Accidental Dumpster Diving

22 January 2021

1017

R. Linda:

The Queen has her annual Christmas message and so did mother-in-law Dragon. This be new on the Dragon's part, but with Covid-19 and not being able to visit, she's found a unique way to "see" us anyway -- via computer. 

After a longgg dissertation on the state of the Dragon family nation and how her next-door neighbour is a member of that new political party, the Re-Trumpians, she fell into entertainment news informing us she just heard Harrison Ford was due to start a fifth Indiana Jones movie and what on earth for? Was he using a cane instead of the whip? After that, she said the headlines from the Faroe Islands were concerning. For one I don't know where the Faroe Islands are, but I have heard of them. That she reads headlines from there was quite startling and I did bite and ask what the headlines were.

This: Striking new underwear traffic circle opening in the Faroe Islands.

I sat there speechless because THAT made no sense and without "interrogating" her as she calls me calling her out, I Googled the Faroe Islands to find the headline wasn't about underwear, it was underwater. Geez the woman! Here she had me with the profound image of people in their underwear running around a carriageway. 

But the part I liked the best was from her hubby Big Tony. Big had got a large trash dumpster because he was busy tearing out part of his basement to make a man cave. This of course was reduced to a she cave a few days after alerting Dragon of his intentions. To keep her happy he widened the area so he could make two rooms instead of one. He wasn't happy about his wife's proximity being so close to his man cave because wasn't that the idea of a man cave? Anyway, he started tearing out things and told Dragon she would have her she-cave a lot sooner if she'd help. 

                                                                        Said Dumpster

She set to cleaning out her section by throwing away boxes of junk she didn't want. The problem was she was short and the dumpster was tall. In order to get the trash in she used her noggin and got a step ladder of sorts and set it up next to the dumpster on the uneven ground. The dumpster had just been delivered so there was nothing inside but a few torn-up cardboard boxes. Well, seems Tony took off for Home Depot for some supplies and left Dragon on her own to continue the cleanout. The only thing was she started with heavy boxes and these she lugged out to the dumpster, precariously climbed the shaky step ladder and threw them in. She did at least three trips and was getting pretty tired (being of age and all) and on the fourth trip, lugging a particularly overloaded box of junk, she climbed the wobbly ladder and went to toss it in when she lost her balance, the ladder its footing, and she fell into the dumpster. The lid had been perched open on a low tree limb. The vibration from the falling box of junk and Dragon falling in with it, well that shook the dumpster causing the lid to slam shut! 

When she took the tumble, the step ladder was kicked away so even if she could climb out . . . 

The poor old Dragon was trapped inside the smelly dumpster, not able to lift the heavy lid up but a few inches and not enough to get herself out. Let me pause here while I savour the image. . . . . . . . . .

Ok then, so what to do? She lifted the lid partially with her head to be able to shout out "HELP!" But she wasn't in earshot to neighbours on either side, though Mrs. Smith who came out to have a cigarette on one side thought she heard someone yelling for help, but on looking around she saw nothing and shrugging her shoulders she went back inside. 

Meanwhile, Big Tony was in tool man Mecca surrounded by all kinds of tools and the smell of tools, so he was taking his sweet time looking around. Oh yes, he had got the things he needed, but walking around with the other tool men and engaging in conversation on what projects he or they were doing kept him from leaving right away. Tony must have spent two HOURS in that store and it took him another 30 minutes to get home, but wait, he stopped for a sub sandwich and a beer at his local and shot the breeze with the other patrons for another 45 MINUTES! 

Oh to add insult to injury, he did arrive home and saw no one about, and into the building site, he went with his supplies. He had unloaded his truck of wood, nails, wiring, and whatever and as he looked around he wondered why the Dragon didn't get very far in emptying the place of junk. Oh well, she was probably taking a break, so he went on to start his wiring project nary a thought but doing that. 

While working and concentrating on the wiring he kept hearing a sound that sounded like banging, but he couldn't figure out where it was coming from. He even walked outside and stood for a moment, but nothing more did he hear, so back inside he went to continue his work.

It was some 3 HOURS later he wandered inside and discovered no wife anywhere. Well, where could she be? Maybe at the neighbours having coffee, and so he put her out of his mind and decided he was peckish and would make himself something to eat. 

Out at the dumpster the missus was exhausted from efforts of shouting and banging on the dumpster wall for help as well as trying to lift the lid up to get it so she could try to climb out (which was not successful). Finally, she used the last bit of energy to try and fling the lid upward and miracles of miracles it got caught on the tree branch. This was encouraging so she tried lifting herself up to the lip of the container, but she couldn't lift herself because she wasn't tall enough or had the strength enough. She moved all the trash together and got up on it and tried several times until she finally got herself up and over the lip and was hanging out of the trash bin. 

Oh, what I wouldn't have paid to see THAT!

As she was struggling not to fall out on her head, a UPS truck pulled up and the driver saw her. Lucky for her he did! He ran over and asked her if she needed help and I won't repeat what she said to him over the obvious, but he grabbed hold of her waist, rear end in his face and started pulling when Big Tony came out (after seeing the truck and no driver curiosity getting the best of him), he stopped in his tracks at the scene unfolding before him and went running over to help, but not in time because just then the driver had a good grip and a good pull and out from the dumpster came the rest of the Dragon lady and down the two of them went to the ground!

How embarrassed was she? There are no words to describe it. How angry was she at Big Tony? Well, according to Big T, there were new curse words made up as she went along berating him his time away from home and the time spent AT home when she needed him most, like he knew all of this. 

I am rather gobsmacked Big T isn't dead by now or divorced for his inability to be a "dutiful and helpful husband," but I do see from pictures sent that the Dragon has herself one BIG and fine she-cave, and Tony, well his a bit smaller than he at first thought it would be, and all the man cave things he wanted to get like a big screen TV, an "ass-kicking sound system," a wet bar with bar top and stools, lighted beer signs, theatre chairs for the big games, yeah all that be missing from his small man cave. The Dragon well she has a tea room with a coffee bar, cafe table and chairs, a section containing all her "retired" designer shoes all on display, and a lovely sitting area where her friends can sit and enjoy tea or coffee and do some knitting and chat away while watching soap operas on her new BIG SCREEN TV! Oh, I tell ya there is more lady stuff that I don't understand but it be a sizeable room of feminine splendour. Big's area? Well, there is an old recliner and a small TV and an even smaller table for a can of beer to rest. That's about it. I don't think you could fit much more in there. 

I be glad I am not Big Tony. I don't know how he puts up with that Dragon Lady, I truly don't. I be glad Tonya inherited more from her father than her mother. Though I see those Dragon traits come out when it's gardening time. I guess it could be worse, eh?

Gabe

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