Elf off the shelf, a strange gift, a very expensive glass of champagne and the gingerbread man poem

25 December 2016
841

R. Linda:

Ok, so where to start . . . it all started last night, Christmas Eve. We had invited friends to our home for a Yankee swap, a casual dinner, and camaraderie. Since her divorce, this was the first year Mam felt like celebrating Christmas so we took advantage of that to make her have a good time. We had some additional kiddos here so the house was lively, to say the least.

It all started when Mam (feeling particularly joyful) asked me to go fetch the bottle of champagne she had stashed in the basement. This bottle was given to me by Da when he retired from a very grateful company and at the time we knew it cost a bit. How much? We knew it was expensive but not the exact figure. In the divorce settlement, since one of the bones of contention was HIS suspected drinking, the bottle would go to Mam. She decided last night was the night to open it and toast her leaving him and Ireland and starting her new life here with us. She wanted her "new friends" to take part and so I went and fetched the bottle.

R. Linda, it was the smoothest, best champagne any of us ever had in our lives and probably the last bottle like that we will ever have. It was a bottle of Dom Perignon Vintage 1998 Moet Chandon Epernay kept in pristine condition on its side so the cork wouldn't dry out. We were all VERY impressed with it and some of us had more than one glass until it was gone. One of our guests was curious about the cost and we didn't know what it was, so he looked it up and found it was worth a whopping $4,715.99 with shipping costs of $83.91. WE FECKING DRANK IT WHEN WE COULD HAVE SOLD IT! Come to find the empty bottle sells on eBay starting at $40.00 first bid. NOOOOOOOOO! Who knew? Certainly not any of us!

WHAT?

So after the most expensive glass of champagne we ever had, we decided to let the kiddos exchange gifts so when it came to adult Yankee swap they'd be occupied. The rule has always been they exchange Christmas pajamas, I don't know why, they just do. Me eldest got a lovely red Bare Butt long john onesie pajama. Instantly he was not "wearing this ever!" It was the equivalent of the pink bunny onesie from the movie A Christmas Story. After much consoling by me Mam he decided to go try it on. He was gone a long time when suddenly the Rolling Stones song Wind Me Up came blasting out of the hallway and there he was dressed like a demented elf on a shelf doing Jagger impressions to the song. I wish I had the forethought to video it but I do have pictures. He begged me not to publish them, but I do have his approval on at least one. The aftermath of the "performance of the demented elf off the shelf."

Exhausted Elf on the floor

After everyone left, Guido wanted to give me a pre-Christmas present. I told him I was willing to wait but he wanted me to have it because he liked it and well "Here ya go Da." So I get this heavy square wrapped in Christmas paper by his own hand and I open it and well . . . I don't know how to describe it but Tonya and I looked at each other completely confused, but he was thrilled and went to bed happy. Let me show you his masterpiece gift and you tell me what YOU make of it.

Yup -- what does it mean?

No clue what it is or why. But there you have it.

Before the kiddos went off to bed they were told by their Mam to pick out the cookies they wanted to leave Father Christmas. Since I am Father Christmas in disguise, I suggested the gingerbread men should be the ones they pick being in my mind, if I have to eat cookies to make like Father Christmas they'd be the ones I like. They told me they had done all that and left a glass of milk as well and off to their beds did they go. Later when Tonya was filling stockings I sat down to eat the cookies. I didn't have the usual three but this:

Seriously?

When asked the next morning what was up with all the cookies I was told Father Christmas is a fat man and if they wanted good presents they had to feed him. I tell ya! I ate three ginger men which leads me to the finale. Guido hands me a poem he made up for the season. Cookies and Father Christmas in mind for next time. I think you'll like it.

I ate me a gingerbread man by Guido O'Sullivan

Lil' gingerbread man
I eats his lil' toes
they crunch as I
bites dem all to bits

Lil' gingerbread man
I eats his lil' lil' leggies
they be soft and nice
and oh so good twice

Lil' gingerbread man
I eats his belly n' shoulder blades
he tastes so yummy
'specially when I munch his tummy

Lil' gingerbread man
all is left is an icing scarf n' lil' head
one great bite n' den he's dead.

Yupperuddies only my kiddo, strange tile gifts, and equally strange poems.

The gingerbread man who was eaten by Guido

Gabe
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