09 February 2012
497
R. Linda:
What can be said when you throw together two Irishmen, two Scots, an American, and a Chinese woman for a Valentine's dinner? CHAOS -- that be the word.
Why anyone in their right mind would spend Valentine's Day with others instead of their significant other, I'll never know. I know this be the LAST time I share me wife's favourite day to pig out on chocies and drink champagne until she's green to the gills. I won't deny her that personal pleasure ever again. No, no, I won't and I promise before all me readers I SHALL NOT INDULGE IN PRE-VALENTINE FESTIVITIES unless . . . I be drugged, blind and helpless!
It came about like this. I got a phone call Tuesday from Weasil and wife. THEY were leaving the kidlets (thank the fates) behind and were coming to spend Valentine's Day here in tropical New Hampshire where it never snows, it's sunny all the time and the parrots are everywhere in colourful profusion. Ah yes, they are. I got this phone call at 4 a.m. my time. In Weasil's part of the world, it was 9 a.m. and he was enjoying his brekkie. Yes, he was munching toast with jam, cleaning up eggs with blood pud and loads of Earl Grey. Me? I could hardly remember me name or where the hell I was. So I said yes to everything because I was half asleep. Imagine me surprise when the next day just after lunch -- YESTERDAY to be exact -- it hit me what that conversation was and what I agreed to. It was no dream, it was REAL. Oi!
Talk about a deer caught in headlights, I was on me break sitting across from Ms. Jaio when me expression went EPIPHANY. She looked at me like, uh oh and then asked me what I had just remembered that I had forgotten. Good way to put it. Well, I told her and said I could not change it, it was destined to be because he had the plane tickets and was going to be out of touch until he arrived HERE!
"U fuk up," said she, then an idea hit her. "U nead doobie dat tak pesser off kep wif occupod."
Yes, a double date to distract the wife! I asked her if she had any suggestions and she did not, but just as we got up to leave for our cubicle, more like MY cubicle, who should walk by but that handsome stud of an Irishman . . . yes, yes, yes, PATRICK. I left Jaio and went dashing after him like a demented reindeer. He must have caught the sight of me out of the corner of his eye because he started running, yes R. Linda, he did and well, I was not to be put off I sprinted after his arse, AND I caught him in the elevator. He looked scared, and well he should. We both stood there, neither of us needed to go up or down, but cornered he caved.
"Oi, what do you ye want now Gabriel? And please don't mention the M word or her sister R, I couldn't do that again."
(Refer to 24/05/2011 The Irish Dating Service Continues to Function in this blog for Patrick/Rose date that went so wrong) AND (22/01/2012 Well That Went Well . . . Not for the Maureen/Patrick date that didn't go so well either)
"I be not askin' ya about dem. I taught maybe your type would be petite, dark-haired, no Irish blood at all and not American, so you have no worries on getting dressed like . . . well you know. So listen, me friends from Scotland are flyin' in fer Valentine's Day and well, I taught it isn't lucky to spend Valentine's Day alone, and you don't want THAT because it means the rest of the year you'll be dateless."
Yes, I lied, that's a New Year's Eve superstition but he didn't know and I was on a mission I was. He looked at me and gulped and asked if that was really the truth, and I said it was, and he gulped again and asked me if he knew this non-Irish, non-American girl I just spoke of, and I lied again and said no he didn't and he said, no not another blind date, and I said, she's not blind she's intelligent, works in the news business is new to this country, has lots in common with his wonderful, good looking self. Yes, I did. I was desperate!
"Well listen here Gabe, you set me up with that Rose, which was a disaster in itself, den you got me a date with dat woman who suffered frum lazy cow syndrome, who claimed thousands in benefits to support her heroin and cocaine treatment and ye never bothered ta tell me all dis until I found meself on the eleven o'clock news!"
"Oh fer sure, I be sorry about THAT, but I didn't know meself," I hung me head in feigned shame and shook it like a wag. "But I promise ya dis, I know dis girl and she be not sufferin' lazy cow or be she a fashion plate. She has a little trooble with English, but she can write beautifully." YES, I LIED LIKE A RUG, BUT he bought it!
"So who's dis Scottish coople?" He asked as we walked out of the elevator.
"Well," I sighed, "sad story he's a blue blood from Scotland, thinks earning a living is both beneath him and harmful to his health he does, his wife be a blue blood too, and she's always listening at keyholes and be a gossipy thing she be." And I heaved a big sigh.
"And, I'd find this all exciting, why?" He asked stopping and rethinking me proposal.
"Oh because he's actually quite fun, not a snob just misguided and well, he's a laugh a minute and I taught his humour would take the pressure off your first date with Ms. . . . " I caught meself from saying her name but he looked at me hard, so I said, "The nice girl I have set up for your date." I could have bit me tongue off I could for being so slipshod in me address. But you know the subject of Weasil sends me off me guard. Oi!
"So . . . wots her name, dis girl ye got me set wit?" He was suspicious and it was me own damn fault. I had done great up till then.
"Uh . . . Charlotte," I said.
"Charlotte? She be English? Because I'll tell ye right now Gabriel, I won't date no English bird."
"No, no she's uh . . . Charlotte!" I looked brightly at him. "Oh, you remember what they say about Charlottes?"
"No, no I don't," he said still not sure of me.
"Uh . . . they say in that old nursery rhyme, here lies poor Charlotte, who died no harlot, but in her virginity at the age of nineteen, in this vicinity rare to be found or seen!"
SILENCE. He stood there looking at me then he surprised me.
"Okay den, a virgin," he started walking off and turned to me and threw out, "but I don't remember dat song."
I danced, punching the air in celebration and sang 'YES' to meself as I watched his retreating back. I was about to curse meself because it was a tombstone engraving, not a nursery rhyme I had sung, but it didn't matter HE BOUGHT IT! Now all I had to do was tell Charlotte, I mean Ms. Jaio she had a date! Yesss, not an easy feat, but I was already committed. I know, I can hear you in me head that you told me not to resurrect the Irish dating service and what did I do? I did it anyway, BUT I have extenuating circumstances to deal with. I have YET to inform me wife WHO she will be spending Valentine's Day with and I thought a crowd was better than just the two Scottish people who make me life and hers, a living hell at times.
Stay tuned I have Ms. Jaio to convince next.
Gabe
Copyright © 2012 All rights reserved
R. Linda:
What can be said when you throw together two Irishmen, two Scots, an American, and a Chinese woman for a Valentine's dinner? CHAOS -- that be the word.
Why anyone in their right mind would spend Valentine's Day with others instead of their significant other, I'll never know. I know this be the LAST time I share me wife's favourite day to pig out on chocies and drink champagne until she's green to the gills. I won't deny her that personal pleasure ever again. No, no, I won't and I promise before all me readers I SHALL NOT INDULGE IN PRE-VALENTINE FESTIVITIES unless . . . I be drugged, blind and helpless!
It came about like this. I got a phone call Tuesday from Weasil and wife. THEY were leaving the kidlets (thank the fates) behind and were coming to spend Valentine's Day here in tropical New Hampshire where it never snows, it's sunny all the time and the parrots are everywhere in colourful profusion. Ah yes, they are. I got this phone call at 4 a.m. my time. In Weasil's part of the world, it was 9 a.m. and he was enjoying his brekkie. Yes, he was munching toast with jam, cleaning up eggs with blood pud and loads of Earl Grey. Me? I could hardly remember me name or where the hell I was. So I said yes to everything because I was half asleep. Imagine me surprise when the next day just after lunch -- YESTERDAY to be exact -- it hit me what that conversation was and what I agreed to. It was no dream, it was REAL. Oi!
Talk about a deer caught in headlights, I was on me break sitting across from Ms. Jaio when me expression went EPIPHANY. She looked at me like, uh oh and then asked me what I had just remembered that I had forgotten. Good way to put it. Well, I told her and said I could not change it, it was destined to be because he had the plane tickets and was going to be out of touch until he arrived HERE!
"U fuk up," said she, then an idea hit her. "U nead doobie dat tak pesser off kep wif occupod."
Yes, a double date to distract the wife! I asked her if she had any suggestions and she did not, but just as we got up to leave for our cubicle, more like MY cubicle, who should walk by but that handsome stud of an Irishman . . . yes, yes, yes, PATRICK. I left Jaio and went dashing after him like a demented reindeer. He must have caught the sight of me out of the corner of his eye because he started running, yes R. Linda, he did and well, I was not to be put off I sprinted after his arse, AND I caught him in the elevator. He looked scared, and well he should. We both stood there, neither of us needed to go up or down, but cornered he caved.
"Oi, what do you ye want now Gabriel? And please don't mention the M word or her sister R, I couldn't do that again."
(Refer to 24/05/2011 The Irish Dating Service Continues to Function in this blog for Patrick/Rose date that went so wrong) AND (22/01/2012 Well That Went Well . . . Not for the Maureen/Patrick date that didn't go so well either)
"I be not askin' ya about dem. I taught maybe your type would be petite, dark-haired, no Irish blood at all and not American, so you have no worries on getting dressed like . . . well you know. So listen, me friends from Scotland are flyin' in fer Valentine's Day and well, I taught it isn't lucky to spend Valentine's Day alone, and you don't want THAT because it means the rest of the year you'll be dateless."
Yes, I lied, that's a New Year's Eve superstition but he didn't know and I was on a mission I was. He looked at me and gulped and asked if that was really the truth, and I said it was, and he gulped again and asked me if he knew this non-Irish, non-American girl I just spoke of, and I lied again and said no he didn't and he said, no not another blind date, and I said, she's not blind she's intelligent, works in the news business is new to this country, has lots in common with his wonderful, good looking self. Yes, I did. I was desperate!
"Well listen here Gabe, you set me up with that Rose, which was a disaster in itself, den you got me a date with dat woman who suffered frum lazy cow syndrome, who claimed thousands in benefits to support her heroin and cocaine treatment and ye never bothered ta tell me all dis until I found meself on the eleven o'clock news!"
"Oh fer sure, I be sorry about THAT, but I didn't know meself," I hung me head in feigned shame and shook it like a wag. "But I promise ya dis, I know dis girl and she be not sufferin' lazy cow or be she a fashion plate. She has a little trooble with English, but she can write beautifully." YES, I LIED LIKE A RUG, BUT he bought it!
"So who's dis Scottish coople?" He asked as we walked out of the elevator.
"Well," I sighed, "sad story he's a blue blood from Scotland, thinks earning a living is both beneath him and harmful to his health he does, his wife be a blue blood too, and she's always listening at keyholes and be a gossipy thing she be." And I heaved a big sigh.
"And, I'd find this all exciting, why?" He asked stopping and rethinking me proposal.
"Oh because he's actually quite fun, not a snob just misguided and well, he's a laugh a minute and I taught his humour would take the pressure off your first date with Ms. . . . " I caught meself from saying her name but he looked at me hard, so I said, "The nice girl I have set up for your date." I could have bit me tongue off I could for being so slipshod in me address. But you know the subject of Weasil sends me off me guard. Oi!
"So . . . wots her name, dis girl ye got me set wit?" He was suspicious and it was me own damn fault. I had done great up till then.
"Uh . . . Charlotte," I said.
"Charlotte? She be English? Because I'll tell ye right now Gabriel, I won't date no English bird."
"No, no she's uh . . . Charlotte!" I looked brightly at him. "Oh, you remember what they say about Charlottes?"
"No, no I don't," he said still not sure of me.
"Uh . . . they say in that old nursery rhyme, here lies poor Charlotte, who died no harlot, but in her virginity at the age of nineteen, in this vicinity rare to be found or seen!"
SILENCE. He stood there looking at me then he surprised me.
"Okay den, a virgin," he started walking off and turned to me and threw out, "but I don't remember dat song."
I danced, punching the air in celebration and sang 'YES' to meself as I watched his retreating back. I was about to curse meself because it was a tombstone engraving, not a nursery rhyme I had sung, but it didn't matter HE BOUGHT IT! Now all I had to do was tell Charlotte, I mean Ms. Jaio she had a date! Yesss, not an easy feat, but I was already committed. I know, I can hear you in me head that you told me not to resurrect the Irish dating service and what did I do? I did it anyway, BUT I have extenuating circumstances to deal with. I have YET to inform me wife WHO she will be spending Valentine's Day with and I thought a crowd was better than just the two Scottish people who make me life and hers, a living hell at times.
Stay tuned I have Ms. Jaio to convince next.
Gabe
Copyright © 2012 All rights reserved
4 comments:
Um hum someone doesn't learn from past mistakes. Loved the demented reindeer image. :) I can hardly wait for the next installment.
DO I HAVE TO GLUE YOUR LIPS SHUT?LMAO
I think I told you to STAY AWAY FROM MATCHMAKING!
You're gonna send Patrick back to Ireland faster than any crazy woman could!LOL
This sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. I will stay tuned if for no other reason but to laugh at the ill timing of a visit, that if it were my wife, I wouldn't be taking as calmly as your clever, conniving, and suicidal self.
OH YOU DID NOT! didn't you learn from the last time?
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