12 February 2014
724
R. Linda:
It is my greatest misfortune in life, that people cannot leave me alone! Even when one be unconscious, but especially when one is trying to recover from major surgery. I don't know what it is about the human race in general, but they feel obligated to flock to the bedside of the person who is surgically impaired (awake or otherwise) as if it is their most grand duty to do so, or at the very least say they did. Oh yes, they were there, they saw it all!
I survived the surgery as you can see, but not without a lot of blood loss, thus I awoke to find meself in a rather weakened body. I will say that upon going in to be anaesthetised I was told to sit on the edge of the gurney and flop my upper body like a crab over a contraption that looked like an upright massage table, where you stick your face through a hole. The next thing I remember after muttering "awkward," was waking up in a brightly lit room with surgical-masked faces looking at me, and purple latex gloves prodding me to ask me how I was doing?
Like I knew? Like I said last thing I remember, I was leaning over and wham that was it. Surgery? Was there surgery I asked, oh yes indeed, except for the mega amounts of blood loss (tsk, tsk) surgery went well. OK. Then all went dark.
Next, I remember, I was in a room by meself, and there was a tray on wheels across me middle and on it were no more than eleven cups of ice water, each with a bent straw. Hum, what the heck? Was a water party going on while I slept me way out of anaesthesia? It took not long before a nurse came in with another cup to add to the row she had going.
Seems I had been sipping water somehow after each pill they gave me, and no one bothered emptying the cup but would bring me a fresh one with every pill. To trick it up, I requested ginger ale and soon I had two rows of cups with bent straws, one with water, and one with ginger ale. I tell ya!. This business intrigued and annoyed me all at the same time. But the pills took me over and I slept most of the days away. How many days I have to this day notta clue, it just seems like weeks . . . months!
And in the deep recesses of me mind, were faces, lots of familiar and not so familiar faces. It seemed like every friend in the world and even a bunch from me workplace came, with the exception of not one single relative. I don't know what was said, or what I said, it was all a blur. I do know I thought there was no sleep going on for me for all the people coming and going. But I don't truly remember exactly who was who only that I knew everyone. But there is always that one person who stands out from the rest. Oh yeah, there is.
It was week number five (I think) Nurse Ratched found me. Oh yes, she did, she came in all business and professional and told me it was time to get up and WALK! Enough delirium, time to get with it. Then a quick glance at the two rows of cups (yes, they were still there) and she says, "OH MY HAVE YOU BEEN DRINKING GINGER ALE?"
"Uh, yup."
"YOU CAN'T HAVE GINGER ALE ON BLOOD THINNERS. OH, MY IS THAT CRANBERRY JUICE WITH BREAKFAST?"
"Uh . . . "
"YOU CAN'T HAVE THAT EITHER. TELL ME YOU DIDN'T HAVE BLUEBERRIES ON THAT HALF-EATEN OATMEAL?"
I nodded, I did, guilty as charged! I did not know I was on blood thinners, and I did not know all that stuff I was ingesting was not conducive to the medication and besides I never ordered any of it, it was what the kitchen sent up! They'd been doing that for weeks, months and . . . who knew?
Being too drugged to argue me case I lapsed back into a feigned coma but that didn't work. She called for assistance and before I knew it I had the two of them hauling me arse into an upward stance with me leaning heavily on Nurse Ratched while her minion put non-slip socks on me feet to keep me from falling. Then a walker was thrown at me with one nurse on one side, and the other on the other side. We were set to haul arse. So I took a step and another and I slip-slided me way out the door and into the hall. That's as far as I got, as I was told it was time to go back.
After all that effort, we were going to turn around? I stood there for a good long minute looking at Nurse Ratched but it did no good, I was shoved around to face the room and in we crab stepped (well, me crab stepping), and I was thrust back into bed where I promptly fell asleep in self-defence. Sleep was the only way I could keep from being annoyed. But I fast found out sleep in a hospital, no matter how much you need it, is a fleeting thing. Actually, it is pretty nonexistent UNLESS you are knocked out cold by some drug.
When a new cup of ice water with bent straw arrived with another pill, I was informed that now that I was lucid, I must be careful of infection. So get up often (if I could), keep clean (plenty of hand sanitiser for guests), eat wisely and remember those blood thinners, keep a positive outlook and I should begin to heal quickly. But it was stressed over and over -- to please stay away from people with infectious colds. I was suspicious of this last advice, I was in a hospital with a lot of sick people. Didn't she know that?
Somehow I got a nap in. How long the nap lasted I don't know, but I awoke and felt very drugged out, but did notice it was twilight so I had to have slept a bit. As I blinked the sleepy dust out of me eyes, I could just make out a figure sitting in a chair by me bed. He was blond and dressed in a hospital patient gown. I blinked more as the man came out of the haze and into focus. Leonardo DiCaprio? Visiting me? I almost jumped out of me skin when I realised I wasn't looking at Leonardo Di Caprio, I was looking at THE WEASIL!
Nah, must be a dream, so I rubbed me eyes, but no, no, he was still there and now he was grinning at me. His grin was remarkably self-possessed like a demon would be self-possessed. Then I noticed the colour of him, from his blond head to his slippered feet he appeared a yellowish colour, even his demonic eyes. I squinted at him and he seemed to get yellower as I looked.
He was the first to break the silence.
"Are you suffering muchie?" He said in Weasilese.
"Muchie?" I muttered annoyed. "I don't know. I just awoke and well . . . there it is."
"There wot iz?" He said looking around.
"YOU, there YOU are," I said more annoyed.
He waved my peeved tone off with a sharp flick of his wrist and asked me if me case was serious (as serious as the doctors said).
I was stunned to speechlessness. I didn't know my "case" was serious, no one told me anything but about a lot of blood loss and what not to eat when on blood thinners. Other than that, I knew nothing. To change the subject because he was scaring me, I asked him if he was jaundiced or had he some kind of liver ailment.
"Too muchie Cheez-its." He said I thought, rather smugly. "I ate sumthin like 50 boxes and me eyes turned yellow den my skin." He held out his bare arms admiring the yellow cheese tan.
"Cheez-its?" I snapped at him.
He signed and said, "Yuppers who'd a thunk it huh?"
I didn't know what to say, this was ludicrous. Then a thought struck me addled brain and I actually asked if he was infectious.
"Infectious? Hellz yeah." He laughed proud of that somewhat questionable fact.
My anxiety was leading me down the melancholy path of apprehension. Besides being in a slight state of shock at the fact someone could eat 50 boxes of Cheez-its and turn an infectious yellow colour and live to talk to (of all persons) meself about it, who was to be away from people with infections -- yellow or otherwise, well . . . it was enough to make me feel faint.
Yet the unscrupulous person sitting grinning in such a deplorable manner at me, with no regard for my delicate condition, made me dig me heels in to get rid of him post-haste.
"Why are you here? And please don't tell me to see how I am?" I said in as challenging a tone as I could muster.
"The objectie of my visit," he said, looking up at the ceiling in thought and then counted on two fingers before resuming, "is firstie, to see yer still among da liven', and second . . . I can't member da second."
Exasperating! Yes, he is that and exhausting.
"Many thanks for looking in, see you soon," I said in way of dismissal, but he did not move a muscle to leave.
"Givie me another moment ta think wot da second reason iz . . . "
I merely stared at him in incredulous apprehension that he'd get up and hug me bye, and thus infect me with yellow Cheez-it disease.
Suddenly he struck his horrid infected chest with his very yellow fist declaring he remembered.
"Tepid water wit sum aromatic rose petals and copious fumigation are da only way to git rid of my Cheez-it diseasie."
"Well, I hope you do all that and get over it soon," I sighed bored.
He took out the largest handkerchief I have ever seen and put it to his eyes wiping at them.
"What?" I inquired.
In a snuffly voice, he got up (and I shrank back under me sheets), and he said, "I hopies you don't suffer much, I hopies you don't get me illness, I'd never forgive myself and . . . "
"Excuse me, I am totally prostrated at your speech, but I must get me rest. Please go away and I mean that in the kindness way possible, under the circumstances." I harrumphed.
"But that wasn't wot I needies me ta member." He said. "I needed ta tell yer arse about yer mother-in-law."
"Dragon?" I croaked.
"Yippers her."
I couldn't believe it, me second worse nightmare in the world after Weasil, the Dragon Lady. I sighed.
"What about her?"
"She dint know wot polar fleece wuz." Weasil said to me vacant stare. "When I flew in from Scotty land, my flight wuz diverted to Newarkie Airportie. I had nuthin' but cancelled flights fer three days tryin' ta git ta Boston. Since me flight to Boston was delayed three days, I rang up yer mother-in-law and she let me stay at her house. Dats where da Cheez-its came in. She tole me ta help meself. She had over 100 boxes! Den ta show me appreciation at her kindness I gave her a pair of Black Watch polar fleece. I had bought a large fer Manda, cuz she likes her jammies two sizes larger but because da Dragon drove all da way ta Newarkie Airportie and gave me da Cheez-its, I gave her da polar fleece and she wuz all delighted."
"Well, that was nice of you," I said failing to see the point.
"Like I say she dint know wot polar fleece wuz. She invited me ta stay da few days since she wuz exhausted from carrying me from Newarkie and I dint mind cuz da ocean view at her house wuz rather nice ta look at while I munched on da Cheez-its, so I accepted her invitation since I had da time . . . an' da Cheez-its."
"I'm glad you two get on so well," I commented bored out of me skull.
"Da nextie day it wuz very cold out and ta stay warm she put on da polar fleece I gave her. She told me how soft and comfy dey were. She asked me if I wanted ta go ta Staples wit her, she had ta drop sumthin' off. Sos I went wit her, taking me a box of Cheez-its, but she wuz still wearing' da polar fleece and well, I jus' thought she really really liked em'. I thought Staples had a drop-off window or sumthin' sos I dint say nuthin'. But she got out da car and I followed her in. She walked up ta da deskie and the lady says, "Oh aren't you cute to come wearing your pyjamas into the store." Yuppers her did say dat.
"Pyjamas?" Says da Dragon lookin' down.
"Polar fleece?" The woman smiles.
"Well, yes but . . . pyjamas? I didn't know they were pyjamas."
"Den she turned ta me and mouthed the word 'pyjamas' and I nodded. When we got hackie ta da car she looked at the polar fleece."
"I thought these were those Scottish slacks you all wear over in Scotland. You know the tartan pants."
'I hadda keep from laughing cause she wuz rather ticked. So I thought I'd share that wit ya ta make ya feel better through all da suffering yer doing."
I could do nothing but stare . . . but then me face started to crack into a smile. The Dragon, out in pyjamas, how cool a blunder was that I ask ya? Made me afternoon it did. I was genuinely looking forward to a visit from her now, I had something to razz her with.
I wanted to know about the Cheez-it disease and went to ask the young whippersnapper, but Weasil sort of shimmered into nothingness as me eyelids dropped heavy and I went back into a blessed coma.
Gabe
Copyright © 2014 All rights reserved
R. Linda:
It is my greatest misfortune in life, that people cannot leave me alone! Even when one be unconscious, but especially when one is trying to recover from major surgery. I don't know what it is about the human race in general, but they feel obligated to flock to the bedside of the person who is surgically impaired (awake or otherwise) as if it is their most grand duty to do so, or at the very least say they did. Oh yes, they were there, they saw it all!
I survived the surgery as you can see, but not without a lot of blood loss, thus I awoke to find meself in a rather weakened body. I will say that upon going in to be anaesthetised I was told to sit on the edge of the gurney and flop my upper body like a crab over a contraption that looked like an upright massage table, where you stick your face through a hole. The next thing I remember after muttering "awkward," was waking up in a brightly lit room with surgical-masked faces looking at me, and purple latex gloves prodding me to ask me how I was doing?
Like I knew? Like I said last thing I remember, I was leaning over and wham that was it. Surgery? Was there surgery I asked, oh yes indeed, except for the mega amounts of blood loss (tsk, tsk) surgery went well. OK. Then all went dark.
Next, I remember, I was in a room by meself, and there was a tray on wheels across me middle and on it were no more than eleven cups of ice water, each with a bent straw. Hum, what the heck? Was a water party going on while I slept me way out of anaesthesia? It took not long before a nurse came in with another cup to add to the row she had going.
Seems I had been sipping water somehow after each pill they gave me, and no one bothered emptying the cup but would bring me a fresh one with every pill. To trick it up, I requested ginger ale and soon I had two rows of cups with bent straws, one with water, and one with ginger ale. I tell ya!. This business intrigued and annoyed me all at the same time. But the pills took me over and I slept most of the days away. How many days I have to this day notta clue, it just seems like weeks . . . months!
And in the deep recesses of me mind, were faces, lots of familiar and not so familiar faces. It seemed like every friend in the world and even a bunch from me workplace came, with the exception of not one single relative. I don't know what was said, or what I said, it was all a blur. I do know I thought there was no sleep going on for me for all the people coming and going. But I don't truly remember exactly who was who only that I knew everyone. But there is always that one person who stands out from the rest. Oh yeah, there is.
It was week number five (I think) Nurse Ratched found me. Oh yes, she did, she came in all business and professional and told me it was time to get up and WALK! Enough delirium, time to get with it. Then a quick glance at the two rows of cups (yes, they were still there) and she says, "OH MY HAVE YOU BEEN DRINKING GINGER ALE?"
"Uh, yup."
"YOU CAN'T HAVE GINGER ALE ON BLOOD THINNERS. OH, MY IS THAT CRANBERRY JUICE WITH BREAKFAST?"
"Uh . . . "
"YOU CAN'T HAVE THAT EITHER. TELL ME YOU DIDN'T HAVE BLUEBERRIES ON THAT HALF-EATEN OATMEAL?"
I nodded, I did, guilty as charged! I did not know I was on blood thinners, and I did not know all that stuff I was ingesting was not conducive to the medication and besides I never ordered any of it, it was what the kitchen sent up! They'd been doing that for weeks, months and . . . who knew?
Being too drugged to argue me case I lapsed back into a feigned coma but that didn't work. She called for assistance and before I knew it I had the two of them hauling me arse into an upward stance with me leaning heavily on Nurse Ratched while her minion put non-slip socks on me feet to keep me from falling. Then a walker was thrown at me with one nurse on one side, and the other on the other side. We were set to haul arse. So I took a step and another and I slip-slided me way out the door and into the hall. That's as far as I got, as I was told it was time to go back.
After all that effort, we were going to turn around? I stood there for a good long minute looking at Nurse Ratched but it did no good, I was shoved around to face the room and in we crab stepped (well, me crab stepping), and I was thrust back into bed where I promptly fell asleep in self-defence. Sleep was the only way I could keep from being annoyed. But I fast found out sleep in a hospital, no matter how much you need it, is a fleeting thing. Actually, it is pretty nonexistent UNLESS you are knocked out cold by some drug.
When a new cup of ice water with bent straw arrived with another pill, I was informed that now that I was lucid, I must be careful of infection. So get up often (if I could), keep clean (plenty of hand sanitiser for guests), eat wisely and remember those blood thinners, keep a positive outlook and I should begin to heal quickly. But it was stressed over and over -- to please stay away from people with infectious colds. I was suspicious of this last advice, I was in a hospital with a lot of sick people. Didn't she know that?
Somehow I got a nap in. How long the nap lasted I don't know, but I awoke and felt very drugged out, but did notice it was twilight so I had to have slept a bit. As I blinked the sleepy dust out of me eyes, I could just make out a figure sitting in a chair by me bed. He was blond and dressed in a hospital patient gown. I blinked more as the man came out of the haze and into focus. Leonardo DiCaprio? Visiting me? I almost jumped out of me skin when I realised I wasn't looking at Leonardo Di Caprio, I was looking at THE WEASIL!
Nah, must be a dream, so I rubbed me eyes, but no, no, he was still there and now he was grinning at me. His grin was remarkably self-possessed like a demon would be self-possessed. Then I noticed the colour of him, from his blond head to his slippered feet he appeared a yellowish colour, even his demonic eyes. I squinted at him and he seemed to get yellower as I looked.
He was the first to break the silence.
"Are you suffering muchie?" He said in Weasilese.
"Muchie?" I muttered annoyed. "I don't know. I just awoke and well . . . there it is."
"There wot iz?" He said looking around.
"YOU, there YOU are," I said more annoyed.
He waved my peeved tone off with a sharp flick of his wrist and asked me if me case was serious (as serious as the doctors said).
I was stunned to speechlessness. I didn't know my "case" was serious, no one told me anything but about a lot of blood loss and what not to eat when on blood thinners. Other than that, I knew nothing. To change the subject because he was scaring me, I asked him if he was jaundiced or had he some kind of liver ailment.
"Too muchie Cheez-its." He said I thought, rather smugly. "I ate sumthin like 50 boxes and me eyes turned yellow den my skin." He held out his bare arms admiring the yellow cheese tan.
"Cheez-its?" I snapped at him.
He signed and said, "Yuppers who'd a thunk it huh?"
I didn't know what to say, this was ludicrous. Then a thought struck me addled brain and I actually asked if he was infectious.
"Infectious? Hellz yeah." He laughed proud of that somewhat questionable fact.
My anxiety was leading me down the melancholy path of apprehension. Besides being in a slight state of shock at the fact someone could eat 50 boxes of Cheez-its and turn an infectious yellow colour and live to talk to (of all persons) meself about it, who was to be away from people with infections -- yellow or otherwise, well . . . it was enough to make me feel faint.
Yet the unscrupulous person sitting grinning in such a deplorable manner at me, with no regard for my delicate condition, made me dig me heels in to get rid of him post-haste.
"Why are you here? And please don't tell me to see how I am?" I said in as challenging a tone as I could muster.
"The objectie of my visit," he said, looking up at the ceiling in thought and then counted on two fingers before resuming, "is firstie, to see yer still among da liven', and second . . . I can't member da second."
Exasperating! Yes, he is that and exhausting.
"Many thanks for looking in, see you soon," I said in way of dismissal, but he did not move a muscle to leave.
"Givie me another moment ta think wot da second reason iz . . . "
I merely stared at him in incredulous apprehension that he'd get up and hug me bye, and thus infect me with yellow Cheez-it disease.
Suddenly he struck his horrid infected chest with his very yellow fist declaring he remembered.
"Tepid water wit sum aromatic rose petals and copious fumigation are da only way to git rid of my Cheez-it diseasie."
"Well, I hope you do all that and get over it soon," I sighed bored.
He took out the largest handkerchief I have ever seen and put it to his eyes wiping at them.
"What?" I inquired.
In a snuffly voice, he got up (and I shrank back under me sheets), and he said, "I hopies you don't suffer much, I hopies you don't get me illness, I'd never forgive myself and . . . "
"Excuse me, I am totally prostrated at your speech, but I must get me rest. Please go away and I mean that in the kindness way possible, under the circumstances." I harrumphed.
"But that wasn't wot I needies me ta member." He said. "I needed ta tell yer arse about yer mother-in-law."
"Dragon?" I croaked.
"Yippers her."
I couldn't believe it, me second worse nightmare in the world after Weasil, the Dragon Lady. I sighed.
"What about her?"
"She dint know wot polar fleece wuz." Weasil said to me vacant stare. "When I flew in from Scotty land, my flight wuz diverted to Newarkie Airportie. I had nuthin' but cancelled flights fer three days tryin' ta git ta Boston. Since me flight to Boston was delayed three days, I rang up yer mother-in-law and she let me stay at her house. Dats where da Cheez-its came in. She tole me ta help meself. She had over 100 boxes! Den ta show me appreciation at her kindness I gave her a pair of Black Watch polar fleece. I had bought a large fer Manda, cuz she likes her jammies two sizes larger but because da Dragon drove all da way ta Newarkie Airportie and gave me da Cheez-its, I gave her da polar fleece and she wuz all delighted."
"Well, that was nice of you," I said failing to see the point.
"Like I say she dint know wot polar fleece wuz. She invited me ta stay da few days since she wuz exhausted from carrying me from Newarkie and I dint mind cuz da ocean view at her house wuz rather nice ta look at while I munched on da Cheez-its, so I accepted her invitation since I had da time . . . an' da Cheez-its."
"I'm glad you two get on so well," I commented bored out of me skull.
"Da nextie day it wuz very cold out and ta stay warm she put on da polar fleece I gave her. She told me how soft and comfy dey were. She asked me if I wanted ta go ta Staples wit her, she had ta drop sumthin' off. Sos I went wit her, taking me a box of Cheez-its, but she wuz still wearing' da polar fleece and well, I jus' thought she really really liked em'. I thought Staples had a drop-off window or sumthin' sos I dint say nuthin'. But she got out da car and I followed her in. She walked up ta da deskie and the lady says, "Oh aren't you cute to come wearing your pyjamas into the store." Yuppers her did say dat.
"Pyjamas?" Says da Dragon lookin' down.
"Polar fleece?" The woman smiles.
"Well, yes but . . . pyjamas? I didn't know they were pyjamas."
"Den she turned ta me and mouthed the word 'pyjamas' and I nodded. When we got hackie ta da car she looked at the polar fleece."
"I thought these were those Scottish slacks you all wear over in Scotland. You know the tartan pants."
'I hadda keep from laughing cause she wuz rather ticked. So I thought I'd share that wit ya ta make ya feel better through all da suffering yer doing."
I could do nothing but stare . . . but then me face started to crack into a smile. The Dragon, out in pyjamas, how cool a blunder was that I ask ya? Made me afternoon it did. I was genuinely looking forward to a visit from her now, I had something to razz her with.
I wanted to know about the Cheez-it disease and went to ask the young whippersnapper, but Weasil sort of shimmered into nothingness as me eyelids dropped heavy and I went back into a blessed coma.
Gabe
Copyright © 2014 All rights reserved
5 comments:
Welcome back Gabe! I missed you and my daily dose of blarney was sadly lacking. I do wish you a speedy recovery and send hugs your way. Loved the part of your story on Cheez-it disease. How a salty treat can be made into an infectious yellow ailment - only you could bring to light. Well done!
LOL Love the idea of the dragon wearing p.j.'s out. doing what the teenagers do.
Cappy you are back! I couldn't see you for the snow, but who is counting inches when you have feet to consider? I know you can take that any way you want to. Sayin'. Pass the rum matey.
a heads up would be nice to know you're back ;(
I love the Weasil's cheezits disease. very clever on your part and the polar fleece had me rolling. get well soon gabe!
Welcome back Gabe you have been missed! Feel better
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