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R. Linda:
I don't have any luck. None whatsoever. It seems like the Dragon has been here for weeks. But, it was Wednesday she arrived and Thursday and Friday she had me spending at the optician's office. Happy Valentine's Day to you too! I be remiss on wishing anyone a happy anything because I be miserable. I was forced to go out and buy a Valentine's card and a box of candy for the Dragon Lady. I protested, but me wife said it wasn't nice not to. It near killed me to present such things to the old bat but I did it and didn't like a single second of it.
She's now in the lounge, on me couch, wrapped in me green blankie, munching on her bonbons as she calls them. I'd like to bonbon her I would, right out the door! She took the candy like it was her due and the card, oh me God the card, she scanned that over her glasses and then she looked up at me like, HUM, and that was that.
Then later she presented me wife with a chocolate heart and a card, even the Airport got a stupid card and a mini box of chocies. What did I get? NOTHING. It's a woman's holiday didn't I know that? Well no, not really. So tonight I was going to take the sick wife and small child out for dinner, but the wife doesn't feel up to it and oh, me God, we can't leave "mother" -- oh yes we can. I dared Tonya to give it a go.
Tonya felt up to lunch though. She made reservations for Pickety Place she did. Not two and a high chair, no make that three and a high chair. I was not thrilled, but what choice did I have? So I packed everyone in me car and got told how to drive from the back seat dragon.
"Gabriel are you that hungry? Can you please slow it down before we have an accident on these old dirt roads. I don't know what it is Tonya with men, you say the word "food" and they are all about it. Your husband is fixated on food, Dear." Then as an afterthought, "Don't you have paved roads? All this dust and dirt, oh my! I thought the non-existence of streetlights was bad! AND so many trees!"
I wanted to stop the car and turn around and hit her, but I couldn't That was so untrue what she said. I was not driving fast to get to the food. I was not fixated on food, I was fixated on trying to remain CALM, which was becoming harder and harder for me to do. To listen to her complain about roads which are beyond my control, well I tell ya!
We got to the place and of course she's gone and told the Airport that we are having lunch where Little Red Riding Hood lives. Naturally, he wants to know where Little Red is and who is she anyway? She tells him if he eats his lunch she'll come down to see him. I'm like WHAT? She doesn't freaking exist and even if she did she'd be 100 years old by now and not exactly what the kid be expecting! How scary is that?
So we are waiting for our salads, SHE gets up to use the restroom. The Airport thinks she's gone to get Little Red, so I had to tell him that Little Red had caught mummy's cold and wasn't coming down today. She was upstairs sick in bed. This he believed for all of five minutes before SHE came back and said she had seen Little Red and that Little Red wanted to know if O'Hare had eaten his lunch yet. I was like oh me God.
"But daddy said . . . " was all the child got out because she went on to say that the sandwich O'Hare was given by the waitress was made special by Little Red herself, yes the sick child was in the kitchen making sannys. Right you are! I rolled me eyes and got a swift kick under the table from me wife and a glare daring me to say anything, just anything and I'd be a dead man. Therefore, thinking about the alternative I remained silent.
Well, after much whining by the Airport over the question, "When is Lil Red coming?" and me whispering to him, "She's not," and him getting more and more impatient with all of us INCLUDING the waitress, who had been taken aside by the Dragon and told THE story, had gone along with the ruse. It was the worst lunch I ever had. I can't remember what I ate, I know I didn't get to enjoy it, and me right shin is black and blue from the kicking under the table I got. Finally, in a room full of dinners enjoying peanut butter pie with banana whipped cream, the Airport announces to the entire room he has to "Pee and poop!"
"Let me," I said and scooped him up and took him not to the first restroom because, "Daddy dere is some old lady in dere and I don't wanna be in dere cause she prolly smells smelly," but to the second one.
Some parents would cover their faces, but not me, I started laughing that is until the door opened and the "old lady" in question came out with a scowl on her face. I ushered the little man into the other restroom quick as I could. She obviously heard him, but he took that scowl as a sure sign she had done something in that other restroom and he was glad he wasn't going in there. I shut the door and got the little guy on the toilet as he chattered on about "Bammah said . . . " and me saying stupid things like, "Bammah's a little daft, there is no Red Riding Hood, just a wolf in a bed and THAT you already saw." Which was true, there inside the restaurant bookshop is a bedroom with a make-believe wolf lying in a bed wearing Grandma's head scarf.
We went back to the room and I got a dirty look from the "old lady" as we passed by. As soon as he was in his chair the Airport says to the Dragon, "Daddy says your daft deres no Lil Red." Oh goody. I quickly took the fork from me pie and said (as if the child had never spoken), "Peanut butter pie? Do you think it's part of that tainted peanut butter from that place that was exporting salmonella specials?" I got from Tonya, "Don't be ridiculous," and from the Dragon to the Airport, "Your father said what exactly?" Uh oh, I knew I was in trouble, so I quickly got a crayon and handed it to the boy saying, "You dropped this," so his focus would be on me not on answering.
Well, the end of lunch was like being in a freezer. The ice coming from the Dragon and the wife was enough to give me frostbite. Silently we left the room and me and the Airport went on ahead to get the car as the two women had their heads together. I knew the Dragon was railing on me and I think Tonya was half-heartedly sticking up for yours truly, with the usual excuse that kids say the damnedest things sometimes.
As I said, the Dragon be on me couch, wrapped in me blankie (which once again I will be putting through the wash a hundred times once she leaves), devouring her bonbons and looking at me telly, while I be banished to the back room where I be in the dark, bonbon-less, telly-less and officially persona non grata in the dog house.
Gabe
Copyright © 2009 All rights reserved
R. Linda:
I don't have any luck. None whatsoever. It seems like the Dragon has been here for weeks. But, it was Wednesday she arrived and Thursday and Friday she had me spending at the optician's office. Happy Valentine's Day to you too! I be remiss on wishing anyone a happy anything because I be miserable. I was forced to go out and buy a Valentine's card and a box of candy for the Dragon Lady. I protested, but me wife said it wasn't nice not to. It near killed me to present such things to the old bat but I did it and didn't like a single second of it.
She's now in the lounge, on me couch, wrapped in me green blankie, munching on her bonbons as she calls them. I'd like to bonbon her I would, right out the door! She took the candy like it was her due and the card, oh me God the card, she scanned that over her glasses and then she looked up at me like, HUM, and that was that.
Then later she presented me wife with a chocolate heart and a card, even the Airport got a stupid card and a mini box of chocies. What did I get? NOTHING. It's a woman's holiday didn't I know that? Well no, not really. So tonight I was going to take the sick wife and small child out for dinner, but the wife doesn't feel up to it and oh, me God, we can't leave "mother" -- oh yes we can. I dared Tonya to give it a go.
Tonya felt up to lunch though. She made reservations for Pickety Place she did. Not two and a high chair, no make that three and a high chair. I was not thrilled, but what choice did I have? So I packed everyone in me car and got told how to drive from the back seat dragon.
"Gabriel are you that hungry? Can you please slow it down before we have an accident on these old dirt roads. I don't know what it is Tonya with men, you say the word "food" and they are all about it. Your husband is fixated on food, Dear." Then as an afterthought, "Don't you have paved roads? All this dust and dirt, oh my! I thought the non-existence of streetlights was bad! AND so many trees!"
I wanted to stop the car and turn around and hit her, but I couldn't That was so untrue what she said. I was not driving fast to get to the food. I was not fixated on food, I was fixated on trying to remain CALM, which was becoming harder and harder for me to do. To listen to her complain about roads which are beyond my control, well I tell ya!
We got to the place and of course she's gone and told the Airport that we are having lunch where Little Red Riding Hood lives. Naturally, he wants to know where Little Red is and who is she anyway? She tells him if he eats his lunch she'll come down to see him. I'm like WHAT? She doesn't freaking exist and even if she did she'd be 100 years old by now and not exactly what the kid be expecting! How scary is that?
So we are waiting for our salads, SHE gets up to use the restroom. The Airport thinks she's gone to get Little Red, so I had to tell him that Little Red had caught mummy's cold and wasn't coming down today. She was upstairs sick in bed. This he believed for all of five minutes before SHE came back and said she had seen Little Red and that Little Red wanted to know if O'Hare had eaten his lunch yet. I was like oh me God.
"But daddy said . . . " was all the child got out because she went on to say that the sandwich O'Hare was given by the waitress was made special by Little Red herself, yes the sick child was in the kitchen making sannys. Right you are! I rolled me eyes and got a swift kick under the table from me wife and a glare daring me to say anything, just anything and I'd be a dead man. Therefore, thinking about the alternative I remained silent.
Well, after much whining by the Airport over the question, "When is Lil Red coming?" and me whispering to him, "She's not," and him getting more and more impatient with all of us INCLUDING the waitress, who had been taken aside by the Dragon and told THE story, had gone along with the ruse. It was the worst lunch I ever had. I can't remember what I ate, I know I didn't get to enjoy it, and me right shin is black and blue from the kicking under the table I got. Finally, in a room full of dinners enjoying peanut butter pie with banana whipped cream, the Airport announces to the entire room he has to "Pee and poop!"
"Let me," I said and scooped him up and took him not to the first restroom because, "Daddy dere is some old lady in dere and I don't wanna be in dere cause she prolly smells smelly," but to the second one.
Some parents would cover their faces, but not me, I started laughing that is until the door opened and the "old lady" in question came out with a scowl on her face. I ushered the little man into the other restroom quick as I could. She obviously heard him, but he took that scowl as a sure sign she had done something in that other restroom and he was glad he wasn't going in there. I shut the door and got the little guy on the toilet as he chattered on about "Bammah said . . . " and me saying stupid things like, "Bammah's a little daft, there is no Red Riding Hood, just a wolf in a bed and THAT you already saw." Which was true, there inside the restaurant bookshop is a bedroom with a make-believe wolf lying in a bed wearing Grandma's head scarf.
We went back to the room and I got a dirty look from the "old lady" as we passed by. As soon as he was in his chair the Airport says to the Dragon, "Daddy says your daft deres no Lil Red." Oh goody. I quickly took the fork from me pie and said (as if the child had never spoken), "Peanut butter pie? Do you think it's part of that tainted peanut butter from that place that was exporting salmonella specials?" I got from Tonya, "Don't be ridiculous," and from the Dragon to the Airport, "Your father said what exactly?" Uh oh, I knew I was in trouble, so I quickly got a crayon and handed it to the boy saying, "You dropped this," so his focus would be on me not on answering.
Well, the end of lunch was like being in a freezer. The ice coming from the Dragon and the wife was enough to give me frostbite. Silently we left the room and me and the Airport went on ahead to get the car as the two women had their heads together. I knew the Dragon was railing on me and I think Tonya was half-heartedly sticking up for yours truly, with the usual excuse that kids say the damnedest things sometimes.
As I said, the Dragon be on me couch, wrapped in me blankie (which once again I will be putting through the wash a hundred times once she leaves), devouring her bonbons and looking at me telly, while I be banished to the back room where I be in the dark, bonbon-less, telly-less and officially persona non grata in the dog house.
Gabe
Copyright © 2009 All rights reserved
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