27 December 2022
1085
R. Linda:
Okay, is it me? OR, could the weather people in the U.K. have had a bit too much Christmas cheer? This came up on me phone Christmas Day and well, I read it and reread it because well . . .
Edinburgh was one of three locations where at least one flake of snow fell in Scotland and another two were recorded in Northern Ireland. However, most areas were too mild to see snow. (Daily Mail)
So it is my conjecture that one snowflake somehow was spotted in Scotland and if you read the rest, two more in Northern Ireland! Nowhere else in all of the U.K. was a snowflake seen. Either these weather people have the eyesight of hawks or they were really tipsy. I had nothing to drink of an alcoholic nature, so wasn't me.
Meanwhile, we were graced with the Dragon's presence the day after Christmas and oh dear, things have not changed there, no they have not.
The opening of more presents for the kiddos was excitement magnified threefold. They were hot to trot to the tree to tear into what Dragon and Big Tony brought them. We adults were warming the two New Jerseyans up in the kitchen with hot tea and coffee thinking we could open presents once they were comfortable. The kiddos didn't care if they had frostbite! They pestered and pestered until finally, it was cousin Sean who said, "Let's get on, yeah?"
To which the Dragon turns around and says to him, "You made lasagna?"
While he was trying to figure out what she was asking him, I was able to corral the kiddos into the living room for the opening of presents. Sean came in shortly after and asked me what was wrong with Dragon she was arguing with him that he made lasagna and where was it, she'd like a bite. I told him in my best Hercules Poirot accent that in her case, "One can never hurry the little grey cells until she's had her cafe', c'est nase mon ami."
It was at that moment there was the swoosh of the kitchen door opening and a blast of frigid air hit us. We looked to see Sean's girlfriend Kay Anne greeting everyone with more presents in a shopping bag. Sean ran out to fetch the gifts and intercept Kay Anne, and as he did so he introduced the girlfriend to Dragon and Big which prompted the Dragon to exclaim, "Oh my, my, why would anyone name their child Cayenne?"
OK
Mam whispered to me and Sean as she made her way into the living room, "Everyone should be able to speak out -- except stupid." To which we got a chuckle.
Tonya managed to get her parents (with steaming cups) into the living room to watch the destruction of all those carefully wrapped presents. So here is a bit of Dragonese that we had to deal with during the loud kiddo excitement.
Kay Anne AKA Cayenne - "I got, for my parents when they go to Las Vegas, tickets to Circus Soleil."
Dragon - "Tickets? You mean a subscription to Scientists Today not tickets!"
This somehow degenerated into a discussion on mushrooms in the imaginary lasagna.
Dragon to Sean - "You know, I call mushrooms the sea shells of the forest."
OK THEN, moving forever onward, the middle child had a slight cold and sneezed a few times. This was practically unnoticed until:
Tonya to Kay Anne - "I tried a charcuterie . .. " (that's as far as she got WHEN:)
Dragon - "It's gesundheit dear, it's German for good health."
This exchange for some reason confused Kay Anne who knitted her brow as she was the person Tonya had been talking with about creating a charcuterie board. She had caught on that Dragon wasn't all there (no one bothered to inform her Dragon's problem was her eyesight AND hearing). Dragon had interrupted their chat several times prompting Kay Anne to lean over to Sean and whisper as she covertly pointed in the Dragon's direction, "A creepy jealous parasite?" To which he nodded. I know -- bad on all of us, it being Christmas, but you had to be there. Dragon was relentless in interrupting and correcting (what she thought needed it) words and conversations she was not involved in.
The night ended in a huge altercation of shouting and a lot of "WHATs" being thrown about the place. Kay Anne who forevermore will be known to all of us as Cayenne and her love Sean, left shortly after the gifts were exhausted. I wish I could have gone with them because what happened later was me Mam going into reminisce mode and with her heavy Irish accent and Dragon's poor hearing became a lesson in exasperation.
There is no need to go into the gist of the conversations and subsequently shouted corrections, instead, I will just list the offending words in ones or twos or threes.
Mam Dragon
I went up the stare-kess to git cheengg It is Staircase and Get Change
I had a pin in me back I did A Pain in your back!
We were playin' da geem Playing the Game
Have ye been compin' Camping!
Da Poo-er went oot The power went out!
It were Soderday It Was Saturday!
I asked wot da plon wuz What the plan was!
I be on a boogit I be Budget
He poot da hosepipe in da phone box Put the hose in the phone booth
Don't even ask about that last.
I did put me two pence in with this, "Cactus makes perfect." To which the Dragon looked narrowly at me, not sure if I said cactus or practice.
Dragon's final frustration as she threw up her hands was this said by me sainted, apple-cheeked, grey-haired, dimpled little Mam, "Are ye getting yer brain ta work after all dis time?" and Dragon answered, "You crazy English people!" and left the room.
Yup, English people which doesn't sit well when you are an Irish people. That makes me Mam dig in more and this week will be intolerable for yours truly.
Gabe
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1 comment:
send the woman home! until she gets glasses and a hearing aid you are going to have this. and watch out for those single snow flakes! happy new year gabe.
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