02 December 2011
476
R. Linda:
So let me begin with a day at the office. Over the weekend, we had a little office reshuffling. Our lot was moved from the middle of the left side of the floor we were on, all the way over to the right side. Seems we had some corporate engineer do a study that would eliminate time-consuming "walking from one department to another." Yes indeed. May I say we will get less exercise with this new setup? Be that as it may, we also had a shuffling of departments i.e. reporters were divided into those who investigate, those who work on local political news, those who work on fashion and recreation, those who work on travel and those who work on local crime, etc. Well now, I have no true objection to a change of scenery, but I do have trouble being in close contact with the local crime reporters. I am part of the local political section, and we have for some years been in close proximity of the fashion and recreation reporters and it's been a good relationship for all I can say. But the crime and mayhem (as we refer to them) have always resided on the other side of the large complex until this week.
Monday, I came in and Gloria Prespetino, a travel editor came over to each of our (political section) desks and pointed to a button that is called Real Time. When you tick this key on your computer a light or signal is activated and everyone is alerted to some event at the same time. Well, seems the event is . . . are you ready for this? The event is Marla Kerkowski farting. Yes, this is an indelicate story but needs be told. It seems Ms.Kerkowksi has been on the crime beat for a long time and like the criminals she interviews her manners are a bit rude. When Ms. K feels the urge she lets it rip. There be no apology forthwith for this behaviour as she considers it an act of nature. Forget lady-like behaviour it does not apply in Ms. Kerkowski's book. Anyway, when this happens the person nearest or who hears it first is to tick the key and the event be put forth in the system and everyone's computer has a light that appears in warning they must cover their noses or exit the area until all is clear. I kid you not. I thought Gloria had quite a sense of humour until later in the day I heard this long drawn-out sound like someone deflating a whoopie cushion, but soon realised, as a terrible smell came wafting by me nose, that it was Ms. Kerkowski passing wind.
Well, me computer and all the computers around me lit up like Christmas trees and people either stuffed tissues over their noses or got up and left. Now I had noticed this behaviour when I first started working here, but I thought it was the travel section . . . travelling. I don't know I really didn't give it much thought. But THIS was the reason, Ms. K's rudeness, not because the lot of them in unison needed to get up and flee the room.
There be no way to stop this I be told. However, I did find the travel section did rate each of these gas passings on a scale from 1 to 10 and so passed the time in covert giggles (those who weathered the stench that is). What makes this so special, is Cruella's office was moved to the right corner. Yes, lovely glassed-in view of the city, big and roomy and well she was thrilled UNTIL Ms. Kerkowski happened in from a story she was working on and well did the sonic boom without a change of her countenance to give herself away. Well, Cruella was out of the loop so to speak, so she had not been clued in on this phenomena. Add to this we have a new guy, a chatty, short, red-bearded 30-something who be full of jokes and be for the most part liked by the rest of the political section in which he works. Well, his name be Matt and Matt has the dubious distinction of having his desk right out front of Cruella's office. So, she not knowing him well, and he being new and a known joker, SHE naturally thought he was japing around.
She called him into her office and basically took his head off for stinking up her office space. He swore he didn't do it, but she would not believe him. Well, all week this has been going on, and the rating system be in full swing. The alerts were near constant on Wednesday when it was learned Ms. Kerkowski had eaten refried beans for lunch. Oh yeah, you can imagine the effect those had on her intestinal tract. And each time poor Matt was called on the rug and berated by Cruella and each time he tried to tell her it wasn't him and who it was, but he couldn't get a word in.
Finally, late Wednesday the beans were really working the gas and Ms. K was pretty much on cue with the passing of it. So much so, that a very frustrated and red-faced Matt had decided he had enough visits to Cruella's office for something he was not guilty of. So knowing the timing of these farts, he knew one was coming so what did he do? He walked into the doorway of Cruella's office, unbuckled his belt and pulled his pants down revealing his backside and then there was the explosion from two desks away and Cruella FINALLY realised it wasn't Matt.
Telling him he could be fired for indecent exposure she ordered him to pull up his pants and sit down. Then she got up with all of thinking she was going to HR and Matt was about to be fired. She came back with Ms. Jaio following holding a pretty good-sized cardboard box. Yup for sure Matt was going to be handed that box to put his things in and his walking papers would follow. But hold on, Ms. Jaio went down the desks and on each one she placed a small spray bottle of air freshener. Yup, we all got one. Matt too! Nothing was said, Matt be still with us, the only things that have changed are that Cruella now has a Real-Time Alert and when Ms. Kerkowski can't hold in her gas and lets it rip the only other sound you hear is the squirting of air freshener, the click, click, click of the pumps. Yup.
There is no HR policy lets one fire someone for farting. It seems the travel editor did give that a try to no avail. So here we are with stinky Ms. Kerkowski and I notice no one says a word to her. But I did notice if you walk by her office when she isn't there, there are all kinds of "gifts" on her desk. There are anti-acid tablets with bows on top, there are air freshener products galore, and there be even a whoopie cushion (deflated of course) tacked to her corkboard. So she must know, she must not care though. Anyway, it be hard on me when on the telephone and this happens because I can't get up and flee. I did try putting a tissue over me lower face but then the person on the other end of me call thought I was trying to change my voice. Oi! I had to hold me breath and nearly turn blue. I waved folders but that didn't work until late yesterday my dear and valued Ms. Jaio came in and gifted me with a small fan. Yes, it's battery powered and you can mount it or hold it and what wonder and nose saver it be!
Gabe
Copyright © 2011 All rights reserved
R. Linda:
So let me begin with a day at the office. Over the weekend, we had a little office reshuffling. Our lot was moved from the middle of the left side of the floor we were on, all the way over to the right side. Seems we had some corporate engineer do a study that would eliminate time-consuming "walking from one department to another." Yes indeed. May I say we will get less exercise with this new setup? Be that as it may, we also had a shuffling of departments i.e. reporters were divided into those who investigate, those who work on local political news, those who work on fashion and recreation, those who work on travel and those who work on local crime, etc. Well now, I have no true objection to a change of scenery, but I do have trouble being in close contact with the local crime reporters. I am part of the local political section, and we have for some years been in close proximity of the fashion and recreation reporters and it's been a good relationship for all I can say. But the crime and mayhem (as we refer to them) have always resided on the other side of the large complex until this week.
Monday, I came in and Gloria Prespetino, a travel editor came over to each of our (political section) desks and pointed to a button that is called Real Time. When you tick this key on your computer a light or signal is activated and everyone is alerted to some event at the same time. Well, seems the event is . . . are you ready for this? The event is Marla Kerkowski farting. Yes, this is an indelicate story but needs be told. It seems Ms.Kerkowksi has been on the crime beat for a long time and like the criminals she interviews her manners are a bit rude. When Ms. K feels the urge she lets it rip. There be no apology forthwith for this behaviour as she considers it an act of nature. Forget lady-like behaviour it does not apply in Ms. Kerkowski's book. Anyway, when this happens the person nearest or who hears it first is to tick the key and the event be put forth in the system and everyone's computer has a light that appears in warning they must cover their noses or exit the area until all is clear. I kid you not. I thought Gloria had quite a sense of humour until later in the day I heard this long drawn-out sound like someone deflating a whoopie cushion, but soon realised, as a terrible smell came wafting by me nose, that it was Ms. Kerkowski passing wind.
Well, me computer and all the computers around me lit up like Christmas trees and people either stuffed tissues over their noses or got up and left. Now I had noticed this behaviour when I first started working here, but I thought it was the travel section . . . travelling. I don't know I really didn't give it much thought. But THIS was the reason, Ms. K's rudeness, not because the lot of them in unison needed to get up and flee the room.
There be no way to stop this I be told. However, I did find the travel section did rate each of these gas passings on a scale from 1 to 10 and so passed the time in covert giggles (those who weathered the stench that is). What makes this so special, is Cruella's office was moved to the right corner. Yes, lovely glassed-in view of the city, big and roomy and well she was thrilled UNTIL Ms. Kerkowski happened in from a story she was working on and well did the sonic boom without a change of her countenance to give herself away. Well, Cruella was out of the loop so to speak, so she had not been clued in on this phenomena. Add to this we have a new guy, a chatty, short, red-bearded 30-something who be full of jokes and be for the most part liked by the rest of the political section in which he works. Well, his name be Matt and Matt has the dubious distinction of having his desk right out front of Cruella's office. So, she not knowing him well, and he being new and a known joker, SHE naturally thought he was japing around.
She called him into her office and basically took his head off for stinking up her office space. He swore he didn't do it, but she would not believe him. Well, all week this has been going on, and the rating system be in full swing. The alerts were near constant on Wednesday when it was learned Ms. Kerkowski had eaten refried beans for lunch. Oh yeah, you can imagine the effect those had on her intestinal tract. And each time poor Matt was called on the rug and berated by Cruella and each time he tried to tell her it wasn't him and who it was, but he couldn't get a word in.
Finally, late Wednesday the beans were really working the gas and Ms. K was pretty much on cue with the passing of it. So much so, that a very frustrated and red-faced Matt had decided he had enough visits to Cruella's office for something he was not guilty of. So knowing the timing of these farts, he knew one was coming so what did he do? He walked into the doorway of Cruella's office, unbuckled his belt and pulled his pants down revealing his backside and then there was the explosion from two desks away and Cruella FINALLY realised it wasn't Matt.
Telling him he could be fired for indecent exposure she ordered him to pull up his pants and sit down. Then she got up with all of thinking she was going to HR and Matt was about to be fired. She came back with Ms. Jaio following holding a pretty good-sized cardboard box. Yup for sure Matt was going to be handed that box to put his things in and his walking papers would follow. But hold on, Ms. Jaio went down the desks and on each one she placed a small spray bottle of air freshener. Yup, we all got one. Matt too! Nothing was said, Matt be still with us, the only things that have changed are that Cruella now has a Real-Time Alert and when Ms. Kerkowski can't hold in her gas and lets it rip the only other sound you hear is the squirting of air freshener, the click, click, click of the pumps. Yup.
There is no HR policy lets one fire someone for farting. It seems the travel editor did give that a try to no avail. So here we are with stinky Ms. Kerkowski and I notice no one says a word to her. But I did notice if you walk by her office when she isn't there, there are all kinds of "gifts" on her desk. There are anti-acid tablets with bows on top, there are air freshener products galore, and there be even a whoopie cushion (deflated of course) tacked to her corkboard. So she must know, she must not care though. Anyway, it be hard on me when on the telephone and this happens because I can't get up and flee. I did try putting a tissue over me lower face but then the person on the other end of me call thought I was trying to change my voice. Oi! I had to hold me breath and nearly turn blue. I waved folders but that didn't work until late yesterday my dear and valued Ms. Jaio came in and gifted me with a small fan. Yes, it's battery powered and you can mount it or hold it and what wonder and nose saver it be!
Gabe
Copyright © 2011 All rights reserved
1 comment:
funni
Post a Comment