Post Cards From The . . . Mindless

12 January 2013

620

R. Linda:

Let's start this jolly story with a few postcards from people who shouldn't travel. OR, more like needn't write.

First, some postcards from me own parental units who informed us they were going on a world tour. Yes indeed, and I have found upon asking where in the world they were going that the answer was a very small world. England! That to me is not a world tour, but we are talking old people here, one who be going through a second childhood and acts the teenage hooligan and the other, who decidedly is NOT going through a second childhood, but feels like she's the teenage hooligan's mother and not his wife, AND none too happy about it. I dunno. I don't feel the need to go into this "situation" with any analysis because quite truthfully there is none.

So let us proceed. With the Yule season over in Britain, the Royal Post be moving much quicker and well, even without a holiday season it usually crawls along, so we are back to the usual crawling just a tad quicker. I know I make little sense, but it's been a nerve-wracking day. So the other day I got Post Card Number One, and because the handwriting be so bad I'll just type the message out. Here it is:

Hi there kids! Yes, you guessed it. This is our new house. Just one problem how do we fit in your mother's suitcase? See you soon. Love, Da and Mam

Yup, that was the first one and well, OK typical. I be sure me Mam never saw the post on that one. I suppose that be me Da's teenage humour bursting free.

Next one:

Hi, there Gabe! You would have loved this place! Lots of armour and lots of torture devices! What a scream! We thought we'd install one at home for when you visit. See ya soon. Love, Mam and Da

Gees the woman!

Then this came:

Hi kids! We spent the day looking for this guy, but we couldn't find him! Maybe you'd like to fill the job, Gabe? We thought he sort of resembled you. See ya soon. Love, Da and Mam

Yeah got to love them -- NOT! Me da ever the teenage comedian.

And this one came, which confused me that they went from Warwick to Glastonbury which I be supposing now, that Warwick be the very east of the world and Glastonbury be the very western side of it. SIGH

Hi kids, Now here be a great spot if you want to get away from the kiddos. Of course, they say it be the gate to the underworld (hell) and you may find some fiendish company there but, I guess you won't have to worry about "someones" opening the door and sleeping on the floor. Miss ya. Love Mam and Da

Oi, oi, oi! She be referring to the kiddos who during Christmas kept coming into Tonya and my room in the middle of the night complaining they heard someone walking around. It was me da invading the refrigerator but they did not believe that because they could hear him snoring. It was me mam that was doing the snoring. Anyway, we'd put them back to bed and in the morning find them curled up on the floor by our bed hard and fast asleep!

And isn't she the witty one letting me us know that the underworld be another word for hell, like we are not as educated as she. Oi!

And finally, not to let this last go, but it be from the Weasil who had made his way FINALLY out west.

Hey Gabby, Thought yer would like ta see where Ima stayin'. It iz the same placie dat President Regan stays. Hey, iz he still alive? Anywayz I have a roomie dat iz bigger den yer house, hee hee. I actually have four rooms. Dis iz the placie President Regan stays. Did I mention dat already? Be seein' yer arse soon. Weas

I can just smell the cannabis. He needs to be committed. How he's out in the world on his own without medication I don't know. That he even knows who President Regan is I have no clue. That he isn't sure the man be passed on, does not surprise me.

So this afternoon we celebrated me birthday. I thought I was going out to lunch and found meself at our two English friends' tavern. I thought this was great, have bangers and mash, and a few beers, but as I was escorted into one of the tavern rooms there were a bunch of me neighbours and a few friends. Seems Tonya had a birthday surprise for me. The only surprise that was really a surprise that I could have done without was Officer Percy (in uniform) which makes me nervous. He put out his meaty big hand, almost breaking mine in a hearty handshake which I still be feeling. He bought me a Redneck wine glass as a present. If you've never seen one here it is:

 

Just WHAT am I to do with THIS?

He must have read me mind because he quipped, "Pour that jar of moonshine and cherries in so you look the part," and guffawed, slapping his knee like this was great fun. Right.

The birthday cards I got, oh my. They all had to do with bathroom humour and I be clueless. But Tonya said because Jake (a friend of mine at work) never gives a card that isn't in bad taste, he influenced the rest of them to let him buy the cards. And they all consented and signed them accordingly, so when I opened one after the other I was taken aback I was. Some even had sounds! I tell ya.

So after opening about three presents, I had to wonder if this wasn't a yankee swap. Each one I opened I feigned being thrilled about, but thinking in the back of me mind, "THIS gets regifted!" "THIS I save for a yankee swap!" "This gets thrown in the trash!" and on it went, me smiling, them laughing and I thinking they all be crazy.

It got so bad I informed me wife privately that I will not be celebrating me birthday with friends ever again, and if they talk her into such, NO CARDS, NO GIFTS.

Once the humiliation was over, I realised there were no menus and no need! Jake, once again decided I'd like PIZZA! There we were in an English pub eating pizza. I will say the pub owner who doubles as a chef did a fine job, but once I saw where I was having birthday lunch, I had me heart set on bangers and mash. But pizza it was because JAKE told everyone that's what I wanted. To be fair here, he did ask me at work if he took me out to lunch where did I want to go and to save him money I said a PIZZA joint. Well, I didn't know the question was a trick one! And the entire afternoon, the other pub owner was razzing me in his English accent about being in his establishment ordering Italian food! Think Ricky Gervais having a good time at me expense because that's what it seemed like. I dunno.

The entire ride home I kept asking Tonya, "Do I come off as a redneck? I mean, I never saw so many redneck gifts in me life!"

"Oh, it was all just a joke!" She laughed. "Jake thinks you are too much the refined Brit and so he thought this would be funny, but I understand, if you had been let in on the joke it wouldn't have been so upsetting, but then we'd not have the laughs we did."

I looked at her. Me own wife is with the OTHER SIDE.

"Yeah at me expense," I whined.

"Was something different," she said brightly.

"I'll say. I won't soon forget it. I can't wait for all of them to have their birthdays coming up. I have some great card ideas and oh do I have a lot of regifting to do."

I am home now, wondering if I should be in the throes of depression, but I look over at the table with all my "gifts" and I find me thinking about who be getting what for their birthday and it makes me feel so much the better.

Gabe
Copyright © 2013 All rights reserved