The Linda Letters by Gabriel O'Sullivan: Small Town Election Day

09 March 2022

1065

R. Linda:

Well, well, well, well! I gotta tell ya, yesterday was Election Day in our little piece of the earth. On the ballot was a wetlands question that had the people in an uproar. There were vote yes signs, and vote no signs all over the place. More signs than usual. Even on the town's little online page were discussions (some heated) on this question of (in a nutshell) should the rural character of the town and its wetlands be preserved, where new codes would be instituted that you could not build close to any wetlands. The town can confiscate your property (BUT you still have to pay the taxes on it) if they deem the wetlands and rural character of the town are in violation. This comes from some bill passed for the Chesapeake Bay community which is nowhere near where my little hamlet is located. Whoever thought the rules and regs of the original plan were a good idea, did not adopt them to the town which cannot be compared to the Chesapeake Bay Area. ANYWAY, the neighsayers seemed a small number compared to the "yes sirs" that wrote about the bill on every internet page that had to do with our town. So it was this matter that drove people like me to get out and vote NO.

The people next door who are transplants from Massachusetts feigned they were on some board and this bill was not legal and blah blah blah. The wife of the man next door even emailed me to ask me how we were voting. Me wife got her hackles up that it was no one's business, so there! I said, "Ton, they are not for the bill." She didn't care it was the nerve of HER to ask who or what I was voting for. OK. I got it, Tonya be not a fan of the woman next door who is a story in herself. She be filled with plastic! Every time we meet up with them she asks Tonya if she is going to get botox treatments. Frankly, my wife has smooth skin and doesn't look a day over thirty (she is in her 40), so truly? She also told Tonya she should consider getting a boob lift like she did. The only problem be her boob lift was more than a lift she had silicone implants and has to be a 50DD. She looks like an upside-down pear. How she balances herself upright I have notta clue! Anyway, all these suggestions do not endear her plastic self to me wife. Add to that she flirts with yours truly all the time, and I try to be polite, but that irritates me wife too! So this had Tonya's feathers ruffled.

The other factor was me, Mam. Mam be now a new citizen and she can vote. This would be her second election. She has been chattering about voting and has been talking it up so much that the man on the other side of us (Sam), who is in his early 50s has decided to vote for the very first time in his life! He lost his wife two years ago to illness and has been rattling around in his big house not really knowing how to deal with life without her. Well, me Mam has a soft spot for lost puppies and has taken him under her wing. She has taught him how to cook for himself, how to do the laundry, and how to do the basic things so that he won't end up a hermit in a dirty house. He had told us several times, that she had rescued him from depression and been helping him get back into thinking about getting out and joining local clubs, and even gave him some pointers on dating. I tell ya the woman be something else.

Anyway, this fella has a problem, he is a wee bit autistic and he can't read very well. Mam got him in a book club of all things because the more he tries reading the better he'll be at it, so she says. He told me he was doing better but it is slow going and he has short-term memory problems on top of everything. Well, he asked Mam to go to the town hall with him and help register him to vote since he can't read very well and she agreed. The only problem was the Town Clerk was not in her office and the person there told them he could register the day of the voting.

Yesterday, we picked him up and went to the town hall. I have to tell you, it was an experience. As we pulled in there were the usual sign holders on either side of the school entrance with their placards waving and people smiling and some shouting, "Please vote Yes (or No)" and a couple of candidates were there as well holding signs with their names on it asking voters on the way in to please consider them for office.

It was the usual stuff you see on Election Day. We were crossing over when Sam got all macho on us. He saw the placards with a large NO printed on them and yelled out "NO! THAT'S HOW I'M VOTING!" and gave them the thumbs up as he strutted, yes R.Linda, strutted in manly fashion by them. I shook my head and had to laugh. As we got near the door a woman holding a placard said to Sam, "Please Vote for Debbie Spratz," and gave him a big smile to which he stopped and said to her, "No way, I'm voting for Dotzie Allen!" and with that walked passed her. I watched her look of shock as her smile faded away and she looked embarrassed, not quite knowing what to say or do. Poor thing WAS Debby Spratz and Sam had no clue! I tell ya.

Mam took Sam over to register (which he loudly announced to the entire room he was there to do) and basically helped read the application to him and that took an age. By the time they were finished Tonya and I had voted, chatted with locals we knew, and sat out in the hall waiting for at least 30 minutes.

"Ye tink me Mam will be allowed to read the ballot to em'?" I asked Tonya, me Irish accent thick because I had no cup of joe to sip while I waited.

She got up, peeked in, and came back telling me they were STILL at the registration table!

After 15 more minutes, she looked again and told me Mam was talking to a friend and Sam was telling someone in a loud voice he was voting NO on the wetland bill and was finally on his way to the voting booth to fill out his ballot.

"I don't think your mom is allowed to read the ballot to him. I think one of the board members would do that, but he is reading it on his own."

I thought, oh good then we will be here for another hour. There were no goodies or coffee tables like there usually are because it was a local election, mostly school board-related with a couple of environmental bills attached.

"Oh Gabe," Tonya said in a matter-of-fact voice, "don't be surprised if you get a call tomorrow from the board of elections. Your Mam and I wrote you in for Cemetery Trustee since there were no names listed."

I laughed. I thought she was fooling around. Yup I did, I even told her she was very funny.

This morning I woke to Mam reading off the results in the kitchen to Tonya (the boyos long gone to school), and Tonya and I were getting ready to head out to our respective jobs. Mam announced in a satisfied voice, THE NO vote won the day.

"Aw I hat to bee da one ta tell ye, Gabriel, ye only got 2 votes fer cemetery trustee, Luca Devoe got 2 more an you so he be da new trustee fer da dead."

Yes, me Mam has a way with words she does. I looked at the results she had up on her phone and sure enough, there was me name, an honourable mention! I thought they were kidding, but apparently, I dodged a bullet without even knowing I did. It is awful when you can't trust your own family to behave themselves.

I thought you'd get a kick out of the bunch below that came out to vote, by wandering around the signs gobbling to each other who to vote for.