28 April, 2013

When over 50 goes wrong

28 April 2013
661

R. Linda:

Well, it has come to my attention today that if one is over 50, one should cut the teenage vocabulary off at the ankles. I was nearly driven to distraction by a woman who was well over 50 and sounded like she just got out of high school. No, it wasn't pretty. It was embarrassing -- for her, but she didn't seem to know it.

I guess there is always one person in the crowd who holds onto youth with fake fingernails and hopes that the dab of eyeliner will cover nature's design and somehow the rest of us with poor ageing eyesight won't notice she or, in some cases, he, isn't the vibrant youth of long, long ago.

We were invited to neighbours for a welcome home party in honour of their Afghanistan Vet son. It was a lovely gathering of his friends and neighbours. Everyone was happy to see him home and supportive of his deployment. One person wanted to be the centre of attention and, unfortunately, was. She's a blond chickie whom I've met at prior get-togethers, and she is a piece of teenage work, though it's been a long time since she saw the other side of 50. This gal is in her mid-fifties, my wife says late fifties, but it doesn't matter, just know "she's up there." She has two teenage sons, correction one teenager aged 19 and one young man aged 21. And it seems she is one of those divorced types who are on the prowl for a man; yes, she is. And it doesn't matter if that man is married or not. She will give it a flirty go even IF the wife stands 3 feet away. I tell ya!

So here's the deal, this time, the party was poolside, and she came dressed like a 20-year-old. She was wearing a short skirt because she thinks she has good legs (they look like chicken sticks to me), a jingly chain belt, a sparkly top that, when the sun reflected off the water, blinded just about everyone near her, or at the very least, we all were sporting flashy dots before our eyes. The hair was striped blond on blond like a skunk, you know, those great chunks of colour that look like thick stripes of one colour and then the other, which looks as natural as if I tried colouring someone's hair. She had gobs of makeup, so much so that I wondered if she used a jackhammer to get it off. She had on heels that gave her at least 8 more inches of height, and she tottered in them. All I could think of was PAIN each time she lurched by. Of course, as she began to totter, she'd conveniently fall into the arms of whatever man was nearby, and of course, the giggling like a dumb blond would take over. The words, "I'm such a klutz sometimes," would be uttered in a very feminine put-on voice like she were Marilyn Monroe. Oi!

We had all got plates of food and were basically mingling while we ate. All was well UNTIL Sparkle-A-Plenty (for want of a name) came up to the small party of four men (me included) who were talking about Obamacare. Giggling, she fell into Sam (who is married and probably the youngest of our little chat circle). She gave him her klutz line, and he rights her up, so she's standing on her own with a smile and a quick glance to see where his wife is. As the wife is nowhere in sight, he lets out a sigh of relief and continues talking about Obamacare. But not for long because she interrupted him and said, "Oh M Gee, like I love your 'compassionate conservatism' but like we all need like universal health insurance, like I think this new health care thingie, like is just the sickest thing to do Dudes, cus if when we run outta monee, we will need the G O V (yes she spelt that out) to keep us freakin' healthy, YOLO!"

Yup, she said it just like that, and we all felt very uncomfortable because we had been bemoaning the new healthcare system when Ms. Obama Fan, AKA Sparkle-A-Plenty, put her two-pence in. To not embarrass her, we quickly changed gears and said how good the food was especially the macaroni salad. I know, I know, we wimped out.

We are all guilty of using the current teenage slang every once in a while, but really? She went for the full Monty she did. Every other word was peppered with the word "like." LIKE she wasn't sure of anything she said, which was probably indeed the case. And when she was finished with the word LIKE, she went into this: "You know? What's that dude's name? Oh, you know . . . whatshisname, LIKE Donald something, you know?" Yeah, she took the "you knows" out and combined them with LIKE and well, it was LIKE talking to someone just about to repeat kindergarten combined with a bad memory problem.

When one of us finally figured out she was referring to "that rich guy" Donald Trump, she said, "LOL", and we all sort of looked covertly at each other, but not for long, because this pearl dropped out of her mouth next, "LIKE I think the Donald is a hottie!" Oh, sure, and so did we, NOT. WTF? When she asked us if we thought the Donald was hot, we all said NO! And she accused us of having our own 'bromance' going with Mark Cuban. One of us didn't know who Mark Cuban was, so that was bizarre; well, the whole conversation was nothing short of bizarre.

"OHHH, I have LIKE to stop drinkin' this, like I'll be 'smashed' ok?" She said, rolling her eyes and showing us the umbrella drink that she was nearly finished with. WHICH allowed Sam to ask her if she needed another, to which she said, "Squib me deux Zima, G bones!" He went off to never return, the bastard. Leaving three of us with the ditz head.

"LIKE Gabriel, you ever been to LIKE Iraq? LIKE in your business they send you over there, LIKE to report or something, OK?"

Oi! Like to report or something. Gees the woman. I told her no, just a simple no, and shut me pie hole.

"Like Danny, I heard you bought your wife a new Mazda, OK, LIKE COOL! LIKE when I heard that, I thought, wow, rich DUDE, you know? Like I bet if you had a girlfren' you'd buy her one too!"

And Danny, well, he smiled uncomfortably as his face took on a bright red hue and nodded just before he downed his entire rock glass of straight Glenlivet in one gulp. Holding the empty glass, he gestured he was on his way for another and told us he had to check his 'binder full of women'. That left me and my neighbour Ben. Oh, we knew we were stuck. Our minds were racing with an excuse to get away, but we were saved! Yes, we were. My wife showed up, making Ms. Sparkle-A-Plenty totter off to her next group of males.

But it didn't end there, no R. Linda, it was pool time! And our pesky blond person came . . . oh, let me set this up for you just the way I saw it.

In the dazzling sunlight, wearing oversized mirror sunglasses, a huge floppy straw sun hat, tottering on 8" black high heels, dressed in a bronze sparkly wet-look bikini, sporting a huge bright yellow towel with a giant daisy on it, came Sparkle to poolside. Now the pool is heated, so this was early enough in the season for Sparkle to be decked out in what she thought was 'come hither' attire. It was also her way of showing off for the "girlfriens" (yes, that is what she called the women at the party (SIGH)) that she had a good figure for having had two kiddos. Now, this did not go over big with the pregnant wife, no, no, it did not, NOR did it go over with any other women there. The ones over thirty were in one-piece swimsuits because (none of them) were competing with anyone else, including the twenty-somethings in bikinis, nor were they interested in roping in someone else's husband or the young single 20-something men. No, they were there for the man of honour that day, not to show off what they had or didn't have.

Nope, only Sparkle was sparkling herself to a poolside chair, where she made quite the show of placing her towel so her rear end was to be admired by all, and as she made her poolside nest, the cleavage was flashed as well. Then she got herself into her chair and asked a hunky young male guest to slather her in suntan lotion, which he refused. YES, R. Linda, he REFUSED! Can you imagine a male refusing? Well, he did, and he took off and stood beside his girlfriend, who looked smugly back at Sparkle, who didn't (because of the sun in her eyes) see the look she was getting. Well, she did find one volunteer, Arnie Schmitt, who we call Schmitty. He is a 40-something with thick glasses covering a pasty and somewhat bad complexion, a bald guy, and a nerd. And the good news is -- HE'S SINGLE!

Reluctantly, very reluctantly, she allowed him to put lotion on her shoulders and then told him, "Ok, AWKWARD, like that's enough, ok!" And he moved off, embarrassed by her loud remarks and actually left the party, or as Sparkle called it, par-tay because he thought she purposely did that. And she did! He wasn't good enough, let's face it. Married guys are so much safer. That's what Carol (a friend of ours) said.

Now Carol is a petite little thing with a figure better than Sparkle's. She's quite a bit younger. Carol is a 32-year-old TRAINER. Anyway, what she lacks in height, she gains in personality, and she's just so darned CUTE! You know that phrase cute as a button? That's Carol. She's a brunette, no skunk stripes for her, and in a one-piece bathing suit, well, a bikini-clad Sparkle couldn't hold a candle. So over to Sparkle goes Cutey Carol. She sits in the pool chair beside our wannabe siren and says, "You could have been nicer to Arnie. He thought he was helping."

"SHOCKER like, you know he's NOT my boyfriend, OK?" Sparkle retorts in a loud whisper.

"No one here is, are they?" Carol flipped back.

"Like, what do you mean?"

"You said "boyfriend" you are referring to, for you, the guy that buys you nice jewellery."

Uh oh. I was standing not far away, so I heard all this and was thinking, CAT FIGHT!

But Sparkle wasn't going to engage. She got up and said, "BRB."

And not liking the computer lingo, Carol looks up at her and says, "Seriously? Save that for the teenagers on the other side of the pool."

That stopped Sparkle in her tottering heels.

"Like, what did you say?" She tottered, her swaying shadow making the sun come and go across Carol's face.

"You heard me," Carol said, returning Sparkle's stare.

"Like you don't have to get your whitey tighties in a twist, ok?"

"The proper word is UNDERWEAR." Carol corrected with a sneer.

"Panties," Sparkle said.

Carol shook her head and said to her, "How old are you? You hurry back now, you hear?" And she laughed to herself as Sparkle tottered off.

I looked at Tonya, and she looked at me. We had stuffed our mouths full of food to keep from saying anything or laughing out loud, as Sparkle would have put it, so we didn't LOL.

Tonya took herself next to Carol's chair and said softly, "You know Carol, Sparkle won't call you her "girlfren'" anymore," she giggled.

"Well, she's not black, so she has no right to use that," Carol said, smiling.

"Girlfren'," Tonya laughed, "high five!" And they did. I had a question and quietly asked Carol why she was sticking it to Sparkle.

"She came in and started immediately on my Freddie. She was hanging on him, laughing at his silly jokes, and sometimes, no offence, Gabe, but you guys just don't get it. Anyway, when she couldn't get his undivided attention, it might be because I joined the group; she went off to work her immature magic on you."

"You think?" Tonya smiled.

"Yeah, it was strangely bizarre. She was talking like she's 16." I said, "Too many "oks, likes, ya knows, neato, cool dudes, etc."

"Let me tell you, if she had Tonya's ear, she'd need protective headgear and professional supervision; she didn't get her head handed to her. Like I said, the 'girlfriends' thing is just a bit much coming out of a white woman's mouth. And the Internet words, save them for the Internet! When uttered out loud, they sound plainly STRANGE and STUPID! I realise we all are guilty now and then of reverting to a word our kids use much, BUT not like HER. I am not impressed, and it doesn't make her seem younger than she is, so why? She comes off like a dumb blond with a bad dye job!"

WOW. LOLOLOLOL!!!

"There are definitely words an AARP cardholder should not use. Like 'never, ever.'" Tonya joked.

"She said something to Freddie about "swag" and "salty" and "with it dudes," and I was like, what on earth is she trying to communicate? You could tell everyone was clueless."

"She's just trying to be "in" the know, as they used to say. But I agree." I said.

Well, Sparkle left her daisy towel, floppy straw sun hat, and suntan lotion and never came back as long as Carol was there. It did not stop her from going to the other side of the pool and putting on a show for the younger crowd that naturally congregated to their own age group. She was the life of the party. She was doing cannonballs in the pool, and she was sitting on guys' shoulders in the pool. She even got in on a water volleyball game that pitted the young women against the young men. One of the women even asked her since, "You're the oldest; maybe you should be the referee." And when Sparkle said she wasn't "that old," the youngun said, "Uhhh. . .  yeah, you are." And then thinking quickly finished up with, "I just don't want to see you get hurt."

That didn't deter Sparkle no; instead, it made her mad that her age was showing, so she joined in and was a wet, drowned mess by the end of it. Not only that, but she was drunk as a skunk (with hair to match). A falling down drunk at that. What a spectacle she made of herself. But the sad is, she won't remember any of that. I tell ya, I don't know what it is, but maybe she can't deal with being older, or she's just lonely. I don't know, but when I think of how she looks with the bright striped hair, the youngish clothing, and the slang terms, she comes up as the last person one would want to be caught in an elevator with OR on a deserted island.

I know over 50 women who are intelligent, put together, refined and sociable without the false sparkle. They have an inner light that radiates warmth and goodness. Not one uses words that hit you over the head like a sledgehammer, nor are they touchy-feely social misfits looking for anything in trousers. But like Tonya says, "There is always one, and you should feel sad for them because they just have not grown up and simply don't know how they come off." Well, I guess.

Gabe
Copyright © 2013 All rights reserved

14 comments:

mobit22 said...

LOL

personally, I hate text speak coming out of anyones mouth. Like you know what I mean dude?LMAO

KIDDING! I don't even like it when kids do it! I don't know anyone with inner light, so tell me who it is!

Dew said...

In honour of your story I put up my new pic. Stripey hair and over 50 LOL

Anonymous said...

50? Anyone over the age of 25 should have their mouths washed out with soap for sounding stupid. But look, aside from the woman's speech it sounds like she wants attention and doesn't care how she gets it. Sad that is. Also, as an authority on hair as it seems this blog has deemed myself, I will also say the "skunk" look as you apty refer to it, is ugly. As a man, I like the natural look of sunlight in a blonde's hair. But that's me. I'm sure the younger and "punker" among us think the "skunk chunks" look "wicked cool". It could have been worse, she could have put pink streaks in it. But on an older woman, no. The wet-look bikini, a real turn off unless she's a 20 something with a figure, then go for it. I also sympathise on "Arnie" that's a hell of a thing to do to anyone. She sounds like she needs therapy and AA. You do lead a strange life I must admit.

Gabriel O'Sullivan said...

Oh no you aren't a "Sparkle" are you? LMAO

Gabriel O'Sullivan said...

Uh oh, LOLOLOLOLOL

Dew said...

Thankfully no. :-)

Fionnula said...

the problem is you guy act like nothing is wrong when someone makes an ass out of themselves. instead of cluing her in you all run off and say nothing. she probably thinks her behavior is acceptable.

Dew said...

I like to think of mine as sun kissed highlights lol.

Fionnula said...

you, Lucky, need a new picture for us to appreciate the hair lol i don't like the zebra look either looks like a do it yourself kit used at home.

mobit22 said...

I LIKE hair! just not on MY head. LOL don't like striped hair. My new best friend is my hair clipper. buzzzzz! as for bikinis? eh
you know they're not for swimming, just for showing off the goodies.LOL

Gabriel O'Sullivan said...

You've had the buzz cut since I met you. SIGH. Did you know they are making hobbit size bikini crocs now?

Dew said...

I hear ya. I don't like face lifts either.

mobit22 said...

HEY don't make fun of my Crocs! I love those things.LOL
as for the woman being clueless? yes she is, but anyone telling her ANYTHNG, she will take it as a jealous comment! LIKE you know you want me!LOL

mobit22 said...

and I'm not a hobbit!