me and the motor AGAIN, she told me to find a Segway and bring her one.
"They don't have Segways hanging around for use," I noted.
"This is New Hampshire, they invented them!" She threw at me, Mrs. Know-It-All.
"Well, I have news for ya, we are in MAINE."
"Oh is this where that is? Well, since we are way down here, we might as well go see what Calvin Klein has."
Oi, the woman! So off we hobble, because that is what it was, me holding her up on one side, Tonya on the other. Once inside we were immediately descended upon by women AND men in dark-eye makeup, dressed in high-fashion black asking us if they could help us. I wanted to ask, WHAT ALL OF YOU? But I was too taken with the high voices and the black guyliner on the two guys among the fifty or so salesgirls. I did note we were the only three in the entire store, no wonder. Gotta make that sale!
I was virtually tongue-tied. I could not get over the two guys in the makeup. They were ever so helpful by me sitting down thinking to let the two shoppers shop while I waited to be called into service as the beast of burden. But I was wrong, these two went at it with each other ripping clothing out of each other's arms in the attempt that one of them just KNEW what I liked by the look of me.
"Not THAT pair of shorts boyfriend THAT pair, here give me them," the one said and came swishing over to me with a pair of pink and yellow striped long shorts and a tank top that said, "SURFS UP" on the front in neon pink with a yellow sun in the background. Oi! If I didn't know better I'd think Dragon had put them up to it. I was very suspicious when I saw the size. An XXXL. COME ON! My arse isn't THAT big!
I put up a hand and shook it no, no. He went back for something else and the other one came forward with brown long cargo shorts, a moss green t-shirt and a green and white checkered shirt for over it. I liked it, I know what you're thinking, but I did buy that outfit for meself. It was the right size and I probably would have bought it anyway because the other twit wasn't very nice to him or me with that XXXL size, not to mention the glaring OUTERWEAR. Sigh.
After my one and only big purchase of the day, we schlepped our way to 9 West where Yours Truly sat outside in the rather bracing breeze so as not to be caught dead in a woman's store doing what a man does in a woman's store, stands around holding outfits in one arm for them to try on and in the other, the rejects they don't want and then bungling around trying to find another size for them or putting back the rejects in the right section. No, no, I have learned, never ever go into a woman's clothing store, EVER!
From there we went to Banana Republic, The Gap (which they complained about the crap at the Gap), Chico's, to Coldwater Creek, but Dragon purposely kept Tonya from Ralph Lauren. OH MY GOD that was all I heard the entire day. Why aren't we going to Lauren? "Because Tonya, those clothes are so overpriced and you always buy the store out, and oh my gravy my knees hurt and I really don't want to wander around that store." Well, of course not. It's NOT AN OLD LADY STORE, that's why. Nothing for her to buy, and if she isn't buying something she's not happy, because it reminds her that her knees hurt. Yup.
Last up Old Navy. Yeah, the one with the scary mannequins in the front, the very same ones the farsighted Dragon had conversations with last year. Well, this year, the mannequin family had a DOG. As we came in Dragon took a double take without her glasses and stopped us and said aside so her lips weren't moving, "Oh look there's that nice family from last year and oh my gravy, they have their little Fido with them. Can you have dogs in a store?"
Ok that was enough for Tonya, "Put on your glasses Mom," she said pushing Dragon along, helping her put her glasses on (which she had on one of those chain things around her neck), but I didn't know they had left me, I had me face in my hands silently laughing and people were all looking at me standing in front of the mannequins laughing. I'm sorry I just am not good at this shopping with women.
What is it with women shoppers? They go through a store like gangbusters, then they stand in the middle of it, in everyone's way, blowing the hair out their faces and sighing, this done as if in a trance or deep, deep thought. We guys don't mess around, we get in, we get out, and we don't peruse the isles like we are in Tool Man Mecca and all taken with something. No, we know what we want and if it isn't there we don't stand in the middle of the store like it's going to arrive any minute.
I kept asking, "Are we finished?" Well, finally they moved forward to checkout, and me loaded down with discount duds. Then the quandary of two cashiers open and one man holding both sets of purchases. What to do? Rip me in two? Tonya had held my arm and was pulling me to one cashier and Dragon had my other arm and was pulling me towards the other. I was in PAIN! Finally, Dragon ripped her purchases from me and took off like a bat out of hell. She got checked out, while I sat on the floor rubbing my side from the bruising I got from the clothing being ripped from my grasp. The other one was looking over her huge pile for, "My husband was here a moment ago, I wonder where he went to? Oh, men!" Yeah right, look down at the poor beaten-up man on the floor why don't ya?
After this, I had the two of them in the car and had bungied my boot (trunk) together because I couldn't close it for the STUFF they bought. I needed a drink! This is the first time this has happened I actually needed a drink of something stronger than Dunk's coffee unless it had a shot of Jameson in it. So I be pulling out of one lot when Dragon sees The Le Gourmet Chef store and I am like NOOOOOOOOO we are not stopping there!!! Too bad because we were.
I sat outside AGAIN, while they went in and discussed all the new chef things and bought up spices they say they can't find in the local supermarket, yup. I hate this store in particular because the two of them always find some new appliance that weighs a ton for me to carry to the motor and then try to find a place to put it. After all, heaven forbid anything is put in the backseat where Dragon is sitting. I HATE THE KITCHEN STORE!
The woman was brutal, BRUTAL I tell ya! We had left Kittery and for some reason, the submarine Albacore was stuck in me mind and well, I went past it and over the bridge back into Maine, only I didn't go over the Kittery bridge I went over the damaged one, yes the one that's about to fall into the drink. And as I was doing it, I said out loud (and shouldn't have), "What am I doing?"
I somehow got us to Portsmouth to the Coat of Arms Tavern, a lovely and for the most part authentic English Pub, far away from Sarah Palin's bus tour in the other part of the city, oh yeah, I had a purpose. The Clash was playing on the sound system, then the Talking Heads, and the Police, all for my listening pleasure. It was like being back home. Even the newspapers were British. And nothing but British food and Brit beers, every beer imaginable from the UK was there! I was in beer heaven. I had to have at least ONE to take the edge off the Dragon sitting next to me, so I ordered a Belhaven Stout and it was sooo good. But this was an error on my part. I was still so absorbed in Dragon dissing history, that once again on the road, I kept on 95 South and as I went passed Exit 1 I knew, I FECKING KNEW I was in Massachusetts! Damn it I did it again, not the second time, or third time either! I kept me gob shut hoping no one noticed but ONE DID.
I ended up, and I really hate to admit this, on the Three State Tour. I could kick meself, I do this every year! And I heard about it for the entire year! I can't for the life of me keep my foot out of Massachusetts! We aren't near Massachusetts when we go to Kittery, but I get us there. I don't know how I do it, but I do. We end up at the same Dunkin' Donuts in Salisbury every year. I see Exit 1 and I know I need to turn around, but no, I go straight into Massachusetts to Exit 60 and then I turn around. Why? Probably because subconsciously I know there be a Dunkin Donuts at the turn light where you turn to go back.
"Gabe, where are you going? We are headed for Boston," Tonya said.
Lucky for me, the Dragon was in the backseat snoozing, yeah all that shopping just wore the poor dear out. So I felt I was in luck UNTIL I made it up off Exit 60 in Salisbury, Mass. and there in front of us at the stop light was the Dunkin' Donuts with the free donut sign plastered all over it. I just couldn't help meself the steering column just naturally turned into the donut place all on its own when suddenly this big booming voice in the backseat shouts, "I KNEW IT! YOU HAVE DRIVEN US INTO MASSACHUSETTS! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? OH, I SEE, FREE DONUTS. TONYA YOU HAVE TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT MR. ADVENTURE HERE."
Mr. Adventure? Well, they both thought that a good nickname for yours truly because that's what they are calling me. They won't stop. Dragon even said she's having t-shirts made up with my face plastered on them, with Mr. Adventure over the top and underneath the wording, "Annual tri-state tour." YUP. Nice huh?
Well, we finally got home. The entire drive was -- "Let's see, we were in Maine twice, New Hampshire twice, Massachusetts, once thank the gods, over two bridges for a total of four drives over and back, we missed the exit for Portsmouth because we were looking at an albatross, then we went to Dunkin' Donuts in Massachusetts because for some reason Gabe thinks the coffee is better there than HERE, and oh those poor little boys of yours will think they'll never see their mom and dad again" and "I'm surprised Mr. Adventure didn't go beer wild with all those British beers in that pub. And one sausage and a boatload of mashed potatoes, what kind of lunch is THAT? All that gravy on top -- a heart attack waiting to happen. And that music was filthy stuff. British funk rockers, oh my." Tonya did correct with, "No Mom, Punk rockers. British Punk Rockers."
"OH, no wonder," Dragon said, looking at me.
OH YEAH WAS A WONDERFUL TRIP. NOT, NOT, NOT!
I need me a nap, now that I've torn all my hair out, I'm exhausted, drained, worn out from all the ribbing I got and quite bald. Oi! I should feel sorry for meself, but I don't. I know better than to get roped into this first Friday in June shop till Gabriel drops day. I truly need to be someplace else. Oh, did I mention I have another one of those business trips coming up? Yup I do, it is take a breath and fly to Hamburg, Germany, then get on another plane the next day, take another breath and land in London for a day, then come home. Do not sightsee, do not enjoy yourself, just get the story and get home. What happened to the days of perks? When you got a few days to recover from jet lag, to sightsee, and take in the atmosphere of another country? Oh well, I wish this was planned for Father's Day. Not because I don't want to celebrate it with my family, but because I certainly don't want to celebrate it with Dragon. We know how that would go. I be off for some well-deserved kip.
Gabe
Copyright © 2011 All rights reserved
R. Linda:
Guess who I came home to last night? The Dragon-in-law! Yup. There she was ensconced in the middle of the sofa, and both boyos on either side hugged her like I was going to rip them away from her. Was I surprised to see her? Well, it was a shock since I had no clue she was coming. I was glad I didn't suffer from a weak heart or I'd be dead.
Seems Tonya "forgot" to tell me. FORGOT! How does someone forget their mother is coming? Yeah, sure she forgot. And why was she here? Because it was the first Friday in June and we know what that means. It means Gabriel's day off becomes Gabriel's day to doff a chauffeurs cap and drive the ladies to Kittery, Maine for Father's Day shopping AND (and this be the best), it is free doughnut day on top of this, so I can stop at every freaking Dunkin' Donuts for what? FREE DONUTS! It doesn't get any better than THAT! Oi.
So Friday at 10:30 (the ladies had some trouble getting it together. Mornings go that way, makeup, hair and then the question that keeps us where we are so long - what to wear! You'd think we were going to run into Sarah Palin or someone). So finally, finally, we get in the car, Dragon groaning about having to get into the Saturn and that it isn't a four-door. Yadda, yadda, yadda.
"Who buys cars like this with no doors?" She said crawling in (and you don't know how much I had to quell the urge to shove her large arse in the car).
"We do," I said, "I rather liked the sporty look since I can't afford a sports car." Yeah, I was smug about it, stupid me got told about being a responsible dad with two boyos and a wife and what was wrong with me that I was fueling, yes fueling, teenage fantasies, I had the girl, I had the kiddos, I had the house and best of all I had a cat. So what more could I ask for but my health. YUP. All this going on and she's half in, half out the car, taking the time to tell me off. GET IN THE CAR OLD WOMAN AND SHUT YOUR GOB! I didn't say that, I thought it though. AND teenage fantasies? GIVE ME A FREAKING BREAK!
So get this, yesterday we had tornado watches and warnings, and it was 99 degrees in the shade. Today it be in the 40s and the wind is blowing like it's October and the weatherman is saying on the telly, "Hey New Hampshire it's like spring out there!" Yeah, it's not. I don't get it, I truly don't but we did come out to the car and then pile back in the house for "outerwear" (yes, that's what the Dragon called it) and then piled back out in our "outerwear." So because it was chilly we all had our hoodies up. I didn't realise it until we were on the highway and the Dragon says from her perch in the backseat, "Good gravy, we look like the boys from the hood!" And she was right, we did, but I don't think the boys from the hood would be driving an economy Saturn do you? Oi, the woman! So we are not 15 minutes on the highway when deja-vue came back to kick me in my arse with this: "DO YOU have AIR CONDITIONING in this thing?" Dragon shouted at me as if there was a lot of noise and I couldn't hear. Oh, that I didn't wish for deafness.
"NO. You ask me that every year. Here I'll turn on the fan." I said flicking the switch and as I did that I could hear her groan with annoyance. What no AC? Geez, cheap bastard son-in-law.
To take the focus off the motor and meself, the wife asks me what kind of cake I want for Father's Day. Well, DUH TONYA! Everyone knows I be the king of chocoholics and I say to her, "Chocolate cake, chocolate filling and chocolate icing."
"OH, MY GOD!" Pipes up the voice from the backseat. "We'll all be chocolate hell, chocolated to death."
I be thinking she's a nutcase because she's not going to be here to eat it, she'll be celebrating the Mister's Father's Day in New Jersey. But then it started to eat at me, what if she wasn't and she AND the Mister were going to be up HERE with ME? I mean, it's possible, I wasn't told about HER arriving and now . . . something else to worry about. OI!
I was so into these horrible, horrible thoughts, that I didn't hear the noise being hurled in my direction from the backseat until she got herself to sitting forward and yelling in me ear, "Besides air conditioning in this rattle trap you need microphones back here to be heard!"
Oi, oi, oi, oi, oi!!! I almost hit a guard rail for the surprise of the booming voice in my ear!
I tried to ignore her, I truly did, but then I heard this strange sound so I glanced in me rear view and there she was combing her hair and the brush was raking the back of the upholstery. I was like WTF? I let it go, yes I did, I knew if I said anything I'd get my head handed to me, so . . . YES I BACKED DOWN. I was being a coward, but I was not in the mood.
We had several minutes of silence. That was the most pleasant part of me trip. Until, Dragon pipes up in the back and says, "Gabriel, you know we want to go only to Kittery, not that tri-state tour you always take us on. Or, more likely it is an excuse to visit that Dunkin' Donut Mecca in Salisbury, Massachusetts. I swear, you tack on two more hours in travel and all I see is highway and trees. There is nothing in this state to look at but TREES!"
Was she dissing the scenery? Yes, she was. I couldn't believe it. I wanted so bad to say, "Well Missy, down in Jersey all you have is cars, cars, and more cars, lots of ugly industrial city scenery, dirt and grim, women with big black raccoon eyes who look like harlots behind the wheels of cars looking for a pickup, and every guy looks like a Guido with the wife beater Ts and the gold chains. I didn't say a word, but I thought it.
We went maybe two miles before I got fingers jabbing me in the shoulder and she said loudly to me, "YOU HAVE ANY WINDOW CLEANER? I can't see out the window it's got bug squash all over it, AND speaking of bugs you have a friend back here flying around."
It be times like this I want to crawl into my safe place in me mind and close the door, lock and bolt it. And never come out. Yes, I do. I just want to close down, shut down, just be GONE. If I could have turned around and swatted at her like I do the kiddos (who by the way can do a fine job of being out of my long-armed reach and in car seats no less) I would have done it!
I tried my best to ignore this, all the time biting me tongue to say something snappy like, "Oh so you can see the trees better?" while Tonya took up the slack and then all hell broke loose. I was driving along, the two of them after the bug, when WHAP on me head the Dragon strikes me with a rolled-up colouring book. It hurt and her excuse was the bug had landed on my head. Right, it did. NOT! It was just an excuse to batter her son-in-law. THEN, she had the nerve to ask me WHY I was driving all over the road. Well, duh! You try concentrating on where you are going when suddenly out of nowhere you are whomped on the head with a colouring book!
I don't know how I made my way to the tolls just before Maine, but I did. As I am slowing down Dragon asks me if I need money for tolls. I have an Easy Pass and we go through this every year. I don't need the money, the thingie scans the thingie in me window and off we go, but no, she asks anyway. So I said, "Yeah I need $5.00 in quarters. They don't take bills in New Hampshire."
"Huh? What do you mean they can't count a five-dollar bill?" She throws at me shaking her head at the poor mathematically challenged toll takers of New Hampshire, they have to spend their time counting quarters and then one day they might recognise a five-dollar bill. Then it hits her, "$5.00? That's a lot." Well duh! All the signs say 75 cents but no, we are too busy counting out quarters in the backseat to see the signs!
The wife said nothing, just sat there shaking her head. Neither of us said anything at the sound of the purse opening and change being counted out. I was smiling like a Cheshire Cat at the thought she was actually counting out five dollars in quarters! Until the wife went and spoiled it and told her to put it away, "Gabriel has a pass so we don't need that, but thank you, Mom."
"But he said . . ."
"Don't listen to him, Mom, he's just having fun with you."
That was a good way of putting it. And I almost hit the toll booth because the next thing she's hit me again on the back of the head with the colouring book!
I can see the bridge in the distance, there were two of them. One goes straight to Kittery the other one past the nuclear sub the Albacore. I have been on both, but knew to go to the Kittery one, though the other one is unsafe but declared "safe" until it, and what motors are on it, fall into the river. Anyway, I was hard-pressed to accidentally on purpose take the wrong bridge so we could roll over it twice. I didn't, though I wanted to. I know Dragon has a fear of heights, especially bridges, so I said nothing, instead I was enjoying the thought of being in the outermost lane next to the water, just for her. And this I did easily because she was preoccupied with Mr. Bug in the backseat. That poor colouring book is destroyed as a result of her hitting me over the head and the missed swipes at the bug.
We were almost to the centre of the bridge when she noticed with an, "Oh my God! Quick Gabriel get to the middle lane!"
"I can't Mother Abdullah, we are in close traffic, and it isn't legal to cross lanes on a bridge," quips I.
"Gabriel, if you value your life at all and want to see another day, you'll get this rattle trap in the other lane NOW!"
I couldn't, we were in heavy traffic, so I put me blinker on just to appease her with no intention whatsoever of changing lanes, which I am sure the guy behind me wasn't too happy with. Just then Mr. Bug lighted on my dashboard. He was laughing, I know he was, he was sitting there preening his wings and laughing and if he could high-five me he would have. I rather was growing fond of the little fellow, he was able to outmanoeuvre the Dragon in the backseat and anyone that could do that was okay in my book until WHAP and he was a puddle of bug juice. The colouring book came out of nowhere between me and Tonya. I almost jumped the bridge rail for the shocking surprise that came out of the backseat. Tonya had grabbed hold of her throat in sudden reaction to the death of the bug. MY BEST BUGGY BUDDY DEAD! I actually said to the Dragon, "What did you do THAT for?"
I know, I know, a moment of losing it. But that's what the woman does to me! I hardly be sane when she's visiting. That I haven't ended up in prison for murder or worse being drugged for the rest of me life in a mental institution be this side of a miracle.
Meanwhile, in the backseat, she had flipped out a pad and pencil and was saying, "Note to self: Son-in-law has terrible bug complex. Thinks he'd like to be one."
My wife started laughing, yes she did. She sat there in the "death seat" (I did remind her of that) laughing. Yes, she found her mother funny. She's not funny, she's a pain in the butt, my butt.
So anyway, we got to Kittery and I didn't bother to ask, I just pulled right into 9 West. I know the drill by now. But guess what? No parking spaces. So I found one way down the street I did. Out I hopped, out hopped Ton and then we have the Dragon stuck in the backseat. Yup, stuck. I had to pull and Tonya had to get halfway in the back and push her mother's large self out. OH and horror of horrors, she forgot her handicap placard, SO we had to park way the hell down by Calvin Klein which is, way the hell down the other side of the avenue. HAHAHAHAHA!
Once out and grumbling about me and the motor AGAIN, she told me to find a Segway and bring her one.
"They don't have Segways hanging around for use," I noted.
"This is New Hampshire, they invented them!" She threw at me, Mrs. Know-It-All.
"Well, I have news for ya, we are in MAINE."
"Oh is this where that is? Well, since we are way down here, we might as well go see what Calvin Klein has."
Oi, the woman! So off we hobble, because that is what it was, me holding her up on one side, Tonya on the other. Once inside we were immediately descended upon by women AND men in dark-eye makeup, dressed in high-fashion black asking us if they could help us. I wanted to ask, WHAT ALL OF YOU? But I was too taken with the high voices and the black guyliner on the two guys among the fifty or so salesgirls. I did note we were the only three in the entire store, no wonder. Gotta make that sale!
I was virtually tongue-tied. I could not get over the two guys in the makeup. They were ever so helpful by me sitting down thinking to let the two shoppers shop while I waited to be called into service as the beast of burden. But I was wrong, these two went at it with each other ripping clothing out of each other's arms in the attempt that one of them just KNEW what I liked by the look of me.
"Not THAT pair of shorts boyfriend THAT pair, here give me them," the one said and came swishing over to me with a pair of pink and yellow striped long shorts and a tank top that said, "SURFS UP" on the front in neon pink with a yellow sun in the background. Oi! If I didn't know better I'd think Dragon had put them up to it. I was very suspicious when I saw the size. An XXXL. COME ON! My arse isn't THAT big!
I put up a hand and shook it no, no. He went back for something else and the other one came forward with brown long cargo shorts, a moss green t-shirt and a green and white checkered shirt for over it. I liked it, I know what you're thinking, but I did buy that outfit for meself. It was the right size and I probably would have bought it anyway because the other twit wasn't very nice to him or me with that XXXL size, not to mention the glaring OUTERWEAR. Sigh.
After my one and only big purchase of the day, we schlepped our way to 9 West where Yours Truly sat outside in the rather bracing breeze so as not to be caught dead in a woman's store doing what a man does in a woman's store, stands around holding outfits in one arm for them to try on and in the other, the rejects they don't want and then bungling around trying to find another size for them or putting back the rejects in the right section. No, no, I have learned, never ever go into a woman's clothing store, EVER!
From there we went to Banana Republic, The Gap (which they complained about the crap at the Gap), Chico's, to Coldwater Creek, but Dragon purposely kept Tonya from Ralph Lauren. OH MY GOD that was all I heard the entire day. Why aren't we going to Lauren? "Because Tonya, those clothes are so overpriced and you always buy the store out, and oh my gravy my knees hurt and I really don't want to wander around that store." Well, of course not. It's NOT AN OLD LADY STORE, that's why. Nothing for her to buy, and if she isn't buying something she's not happy, because it reminds her that her knees hurt. Yup.
Last up Old Navy. Yeah, the one with the scary mannequins in the front, the very same ones the farsighted Dragon had conversations with last year. Well, this year, the mannequin family had a DOG. As we came in Dragon took a double take without her glasses and stopped us and said aside so her lips weren't moving, "Oh look there's that nice family from last year and oh my gravy, they have their little Fido with them. Can you have dogs in a store?"
Ok that was enough for Tonya, "Put on your glasses Mom," she said pushing Dragon along, helping her put her glasses on (which she had on one of those chain things around her neck), but I didn't know they had left me, I had me face in my hands silently laughing and people were all looking at me standing in front of the mannequins laughing. I'm sorry I just am not good at this shopping with women.
What is it with women shoppers? They go through a store like gangbusters, then they stand in the middle of it, in everyone's way, blowing the hair out their faces and sighing, this done as if in a trance or deep, deep thought. We guys don't mess around, we get in, we get out, and we don't peruse the isles like we are in Tool Man Mecca and all taken with something. No, we know what we want and if it isn't there we don't stand in the middle of the store like it's going to arrive any minute.
I kept asking, "Are we finished?" Well, finally they moved forward to checkout, and me loaded down with discount duds. Then the quandary of two cashiers open and one man holding both sets of purchases. What to do? Rip me in two? Tonya had held my arm and was pulling me to one cashier and Dragon had my other arm and was pulling me towards the other. I was in PAIN! Finally, Dragon ripped her purchases from me and took off like a bat out of hell. She got checked out, while I sat on the floor rubbing my side from the bruising I got from the clothing being ripped from my grasp. The other one was looking over her huge pile for, "My husband was here a moment ago, I wonder where he went to? Oh, men!" Yeah right, look down at the poor beaten-up man on the floor why don't ya?
After this, I had the two of them in the car and had bungied my boot (trunk) together because I couldn't close it for the STUFF they bought. I needed a drink! This is the first time this has happened I actually needed a drink of something stronger than Dunk's coffee unless it had a shot of Jameson in it. So I be pulling out of one lot when Dragon sees The Le Gourmet Chef store and I am like NOOOOOOOOO we are not stopping there!!! Too bad because we were.
I sat outside AGAIN, while they went in and discussed all the new chef things and bought up spices they say they can't find in the local supermarket, yup. I hate this store in particular because the two of them always find some new appliance that weighs a ton for me to carry to the motor and then try to find a place to put it. After all, heaven forbid anything is put in the backseat where Dragon is sitting. I HATE THE KITCHEN STORE!
The woman was brutal, BRUTAL I tell ya! We had left Kittery and for some reason, the submarine Albacore was stuck in me mind and well, I went past it and over the bridge back into Maine, only I didn't go over the Kittery bridge I went over the damaged one, yes the one that's about to fall into the drink. And as I was doing it, I said out loud (and shouldn't have), "What am I doing?"
That got the two out of shopper trance and oh my God you'd think I had done it all on purpose just to cross another high bridge knowing perfectly well Dragon "HATES, hates, hates, bridges especially ones that are not SAFE!" So then once over I had to turn around and OH MY GOD we had to go over it again! She kept pointing to the Kittery one way off in the distance, "WHY can't YOU go OVER that ONE?!" I didn't know how to get back to that ONE. I pointed the Albacore to her as we came over and back to New Hampshire thinking to get her mind off the bridge and she said, had the nerve to say, "I don't care about any albatross!" Albatross? Really? One of the first nuclear subs and she be calling it an albatross? I was indignant I was, but I was indignant inside me head because I knew not to say what I was thinking out loud.
I somehow got us to Portsmouth to the Coat of Arms Tavern, a lovely and for the most part authentic English Pub, far away from Sarah Palin's bus tour in the other part of the city, oh yeah, I had a purpose. The Clash was playing on the sound system, then the Talking Heads, and the Police, all for my listening pleasure. It was like being back home. Even the newspapers were British. And nothing but British food and Brit beers, every beer imaginable from the UK was there! I was in beer heaven. I had to have at least ONE to take the edge off the Dragon sitting next to me, so I ordered a Belhaven Stout and it was sooo good. But this was an error on my part. I was still so absorbed in Dragon dissing history, that once again on the road, I kept on 95 South and as I went passed Exit 1 I knew, I FECKING KNEW I was in Massachusetts! Damn it I did it again, not the second time, or third time either! I kept me gob shut hoping no one noticed but ONE DID.
I ended up, and I really hate to admit this, on the Three State Tour. I could kick meself, I do this every year! And I heard about it for the entire year! I can't for the life of me keep my foot out of Massachusetts! We aren't near Massachusetts when we go to Kittery, but I get us there. I don't know how I do it, but I do. We end up at the same Dunkin' Donuts in Salisbury every year. I see Exit 1 and I know I need to turn around, but no, I go straight into Massachusetts to Exit 60 and then I turn around. Why? Probably because subconsciously I know there be a Dunkin Donuts at the turn light where you turn to go back.
"Gabe, where are you going? We are headed for Boston," Tonya said.
Lucky for me, the Dragon was in the backseat snoozing, yeah all that shopping just wore the poor dear out. So I felt I was in luck UNTIL I made it up off Exit 60 in Salisbury, Mass. and there in front of us at the stop light was the Dunkin' Donuts with the free donut sign plastered all over it. I just couldn't help meself the steering column just naturally turned into the donut place all on its own when suddenly this big booming voice in the backseat shouts, "I KNEW IT! YOU HAVE DRIVEN US INTO MASSACHUSETTS! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? OH, I SEE, FREE DONUTS. TONYA YOU HAVE TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT MR. ADVENTURE HERE."
Mr. Adventure? Well, they both thought that a good nickname for yours truly because that's what they are calling me. They won't stop. Dragon even said she's having t-shirts made up with my face plastered on them, with Mr. Adventure over the top and underneath the wording, "Annual tri-state tour." YUP. Nice huh?
Well, we finally got home. The entire drive was -- "Let's see, we were in Maine twice, New Hampshire twice, Massachusetts, once thank the gods, over two bridges for a total of four drives over and back, we missed the exit for Portsmouth because we were looking at an albatross, then we went to Dunkin' Donuts in Massachusetts because for some reason Gabe thinks the coffee is better there than HERE, and oh those poor little boys of yours will think they'll never see their mom and dad again" and "I'm surprised Mr. Adventure didn't go beer wild with all those British beers in that pub. And one sausage and a boatload of mashed potatoes, what kind of lunch is THAT? All that gravy on top -- a heart attack waiting to happen. And that music was filthy stuff. British funk rockers, oh my." Tonya did correct with, "No Mom, Punk rockers. British Punk Rockers."
"OH, no wonder," Dragon said, looking at me.
OH YEAH WAS A WONDERFUL TRIP. NOT, NOT, NOT!
I need me a nap, now that I've torn all my hair out, I'm exhausted, drained, worn out from all the ribbing I got and quite bald. Oi! I should feel sorry for meself, but I don't. I know better than to get roped into this first Friday in June shop till Gabriel drops day. I truly need to be someplace else. Oh, did I mention I have another one of those business trips coming up? Yup I do, it is take a breath and fly to Hamburg, Germany, then get on another plane the next day, take another breath and land in London for a day, then come home. Do not sightsee, do not enjoy yourself, just get the story and get home. What happened to the days of perks? When you got a few days to recover from jet lag, to sightsee, and take in the atmosphere of another country? Oh well, I wish this was planned for Father's Day. Not because I don't want to celebrate it with my family, but because I certainly don't want to celebrate it with Dragon. We know how that would go. I be off for some well-deserved kip.
Gabe
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