10 February 2019
944
R. Linda:
I should have known, that on that rain-soaked, windy Friday last, things were going to take a bizarre turn. I was waiting for a red light to turn when a red balloon went floating by my windscreen. I watched it bounce in the wind and sat there wondering when the clown would appear. Yup, I did. I looked across the road and there was a car dealership that had balloons tethered to cars and one had broken loose. I thought about the movie IT.
I didn't have long for the clown to become reality because an hour later at my work, I almost broke a window in a high-rise. I had to go to the copy department and was headed that way when I saw just in front of me an older woman from the Entertainment Section walking slowly in the same direction as me. As I got nearer I could see the reason for the slow progress. She had on these very high red heels that a young woman might wear, a short, hip-hugging lipstick red skirt, an almost off-one-shoulder loud flowery blouse, hair all coiffed in a young style and me impression was she was trying very hard to look young instead of ageing gracefully in her early sixties. She even had a red streak in the do and when she turned her head I could see the heavy application of makeup. She looked like a clown but I don't think she knew that. I was almost scared to pass her for the shock of it all. I even looked around for the red balloon! But we were getting to the stairs (the elevator was not working) and that's when it hit me . . . the smell of too much perfume!
I thought I'd die of fumes they were so powerful and add to this, she would take one step to the next stair, and then bring down her other foot so it was two feet on each stair as she descended down like a small child. That was painful enough because I was caught behind her, inhaling the stench of strong perfume. I made it down to the first landing with her and she was hobbling on those red heels, her ankles twisting at weird and painful-looking angles, but she didn't stop, she kept on shuffling to the next flight of stairs with me seriously thinking of kicking the glass out of the landing window to get air, but instead, I turned and ran back up the stairs from whence we came to get away from the slow fumigation of death she had going. How she could stand the smell of herself I have no idea.
It was two hours later and the elevator was still not fixed, that I made me second attempt to go to the copy department. I was halfway down that first flight of stairs when the smell of that dreadful perfume hit me. I thought, no, it was that powerful it lingers? Well, yes because I stopped, looked over the railing and no one was there. I held me breath and made it down and out to copy only to be taking deep gulps of breath once I was out of Pepe' le Pew range.
I got my copy and started back up, holding me breath because I knew what was wafting in that stairwell, and halfway up I was thinking the odour was stronger than before, and as I looked up I saw and heard the baby steps, the step up with the other, the pause, then the step up, etc., and there she was. Oh boy. So making like I forgot something, I turned back around and went back to the copy room to wait it out. I figured it would take three hours to de-fumigate the stairwell naturally, so I kept checking the elevator progress which happened 15 minutes into me wait time and I took that to get back to my department. As the doors opened I was hit smack in the proboscis with that overpowering perfume, for there she stood tottering on those gigantic heels ready to get on the elevator. I was one floor from my floor, could I hold me breath long enough to get there? I thought so, so as she got on, I closed off me breathing, but she hit the button for six floors up, five more than where my floor was. I did not know at the time, that the reason the elevator was not running was because the buttons were not functioning properly, and they still weren't. We went passed my floor and up, up, up until we got to the thirty-sixth floor. Mind you I was to get off on the 25th. She stuck her head out and shook it that this was not the right floor and pressed the button to the 31st. We made it! I don't know how but we did and I was ready to exhale but, knew I'd be inhaling more of the same! She got off, thank the fates for that! And as she did I let out the breath I was holding and almost collapsed to the floor from the pain in my chest. I could hold me breath no longer, so I inhaled more of that stinky perfume and held my breath again. Quickly I pushed the button for the 25th floor hoping she wouldn't forget something and turn around and come back inside the elevator. And she did! I freaking knew it! She held the button so the doors wouldn't close! I was beside meself and was about to go out as she came in but the doors shut quickly and I was enclosed in that small box with HER!
"I don't know who you are, but I've seen you around, so I hope you don't take this wrong, but you don't look well." She said to ME.
You think? I wanted to say, but I couldn't let go me held breath for fear of succumbing to the stink.
I got a good look at her for the first time and I could see where she tried to Angelina Jolie her lips by tracing way outside the natural line and filling in. OH BOY! Then the face make-up looked like it was applied with a trowel to cover up any wrinkles or crow's feet with a heavy dose of red cheek powder and black cat eye eyeliner topped with fake lashes and pencilled-in light brown eyebrows. But most shocking was the wax-like sheen of some kind of gloss spray she must have used, that made her look unreal. I was stunned speechless. Here she was telling ME I looked unwell and she looked like Bozo the clown, or worse IT from a wax museum!
I could not speak because to do so would mean I'd have to inhale that awful overabundant perfume, so I pressed me lips together and shook me head, tears from the stench reddening my eyeballs. That was all I could do as I watched the floors zoom by to the 17th floor! I was a dead man I just knew it.
She decided I was an idiot since my response wasn't what she expected as it was no response at all, and she got off shaking HER head at me on the 17th floor. I would have followed her out to catch a breath but she was perfuming the 17th floor as she hobbled forward, so I opted to inhale instead, the stale perfume in the elevator. I pressed 25 and crossed my fingers I'd get there and strained to hold me breath telling meself I could exhale when the doors opened, and breathe in good clear 25th-floor office air and survive me trial by elevator and staircase and LIVE! But no, that damn thing took me to the top floor, to the 50th. I was looking at the restaurant and I let out my breath and was rewarded with a coughing fit. The hostess came over and asked me if I was all right, but I couldn't answer I was in such distress. All I wanted was to get back to my desk where the air was clear. I put my finger up to warn her back and pushed the elevator door button, forgetting to take a breath as they closed. I was stuck in the perfumed palace by myself, forced to inhale the stink once again as the elevator took me to the 39th floor where the doors began to open and just as I thought I could exhale and take a clear aired breath from that floor they closed and I was forced to inhale the stink again when the elevator took me past me own floor to the 4th! I hate to tell you but I travelled in that stinky elevator for almost twenty minutes with it stopping and the doors beginning to open but not quite and off I'd be taken to another floor. I tell ya, I was red-faced, I knew it, my lungs were sore and hurting, when I pressed that button and held it for the 25th floor. FINALLY, I got to me floor and nearly stumbled out of the box to which some woman thought I was having a heart attack and came running over to me while shouting to anyone within earshot to call 911. I lay there nearly passed out on the carpet with the song Man In A Box going through my head. I know crazy but I was air deprived so that's me excuse.
I can't get that damn song out of me head or the experience. I told Ms. Jaio and Cruella the whole ghastly tale after the paramedics left. Yeah, they laughed, especially when I was told by one of the medics I needed a paper bag to breathe into because I had obviously hyperventilated and was the victim of a panic attack. Oh yes, I was, I will agree with THAT assessment. So go ahead and laugh your head off, I am still sore and now elevator shy as well as refusing to use the stairs so Ms. Jaio's good nature has kicked in and she does me running around and has NOT, has NOT I say, encountered that woman or IT as I call her, once yet. Yup, floating red balloons are a warning, let that be a lesson should you see one, IT be in an elevator or stairwell waiting.
Gabe
Copyright © 2019 All rights reserved
944
R. Linda:
I should have known, that on that rain-soaked, windy Friday last, things were going to take a bizarre turn. I was waiting for a red light to turn when a red balloon went floating by my windscreen. I watched it bounce in the wind and sat there wondering when the clown would appear. Yup, I did. I looked across the road and there was a car dealership that had balloons tethered to cars and one had broken loose. I thought about the movie IT.
I didn't have long for the clown to become reality because an hour later at my work, I almost broke a window in a high-rise. I had to go to the copy department and was headed that way when I saw just in front of me an older woman from the Entertainment Section walking slowly in the same direction as me. As I got nearer I could see the reason for the slow progress. She had on these very high red heels that a young woman might wear, a short, hip-hugging lipstick red skirt, an almost off-one-shoulder loud flowery blouse, hair all coiffed in a young style and me impression was she was trying very hard to look young instead of ageing gracefully in her early sixties. She even had a red streak in the do and when she turned her head I could see the heavy application of makeup. She looked like a clown but I don't think she knew that. I was almost scared to pass her for the shock of it all. I even looked around for the red balloon! But we were getting to the stairs (the elevator was not working) and that's when it hit me . . . the smell of too much perfume!
I thought I'd die of fumes they were so powerful and add to this, she would take one step to the next stair, and then bring down her other foot so it was two feet on each stair as she descended down like a small child. That was painful enough because I was caught behind her, inhaling the stench of strong perfume. I made it down to the first landing with her and she was hobbling on those red heels, her ankles twisting at weird and painful-looking angles, but she didn't stop, she kept on shuffling to the next flight of stairs with me seriously thinking of kicking the glass out of the landing window to get air, but instead, I turned and ran back up the stairs from whence we came to get away from the slow fumigation of death she had going. How she could stand the smell of herself I have no idea.
It was two hours later and the elevator was still not fixed, that I made me second attempt to go to the copy department. I was halfway down that first flight of stairs when the smell of that dreadful perfume hit me. I thought, no, it was that powerful it lingers? Well, yes because I stopped, looked over the railing and no one was there. I held me breath and made it down and out to copy only to be taking deep gulps of breath once I was out of Pepe' le Pew range.
I got my copy and started back up, holding me breath because I knew what was wafting in that stairwell, and halfway up I was thinking the odour was stronger than before, and as I looked up I saw and heard the baby steps, the step up with the other, the pause, then the step up, etc., and there she was. Oh boy. So making like I forgot something, I turned back around and went back to the copy room to wait it out. I figured it would take three hours to de-fumigate the stairwell naturally, so I kept checking the elevator progress which happened 15 minutes into me wait time and I took that to get back to my department. As the doors opened I was hit smack in the proboscis with that overpowering perfume, for there she stood tottering on those gigantic heels ready to get on the elevator. I was one floor from my floor, could I hold me breath long enough to get there? I thought so, so as she got on, I closed off me breathing, but she hit the button for six floors up, five more than where my floor was. I did not know at the time, that the reason the elevator was not running was because the buttons were not functioning properly, and they still weren't. We went passed my floor and up, up, up until we got to the thirty-sixth floor. Mind you I was to get off on the 25th. She stuck her head out and shook it that this was not the right floor and pressed the button to the 31st. We made it! I don't know how but we did and I was ready to exhale but, knew I'd be inhaling more of the same! She got off, thank the fates for that! And as she did I let out the breath I was holding and almost collapsed to the floor from the pain in my chest. I could hold me breath no longer, so I inhaled more of that stinky perfume and held my breath again. Quickly I pushed the button for the 25th floor hoping she wouldn't forget something and turn around and come back inside the elevator. And she did! I freaking knew it! She held the button so the doors wouldn't close! I was beside meself and was about to go out as she came in but the doors shut quickly and I was enclosed in that small box with HER!
"I don't know who you are, but I've seen you around, so I hope you don't take this wrong, but you don't look well." She said to ME.
You think? I wanted to say, but I couldn't let go me held breath for fear of succumbing to the stink.
I got a good look at her for the first time and I could see where she tried to Angelina Jolie her lips by tracing way outside the natural line and filling in. OH BOY! Then the face make-up looked like it was applied with a trowel to cover up any wrinkles or crow's feet with a heavy dose of red cheek powder and black cat eye eyeliner topped with fake lashes and pencilled-in light brown eyebrows. But most shocking was the wax-like sheen of some kind of gloss spray she must have used, that made her look unreal. I was stunned speechless. Here she was telling ME I looked unwell and she looked like Bozo the clown, or worse IT from a wax museum!
I could not speak because to do so would mean I'd have to inhale that awful overabundant perfume, so I pressed me lips together and shook me head, tears from the stench reddening my eyeballs. That was all I could do as I watched the floors zoom by to the 17th floor! I was a dead man I just knew it.
She decided I was an idiot since my response wasn't what she expected as it was no response at all, and she got off shaking HER head at me on the 17th floor. I would have followed her out to catch a breath but she was perfuming the 17th floor as she hobbled forward, so I opted to inhale instead, the stale perfume in the elevator. I pressed 25 and crossed my fingers I'd get there and strained to hold me breath telling meself I could exhale when the doors opened, and breathe in good clear 25th-floor office air and survive me trial by elevator and staircase and LIVE! But no, that damn thing took me to the top floor, to the 50th. I was looking at the restaurant and I let out my breath and was rewarded with a coughing fit. The hostess came over and asked me if I was all right, but I couldn't answer I was in such distress. All I wanted was to get back to my desk where the air was clear. I put my finger up to warn her back and pushed the elevator door button, forgetting to take a breath as they closed. I was stuck in the perfumed palace by myself, forced to inhale the stink once again as the elevator took me to the 39th floor where the doors began to open and just as I thought I could exhale and take a clear aired breath from that floor they closed and I was forced to inhale the stink again when the elevator took me past me own floor to the 4th! I hate to tell you but I travelled in that stinky elevator for almost twenty minutes with it stopping and the doors beginning to open but not quite and off I'd be taken to another floor. I tell ya, I was red-faced, I knew it, my lungs were sore and hurting, when I pressed that button and held it for the 25th floor. FINALLY, I got to me floor and nearly stumbled out of the box to which some woman thought I was having a heart attack and came running over to me while shouting to anyone within earshot to call 911. I lay there nearly passed out on the carpet with the song Man In A Box going through my head. I know crazy but I was air deprived so that's me excuse.
I can't get that damn song out of me head or the experience. I told Ms. Jaio and Cruella the whole ghastly tale after the paramedics left. Yeah, they laughed, especially when I was told by one of the medics I needed a paper bag to breathe into because I had obviously hyperventilated and was the victim of a panic attack. Oh yes, I was, I will agree with THAT assessment. So go ahead and laugh your head off, I am still sore and now elevator shy as well as refusing to use the stairs so Ms. Jaio's good nature has kicked in and she does me running around and has NOT, has NOT I say, encountered that woman or IT as I call her, once yet. Yup, floating red balloons are a warning, let that be a lesson should you see one, IT be in an elevator or stairwell waiting.
Gabe
Copyright © 2019 All rights reserved
6 comments:
The song 99 red balloons came to mind , but in your case thank god you only saw one 🎈
Bite your tongue! One clown and an out of control elevator was enough.
Sounds like your clown lady had a bad do up, and there you are scattering like Billy be damned giving her no heads up on appearances. I'd probably do the same Gabe, save my face and let her's hang out there.
Even if I wanted to clue her in, the perfume would have suffocated me before I could tell her. 🤢
Old ladies wearing high heels and short skirts is frightening enough, but old lady perfume, whoa nelly!
You’re funny.
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