26 December 2020
1012
R. Linda:
Is it because the Trumpians did a number on the USPS that I can't get online Christmas presents delivered? For three weeks five gifts have been tied up in the same place, with no movement. When I went to the post office to mail a letter for me Mam I pulled up to the curbside blue mailbox to read a sign on the top that said, OUT OF ORDER. What? How is that possible? Was there a little man inside the box who wasn't working anymore? It's mechanical, you pull down the opening, toss the letter down the slot and that's it. So how is THAT out of order I want to know? I had to park my car and go walk up to the other blue post box at the door. I decided since I was there to go in and get stamps. Guess what? They had none!
I went home to feed the pups and the bigger of the two can be a piggy. He will push his smaller brother out of the way to start eating from his bowl. I went to pull him back from doing this when my mobile fell out of me top pocket (where I never put it) and straight into the filled water bowl. I was in a dread panic as you can well imagine and fumbled to get it out while at the same time, I was trying to hold the dog back from the food bowl.
I rushed to the paper towels and tried drying it the best I could. I got it out of its protective case filled a ziplock bag with rice and threw it in hoping me somewhat quick action would save me mobile. The next morning I got the mobile out of the rice bag and turned it on. It took forever to get to the Home Screen and I noticed it was 10% charged and that might be why it was so slow. I got my charger and went to put the plug in the input when I found it wouldn't go in! WHAT WAS THIS NOW?
The input was blocked and as I looked closer I realised it was blocked by a grain of rice! Yes, R. Linda only me that would happen to! I had to find a Scripto knife to dig it out and then I could plug it in. Geez Louise, why don't I ever have anything go easy? Well, the phoney baloney as Weasil calls it WORKS!
While all this was going on, the wife was standing there watching me with the rice kernel operation and said to me, "Well, I might as well tell you I got you a new phone for Christmas." I needed one, mine was an old phone which when I got it I had the exact same phone, only I had broken the screen and that's why I went to get another. While I was at the Verizon place I guess me accent was hard for the sales guy to comprehend and somehow I ended up with the exact same phone I did have sans a broken screen. That was after I asked him for an upgrade to a new phone. He didn't understand me and well, I looked at the new phone and remarked it looked like the old phone and he said not a word leading me to believe the bigger phones were out and the smaller ones back in! It took me two months before Tonya asked me why I got the same phone and didn't upgrade. Yup. So now because I be phone inept, she is making sure I get a new bigger upgraded phone.
That had me thinking of Christmases past when being what I now know to be typical male speak from the women in me abode, I thought the very best Christmas present for my lovely wife would be a brand-new vacuum cleaner. I went out and explored and demo-ed every vacuum available until I found the one I thought she'd adore. I bought a Miele which was very pricey and there I was that Christmas morning with me big foil-wrapped box with the huge bow and there she was looking at me like she couldn't believe I bought her something so big and gee what could it be?
I did not know what a good actress she was for opening the big gift. Oh yeah, she was all smiles but I should have known the way she was talking between her teeth there was a bit of a wee problem. A vacuum cleaner was not what she was expecting, nor what she wanted, and there was me all proud of my purchase. It was several months later I learned from me Mam that buying household appliances and other such things do not rank high on the Christmas list if at all. So that was two Christmases ago.
You'd think I'd have learned my lesson, but I made another mistake. I am one of those last-minute shoppers and last year I found meself in a muck sweat on Christmas Eve day running around trying to find something that wasn't an appliance that I thought she'd like. Well, I ended up with a lot of small crazy items, and in me rush back home, as the stores closed, I hadn't thought of wrapping paper, ribbon, and bows. No, that girly stuff didn't enter my brain. So I looked around the house and found all the wrapping paper was gone! What to do? So I did the only thing I could think of to hide what I had and loaded it all in a large bin (garbage) bag. Yes, I did.
The next morning after all the presents were opened I got the bag, hauled it into the lounge and gave it to her.
"What's this?" She asked confused and a bit miffed because she hadn't got anything from me (yet).
Before I could answer Mam (helpful as ever) pipes up with "Ye doon' expect yer wife to empty da trash doo ye?"
It was at that moment a cold chill ran up me spine at my unthinking presentation. Yeah, THAT didn't go over as I thought it would. Another lesson learned, it is better to hand unwrapped gifts in newspaper than ones stuffed in a bin bag.
This year I meant to buy her something more like what she expects me to buy, but unfortunately, the Internet sales got a hold of me and I bought her a Bunn 12-cup coffee maker because she has been complaining that the Hamilton Beach coffeemaker takes forever to brew. And Bunn be what they use at Dunks so . . . I JUST HAD TO HAVE ONE. Yes, I bought her a gift for me!
Because of COVID this year, we decided to celebrate Christmas on the solstice, along with the planets of Jupiter and Saturn aligning to create a Bethlehem Star and because we figured the whole year had been untraditional we'd take it one step further. So we had our Christmas dinner and afterwards opened presents. But first, we stood on the deck and saw this:
Tonya acted thrilled when she saw the Bunn, but she did that talking through her teeth again, so I know my gift was another miss.
Meanwhile, I was given a very heavy large box wrapped to the nines it was. I was thinking oh me gosh what did she get me this year? It had to be something spectacular in such a big box. All the while I was ripping into the wrapping she had this smirk on her face as if she knew something I did not and found it very amusing.
I got the wrapping off to find the words STANDARD TOILET BOWL along with stopper, silicone, water line, etc., Yes, R. Linda, I got a toilet bowl for Christmas! Me Mam has been beside herself with laughter thinking this the funniest thing she's witnessed EVER. Whenever she sees me she bursts into gales of laughter, actually, the whole family does. Everyone but me fails to see the humour in it.
I was told that since we moved into the abode all I have done is complain the toilet bowl needs to be replaced because it has a leak and I don't like the looks of it anyway, so because SHE knew I wanted a new one, I got one. Oh, I did get the new phone by the way, I guess to make it all better or soften the blow.
Let this be a lesson to you R. Linda, be careful what you wish for.
So now I have to install said present, she made sure I also got everything I needed to do that. She's so thoughtful, isn't she? How many men can say their lovely wife gave them a toilet for Christmas? None, just me. Go ahead you can laugh now if you haven't already.
Gabe
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3 comments:
we had a good view of the alignment too. you need to find a jewellery story mr. g and stick to that idea each xmas. a coffeemaker wouldn't fly with me either mr. man.
Glad I be not married to you.
How do you get into so much trouble? You can't help yourself I think. This is one rare time I agree with Finonnula, jewelery store, just keep saying that when you are out shopping for the next Christmases present.
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