Trip to Kittery, Maine

4 June 2010

294

SPOILER ALERT: IF YOU HAVEN'T READ (BUT INTEND TO) OR HAVE YET TO FINISH READING, JK ROWLING'S THE DEATHLY HALLOWS, DO NOT READ THIS UNLESS YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO CERTAIN CHARACTERS AT THE END.

R. Linda:

Oh where to start? Okay let's start with me arrival home to a surprise appearance by the Dragon-in-law. Yeah up from New Jersey, just happened to be in the neighbourhood in New Hampshire and well, there she was. Next let's jump from my surprise to this morning. I got up completely forgetting the Dragon was residing in me abode, and as I am usually in a daze when I first get up, I had wandered into the kitchen in me PJs, poured me a cup of java, and shuffled into the living room. I sat down to sip it and wake up in degrees as is me usual habit. 

As I came to life I started to become aware of a sound. It sounded like the doorbell was on the blink. A kind of buzzing sound like a nest of bees but more of a mechanical sound. The wife came in a few seconds later in the same condition as meself, and sat at the other end of the couch sipping her coffee. I looked at her and it was obvious she wasn't of this world, but I took a chance and asked her if she could hear that strange buzzing.

She stopped in mid-sip and listened. Then she waved her hand at me and said, "Oh that's mother. She snores."

I was instantly awake at that statement remembering that the Dragon was in me house after all. It was just such a shock so early in the morning without having consumed one full cup of coffee, make that two.

"Go wake her will you Gabe? Just tell her we leave in 30 minutes so . . . " And up got Tonya to make breakfast. 

I sat there in another shock thinking I was about to have cardiac arrest. The shock of the night before had not worn off and now the buzzing and I was the one designated to go wake up a sleeping Dragon-in-law. Oi! I threw back my head and took the rest of me coffee as if it were a shot of whiskey and burnt me mouth for me trouble, not to mention me throat and probably me insides. I slammed up the stairs hoping me coming would awaken her, but no the buzzing continued. I knocked softly on the door and nothing. I gently opened it hoping she did not sleep au naturale, because I'd be blinded for life if that was the case. I peeked in and there she was mouth open, arms flung to the sides and best of all, there was the cat at her head, cat butt in her face and no better picture of a dragon at rest was there. I wish I had a camera because her nose up the cat's butt was just too funny.

I cleared me throat and nothing, but the cat stretched. So gathering me courage I said loudly, "MOM, TONYA SAYS TO GET UP WE LEAVE IN 30."

This roused her it did, she flayed around and scared the cat off the bed, and the sounds coming from her were like, "UHHHH HUH WHAT UHHH . . . " The sounds a partly deaf old man would make when surprised is the best I can describe. I closed the door chuckling softly to meself at the spectacle and went and got dressed.

Let's skip to the joyride to Kittery Maine. I'll spare you the insanity that was breakfast. The night before, the Dragon had talked Tonya into going to the outlets in Kittery. Seems she's heard great things about them and was all about a shopping trip. You know early Fathers Day presents and such -- that was the excuse anyway. Now the bad part of this, was that I just happened to be taking Friday off because I had too many personal days left that I hadn't taken, and me boss was after me butt to take a few. So, I had decided to take today off because it is National Donut day. I had planned to drive to as many Dunkin Donuts and Krispy Kreme places as I could find for free doughnuts. I know you think I've lost me mind, but truly I am a doughnut affectionato as you know and well . . . I couldn't think of a better reason to take the day off -- free doughnuts, lots of sugar. Anyway, since I was off, I became the designated driver! 

The children were already being dropped off at nursery and pre-school, so it was just us three adults. Yup. So no screaming kiddies, no running after them, no tantrums, no "Are we there" yets, no "I have to go to the bathroom" at the most inconvenient times. So there was that at least. 

We start off, I was driving, Tonya was riding shotgun and the Dragon was lounging in the backseat. As we got on the highway, the Dragon declared that the sky looked like rain. And it did. 

"Oh I didn't bring an umbrella, Gabriel do have one in the trunk?"

Well, no, no I didn't. And this I told her.

"Well, I wish I had some plastic to put over my head I don't want my hair to get wet," says she.

"I wish you did too, I'd help tie it nice and tight," I muttered as Tonya covertly punched me. Yes, I sat there thinking of sealing a plastic bag over her entire head and tying it off, but well, it was me little fantasy it was and you know how that goes, sigh.

Then as we were 15 minutes into our trip she pokes me on me back and says, "It's very close in here is the air conditioner not working?"

I turned it up higher and noticed after three minutes that Tonya, who had taken off her light jacket had covered her knees with it. I glanced at her as if to say, "Not me fault."

Five minutes later, I get poked again, as the Dragon leaned toward me head and said, "Do you have a blanket in the trunk it's very cold in here."

No, I didn't but for future trips I might invest in a plastic tarp so when I dispose of her . . . I know, I know was another fantasy of mine. I turned the air conditioner down, but she reached forward from the back to fiddle with the air jets while I was driving. I wanted to slap her hands. She turned them full on me! I had to readjust them and drive in heavy traffic which did not please me.

She leaned forward and said, "Gabriel did I tell you I finished all those infernal Harry Potter books?"

"Uh no you didn't. I'm on the last one meself." I said trying to be nice.

"Well, you know Dumbledore really is dead and he had planned his death with Snape. That's what that argument was they had when Snape said he didn't want to do it. Well, it was killing Dumbledore at his request. And Snape turns out to be the good guy and he dies at the end of the book."

I was near livid. I had just told her I was reading the last book meself, and there she was telling me the ending! I wanted to bang me head on the steering column. 

"Well, now I won't have to finish the book." I said but that went right over her head. No remorse, no apology, instead, she went on to tell me she was reading Robinson Crusoe.

"Is it any good, Mother?" Tonya asked.

"Well, its based supposedly on a true story, but turns out Robinson becomes a religious man so lots of Bible quotes. AND, besides being something of a neurotic type, he gets tropical fever and treats himself by putting a green tobacco leaf in a bottle of rum, swigging that, then chewing some tobacco and finding it very strong and finally he lights it up and having no pipe, inhales the stuff. Oddly enough he was better the next day. Then he needs to make clay pots so he finds by accident if he leaves them in a fire they harden up nicely and adds sheet lead to them so now he's ingesting lead in his cooking. And all this he thinks is a good thing." She humphed.

I was bored already. Actually, I was still smarting over the exposed ending to The Deathly Hallows.

"Gabriel, does this car tell the temperature outside and inside?"

"No, it doesn't."

"Gabriel, does this car have a GPS so you know where you are going?"

"No, no it doesn't have that either."

Then Tonya chimed in, "Actually, it doesn't have a space for his sunglasses so when you put the visor down they fall into your lap. And it doesn't have the adjustments on the radio so you can turn the sound down so it's in the back, and it doesn't have heated seats so in the winter you freeze when you first get in."

I was like gee thanks Tonya. Okay it's a stripped down Saturn, get used to it, you are lucky we have a radio and heater. But I said nothing, just thought it was like having the two kids with me.

It did occur to me as we drove on that as other cars passed us, the occupants would look in at us. It was happening so often I started to question what the heck was going on. Was there something wrong with me motor? But as I turned to ask Tonya about this strange phenomenon the Dragon says from the backseat, "Oh good morning Mr. Truck Driver," and I spy her in the rear view waving to drivers as they passed us. I was like OH MY GOD! I don't know why she was doing that, or what possessed her to do that, but it was very uncomfortable going it was.

"You know I feel like I'm sitting in a hole back here," she chirped at me. "It is dark and there is no leg room. I don't know how you fit anyone else in here. This is the smallest car I've ever been in."

BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH!

Finally, we arrived in Kittery and she was all about the hundreds of fine stores, Calvin Klein, Ralph Lauren, Nine West, Coldwater Creek, Old Navy, The Gap, Banana Republic, and J. Crew, just to name a few. I pulled into Nine West because I knew to ask where she wanted to start would take her twenty minutes to think about. 

"Pull to the handicap parking Gabriel, I have my placard with me," she says to me surprise. Now the woman has a bad ankle so she got herself a placard for six months so she can park close to any department store that catches her eye. So I pulled into a space and she hit me with the placard and pointed to a closer space. SO, I park it there, put the placard on display and get out. 

Tonya was taking the Dragon's purse from her, then her cane, and finally pulling her by the arms as the Dragon slid across the backseat inch by painful inch, her legs sticking out of the car. It was nuts the way Ton was pulling and the other one was shifting closer to the door. I was dreaming of ordering a crane to lift her out. Finally, she gets upright, takes purse and cane, adjusts blouse and jacket, and leads us off to Nine West. I was never so bored in me life. One lady store after another. We came out of that section and we pile into the Saturn, and as I start pulling out she points to a handicap parking space ten feet away and tells me to pull in. I was like WHAT? We could have stayed park, but no, no she isn't walking that far. Let it be known we walked further than that from Nine West all the way down the strip on that side! Oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi.

Finally, we hit the stores where there was a mens section. J Crew was number one. I was looking for a green shirt, long sleeved, muted green for work. Dragon asked me what I was looking for, I told her and she kept finding me with a variety of garish green shirts that would suit a woman or a gay man. She also found these madras shorts in green and neon yellow that were a size XXXL. She was holding them up to me to see if they fit! I was about to beam her one. I fit into a large. ONE L no X anything. AND I do not wear plaid shorts! Especially clown colours. 

I got up to the checkout and she came right behind me with a pair of flaming pink and green shorts and asked me if I be sure I don't want to reconsider. Before I can open me mouth with a zinger the lady behind the counter says, "Oh aren't they nice? I just bought a pair for my son, he loves them." What could I say? I bit back the sarcastic remark and gave a simple no instead. 

Each store that had a mens section, same thing, she'd ambush me with blaring green pastel shirts that I would not be caught dead in. And if that wasn't bad enough she really was trying to get me into plaid big boy shorts in the worst way. She would wait until I was at the counter to checkout and she'd be holding up a pair of triple x shorts with some horrible pattern and loudly proclaiming how wonderful I'd look in something so bold and daring. Right you are. I had to suck it up and not say anything nasty but I was sorely tempted.

Finally, the women decided it was lunchtime. Dragon wanted seafood at a place called the Weathervane. Now I had been to one of those in another part of New Hampshire with Tonya. We had stopped by one night, and it was all plastic utensils and paper plates. The food was okay but nothing to write home about. Actually, it felt like we were dining with the geriatric patients at a nursing home. We went one more time thinking the first time was an off night. They had switched up to plates, real plates with real flatware. As we sat down waiting for our waitress I noticed the butter dish was dirty. I put it on another table and took the one from there and when I put it on our table, I noticed it was just as dirty as the one I replaced. When the waitress came and took our order I asked her for another butter dish. What did she do? She took the one I originally had and replaced it BACK on me table. I was so stunned I couldn't talk. 

The food was just as tasteless as the first time, and the dishes looked unwashed and the flatware was a horror. We picked at our food, never finished and as we walked to our motor, me wife turned to me in surprise and asked me what happened to me face. Seems I had broken out in hives from the food! I looked in the car mirror and was gobsmacked that me whole face was swollen and me skin a blotchy mess. So we promised each other never, ever again would be go to that restaurant.

It took some talking down but finally in a huff the Dragon enters the local McDonalds. There were two other places we could have tried, but no, she was in a snit so it was Mickey Ds and that was that. I ordered for her and she told me she would go find a table. I got the food and Tonya the drinks. We looked around because we didn't see her in section one, nor was she in the next section, but there she was in the back section and she was sitting at table with a handicap thingee in the table. 

"Really, a handicap table? We don't have a wheelchair." I said.

"Just pretend you are mentally incapacitated Gabriel and we'll be fine." 

Well, hell at this point that was becoming easy. She was driving me insane as it was and Tonya was trying to hide her amusement. I didn't think it was funny.

After about forty more stores and hundred more bags she was done. We could go home, but hey let's get some Dunkin Donuts for the ride home. By this time I needed a drink and offered to take us to Portsmouth for a rum swizzle, the Dragon's fav drink. I'd even forego the embarrassment of personally ordering them and bringing them to table in front of other patrons. But no, it was coffee and free doughnuts they wanted. Let's go sugar up. Oi! I'd rather a mellow Dragon then a wired one, but well what could I do? 

We made it home and I was informed by Dragon she was off for "a nap." Uh huh. Tonya unloaded everything and jumped back in the motor and we took off to pick up the wee ones. I said nothing to Tonya, but I did tell her about the cat butt and her mother breathing it all in. She asked me how the rude awakening went because "Mom never said a word about you waking her." And I told her about the "UHHHH HUH WHAT UHHH . . . " I was very good at it she told me. She said she'd seen her mother do that on many occasions and thought my impersonation was spot on. We laughed our fools arses off and we were both doing the impression until we got the wee ones.

Just tonight the Airport was crawling along the floor on his belly hissing. I looked down at him and said, "I know what you are being?" And he looked up and said, "What?" And I said, "You're impersonating your grandmother." And he laughed and said, "No silly daddy, I'm a tiger snake." I looked at him and said, "Same thing."

Gabe

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