20 April 2011
390
R. Linda:
Something be wrong here and I know it is staring me in the face and I just don't see it, blind man that I be. A trip to Denmark, no one else selected but me, and then that strange question about Ophelia. Buggered me all night.
Then when you said, "Sorry, but I was thinking about Hamlet. Didn't Ophelia go crazy, and didn't Hamlet tell her to "get thee to a nunnery?" so, was your boss asking you if you loved a crazy woman, a nun or had a crazy woman you yearned for? I never did understand why people don't come straight out and ask the damn question! Like, ARE YOU MARRIED?"
I lost sleep over THAT. I bloody well did! It got me dreaming about crazy nuns wanting me to marry them and Jesuit priests drowning ME in a river after I did. It was bizarre, it was. Me last dream before I woke up was so lucid I was convinced it happened. Here's me dream just for you since YOU inspired it.
Last night, I tossed and turned. Finally, I mumbled me way into a light doze that took me deeper and I think I stopped mumbling. I found meself dressed in a black velvet vest-like thing that flared at the shoulders with a white puffy shirt underneath that flared at the wrists, a dagger at me waist and these balloon pantaloons edged with gold lame' cutouts. I had tights on, black tights and funny black shoes that curled at the toe! I must have looked like . . . well you can guess what I must have looked like. Me first thought was, who stole my clothes? Then I noticed my surroundings, I was in a grey-stoned castle it looked and it was gloomy in there, very gloomy. At one point I realised I was standing on stone stairs going up and there was this green mossy stuff growing over the top of the wall as I came to a landing. Part of the roof was missing and for an instant, I was pretty pissed off someone had neglected the ramparts of me castle. In a snit, I was standing there delivering this solitary soliloquy and if I may, I did a bang-up job of it I did. Too bad no one heard it.
Realising it was a bit chilly and I didn't have me cape (cape? I be a nutter for sure), I descended the stone stairs to where I was in a hall. There was no furniture in it, but there was a big neon sign that read, WELCOME TO DENMARK! I mumbled something about where in Denmark, and louder said to thin air, "Does anyone want to tell me WHERE in Denmark I am?"
I jumped back as this person in red and green velvet clothing like mine (except the tights had one leg red and one leg green), uncurled himself from a wooden bench I hadn't noticed under the stairwell. I had been thinking the hall was devoid of anything resembling furniture, but no, no there he was. He stretched and I noticed he had blond bobbed hair and was wearing a cap with a long feather in it. He turned around and said, "Yer in Copeyhaagendazs."
"WEASIL!" I shouted very stunned at seeing him. And the tights! Oh begorrah, what a sight THAT was. He looked as stupid as I did, no stupider!
"Yeppers itz me. Sos wotz ta eat in dissy here place anywayz yer lordyshipie?"
I scratched behind my ear in thought and realised there was no answer, I had no clue of anything, especially where I was, how I got there and even more disturbing, how I had come to be dressed like I was.
While I was standing thus, this blond woman with big hair came tripping down the stairs, literally. I caught her before she fell on her face, narrowly missing having me eyes poked out by the tall dunce-like cap she wore with a scarf hanging off the end of it which had twisted around me wrist when I caught her. Her dress was overly long and I naturally assumed she had put on her mother's dress or a woman's who was three sizes too tall for her. I tried to unwind me wrist and self from her as she blinked at me and asked who I was and where did I come from.
Well, I didn't know now did I? I said nothing so disgusted with the question was I. I helped her up and took a good look at her. The hair (there was so much of it), resembled a blond Afro, but as I looked at her, it seemed to have grown more from when she first made her rather bizarre entrance.
"I fell out of the sky," she said looking around and I half believed her. As she turned slowly taking in her surroundings, and almost putting me eye out again, she suddenly jumped like she saw an evil spirit and well she did kind of, as she screamed with earth-shattering shrillness (the mortar in the walls sort of crumbled a wee bit) the one single word, "WEASIL!"
"Yeppers iz me." He said looking bored.
"Are you . . . are you . . . " I stammered thinking I knew who she was though I had never met her face to face, "Are you Dewdrop?"
She smiled a bright cheery smile and I had me answer. One of me following had actually put in an appearance in me dream! This was a first.
"Where am I?" She asked looking hopeful like I had the answer which I didn't. So I shrugged and the smile became a look of concern as she looked around nervously then beseechingly at Weasil.
"We iz in a haunted castle in Denmark and Omelet here," (he gestured half-heartedly in me direction), "iz suppos ta git us outy here."
"Omelet?" I roared, "You dare call me by an egg name?"
I know, I know, I lost it. It could have been worse, he could have said Humpty, I don't know why I would get upset over THAT but I did for the moment. But in me defence, dreams never make much sense when they are happening.
Dewdrop went over to the vacated bench under the stairs and pulled it out into the hall as it protested, its legs making shrill scraping noises (like fingernails on a blackboard) as she dragged it and then she sat down. She started talking to herself and I couldn't quite hear what she was saying.
I was about to ask as I stepped closer to the bench but a tress of hair pushed me away. I was shocked. Did her hair have a mind of its own or what? I didn't have time to consider that, as I looked beyond her and saw a doorway at the same time Weasil saw it too. We both rushed for it and got wedged in it, which isn't the first time this sort of thing has happened. We both could see shelves of Haagen-Dazs ice cream and well, we were hungry, so we vied for which skinny man could squeeze through first and it was . . . wait for it . . . ME! But we couldn't open the freezer doors, it took coinage to open. I stood there drooling at all the flavours and feeling me pockets for change of which I had no pockets to find change in. Weasil moved up and inserted a coin.
"Hey!" I said astonished he had money I didn't seem to. "What are you doing?" I asked like a nitwit.
"Ima gonna shoppy till I droppy," he said sliding back the door when a thought struck me.
"Me shoe!" I said hopping on one foot trying to get it off.
"Yer smarter den ya look O'Sully," he said piling the Cherry Garcia in his arms.
"Thank you, I get that a lot," I answered finding a gold coin in me shoe and stepping up to the freezer. I inserted the coin just as Weasil had his arms loaded with Haagen-Dazs and the unthinkable happened. The door jammed. It wouldn't open and I couldn't retrieve me coinage or get it to go all the way in the slot.
"It's been nice not bein' friends wit ya," Weasil said moving off to the other room.
"Yes, let's not do it again sometime," I said preoccupied, as I kicked the freezer doors trying to dislodge me gold coin. After twenty minutes I knew it was no use. I had looked in me other shoe and nary a coin to be seen. I went back to the hall and there the two only people I kind of knew were chowing down on the last of the Cherry Garcia. I ran up hoping to get a pint but they had eaten twenty-two cartons all on their own. I stood there feeling mighty peckish as the two of them burped and giggled. I was not feeling friendly so I stalked off but not too far when I heard the coin in the slot hit the bottom and the freezer door open. I turned quickly and went running in and there was this very tiny woman with hardly any red hair on her head standing on a rather tall footstool reaching for the last Haagen-Dazs carton of Vanilla Fudge.
"Oh my God, they don't make that anymore," I said moving to reach for it meself, but she was quick, she had swiped it first and held it tightly to her, bending over double as I struggled to get it away from her.
"That was me last gold coin," I complained wrestling with her until she tossed me backwards on me arse.
She slowly turned around and said, "A poor man's tale is rarely heardth."
I was stunned, it was me muse dressed like a pint-sized version of a NUN! She took the earplugs of her Ipod out and grinned dementedly down at me clutching the vanilla fudge tightly.
"You don't understand how hungry I be," I said to her pointing at the Haagen-Dazs. "THAT was me one and only gold coin!"
"Better to go to bed supperless than to riseth in debth." She sneered stepping off the footstool and going out to the other room.
"HOBBIT!" I yelled after her in anger, but she didn't care and why would she? She had the fudgey ice cream and I didn't.
As soon as I joined the others I had to pause because when I looked in Dewdrop's direction I noticed (if it were possible) her hair had bushed out even further and Weasil was sitting all the way on the other side of the room because of all that hair. Dewdrop looked at me brightly as if I had some information to impart but I didn't. As soon as me Muse saw her and the hair, she said in a gipsy accent, "You are too happy, I think you joined a cult?" That remark made Dew's face fall and Weasil snicker.
"You know Sister Muse, I spend most of me born days writing stories for YOUR amusement and YOU pay me back by refusing to share the last carton of Haagen-Dazs Vanilla Fudge on this earth or wherever this place be."
"Denmarkie," Weasil interjected since I seemed to have forgotten that.
"It's either feast or famine with you. It's no vanilla fudge or it is truckloads of homemade fudge. I be a yo-yo dieter thanks to you!" I sulked. "I could get to dislike you intensely if you keep this behaviour up." I crossed me arms over me chest and pouted like a child.
She sighed as she polished off the ice cream and said, "The three strongest forces of nature are fire, water and fudge, I mean hatred." And she laughed as she finished me off with, "Hope is the cure for all misery and," she held the empty carton upside down, "yours just ran out." She laughed at me. She didn't care, she was full of a rare flavour of ice cream, I had none, that was that in her mind.
"Oh ha ha." I retorted. But this conversation came to an abrupt halt by the look on Dewdrop's face. She stood up in fright and went to step back when she slipped over her hair and fell backwards over the bench to the other side. Weasil looked down at her but made no move to help her, all he said was, "Hum." I stood there looking at Dew's feet sticking up in the air and wondered if she had hit her head, or had her hair cushioned her fall. There was no movement until I noticed Weasil squinting his eyes as he seemed to be focused on me. Sister Muse dropped the empty carton as her mouth opened in shock and she too, looked at me. I was like WHAT? Then I saw it before I heard it, a shadow drifting over the room, not that it wasn't shady to begin with. I crouched me head down into me shoulders as I turned slowly around in fear of what had come into the room.
Standing her full 6 feet 7 inches was Cruella. She was dressed in a nun's habit and stalked into the room. "Which one of YOU has eaten the Vanilla Fudge Haagen-Dazs?"
Sister Muse kicked the empty carton so it rested at me feet. I looked at her in horror she'd sell me off when I wasn't the one who ate the damn rare ice cream.
"THAT," Sister Cruella said looking directly at me, "WAS the LAST carton of Vanilla Fudge Haagen-Dazs in the world!"
Oh my, was I in trouble for something I didn't do or what? I gave Sister Muse a dirty look and she just stood there looking innocent and I don't know how she did that, her face was all covered in incriminating vanilla fudge. I tried, but I could not achieve an innocent look to save me sorry life and I wasn't wearing the evidence on me face, YET I appeared the guilty one!
Sister Muse whispered to me and I turned in her direction, "There is hope from the sea but none from the graveyard," she tossed her head in the direction of the window where I was amazed to see a ship and the ocean. I looked at her in wonder. Did she have a magic wand that these things magically appeared? Doorways, windows, ships, rare ice cream? But before I could whisper back the voice behind me said, "Contentment is greater than a kingdom and since I am not content I need something else to satisfy my whims."
I turned back to look at her in confusion, so far nothing anyone said sounded like a normal conversation, it sounded like platitudes or more familiarly like Irish sayings. Yes, that was what they were! They had all got Irish on me and I being the one true Irish person in the room couldn't think of a comeback. Oi!
"So here's the plan Mr. Eater of the last Vanilla Fudge Haagen-Dazs in this world," Cruella said directly to me, "YOU will become Mr. Vanilla Fudge AKA Mr. De Ville for a day."
"A day?" I asked not sure I heard right, only a day? Well, how grand was that?
"A day because it might not work out," she shrugged.
"Hey waitie a minute," Weasil piped up, "can anyone vie fer da handie a da fair and very tall maiden?"
Cruella looked him over.
"And who might YOU be little man?"
"Little man? Who ya referrin' ta as 'little man?' Cause it surely ain't me cuz when I standie up, I be taller n' you!"
I sighed, this was getting stupid. I needed to wake up. I looked over at Dew, feet still straight up in the air, no movement, Sister Muse covertly taking baby steps further and further towards the freezer room where once there I knew she'd make a run for it and leave in the ship without me. Probably had piles of Haagen-Dazs on board too. I lost most of the conversation as me brain tried to think of a way to do the same thing and babystep me way out of the room, but it was pulled back by suddenly realising Weasil had freed himself from the entanglement of Dewdrop's ever-expanding hairdo, and pulled himself up to his full height and was standing next to me, making it impossible for me to leave the building.
"A widow an her moola are soon courted and counted," he said to Sister Cruella.
"A young man is bothered until he's married after that he's bothered all the time!" She retorted and that was funny to me and I tried to not laugh.
"Sweetie iz da voice of a woman of a man who haz lotz a Haagen-Dazs," he said with a sneer.
"Empty and cold is a house without a woman in it!" She sneered back.
"Marriage changes a man and makies da woman who changied him complain bout em' not being the same man she married." He thundered.
"A silent mouth is the sweetest sound." She threw at him.
Finally, I could take it no more so I shouted at them both, "Health to the man," and I saw she was fingering her dagger and was looking at me, so I finished with, "But may the woman live forever!" Oh yeah, I knew what side of the bread me life was buttered on. She smiled dementedly at me, so I sealed it with this old Irish adage, "If he loves you in a nun's habit your love will last." Ok, I made that up. Then as I stepped away she thought about that and I gave Weasil a parting shot of "If a man is in love he is no judge of beauty but when love and the Haagen-Dazs supply runs out, he'll tell a woman about her warts and all and hopefully live to tell about it." I looked into his eyes, he caught me meaning then and with an agility only Weasil can exhibit, he rushed forward and pushed Sister Cruella backwards as I ran towards Dewdrop and picked her up by her wrists and dragged her into the freezer room all the time looking for the door out, it was gone! Oh that muse she must have taken it with her I surmised as I dragged Dew from one side of the room to the other looking for a way out. Weasil was right behind me and he picked Dewdrop up by the ankles and we ran with her out a door that suddenly appeared (or that we hadn't seen before) and down a rocky and slippery slope, all the while Dewdrop was yelling, "Ouch!" as we couldn't help but hit her against rocks, step on her ever-growing mop of hair and over outcroppings that were in our way in our haste to leave the castle and outrun Cruella, who with long-legged stride was closing in waving her dagger at us, as we struggled with stepping on hair and lose gravel.
We got to the shore and there was no ship! I was asking Weasil, "Where's the ship gone?" He didn't know and Dewdrop had passed out hitting her head hard on a rock, as we looked at the sight of a vicious-looking tall nun in a black habit bounding over the rocky slope with a drawn dagger. Oh, what to do? As we stood there like two whining girls, Dew started to revive and it was obvious she didn't know where she was as she blinked looking around.
"We needies ta hide like nowzie," Weasil said pulling me behind Dewdrop. Suddenly we were in this vast shade and, as I looked, I realised we were hiding behind Dew's massive hairdo. Yes, her hair had expanded to gigantic proportions and we couldn't see through the mass of golden frizz and just as wonderfully, we couldn't be seen through it from the other side. It was all up to Dew to save the day or . . . not.
"Well, well, well. What have we here?" A familiar voice said to Dew who was sitting on the shore looking up at the strange tall woman dressed like a nun brandishing a dagger. "Well, if it isn't little Miss Dewdropper, stealer of clothing that is too big for her and looks ridiculous wearing it."
"You mock me?" Said Dew sizing this overly tall skinny woman up, smoothing out the creases in her overly long dress. A strange conversation ensued between the two women and I was fascinated trying to reckon what it all meant because it made no sense to me when suddenly me thought processes were replaced with intense pain in me ribs as Weasil's skinny elbow battered me to look where he was pointing. There, out in the rough waves was THE ship. And I could see from where I stood, a very short person in the crow's nest with a telescope pointed in our direction. Weasil waved and the ship started a slow move landwards, the wind blowing her sails none too quickly, or at least quick enough to suit either one of us.
"Geez the woman," I muttered. "She's munching on fudge. I can see a huge container from here." I quickly shut up when I heard Cruella ask Dew, "Who are you talking to?"
"No one. Maybe your sixth sense is picking up voices from the other side." She smiled sweetly.
Other side? By the saints, she was going to give us away, and Weasil knew this and pulled her hair.
"Ouch!" She said grabbing her head and Cruella was thinking all that hair was weighing Dew's brain down to where she could hardly hold her head up and that had to hurt. It gave Cruella a secret satisfaction to think that.
Lucky for us, the seawater made Dew's hair grow to gimongous proportions and it hid the approach of the ship, except I could smell the fudge which I was hoping wouldn't give us away. Oh, that Muse! She munched as she sailed and Weasil stood there licking his lips thinking of a fudge orgy. Me, I was hoping Cruella didn't find us out over the smell of fudge because that wouldn't sit well with me. As Dew's hair swelled with the surf hitting its ever-expanding width, Weasil and I inched towards the rowboat that was on its laborious way in our direction. It would have come faster except that me muse had loaded it with fudge and jugs of water and she was munching and chugging in between a row here and a row there. We stood there for what seemed a horse's age until she finally touched the sand. Meanwhile, Dew sounded like she was getting angrier. Not at us, she had no clue we were even there, but at Cruella.
"Shouldie we take her arse wit us, or wot?" Weasil asked as we piled into the fudge-laden rowboat.
"Well, here's an idea," me muse said through chocolate fudge-covered lips, "both of you bean brains grab a tress of Dew's hair and we'll row back to the ship, this way Cruella won't see us or the ship because by the time that head of hair hits the water, it will grow really big and escape will be . . . a piece of fudge!"
Eagerly we both grabbed a lock of hair and as me muse rowed steadily out to sea, Dew started to float out into the water and sure enough her hair got bigger and soon the whole skyline was obscured by it. She continued to talk back to Cruella who stood on the shore, her expression was the full brow (you remember that) and she was sort of fascinated at watching Dew become very small like Alice and her hair become very large also like Alice. She stood there watching Dew's hair grow and the dunce-like hat slowly disappeared in the growing hair. Meanwhile, we had reached the ship and got ourselves in, but hauling Dewdrop in was a chore because her hair was so massive and heavy from absorbing so much seawater. We had to tie her to the ship by her hair and sail off that way until Weasil got the brilliant idea she needed a haircut. "Datty way we can move dissy here ship faster an git da hell outta Denmarkie."
We sailed into the sunset which only we could see from the other side of Dew's massive crown of yellow hair. We got out some pinking shears and started chopping away. I woke up with me hands making the motion of using scissors. I had such a feeling that it really happened, that it took me three cups of coffee to finally realise it was only a dream!
Is it any wonder I be near certifiable? You made me question yesterday Cruella and Denmark, which led me to a dream, an awful dream. And now, I wonder what that was all about really. And why was Dew wearing one of Cruella's dresses? I sort of knew the answer in me dream, but can't remember now. And why did Cruella let Dewdrop float out to sea, did she think there was a DRAGON out there? And why was Weasil in me dream? I haven't thought of Weasil much, well I try not to. Your being in me dream made perfect sense since you planted the dream seed somehow. Hum, I have to stop the psychoanalysing of meself because it be driving me crazy and that isn't a very long drive.
Gabe
Copyright © 2011 All rights reserved
"You know Sister Muse, I spend most of me born days writing stories for YOUR amusement and YOU pay me back by refusing to share the last carton of Haagen-Dazs Vanilla Fudge on this earth or wherever this place be."
"Denmarkie," Weasil interjected since I seemed to have forgotten that.
"It's either feast or famine with you. It's no vanilla fudge or it is truckloads of homemade fudge. I be a yo-yo dieter thanks to you!" I sulked. "I could get to dislike you intensely if you keep this behaviour up." I crossed me arms over me chest and pouted like a child.
She sighed as she polished off the ice cream and said, "The three strongest forces of nature are fire, water and fudge, I mean hatred." And she laughed as she finished me off with, "Hope is the cure for all misery and," she held the empty carton upside down, "yours just ran out." She laughed at me. She didn't care, she was full of a rare flavour of ice cream, I had none, that was that in her mind.
"Oh ha ha." I retorted. But this conversation came to an abrupt halt by the look on Dewdrop's face. She stood up in fright and went to step back when she slipped over her hair and fell backwards over the bench to the other side. Weasil looked down at her but made no move to help her, all he said was, "Hum." I stood there looking at Dew's feet sticking up in the air and wondered if she had hit her head, or had her hair cushioned her fall. There was no movement until I noticed Weasil squinting his eyes as he seemed to be focused on me. Sister Muse dropped the empty carton as her mouth opened in shock and she too, looked at me. I was like WHAT? Then I saw it before I heard it, a shadow drifting over the room, not that it wasn't shady to begin with. I crouched me head down into me shoulders as I turned slowly around in fear of what had come into the room.
Standing her full 6 feet 7 inches was Cruella. She was dressed in a nun's habit and stalked into the room. "Which one of YOU has eaten the Vanilla Fudge Haagen-Dazs?"
Sister Muse kicked the empty carton so it rested at me feet. I looked at her in horror she'd sell me off when I wasn't the one who ate the damn rare ice cream.
"THAT," Sister Cruella said looking directly at me, "WAS the LAST carton of Vanilla Fudge Haagen-Dazs in the world!"
Oh my, was I in trouble for something I didn't do or what? I gave Sister Muse a dirty look and she just stood there looking innocent and I don't know how she did that, her face was all covered in incriminating vanilla fudge. I tried, but I could not achieve an innocent look to save me sorry life and I wasn't wearing the evidence on me face, YET I appeared the guilty one!
Sister Muse whispered to me and I turned in her direction, "There is hope from the sea but none from the graveyard," she tossed her head in the direction of the window where I was amazed to see a ship and the ocean. I looked at her in wonder. Did she have a magic wand that these things magically appeared? Doorways, windows, ships, rare ice cream? But before I could whisper back the voice behind me said, "Contentment is greater than a kingdom and since I am not content I need something else to satisfy my whims."
I turned back to look at her in confusion, so far nothing anyone said sounded like a normal conversation, it sounded like platitudes or more familiarly like Irish sayings. Yes, that was what they were! They had all got Irish on me and I being the one true Irish person in the room couldn't think of a comeback. Oi!
"So here's the plan Mr. Eater of the last Vanilla Fudge Haagen-Dazs in this world," Cruella said directly to me, "YOU will become Mr. Vanilla Fudge AKA Mr. De Ville for a day."
"A day?" I asked not sure I heard right, only a day? Well, how grand was that?
"A day because it might not work out," she shrugged.
"Hey waitie a minute," Weasil piped up, "can anyone vie fer da handie a da fair and very tall maiden?"
Cruella looked him over.
"And who might YOU be little man?"
"Little man? Who ya referrin' ta as 'little man?' Cause it surely ain't me cuz when I standie up, I be taller n' you!"
I sighed, this was getting stupid. I needed to wake up. I looked over at Dew, feet still straight up in the air, no movement, Sister Muse covertly taking baby steps further and further towards the freezer room where once there I knew she'd make a run for it and leave in the ship without me. Probably had piles of Haagen-Dazs on board too. I lost most of the conversation as me brain tried to think of a way to do the same thing and babystep me way out of the room, but it was pulled back by suddenly realising Weasil had freed himself from the entanglement of Dewdrop's ever-expanding hairdo, and pulled himself up to his full height and was standing next to me, making it impossible for me to leave the building.
"A widow an her moola are soon courted and counted," he said to Sister Cruella.
"A young man is bothered until he's married after that he's bothered all the time!" She retorted and that was funny to me and I tried to not laugh.
"Sweetie iz da voice of a woman of a man who haz lotz a Haagen-Dazs," he said with a sneer.
"Empty and cold is a house without a woman in it!" She sneered back.
"Marriage changes a man and makies da woman who changied him complain bout em' not being the same man she married." He thundered.
"A silent mouth is the sweetest sound." She threw at him.
Finally, I could take it no more so I shouted at them both, "Health to the man," and I saw she was fingering her dagger and was looking at me, so I finished with, "But may the woman live forever!" Oh yeah, I knew what side of the bread me life was buttered on. She smiled dementedly at me, so I sealed it with this old Irish adage, "If he loves you in a nun's habit your love will last." Ok, I made that up. Then as I stepped away she thought about that and I gave Weasil a parting shot of "If a man is in love he is no judge of beauty but when love and the Haagen-Dazs supply runs out, he'll tell a woman about her warts and all and hopefully live to tell about it." I looked into his eyes, he caught me meaning then and with an agility only Weasil can exhibit, he rushed forward and pushed Sister Cruella backwards as I ran towards Dewdrop and picked her up by her wrists and dragged her into the freezer room all the time looking for the door out, it was gone! Oh that muse she must have taken it with her I surmised as I dragged Dew from one side of the room to the other looking for a way out. Weasil was right behind me and he picked Dewdrop up by the ankles and we ran with her out a door that suddenly appeared (or that we hadn't seen before) and down a rocky and slippery slope, all the while Dewdrop was yelling, "Ouch!" as we couldn't help but hit her against rocks, step on her ever-growing mop of hair and over outcroppings that were in our way in our haste to leave the castle and outrun Cruella, who with long-legged stride was closing in waving her dagger at us, as we struggled with stepping on hair and lose gravel.
We got to the shore and there was no ship! I was asking Weasil, "Where's the ship gone?" He didn't know and Dewdrop had passed out hitting her head hard on a rock, as we looked at the sight of a vicious-looking tall nun in a black habit bounding over the rocky slope with a drawn dagger. Oh, what to do? As we stood there like two whining girls, Dew started to revive and it was obvious she didn't know where she was as she blinked looking around.
"We needies ta hide like nowzie," Weasil said pulling me behind Dewdrop. Suddenly we were in this vast shade and, as I looked, I realised we were hiding behind Dew's massive hairdo. Yes, her hair had expanded to gigantic proportions and we couldn't see through the mass of golden frizz and just as wonderfully, we couldn't be seen through it from the other side. It was all up to Dew to save the day or . . . not.
"Well, well, well. What have we here?" A familiar voice said to Dew who was sitting on the shore looking up at the strange tall woman dressed like a nun brandishing a dagger. "Well, if it isn't little Miss Dewdropper, stealer of clothing that is too big for her and looks ridiculous wearing it."
"You mock me?" Said Dew sizing this overly tall skinny woman up, smoothing out the creases in her overly long dress. A strange conversation ensued between the two women and I was fascinated trying to reckon what it all meant because it made no sense to me when suddenly me thought processes were replaced with intense pain in me ribs as Weasil's skinny elbow battered me to look where he was pointing. There, out in the rough waves was THE ship. And I could see from where I stood, a very short person in the crow's nest with a telescope pointed in our direction. Weasil waved and the ship started a slow move landwards, the wind blowing her sails none too quickly, or at least quick enough to suit either one of us.
"Geez the woman," I muttered. "She's munching on fudge. I can see a huge container from here." I quickly shut up when I heard Cruella ask Dew, "Who are you talking to?"
"No one. Maybe your sixth sense is picking up voices from the other side." She smiled sweetly.
Other side? By the saints, she was going to give us away, and Weasil knew this and pulled her hair.
"Ouch!" She said grabbing her head and Cruella was thinking all that hair was weighing Dew's brain down to where she could hardly hold her head up and that had to hurt. It gave Cruella a secret satisfaction to think that.
Lucky for us, the seawater made Dew's hair grow to gimongous proportions and it hid the approach of the ship, except I could smell the fudge which I was hoping wouldn't give us away. Oh, that Muse! She munched as she sailed and Weasil stood there licking his lips thinking of a fudge orgy. Me, I was hoping Cruella didn't find us out over the smell of fudge because that wouldn't sit well with me. As Dew's hair swelled with the surf hitting its ever-expanding width, Weasil and I inched towards the rowboat that was on its laborious way in our direction. It would have come faster except that me muse had loaded it with fudge and jugs of water and she was munching and chugging in between a row here and a row there. We stood there for what seemed a horse's age until she finally touched the sand. Meanwhile, Dew sounded like she was getting angrier. Not at us, she had no clue we were even there, but at Cruella.
"Shouldie we take her arse wit us, or wot?" Weasil asked as we piled into the fudge-laden rowboat.
"Well, here's an idea," me muse said through chocolate fudge-covered lips, "both of you bean brains grab a tress of Dew's hair and we'll row back to the ship, this way Cruella won't see us or the ship because by the time that head of hair hits the water, it will grow really big and escape will be . . . a piece of fudge!"
Eagerly we both grabbed a lock of hair and as me muse rowed steadily out to sea, Dew started to float out into the water and sure enough her hair got bigger and soon the whole skyline was obscured by it. She continued to talk back to Cruella who stood on the shore, her expression was the full brow (you remember that) and she was sort of fascinated at watching Dew become very small like Alice and her hair become very large also like Alice. She stood there watching Dew's hair grow and the dunce-like hat slowly disappeared in the growing hair. Meanwhile, we had reached the ship and got ourselves in, but hauling Dewdrop in was a chore because her hair was so massive and heavy from absorbing so much seawater. We had to tie her to the ship by her hair and sail off that way until Weasil got the brilliant idea she needed a haircut. "Datty way we can move dissy here ship faster an git da hell outta Denmarkie."
We sailed into the sunset which only we could see from the other side of Dew's massive crown of yellow hair. We got out some pinking shears and started chopping away. I woke up with me hands making the motion of using scissors. I had such a feeling that it really happened, that it took me three cups of coffee to finally realise it was only a dream!
Is it any wonder I be near certifiable? You made me question yesterday Cruella and Denmark, which led me to a dream, an awful dream. And now, I wonder what that was all about really. And why was Dew wearing one of Cruella's dresses? I sort of knew the answer in me dream, but can't remember now. And why did Cruella let Dewdrop float out to sea, did she think there was a DRAGON out there? And why was Weasil in me dream? I haven't thought of Weasil much, well I try not to. Your being in me dream made perfect sense since you planted the dream seed somehow. Hum, I have to stop the psychoanalysing of meself because it be driving me crazy and that isn't a very long drive.
Gabe
Copyright © 2011 All rights reserved
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| Photo by Weasil . . . yup it is |
7 comments:
ROFLMAO!!!!!!
You are totally demented, but funny. By the way, you still look 30 and I remember that picture from your 30th birthday. The 30th birthday you celebrated the first time. LOL. As for Weas can he grow hair on his face yet?
I think Dew has enough hair to go around for everyone!
whoz da handsome guy wit da blondie hair hehee
Someone's full of the craic. You both look exceptional in tights and Mr. O'Sullivan, I for one say BRAVO to your muse, for inspiring such excellent stories.
I see someone got credit for their photo magic?
Yes, they did. They got a bit tiffed when they saw the photo credit for the Denmark pic.
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