A Time That Should Be For Peace & Joy, But In This Case Stress & Frustration

27 December 2022

Story #1085

R. Linda:

Okay, is it me? OR, could the weather people in the U.K. have had too much Christmas cheer? This came up on me phone Christmas Day, and well, I read it and reread it because, well . . . 

Edinburgh was one of three locations where at least one flake of snow fell in Scotland, and another two were recorded in Northern Ireland. However, most areas were too mild to see snow. (Daily Mail)

So it is me conjecture that one snowflake somehow was spotted in Scotland, and if you read the rest, two more in Northern Ireland! Nowhere else in all of the U.K. was a snowflake seen. Either these weather people have the eyesight of hawks, or they were tipsy. I had nothing to drink of an alcoholic nature, so wasn't me.

Meanwhile, we were graced with the Dragon's presence the day after Christmas, and oh dear, things have not changed; no, they have not. 

The opening of more presents for the kiddos was excitement magnified threefold. They were hot to trot to the tree to tear into what Dragon and Big Tony brought them. We, adults, were warming the two New Jerseyans up in the kitchen with hot tea and coffee, thinking we could open presents once they were comfortable. The kiddos didn't care if they had frostbite! They pestered until finally, it was cousin Sean who said, "Let's get on, yeah?"

To which the Dragon turns around and says to him, "You made lasagna?"

While he was trying to figure out what she was asking him, I corralled the kiddos into the living room to open presents. Sean came in shortly after and asked me what was wrong with Dragon. She argued about how he made lasagna and where it was, and she'd like a bite. In my best Hercules Poirot accent, I told him that, in her case, "One can never hurry the little grey cells until she's had her cafe', c'est nase mon ami."

At that moment, there was the swoosh of the kitchen door opening, and a blast of frigid air hit us. We looked to see Sean's girlfriend, Kay Anne, greeting everyone with more presents in a shopping bag. Sean ran out to fetch the gifts and intercept Kay Anne, and as he did so, he introduced the girlfriend to Dragon and Big, which prompted the Dragon to exclaim, "Oh my, my, why would anyone name their child Cayenne?" 

OK

As she entered the living room, Mam whispered to me and Sean, "Everyone should be able to speak out -- except stupid." To which we got a chuckle. 

Tonya got her parents (with steaming cups) into the living room to watch the destruction of all those carefully wrapped presents. So here is a bit of Dragonese that we had to deal with during the loud kiddo excitement.

Kay Anne AKA Cayenne: "I got tickets to Circus Soleil for my parents when they go to Las Vegas." 

Dragon: "Tickets? You mean a subscription to Scientists Today, not tickets!" 

This somehow degenerated into a discussion on mushrooms in the imaginary lasagna. 

Dragon to Sean: "I call mushrooms the sea shells of the forest."

OK THEN, moving forever onward, the middle child had a slight cold and sneezed a few times. This went practically unnoticed until:

Tonya to Kay Anne: "I tried a charcuterie . .. " (that's as far as she got WHEN:)

Dragon: "It's gesundheit, dear; it's German for good health."

For some reason, this exchange confused Kay Anne, who knit her brow as she was the person Tonya had been talking with about creating a charcuterie board. She had caught on that Dragon wasn't all there (no one bothered to inform her Dragon's problem was her eyesight AND hearing). Dragon had interrupted their chat several times, prompting Kay Anne to lean over to Sean and whisper as she covertly pointed in the Dragon's direction, "A creepy jealous parasite?" To which he nodded. I know -- bad on all of us, it being Christmas, but you had to be there. Dragon relentlessly interrupted and corrected (what she thought needed it) words and conversations she was not involved in.

The night ended in a huge altercation of shouting and many "WHATs" being thrown about the place. Kay Anne, who will forever be known to us as Cayenne and her love Sean, left shortly after the gifts were exhausted. I wish I could have gone with them because what happened later was me Mam, going into reminisce mode, and with her heavy Irish accent and Dragon's poor hearing, became a lesson in exasperation.

There is no need to go into the gist of the conversations and subsequently shouted corrections; instead, I will list the offending words in ones, twos, or threes.

                   Mam                                                         Dragon

I went up the stare-kess to git cheengg              It is Staircase and Get Change

I had a pin in me back I did                                 A Pain in your back!

We were playin' da geem                                    Playing the Game

Have ye been compin'                                         Camping!

Da Poo-er went oot                                              The power went out!

It were Soderday                                                  It Was Saturday!

I asked wot da plon wuz                                       What the plan was!

I be on a boogit. I be                                             Budget

He poot da hosepipe in da phone box                 Put the hose in the phone booth

Don't even ask about that last.

I put me two pence in with this, "Cactus makes perfect." To which the Dragon looked narrowly at me, not sure if I said cactus or practice.  

Dragon's final frustration as she threw up her hands was this said by me sainted, apple-cheeked, grey-haired, dimpled little Mam, "Are ye getting yer brain ta work after all dis time?" and Dragon answered, "You crazy English people!" and left the room.

Yup, English people, which doesn't sit well when you are an Irish person. That makes me Mam, dig in more, and this week will be intolerable for yours truly.

Gabe

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