No Smiles And Then Toilet Paper Par Excellence!

22 December 2022

Story #1084

R. Linda:

It has been a year that I hope ends in good health and good cheer all around. I know you've been dealing with health issues, as have I, but something has to give. Looking back on meself, I have chalked up 1 ambulance ride, 3 trips to the casualty or ER as they say here, 3 MRIs, 1 cat scan, and 1 ultra-sound along with the battalion of specialists, surgeons, doctors, nurses, EMT's, EMR's, and everyone in-between -- it's been a trip! What I need be a trip! A holiday on a tropical island, but when I mentioned that, I got looks! Yes, I did; LOOKS down the nose like, "Gabriel, are ye crazy? Think tropical diseases, scorpion bites, worse snake bites, and those giant spiders, among others."

I didn't say I was going to the Amazon jungle; I meant the Caribbean, some small island where I be waited on as I sunned meself on a sandy beach at a hotel. This said, just to get me mind off me woes and try to forget that on Thanksgiving, the oven decided not to work! Yes, R. Linda, Tonya had the bird stuffed and in the oven, and the heat wouldn't go past 225 degrees! Finally, after half an hour of "What to do", I readjusted the breakers down the basement, and the oven worked. So we ate a couple hours later, but we ate. 

I can't remember if I told you me first MRI experience was not pleasant. It started with Mindy, the nurse who came and fetched me from the waiting room. She must have been having a bad day or did not like me. Whatever the case, she had no smile for yours truly, no reassurance, notta. She told me I had to wear paper trousers since me jeans had a metal zipper. I did this in a dressing room with lockers. I saw no available lockers to put me clothes in and asked Mindy what to do with them. She told me to leave all on the chair and come back to the table outside for the rest of me sign in. I did this and noticed people going in to change as I sat outside, looking at the chair and folded trousers with surprise. They needed to sit down to put their clothing back on, and these pesky trousers were on the only chair in the room! 

Meanwhile, Mindy proceeded to poke me right arm with an IV needle and, when she wasn't satisfied with the vein in that arm, went for the left one. I felt a pincushion I did and completely forgot to ask if, NOW that someone had taken their things from one of the lockers, I could go in and take that one. So the jeans stayed on the chair as patient after patient came back to change. Sigh.

Once put in the MRI machine, I was asked what music I'd like, and I think I told you previously that I answered, "Anything but country." And what did I get? COUNTRY MUSIC. On me second trip to the MRI weeks later, guess who? Mindy again, this time acting like we were old friends. I was stymied as to this change in behaviour, but maybe she was having a better day, or she figured I was going to be a steady customer, OR she was back on her bipolar meds, so she should be nice. I wore sweats, so no need to go through the changing room fiasco a second time. 

So, now me right arm is useless. I can hardly get it over me head to comb me hair. A pinched nerve, possibly along with a slipped disk, is causing all me troubles. AND a new bout of PT coming. So that's me health news for the year's end. 

Meanwhile, after one of me many medical appointments, I stopped at a grocery store for a few things like Tylenol, Ibuprofen, prescription refills, and that sort of thing. I was in the checkout when, in the other aisle, a man had his little dog in a grocery cart. I know dogs should not be in grocery stores; it is illegal here, but no one said anything. The checker lady I had was a grumpy puss until she saw that dog in the cart. I had a few things, and she had checked two and then turned around and was sweet-talking the dog. The bagger (a grandmotherly type) smiled at me and whispered, "I hope you're not in a hurry," and angled her head at the checker and rolled her eyes. I smiled and mouthed, "What can you do?"

Well,  quite a lot, apparently, like informing the dog owner he was breaking the law since nowhere on that wee mutt did it say "service animal." Or, complaining loudly to the store manager, you weren't ever coming back because of the unsanitary dog in the store, and it was. The mutt was filthy. I thought for a second that the man had found the dog on the street, but no, it had an equally dirty toy carrot with it, and he was telling everyone within earshot what an excellent companion it was. But I did none of that; I just waited, and as the checker turned back towards me and those in the queue behind me, the grumpy puss face returned. She threw the rest of me medicines at the bagger, and I was done. I did wish the bagger a happy holiday since it was useless to expect the bah humbugger anything jolly and bright. 

The next day, I had another medical appointment, and Tonya was anxious to know how that went, so since it was her lunch break, we agreed to meet at a local bistro to discuss me next course of medical action. We had ordered over the phone earlier so she could be in and out and back to work. We had a lovely lunch because I had no news. No results were back, but I was doing better. At the table next to us was an older woman and two men. Because it was just us and them in the dining area at the time, we couldn't help but overhear the luncheon conversation. Seems this woman met these two on an online dating site. Neither knew the other, but somehow she had wrangled lunch with both of them, and here they were learning about each other, or as Tonya so rightly put it, having a rousing game of one-up-manship.

One was telling her his life as a commodore and how he invented something for the U.S. Navy, all top secret so he couldn't discuss it, and the other was a theatre actor who had acted on Broadway and all over the U.S. and Canada. My, my, my.

The commodore was dressed in a natty blue blazer with an anchor embroidered into the upper pocket, wore an ascot around his neck, and had a cap that looked like a modern-day captain's hat lying at his elbow on the table. The "actor" too had an ascot around his neck and was dressed rather flamboyantly in a maroon blazer and natty black trousers, with shoes so shiny I think one would call them tuxedo dress shoes, so both these gents went all out on the outward appearance. But something was off, and I couldn't pinpoint what that was.

The woman wore a myriad of brandy-coloured scarfs and a flared cape like an elegant, old-fashioned dowager from the 1930s. Her hair matched, and all I could think of was that she was completely beige from toe to top. I gleaned that she had (or so she said) lots of money. Now, why would you tell two complete strangers that, let alone us!

Well, it was entertaining watching the two men trying to outdo each other, and she giggled like a schoolgirl. I noticed lots of drinks being had, and what with appetisers, entrees, and dessert, the bill would be a big one! Tonya joked that the man who paid the bill and tip would win her heart. Well, not so fast. The bill came, and the old bird paid for it! No offer to help or leave the tip from the two gents, no, no, indeed.

Both walked her out, and we saw out the window that she chose the commodore over the actor. Yes, the actor left them for his car as they stood by hers talking. 

It all sounds cute and fuzzy, but I think Tonya was right; the "boys" were out for a scam. And why did she say this? As soon as the woman left, the actor came out of nowhere and met the commodore. Both of them acted like they knew each other and shared some laughs before they BOTH got into the actor's car and left. 

"Someone should warn her. It was obvious everything out of their mouths was lies. I never heard such hogwash in my life!" Tonya said. Well, there was no way to warn the woman; she was long gone, and really, what's the proof, just that they were laughing and left together, and what they told her sounded suspect to our eavesdropping ears? The woman wouldn't have believed it, I was certain. Oh well, as the Weasil would say.

That was the first time we had gone to the bistro. And I must say it was entertaining from beginning to end, not only the threesome thing, but the powder room was an experience, according to the wife. This place's toilet tissue or paper, as you say here, is in demand. See below:

Never seen anything like this before

A closer look

Wishing you and yours, as well as all the followers and readers, a very happy holiday! 

Gabe

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P.S. To me followers who have written privately, thank you very much for your good wishes.