The Art Show

5 June 2010

295

R. Linda:

Tonya's artsy group was holding a two day art festival, with displays of different art media's. They had got food vendors, different local bands playing on the green all day, face painting for the kiddies and all the stores around the green were open for business. 

So bright and early Saturday morning she's off to help set up. Yup that left me with the Dragon-in-law. You know how I be in the morning, blurry eyed and not of this world until at least two cups of coffee. For me to trip the light fantastic at 7 a.m. and sit cheerfully at me table waiting for me breakfast would be someone else's dream. Either the Dragon forgot this, or she was being a happy dragon on purpose just to annoy me, because she knows I cannot abide happy, cheery people first thing in the a.m. 

She chattered on about this, about that, and asked me a host of questions that got her grunts for answers, as I held me head in me hands about to cry from the absurdity of it. Somehow I was released from the breakfast table and was able to shave, shower and get dressed without so much as a peep from her. She was busy gussying herself up. The perfume that wafted through me abode was enough to stop me in mid stride. Even the wee ones were sniffing the air and O'Hare of course, never one to take things in silence shouted out, "Da what's that terrible smell?"

Yup.

I gathered everyone up and we went out to pile in the Saturn, the perfume about fumigating us something dreadful, the young Airport coughing exaggeratedly as he's seen done in cartoons. Dragon -- oblivious, turns to me and says I should do something about O'Hare's awful cold. Yup.

I get to the green and right away as I be looking for a parking slot, Dragon grabs the steering column and I find meself almost hitting a motor parked on me side. Her excuse was I was driving on by a perfectly good handicap spot. Oi the woman! She puts the placard on me rear view and we pile out to find Tonya. I spied her instantly in the centre of the action and so off we go until we get to the cotton candy stand and O'Hare decides to have a hissy because he wants cotton candy right now. Of course, we had just eaten breakfast and I didn't think it was a good idea and as I said this to him, there is Dragon handing over the money with a cone of the stuff in her other hand. She hands it to him, and I knew she heard me reasoning, but overrode me. Because there was a crowd I said nothing but continued on toward Tonya who didn't seem to notice the eldest, who tends to an unbelievable amount of energy when sugared up, in the process of fueling sugar for the morning. 

I gave her a kiss and went to say a few words when the Dragon butts right in between us and starts yakking it up. Somehow, Tonya gets her mother pointed towards the air conditioned town hall to go look at the paintings that are being displayed inside. Dragon fancies herself an expert on paintings so with O'Hare in hand with cotton candy off she went, much to me relief. I reckoned let her put up with his sugar high in a confined space. Tonya took us out of the traffic to the side of the green when this guy in a truck stops short and is waving at her. 

"Oh my God, Johnny Wheeler is that you?" Tonya shouts and waves.

The guy pulls into a space he shouldn't and jumps out and comes over and picks Tonya up and gives her one of those hugs where he lifts her into the air and moves in a circle, her laughing. I was like what the hell is this? He puts her down and seems he's someone she worked with in Boston before we married and he is living up here now, and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. As I am standing there holding baby, another truck pulls up to the same stop and he looks over and spies Johnny W. and yells out at him, "I'm gonna kill you!" And with that he too parks his truck in the no parking zone and comes flying out towards us.

Tonya asked who that was and Johnny grinningly informed her that it was Cal Thiebeau and Cal swears Johnny had an affair with his wife. Oh this was going to be good. I stepped back from Johnny pulling Tonya with me as Cal approached and right there in the middle of at least a hundred and fifty people, Cal starts cussing and yelling and I be covering baby's ears as Tonya decides to call a friend to find out if they are coming to the show! It was bizarre. After two minutes of yelling the two men notice Tonya on the phone and have decided she has called 911. Oi! So shouting at her, not very nice things, the two go to their respective trucks and get out of town. I tell ya sometimes Smalltown, U.S.A. can be just too stupid for words.

With Tonya still on the phone I went over to look at a bloke's photographs on display. They were all nautical and I noticed the picture of a ships wheel said HMS Bounty. I remembered the tall ships had been in Portsmouth Harbour and asked him if he had gone down and got his shots there. Well yes he had. I said nice one of the ship's wheel. And he said yes, that the Bounty, the famous ship of Captain Bligh's. I turned to him and said, yeah the movie ship Bounty that Mel Gibson was filmed on. No, it's the Bounty says he. I said, yeah the one made for the movie, the real one was sunk off Pitcairn Island by Mister Christian and the mutineers. He just looked at me like I was wrong. Not wanting a debate going into an argument I left him to sell his picture as the real thing. Sigh.

Tonya was still busy so I decided go find Dragon so we could get the face painting in for O'Hare as promised and then leave the insanity. Before I took off, the Bounty photographer tells me there is a tornado watch for the entire state of New Hampshire. I look around, the clouds were not storm clouds, the sun was out and it was hotter than Hades, but I be talking to the same man who thought the Bounty in Portsmouth was the original. I shrugged and left for the town hall, besides New Hampshire is not a tornado state.

I found Dragon right off. O'Hare was bothering a jewelry vendor while Dragon was laying into someone. Seems the last time Dragon was up, she and Tonya had stopped at a frame shop to pick up a purchase when one of the women who was a local artist came up and told Tonya her mother looked like Aretha Franklin. Well, Tonya told her mother this after they were long gone from the shop, but the Dragon hadn't forgotten the left handed compliment. And who did she run into? Yup, the very same woman and lucky me walked into her informing the woman she was highly insulted to be compared in looks to Aretha. And here I be thinking poor Aretha, she's the one should be insulted.

"Oh but now that I see you up close you don't look like her mother." The poor woman stammered. Me eyes got big because I knew that was not the right thing to say to a Dragon out for blood.

"YOU better stop while you're ahead. You are digging yourself into a bigger hole." Dragon said.

"You could be her sister, is what I meant." 

OH MY GOD.

"Her sister? The woman's older than I am!"

"But she has lots of money, that's nice to be compared to." Says the small artist.

"YOU have no idea what I have." Said Dragon turning her back. 

The woman got the cut and ran off much like a mouse. Bested by the Dragon I thought, tsk, tsk, women!

Meanwhile the artist who's work Dragon had been critiquing was standing as far against the back wall as possible with all this going on. I was looking at the woman's paintings like I didn't know either of the combatants, and the artist's husband had been sitting the entire time highly amused at the exchange. I smiled at him in like mind and he grinned back and shook his head. Meanwhile, the artist of the paintings I was looking at, decided it was safe to venture forward and in her nervousness asked me to go vote for her painting (one she pointed to) as she was eligible for best in show. Probably she said this to get us out of her booth after the altercation with the other artist. This I did, not knowing any better while Dragon continued to browse the other stalls where she once again came upon the poor woman who had run off from her. All I had to hear was, "Yes, here I am again, that awful woman who doesn't like being told she looks like Aretha Franklin's mother!" While more was going down I filled out the slip thinking, maybe I shouldn't be voting, I wasn't a member but the artist told me I could and well, I was so unnerved from the Dragon, why not?

"I really should learn how to make friends better," the mousey artist said to the women at the voting table.

"You think?" Said Dragon. "Let me give you a start, DO NOT tell someone they look like someone else. If I get up here again, I'll buy you the book "How to Win Friends and Influence People."

Oi!

All the way home I had to listen to Dragon huffing on about not looking like Aretha Franklin, or her mother. And to be honest, I couldn't really see the resemblance. I wanted to say, Dragon you look nothing like Ms. Franklin or her mother, or her sister if she has one. You look more like the dragon Harry Potter had to fight off, the Hungarian Horntail I believe it was. But I didn't say that.

The next day, today Sunday, Tonya had to go back to the art festival leaving me once again with the Dragon. I had just gotten up, had poured me a cup of coffee and half noticed Dragon at the stove talking on her mobile phone. What got me attention was that I could hear Tonya's voice shouting and so instead of shuffling into the living room to wake up I sat at the kitchen table, waiting for Dragon to tell me what the problem with Tonya was. 

Well, seems Tonya was going through the votes for the best in show and recognised me handwriting. What was I doing voting for that artist and not her dear friend, Leigh? With relish the Dragon told me all that me upset wife was crying over that, so the only thing to do was to get dressed and get back over there and vote for Leigh. Oi! So with no breakfast, hardly a sip of coffee in me, I got us all packed up and back to the green. Where I went to vote for Leigh's picture and then was told by Tonya I was voting for the wrong one, oi, oi, oi! So I crossed it out and rewrote the one I was told and that was that. I did me good deed, but not before hearing about what I did the day before. Sigh.

I looked up and the sky was very dark. The photographer of the famous Bounty says to me, "Tornado watch until 8 p.m. This time it looks more real. It's very calm out there." 

Yes, yes it was. The tornado was coming right for me with me wife trailing behind holding the baby and O'Hare with another big cone of cotton candy. I can't tell you if the storm was brewing inside me at the sight of the big cone of spun sugar, or if the Dragon was ready to ride me on me mistake of voting for a competitor instead of a family friend. I decided to get us out of there because coming towards us, completely unaware of the Dragon lurking on the sidewalk was the mousey artist of Aretha fame. I thought it best to say our quick goodbyes and get the hell out of Dodge before there was a showdown like the one at the OK Corral. 

So now I be home, the tornado watch is on for real, the sky is dark, Tonya has until 3 to get the show closed down, see to clean up and then get home sometime around 4:30. I be hoping the watch is like yesterday, nothing. As for the Dragon, I feigned headache and went off to me room to escape. Baby is napping, but O'Hare is running wild downstairs. I can hear him from here shouting and whooping it up from all that sugar energy. Occasionally, I can hear the Dragon yelling above his shouts, "O'Hare you settle down now!" Uh huh, good luck with that Dragon lady. :-))))

Gabe

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