Calvin Klein, ME and the CK Black Crows

19 November 2012

607

R. Linda:

Last Thursday night around 11 p.m. I was at me abode relaxing. Yes, I was. I was watching the 11 o'clock news coming on when there was a pounding at the front door. The kiddos were in bed, but the pounding got O'Hare up where he was sleepily walking around rubbing his eyes and bumping into walls. Tonya had been curled up on the couch all set to view the news, and this pounding had her sitting up with a scowl on her face, like 'Who could that be at this hour?'

I got up and called "Who is it?" The answer was enough to make me hot Irish blood go to ice.

"Iz me Weasil and I gotz Rabby wit me."

"NOOO," Tonya said getting up and fleeing the room.

What could I do? I had already let the two reprobates know I was home, so to the door, I went and there they were laughing, an arm thrown over each other's shoulders in buddy fashion, looking like they had been on an all-night bender and now they were at me abode to crash. I tell ya, a man can't get any peace!

"I thought you went to Colorado?" I said as the two lumbered in.

"I wuz but den I ran inta Rabby at da airport an we went fer a goodbye drinkie and it took a week befur I membered where I wuz supposda be a-goin'," Weasil mumbled in brutalised drunken English.

"Really? And now here you are!" I said watching me eldest bump into another wall. I had to go get the kiddo before he caused himself brain damage. I scooped him up and told them I'd be right back. Tonya was getting ready for bed, and I knew she was leaving these two-night visitors to me.

Once back I found the two of them on the couch. Rabby sipped cold coffee from Tonya's cup where she left it. Now she's as bad as me Da about HER CUP and it even says "Tis Herself" on it. SO himself drinking out of HERSELF''S cup was a no, no. I froze. I thanked St. Patrick she was indisposed to see this or Rabby would be wearing cold coffee, and she'd have smashed the cup in the fire grate -- "NEVER to drink from THAT again after his cold, sour lips had touched it!" Oh yeah, she'd say that.

 

Tonya's sacred cup

I grabbed the cup away and told them I still had hot coffee in the kitchen and they both followed me like dogs to the food bowl. I got her cup in the dishwasher fast and poured the two of them the last of the coffee. I closed the kitchen door to keep the loud voice level of Kincaid down in particular.

"Sos here iz da dealie," Weasil mumbled, "we iz needin a trip ta Kittery (dat be in Maine in casie yer dint member), an since yer arse knoz hows ta gits dere, we figured ya could drive."

"And we need this trip to MAINE WHY?" I asked stunned.

"Cuz dae young scomp heah, yeah," Rabby was saying in his thick drunken Scottish accent, "lost hiz suitcases at the arrport and it could be weeks, hell years before da arrline finds em', and so we need ta deck out the young laddie in new duds!"

"Do we? Do we really?" I asked astounded. Both of them were dressed for a summer footy game. It had to be 30 degrees Fahrenheit outside and here they were. "Yeah, I guess we do," I said looking at the goose flesh on bare legs, flip flops on feet. The two of them, I just don't know about them!

OK, it was too late in the evening for this discussion. I got the gist of where the suitcases went, which was on the plane the young rapscallion was SUPPOSED to have been on. They had arrived days earlier in Denver and were now locked away waiting for the Weasil to claim them. ONLY, he wasn't there he was here and since he was here, he was planning on staying a few more days and well, he couldn't borrow Rabby's clothes because Mr. Kincaid was short and stout and he couldn't borrow any of mine, because I was tall and too skinny. I know the teacup song comes to mind.

"Well . . ." I said in conspirator mode, "You do know don't you, there is a mall not far from here and you could go there instead of to Maine." What reasoning there was, IF there was any, for a trip to Maine made no sense to me. And it wasn't like the Weasil had no money, so this deal of invading what was me happy home for a shopping trip ala Dragon, I had no clue.

"But . . . " Weasil said leaning toward me across the table, "we needies yer valued opinion on wear fer da New Hampsha man."

"But you are talking Maine and SALES TAX, and besides YOU aren't from New Hampshire, you're a displaced Scottish British guy. Oh, go on with ya! Can't you come up with some other lame excuse for ME taking you two to Maine? Oh wait a minute, Rabby don't you live there somewhere? Why don't YOU take him to Maine?" I said was trying to be the voice of reason.

"No, cuz I donnae have the same sense of style as yerself, yeah? And I cannae figure out me left sock from me right at times, and I donnae live in Maine, I live in Massachusetts." (Which figures because people from Massachusetts are well . . . ) And he guffawed loud enough that O'Hare was once again awakened and walked into the kitchen and straight into the refrigerator door. I tell ya, that kid just can't wake up sometimes. So once again, I scooped him up and stuck him back in bed.

I will spare you the very long and stupid conversation on this matter, and just let you know they weren't taking NO for an answer, so I had them crash, both in the parlour.

 

How I left the two miscreants

I did not sleep that night, and at 6 a.m. when I finally did get to sleep, I was rudely awakened by me not fully awake wife in the kitchen as she bumped her way in (yes, she be as bad as O'Hare) and discovered Rabby and Weasil busy in the kitchen making breakfast. I came running to see what had her when I remembered the 'house guests'. I calmed her down as her eyes got really big because sitting on the counter was her CUP and Rabby was pouring himself a big cuppa IN HER CUP! Thinking fast (before she committed murder), I grabbed the cup and handed it to her.

"HEY!" He protested and then shrugged getting down another cup and pouring himself a gigantic cuppa. Only this time it was me turn for my heart to skip a beat, he had ME CUP!

 

Yeah means what you think it means

He was too fast for me, he had it to his cold, sour lips quicker than I could utter, "HEY THAT BE ME CUP!"

"Don't worry dear, I'll run it through the dishwasher a few times, then boil it in bleach and it should be good as new," Tonya quipped but if it had been HER cup, not funny.

Again to shorten painful conversations I called in sick to work and drove to Kittery, Maine. I was hoping to lose both of them in Kittery and leave their arses stranded while I sped home to peace and quiet. Only I couldn't shake them.

"Why Kittery again?" I asked, "Do refresh me boggled brain."

"Cuz dey haz a big black Fridae sale early," Weasil said smugly.

"Like you need a sale," I grumbled. Then I thought about the Black Friday sale which was next week, but this was Friday too, a week before, so where were we going with this? I had to ask meself, DID I really want to know? No, I did not.

So I put up with quips at my expense the entire way there. Like these:

"Ooh lookie dere Gabby dint pull off ta Hampton Beach dis timie."

"Ock, wouldnae look at dis Irishman drive dis highway like he knoz whereah he's goin'."

Then it got really stupid because they were both talking in what they thought crossed for Irish accents.

"Ooh begorrah, and fedora we found Portsmouth and fer a changie we iz takin da rite bridge wot a change a pace."

"Ock begorrah and saints paserve us, we ahrr in KITTERY the boyo made it in record time with no foyibles hinderin' his way."

"Foibles?" I muttered. "SO where to first kids?" I sneered and then my sneer became a snarl as they argued over Ralph Lauren or J Crew. I pulled in where both stores were one across from the other. I got out, and I started for J Crew because Lauren (even the outlet) is expensive. As I stepped on the curb to head for Crew they came running passed me and then got stuck in the door, one trying to get in before the other, so as they popped in finally, I turned and went to Calvin Klein next door. I was thinking of getting away from them and when I saw them outside, to maybe rejoin them. But the blackbirds of prey that work at Calvin Klein were on me like a feeding frenzy. I had forgotten about them from the last time I was there. They swoop down and whisk the shopper away with many bird-like, "Can I help you? Can I show you what's on sale today? Is there something, in particular, you're looking for?" That last would be, "Yes, I be looking for a way out!"

It's awful I tell ya. They pick you up by the elbows so your feet don't touch the floor and glide you along. I tried to extradite meself from at least six of them who had got hold of me and had me almost to the back of the store where the cash register was, and they were showing me items as they glided me there.

"Wrong store!" I shouted, "I thought I was in Ralph Lauren!"

With a stunningly amazing suddenness, they dropped me elbows where they had been lifting me towards the cash register and all of them, all six turned on their heels and disappeared leaving me standing at the counter of what, for all intents and purposes, looked like an empty store. I had found the magic words. I smiled to meself in the mirror over the counter. I was smug with satisfaction as I turned around to make my way out and said loud enough to never be accosted again, "Yes, I must get to RALPH LAUREN." And I fast paced meself right out the glass door just in time to meet up with the two crazies I had left at J Crew.

I led them to me Saturn and stuck their bags in the trunk.

"I guess we're finished," I said hopefully.

"Nope, nope, nopers we MUST go to Ralph Lauren," Weasil said leaving us standing by the motor.

Rabby ran after him, leaving me thinking that now was my chance, I could dump the bags back out of the boot and take off for home, but no, I couldn't bring meself to do it. I decided to sit in the car. As I was sitting there, I felt like I was being watched. It was decidedly an uncomfortable feeling, and I couldn't shake it. I looked around and saw no one, but then out of the corner of me eye, I caught quick movement to my left. I had a terrible feeling, so making like I was fussing with my hair I turned me rear view mirror so it showed me all of Calvin Klein, and yup there they were only now there were eight, the first six were hiding behind clothing racks and pointing at me as they told their story of how I had the nerve to utter the competitions name in the heart of their store. I know that's what it was about.

I decided to give them something to talk about, so I got out of the motor, slammed the door completely forgetting about the inertia lock, and made me way towards their store. As soon as they saw me coming they disappeared hunched over between the racks trying to flee to the back of the store. But I was too fast I saw a couple of them and shouted,

"OH MY GOD, I did it again! This ISN'T RALPH LAUREN. This is that store that never has a soul inside but the crows that work here. I must get to RALPH LAUREN to cleanse me eyes of such inferiour clothing!" I gave a mock moan and walked across to Lauren's but not without feeling the hate coming from the eight pairs of eyes watching me from behind the Klein clothing racks. I know, stupid, but it needed to be done for my own satisfaction.

It was easy to find Weasil once inside Lauren's. There he was decked out in . . . are you ready for this? A dress shirt (not tucked) with loose tie, and a Lauren dark blue blazer WITH the shorts he had on and his flip-flops. And get this, the female population thought he was the darling of the store looking so . . . styling. Yeah right. But they did. The other one, I had notta clue where he was until I could hear his booming voice all the way on the other side of the store.

I decided to take a picture of Weasil in full (or partial) stylin' apparel until I realised I left me mobile phone and keys in the car. I went out to me motor and saw a parking place closer to Lauren's, so I got in and found the inertia switch had kicked in from me slamming the door for the benefit of the Klein crows and me motor wouldn't start. YUP. And to make matters worse once they saw me turning me keys in the ignition, not once, but a lot of times, they all came out of hiding and stood in the window laughing. Yup, they did.

Shortly after I was joined by my two companions, loaded down with two large bags each. I forgot the motor for a short moment such was me shock at the size of the bags.

"How long you staying?" I asked suspiciously.

"I dunno," Weasil shrugged catching a glimpse of my keys in the ignition, and us outside. "You lock yer keys in da motor?"

"No, I did something even more foolish, I slammed the door and the inertia switch kicked in. So I can't start the motor."

"Welly, at least ya knoz it iz werkin'," Weasil said like it was no big deal.

Well, it was a big deal to me because that meant I was stranded with the two reprobates! Out of state mind you, just them and ME! That's scary all at once.

To cut to the chase, they don't make Saturns anymore, so when something like this happens you can't call a dealer to come help. Meanwhile, the two reprobates (completely unfazed) shopped like women. They went WINDOW SHOPPING inside the stores. The Gap had to be the worst, because while Weasil wouldn't be caught dead wearing "Chinese apparel" his cohort would and was trying everything he liked on. Weasil took himself to the mannequins and sat next to them not moving to which one young thing said to another, "Wow, they are making them more life-like." Right, and The Gap would set up a mannequin wearing Ralph Lauren. OK! Yes, they were blonds.

When Kincaid finally tore himself away (buying nothing) we walked from one end of Kittery to the other. At every store, they'd discuss the motor being disabled and they each had ideas on how to fix it, but they all ended in a "Noh, dat wouldna werk," from Rabby or, "Nope, nope, nopers dat ain't gonner do it ethah," from the Weasil until finally Rabby got on his phone and told me he had called a garage, but it would take a while for them to get there. The good news was once they did, they'd give Rabby a jingle and we could hoof it back to the motor for "fixin'."

I left them at a store called Coach. I thought it was sporting equipment, that's how versed in ladies' pocketbooks I am. I sat outside wondering at the number of women going into the store, there were no men I could see, and getting tired of waiting I went in to find my two companions. There I found at least four men seated on a long divan looking harassed. As I looked around I noticed the purses, wallets, and what all and only then realised I was not in a sporting goods store.

Just as I joined the woebegone, me two mates came up to me, Weasil with a bag. I asked what colour purse he bought himself, but he informed me he had bought his wife a clutch, whatever that is.

"Timie to go and git da motor in gear and den go git sum eats," Weasil said walking passed me. I hurried after the two of them complaining we had not heard from the garage, it was now 2:45 and getting dark, and yadda, yadda, yadda.

We got to the motor, no sign of the Klein crows, and Rabby got down and under the bonnet and said, "Ok that duz er', open sesame," at which Weasil opened the driver's door and turned the key and the Saturn came to life.

"How did you do that? And how did you know HOW to do that?" I asked. Well, turns out Rabby is a builder of race cars. Nuff said. But all that time he had me walking me skinny arse off all over Kittery thinking he had called a garage that didn't care and we were going to be stuck there.

Turns out Weasil bought himself a couple of outfits for the next few days and the purse for Amanda. Rabby purchased nothing. Weasil explained he had the Lauren blazer so he'd be "spiffy fer da plane an not offendin' any purdy ladies," he may be sitting next to. AS IF!

We stopped in Portsmouth, New Hampshire at the Coat of Arms and I bought us all lunch/early dinner of sausage rolls, bangers and mash with Boddington's Light Cream Ale. We sat by the fire on one side and the footy game going just across by the bar. I will say as tired and strung out as I was, I did enjoy their squirrelly company.

Well, the ride home was peaceful with Rabby snoring in the backseat and me and Weasil in the front. I asked Weasil why Maine? Why Kittery? And the answer was simple, "Cuz Rabby's never been and wanted to see wot all da fuss wuz 'bout." Why couldn't they have told me that to begin with?

The Weasil amazed me by sighing and saying in perfect British English, "Gads, how lovely is that sunset?"

And it was, all purple and golden, with aqua and the shades of fall orange streaking across the horizon.

Here are a few shots taken by Mr. W through the windscreen.
                                                                                       

Homeward bound

                                                                                       

If anything, Rabby can now say he's been to Kittery, and I can say the CK crows and meself have officially parted ways, and lastly, I have to admit the young whippersnapper looks good in a Lauren blazer keeping the toffy population happy he's still "stylin'" like the Toff he be. Oi!

Gabe
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