21 May 2011
402
R. Linda:
So here it is another dream. Yesterday, I had a story come over me desk about a stolen horse. Ok, ok, you know up here we don't have the big city life like they do down in New York and points south, no we are considerably smaller, boring, and well yeah a lot of people still ride horses around here, so anything about a horse is news! It was the last thing I saw before I went home and for some reason, the story stayed with me. It was a story about an inept horse-napper and I had found it funny. So anyway, last night the rain was pounding on the roof and it just lulled me into a deep sleep but I remember some of it and it probably would have gone unremembered but I woke up laughing and woke the wife up who thought I had lost me mind.
In me dream I was out back by Lois's field, and I was pulling up weeds for some unknown reason, when I saw Weasil crouched to the ground running from tree to tree like a sneaky cartoon character hoping to go unnoticed by, I guess, me! He was being very cagey, and he had a large laundry bag AGAIN (no Nancy Pelosi inside I can assure you) and he was going to bag the miniature horse that was grazing in the field. I stood there watching him and sure enough, swoop and wee horsey bagged and slung over his shoulder and off he went.
I stood there scratching me head in wonder, but unlike in me waking life, instead of shouting, "Hey! Where ya think you're takin' that they're wee horsey?" I did nothing. Nope, I did not. Instead, I was trying to imagine the tall, skinny, blond kid trying to ride that thing. It seemed pretty funny at the time, him with his knees higher than his head as the poor mini horse tried to carry his long tall self around the field. The next thing I know I be sitting at me kitchen table and the wife be telling me someone stole Lois's mini horse. I knew somehow the police were out combing the neighbourhood and suddenly there be me wife had got the laptop and she was saying to me, "Gabe, I think I'd like to buy a miniature horse."
Yes, she said that! And I didn't blink. You know I would not be in favour of such a thing in me waking life. Why, where would we put it? And why would we want one? And me cleaning up after it? Oh no, no, no. But instead, yours truly said "OK." Tonya was clicking down Craig's List and suddenly she found one.
"Here's one just listed ten minutes ago," says she.
I thought it was just ten minutes ago, I watched Weasil steal Lois's mini horse and odd coincidence this be, when a knock on the door took me away from those thoughts to Lois standing on our doorstep telling Tonya, that the police located her wee horse on Craig's List and begorrah we'd never guess who stole him. Well, yes we would, or at least I would. Lois switched on our small telly in the kitchen that we don't really have in real life, and there it was, the judge on one side of the screen and Mr. Weasil on the other -- split screen excitement. It was obvious the judge was in the courtroom, but Weasil was in some holding room with a lot of other criminals sitting behind him. Weas was at a desk facing a camera, the judge was asking him questions and he was in his typical Weasilese answering.
It went something like this:
Judge: "You're charged with grand theft horse napping."
The criminals behind Weasil started to snicker.
Weasil: "Yuppers I am."
Judge: "You posted on Craig's List an ad for the horse YOU stole just 10 minutes after the horse was reported missing you know what I mean?" Judge shook his head in disbelief. "Stole from the same town you posted the animal to be available for sale. Who does that?"
Weasil pointed to himself and the criminals all snickered at his criminal ineptness. I was thinking they were laughing at YOU, your stupidity. Come on!
Judge: "You have to be the dumbest criminal I've come across. We didn't have to call Sherlock Holmes to figure out where the horse was and who had stolen it." The judge said, shaking his head.
Outright laughter from the inmates now, and who was laughing loudest? Weasil!
Judge: "Sir, I am going to order that you are not allowed to ride any horses, not to be allowed near a miniature horse, and uh . . . stay away from barns."
A voice off camera suddenly was heard in the courtroom.
"Gnarly judge, but my man there was not stealing any bitchin' horse, he was doing research on horse's asses."
It was the voice of Charlie Sheen, he was dressed as usual looking anything but professional.
"And you are?" The judge asked.
"I'm the Sheen Man, can't you see that? I'm representing that young scoundrel with tiger's blood running in his veins that you have locked up. I am telling you he did nothing wrong, you are misrepresenting a scientist at work."
"That is not a defence." The judge pointed out.
"It's a bitchin' defence and ya mess with Sheen ya get sheened and your face melts off ya troll. I'm here to violently defend Mr. Weasil through violent hatred."
"WHAT?" Thundered the judge, "I will have you put behind bars for insubordination in a court of law! What drugs are you on anyway? You stand there shifting from one foot to the other, what's going on?"
"Judge, the only drug I'm on is Charlie Sheen. I take a lot of Charlie Sheen."
The name seemed to ring a bell and the judge held his head in his hands trying to process. Then he looked up and said, "You are the insane maniac that was in my court before defending the indefensible. The case was the town of Peterborough against the nitwit who thought it was entirely acceptable to walk into someone's house and help himself to whatever was in the refrigerator and throw a party."
I jerked alert, why that was me, the someone Weasil thought it was perfectly fine to throw a party at me house and eat all me food! I snapped back to attention as the judge's voice proceeded.
"AND, if I am not mistaken, that nitwit is the same one that I am looking at on the split screen who YOU say was doing research on a miniature horse's ass. Is that correct?"
"Can you say wow?" Charlie said feigning he was impressed with the judge's memory. "He," Charlie pointed at Weasil, "totally snuck up on that horse like an F-18 and totally blew its mind. Zap in the bag," and Charlie laughed. "I have a witness for the defence your honour," and he pointed at me, who was sitting in the spectator's section. How I got there I dunno. But two burly police officers came and shuffled me unwillingly out of me seat to be sworn in and sit on the low bench below the judge's chair. Talk about intimidation.
"Weren't you the gnarly dude keeping guard so the Weasil dude could do scientific measurements on the pony's ass?" Charlie asked me.
I was stunned, I started to stutter, I didn't know what to say and as I sputtered away, Charlie continued.
"Wasn't it YOUR idea to fit the pony in a speedo?"
"Wha . . . what?" I gasped.
"Wasn't it you tried to embrace the pony, put both arms around it and hugged it violently while trying to fit that speedo over it's ass?"
"Huh?" I was taken aback.
"Buckle up Gabe and enjoy the ride, WASN'T that what you were thinking dude?" He further questioned me his voice dripping with accusation.
How is it I am always on the questioning end of Sheen? I sat there decidedly uncomfortable thinking what pervert would try to put a speedo on a horse? Then I realised it was ME because Charlie was having them all think that it was MY idea and was changing the whole stolen horse show to me being a pervert for a pony!
"I can see a visual photo of you, Gabe dude, you AND the pony, dude. $25 photo of you as you get off the ride, not the Charlie Sheen ride, no, no, dude, the Gabe and Pony Ride, digital Gabe, digital. A memory forever."
"Stoppp!" I shouted grossed out at me own image of what he put out there.
"Ya feast on the bones of loopy-eyed trolls and now you're putting speedos on ponies and think you can get my main dude," Charlie pointed over at Weasil who was sitting with his lower lip out and the convicts behind him were all riveted on watching Charlie defend the stupid horse stealing idiot, "sent up for your something he didn't do." Then he turned to the judge and said, "Winning, another great example of how I am winning and this loser is losing!" He pointed at me.
I twisted in me chair, I was near tears YES I WAS! But Charlie's words continued as I watched him walk around smoking a cigarette and blowing smoke at the judge and wondering how he was getting away with THAT.
"Can we focus on the case?" The judge asked him, waving the smoke out of his face.
"We can focus on things that matter judgey if all you've been is asleep for forty years," he gestured at the courtroom. "Funny how sleep rhymes with sheep." And he swung around and looked closely at me as if accusing me of well . . . think about it. "You know," he said to me.
Oh my God, I did know and I felt like a rabbit caught in a snare! I sank down in me seat, shaking me head from side to side, how could this be happening to ME!
"You're insane!" I shouted getting up and pointing to the cloud of smoke pacing before me.
"Here's the good news, Gabe dude, if I realise I'm insane, then I'm okay with it. I'm not dangerous insane, dude."
"What's that supposed to mean, I am?" I was furious.
Sheen shook his finger at me as he said, "Being in that field was a shameful train wreck, filled with blind cuddly puppies."
Now I was in trouble, blind cuddly puppies? What will he say I did to THEM?
"I have defeated this earthworm with my words Judge. Give him the maximum." Charlie finished suddenly sitting down exhaling a cloud of smoke, looking smug. Then he looked at the telly split screen, thumbs up and said to Weasil, "Duh, winning!"
"You're stupidity outweighs any mentally sound reasoning that YOU might think you have accomplished here in MY court Mr. Sheen. My suggestion is Weasil there," he waved his hand at the split screen, "get community service cleaning up horse manure at every barn in New Hampshire, and for this sicko," he waved his hand at ME, "he gets to wear a speedo on his head for a week to see how that feels and for YOU Charlie dude, you are never to plead a case before this court and as punishment for being so far OUT THERE," he waved as if to infinity, "YOU get two years in rehab without benefit of goddesses, mansions, tiger blood soda, CIGARETTES, and publicity!"
Charlie dropped his bottle of tiger's blood and his smoking cigarette hit the floor as he stood up, mouth gaping open in horror.
"No, publicity?" He stammered. "I can't process this."
The judge smiled dementedly down at him.
"You never will process it, so sit back and enjoy the show Charlie, like you tell everyone else."
"But . . . but I have a different brain, a different heart . . . I've got tiger's blood, man." Charlie mumbled.
"I have a tuxedo that's too small for me, so what?" The judge challenged. "And you," he pointed at me, "have a speedo that's too small for your head, so it's gonna hurt all that elastic encompassing your brain like a pimple ready to burst."
I was really grossed out now and feeling fearful. I appealed silently to Charlie, but he was too busy mumbling, "I so desperately wanted to be Mr. somebody, instead I was the little brother included to a point."
"That's it Charlie whine." The judge threw at him as he lit up a cigar.
I was totally entranced by all this as was the rest of the court but something on the split screen caught me eye. I looked closely to see that Weasil had slid under the table and disappeared. I looked over at Charlie who was also covertly watching the screen and Weasil's escape as he continued mumbling. WHY he had from a distance helped that young whippersnapper get away with yet another capper.
It was so typical, that I too started laughing in me sleep and that's what woke up me wife. I could still hear Charlie mumbling to the unsympathetic court, "I've got magic, I've got poetry at my fingertips. Most of the time, and this includes naps, I'm an F-18 bro, I will deploy my ordinance to the ground." When I thought about it, it wasn't all that funny, but at the time it seemed to be.
"Gabe, stop it go back to sleep," Tonya ordered as she rolled over, but I couldn't. I closed me eyes and Charlie was in me face triumphantly shouting, "Duh dude, WINNING!"
Oi!
Gabe
Copyright © 2011 All rights reserved
R. Linda:
So here it is another dream. Yesterday, I had a story come over me desk about a stolen horse. Ok, ok, you know up here we don't have the big city life like they do down in New York and points south, no we are considerably smaller, boring, and well yeah a lot of people still ride horses around here, so anything about a horse is news! It was the last thing I saw before I went home and for some reason, the story stayed with me. It was a story about an inept horse-napper and I had found it funny. So anyway, last night the rain was pounding on the roof and it just lulled me into a deep sleep but I remember some of it and it probably would have gone unremembered but I woke up laughing and woke the wife up who thought I had lost me mind.
In me dream I was out back by Lois's field, and I was pulling up weeds for some unknown reason, when I saw Weasil crouched to the ground running from tree to tree like a sneaky cartoon character hoping to go unnoticed by, I guess, me! He was being very cagey, and he had a large laundry bag AGAIN (no Nancy Pelosi inside I can assure you) and he was going to bag the miniature horse that was grazing in the field. I stood there watching him and sure enough, swoop and wee horsey bagged and slung over his shoulder and off he went.
I stood there scratching me head in wonder, but unlike in me waking life, instead of shouting, "Hey! Where ya think you're takin' that they're wee horsey?" I did nothing. Nope, I did not. Instead, I was trying to imagine the tall, skinny, blond kid trying to ride that thing. It seemed pretty funny at the time, him with his knees higher than his head as the poor mini horse tried to carry his long tall self around the field. The next thing I know I be sitting at me kitchen table and the wife be telling me someone stole Lois's mini horse. I knew somehow the police were out combing the neighbourhood and suddenly there be me wife had got the laptop and she was saying to me, "Gabe, I think I'd like to buy a miniature horse."
Yes, she said that! And I didn't blink. You know I would not be in favour of such a thing in me waking life. Why, where would we put it? And why would we want one? And me cleaning up after it? Oh no, no, no. But instead, yours truly said "OK." Tonya was clicking down Craig's List and suddenly she found one.
"Here's one just listed ten minutes ago," says she.
I thought it was just ten minutes ago, I watched Weasil steal Lois's mini horse and odd coincidence this be, when a knock on the door took me away from those thoughts to Lois standing on our doorstep telling Tonya, that the police located her wee horse on Craig's List and begorrah we'd never guess who stole him. Well, yes we would, or at least I would. Lois switched on our small telly in the kitchen that we don't really have in real life, and there it was, the judge on one side of the screen and Mr. Weasil on the other -- split screen excitement. It was obvious the judge was in the courtroom, but Weasil was in some holding room with a lot of other criminals sitting behind him. Weas was at a desk facing a camera, the judge was asking him questions and he was in his typical Weasilese answering.
It went something like this:
Judge: "You're charged with grand theft horse napping."
The criminals behind Weasil started to snicker.
Weasil: "Yuppers I am."
Judge: "You posted on Craig's List an ad for the horse YOU stole just 10 minutes after the horse was reported missing you know what I mean?" Judge shook his head in disbelief. "Stole from the same town you posted the animal to be available for sale. Who does that?"
Weasil pointed to himself and the criminals all snickered at his criminal ineptness. I was thinking they were laughing at YOU, your stupidity. Come on!
Judge: "You have to be the dumbest criminal I've come across. We didn't have to call Sherlock Holmes to figure out where the horse was and who had stolen it." The judge said, shaking his head.
Outright laughter from the inmates now, and who was laughing loudest? Weasil!
Judge: "Sir, I am going to order that you are not allowed to ride any horses, not to be allowed near a miniature horse, and uh . . . stay away from barns."
A voice off camera suddenly was heard in the courtroom.
"Gnarly judge, but my man there was not stealing any bitchin' horse, he was doing research on horse's asses."
It was the voice of Charlie Sheen, he was dressed as usual looking anything but professional.
"And you are?" The judge asked.
"I'm the Sheen Man, can't you see that? I'm representing that young scoundrel with tiger's blood running in his veins that you have locked up. I am telling you he did nothing wrong, you are misrepresenting a scientist at work."
"That is not a defence." The judge pointed out.
"It's a bitchin' defence and ya mess with Sheen ya get sheened and your face melts off ya troll. I'm here to violently defend Mr. Weasil through violent hatred."
"WHAT?" Thundered the judge, "I will have you put behind bars for insubordination in a court of law! What drugs are you on anyway? You stand there shifting from one foot to the other, what's going on?"
"Judge, the only drug I'm on is Charlie Sheen. I take a lot of Charlie Sheen."
The name seemed to ring a bell and the judge held his head in his hands trying to process. Then he looked up and said, "You are the insane maniac that was in my court before defending the indefensible. The case was the town of Peterborough against the nitwit who thought it was entirely acceptable to walk into someone's house and help himself to whatever was in the refrigerator and throw a party."
I jerked alert, why that was me, the someone Weasil thought it was perfectly fine to throw a party at me house and eat all me food! I snapped back to attention as the judge's voice proceeded.
"AND, if I am not mistaken, that nitwit is the same one that I am looking at on the split screen who YOU say was doing research on a miniature horse's ass. Is that correct?"
"Can you say wow?" Charlie said feigning he was impressed with the judge's memory. "He," Charlie pointed at Weasil, "totally snuck up on that horse like an F-18 and totally blew its mind. Zap in the bag," and Charlie laughed. "I have a witness for the defence your honour," and he pointed at me, who was sitting in the spectator's section. How I got there I dunno. But two burly police officers came and shuffled me unwillingly out of me seat to be sworn in and sit on the low bench below the judge's chair. Talk about intimidation.
"Weren't you the gnarly dude keeping guard so the Weasil dude could do scientific measurements on the pony's ass?" Charlie asked me.
I was stunned, I started to stutter, I didn't know what to say and as I sputtered away, Charlie continued.
"Wasn't it YOUR idea to fit the pony in a speedo?"
"Wha . . . what?" I gasped.
"Wasn't it you tried to embrace the pony, put both arms around it and hugged it violently while trying to fit that speedo over it's ass?"
"Huh?" I was taken aback.
"Buckle up Gabe and enjoy the ride, WASN'T that what you were thinking dude?" He further questioned me his voice dripping with accusation.
How is it I am always on the questioning end of Sheen? I sat there decidedly uncomfortable thinking what pervert would try to put a speedo on a horse? Then I realised it was ME because Charlie was having them all think that it was MY idea and was changing the whole stolen horse show to me being a pervert for a pony!
"I can see a visual photo of you, Gabe dude, you AND the pony, dude. $25 photo of you as you get off the ride, not the Charlie Sheen ride, no, no, dude, the Gabe and Pony Ride, digital Gabe, digital. A memory forever."
"Stoppp!" I shouted grossed out at me own image of what he put out there.
"Ya feast on the bones of loopy-eyed trolls and now you're putting speedos on ponies and think you can get my main dude," Charlie pointed over at Weasil who was sitting with his lower lip out and the convicts behind him were all riveted on watching Charlie defend the stupid horse stealing idiot, "sent up for your something he didn't do." Then he turned to the judge and said, "Winning, another great example of how I am winning and this loser is losing!" He pointed at me.
I twisted in me chair, I was near tears YES I WAS! But Charlie's words continued as I watched him walk around smoking a cigarette and blowing smoke at the judge and wondering how he was getting away with THAT.
"Can we focus on the case?" The judge asked him, waving the smoke out of his face.
"We can focus on things that matter judgey if all you've been is asleep for forty years," he gestured at the courtroom. "Funny how sleep rhymes with sheep." And he swung around and looked closely at me as if accusing me of well . . . think about it. "You know," he said to me.
Oh my God, I did know and I felt like a rabbit caught in a snare! I sank down in me seat, shaking me head from side to side, how could this be happening to ME!
"You're insane!" I shouted getting up and pointing to the cloud of smoke pacing before me.
"Here's the good news, Gabe dude, if I realise I'm insane, then I'm okay with it. I'm not dangerous insane, dude."
"What's that supposed to mean, I am?" I was furious.
Sheen shook his finger at me as he said, "Being in that field was a shameful train wreck, filled with blind cuddly puppies."
Now I was in trouble, blind cuddly puppies? What will he say I did to THEM?
"I have defeated this earthworm with my words Judge. Give him the maximum." Charlie finished suddenly sitting down exhaling a cloud of smoke, looking smug. Then he looked at the telly split screen, thumbs up and said to Weasil, "Duh, winning!"
"You're stupidity outweighs any mentally sound reasoning that YOU might think you have accomplished here in MY court Mr. Sheen. My suggestion is Weasil there," he waved his hand at the split screen, "get community service cleaning up horse manure at every barn in New Hampshire, and for this sicko," he waved his hand at ME, "he gets to wear a speedo on his head for a week to see how that feels and for YOU Charlie dude, you are never to plead a case before this court and as punishment for being so far OUT THERE," he waved as if to infinity, "YOU get two years in rehab without benefit of goddesses, mansions, tiger blood soda, CIGARETTES, and publicity!"
Charlie dropped his bottle of tiger's blood and his smoking cigarette hit the floor as he stood up, mouth gaping open in horror.
"No, publicity?" He stammered. "I can't process this."
The judge smiled dementedly down at him.
"You never will process it, so sit back and enjoy the show Charlie, like you tell everyone else."
"But . . . but I have a different brain, a different heart . . . I've got tiger's blood, man." Charlie mumbled.
"I have a tuxedo that's too small for me, so what?" The judge challenged. "And you," he pointed at me, "have a speedo that's too small for your head, so it's gonna hurt all that elastic encompassing your brain like a pimple ready to burst."
I was really grossed out now and feeling fearful. I appealed silently to Charlie, but he was too busy mumbling, "I so desperately wanted to be Mr. somebody, instead I was the little brother included to a point."
"That's it Charlie whine." The judge threw at him as he lit up a cigar.
I was totally entranced by all this as was the rest of the court but something on the split screen caught me eye. I looked closely to see that Weasil had slid under the table and disappeared. I looked over at Charlie who was also covertly watching the screen and Weasil's escape as he continued mumbling. WHY he had from a distance helped that young whippersnapper get away with yet another capper.
It was so typical, that I too started laughing in me sleep and that's what woke up me wife. I could still hear Charlie mumbling to the unsympathetic court, "I've got magic, I've got poetry at my fingertips. Most of the time, and this includes naps, I'm an F-18 bro, I will deploy my ordinance to the ground." When I thought about it, it wasn't all that funny, but at the time it seemed to be.
"Gabe, stop it go back to sleep," Tonya ordered as she rolled over, but I couldn't. I closed me eyes and Charlie was in me face triumphantly shouting, "Duh dude, WINNING!"
Oi!
Gabe
Copyright © 2011 All rights reserved
