WHO, JUST WHO, Would Do Such A Thing? I'll Tell Ya Who!

 17 July 2022

Story #1076

R. Linda:

It takes two to tango but three to tangle. I live in a crazy house, not always, but most of the time. I have three 'house guests' (I use that term as loosely as possible), and not everyone gets along. I have gone out and bought ladles and given each 'guest' one with the admonishment to "stir your pot gently if you must stir at all."

The first ladle was given to the Dragon Queen. She looked at it and said, "What? Is this your way of hinting you need me to go to the kitchen to fix something?"

The second went to Weasil, who said, "Hey, cool, I kin hit buggies wit dissy here."

The third went to me cousin Sean, who looked at it and said, "What's dis fur?"

And yes, I told them what I said above and left them all looking at their ladle with a furrowed brow, giving it some thought.

Each of them has told on the other like small kiddos. There have been shouting matches (something unheard of in me abode), almost fist-a-cuffs breaking out, or in Dragon's case, swinging her broom at offending heads.

That "threes a crowd" saying applies here as well. They never get into it as individuals; they team up. It is usually Dragon and her favourite boy, Weasil, against cousin Sean. I'd say the ringleader in all this is me mother-in-law. I swear she plans situations to start trouble.

Just Friday, Sean made sausage, onions, peppers, and potatoes in a pot. He shared this concoction on a sub roll. I will give it to Sean; he can cook junk and fast food like no one else. Well, it was all devoured but one helping. Sean put the leftovers in a small tub for the next day's snacking, and we all knew that last was Sean's.

WELL, yesterday around lunchtime, Sean went to the fridge and got his tub out with the idea of heating it up and feasting. He got a sub roll, slathered mustard on it, sprinkled a little salt and pepper and then opened the tub to pop it in the microwave. Well, sports fans, THIS be what Sean saw:

Who (in their right mind) does this?

Imagine the shock of it all. Everything is prepared, your jaws are salivating for a favourite food, and you open the tub. . . and . . . Well, someone has picked out the good bits!

WHO ON EARTH WOULD DO SUCH A THING?!

I'll tell you who, and it wasn't me! It was the diabolical Weasil, that's who. And he made no denial he did so. He was hungry at 3 a.m., had the munchies, and the smell of the delicious sausage (in particular) was still in the air, and you know the rest.

As you can imagine, this started a huge turmoil of words and curses thrown across the kitchen aisle. Finally, Tonya stepped in after hearing the shouting from upstairs. She was able to soothe the situation by telling Sean how wonderful his sausage concoction was, and it was a compliment that Weasil would sneak down and steal the leftovers, etc., etc., etc. Yeah, Sean's easy. Give him a compliment, and he'll be like a dog with a new bone.

She left the kitchen to resume bed-making upstairs, and who flies into the kitchen on her broom? You guessed it, the Dragon. At first, she said nothing, only assessed the situation as it now was. She went to the offending tub and looked down at it with disdain. Then she turned to Weasil and said, "I hope your stomach can handle all that congealed grease. That amount of grease will not do a body well."

"Wot you mean?" Weasil asked, rubbing his belly.

But before she could answer, the COOK got mad and started a tirade at Dragon's sense of what was suitable for someone and what was not. Further, his cooking far, far, far outweighed anything she'd cooked while she'd been at the abode. Furthermore, if Weasil gets sick it's his own bloody fault for taking something he KNEW he had no right to.

"An dis weasel parson, he shouldna be sticking his durty fingers in food bins, ye dunt no where day bin."

And so it began AGAIN, only the three of them shouting this time. I swear the woman is the biggest troublemaker in the house! I did try to get some words of reason in, but they fell on deaf shouting. It was Tonya once again who came downstairs to administer Tonya justice. 

There she stood like Gary Cooper (I know who he be from me Mam, I do) in the doorway, a dark shadow of doom looking through slit eyes at all three of them. She said in a loud but controlled voice, "You all are grounded from MY KITCHEN! This is MY HOUSE, MY KITCHEN, MY FOOD, SO OUT!!!"

Well, Sean threw the tub in the sink and went slamming out the backdoor. Weasil grinned at Dragon, and then, as quick as a light switch, he was doubled over, holding his stomach, groaning as he limped out of the room. Dragon? She just stood there, not moving.

"That goes for you too, Mom," Tonya said. "I can't get my work done with all this going on. I'd love you to get Guido to pick up his room while I run O'Hare to work." With that, she disappeared, and Dragon started to move in Guido's direction. The young laddie was on his tablet in the living room, ignoring all the confrontations. Well, not for long, Guid! She was on him like a bat out of hell to put that "stupid thing down and clean that room NOW!" And off they went, the prisoner sulking about how he was in the middle of a game and the jailer taking out her embarrassment on an almost innocent person. Guido is a handful sometimes and is far from the perfect child. That would be the wee one, the baby of the family who never seems to get caught. Sneaky and slick be the youngest, or just too smart to get caught?

Anyway, the dust has settled FOR NOW. 

Gabe

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