208
R. Linda:
As it came to pass, Guildenstern miraculously found his way back to where he had fallen out of the tree, pressed his best friend into a human pancake, and kicked a very valuable sterling ring into oblivion.
"Ah ere' new this be the place it is, it is," he nodded acting very important indeed.
"Yer sure ye are?" The Earl asked, settling his impatient horse.
"Aye, I said it be so, ain I was oop there in that tree," he pointed to the tree, "ain I found the nest, ain saw the ring, ain I grabbed it like this I did," demonstrating a high grasp, "ain then the branch broke, ain before I could shout look oot below, I landed on Rosencrantz's person, ain when I realised I kilt me bestest friend in the whole world, I started ta shake him like this," here was a mime-like demonstration of shaking an invisible person, "ain then wen he dinna wake oop I got opp ain I shook me fist like this," another demonstration of raising fist in air and shaking it, "ain I saw the bloody ring ain not thinkin' cuz I were mad I wuz, I kicked it like this," another demo, "ain oft it were."
"All roight there, so ye saein' ye climbed that tree," the Earl pointed upward, "ye saw the raptor's nest, ye grabbed the ring from it," he gestured like he was grabbing, "the branch ye were olden on ta broke ain yer found yersel tumblin' ta the ground where ye landed flat on yer friend there."
"Uh," Guildenstern held up his index finger, "yer lairdship if I mae, I did not tumble," here he demonstrated with locked fingers a tumble, "I fell straight doon like a missle," here he demonstrated with a shove of his hand downward.
"Oh Gawd whatever," the Earl rolled his eyes.
"So if I mae, I kicked it in that direction," Guildenstern said, facing left.
Horses, men, and the cart were all repositioned to face left. This took sometime as you might think. When everyone was facing the correct direction, Guildenstern all puffed up with importance of being the centre of attention, began taking giant steps into the underbrush, as everyone else began to move forward with him.
He stopped in his tracks, and turned around with his right hand held up in stop position.
"If I mae, I'll look first, ye all weel hae ta give me a moment."
Meanwhile, poor Rosencrantz, all battered and partly broken was trying to make amends with Cedric over the vile things Guildenstern had said about the man's mother.
"It twern't me. I swear on me life I would no sooner sae such things then bite me tongue off. I was brought oop wi a tad more mair manners than yer givin' me credit Cedric."
"Humph!" Cedric sat with arms crossed, face sour and bandaged, arrow laden foot balanced on the back gate of the cart.
"Guildenstern was makin' a jape he wuz. He's alays doin' that," Rosencrantz laughed good-naturedly, but it did not change Cedric's mind. No indeed it did not. He continued to sit closed up, and pouting as everyone watched the searching Guildenstern.
In short time it became obvious to everyone but Guildenstern, he could not find the ring. I mean any man who would at first gingerly look about him, carefully pick up a leaf to see if there was a ring underneath, and who near about ruined his eyesight by focusing so hard, and then started thrashing the sticks and debris of the forest floor in a muck sweat was by all means, not finding the lost article.
Soon the exasperated Earl, heaving exasperated sighs, ordered all his men off their horses and crawling on hands and knees began to search along side the reckless Guildenstern, maybe not as enthusiastically, but all the same they gave the ground a good going over. All except the Earl, Rosencrantz, Cedric and the near blind and headachey MacDaff.
Rosencrantz fearing that his friend was about to have them both meet their makers because of a kicked off ring, struggled to get out of the cart, and upon doing such and being a blundering idiot all on his own, mistakenly got hold of the arrow shaft sticking out of Cedric's foot, and pressing down on it for leverage, awkwardly leaped over the cart door, but not before Cedric let out a blood curling scream and near about leaped out of his skin to get his hands on Rosencrantz's neck. However, in his moving forward in a blind and pain-filled rage, he missed Rosencrantz all together and his sturdy and violently squeezing hands got around the neck of one MacDaff who, suffering a dreadful head injury all his own, seized up when the oxygen closed off suddenly to this tiny brawny brain, bringing Cedric with him and startling the horse drawing the cart, who in turn, took off at full romp down the woodland path.
I regret to say, noone has heard from them to this day. But back to our idiot heroes. No sooner had the horse, cart and occupants disappeared down the road, the surprised Earl demanded everyone stop looking for the ring. He was of a mind to send a few men after the cart, but he was more interested in his inheritance than saving two lives. Well, of course he was, he was the Earl after all, a snobby and spoilt twit who was more interested in his own appearance than he was of anyone else's, unless they were sporting something like a hat with a feather bigger and better than his, he'd have them waylaid and he'd be sporting the coveted feathered hat. But enough of this nonsense, the Earl decided that the ring was lost and maybe another day he'd send some fools out to look for it, just for his own amusement.
"Ye two weel walk all the way back to the castle. Ain once we get there, ye two weel be strung up by the heels as an example to all fools in the world, that ye are not tolerated in my kingdom. When I be good ain ready I weel turn ye both the upside under, ain ye'll hang by the neck until DEID."
Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear! Such an end to two fools who started off proud to be delivering an item that had they thought about it, could have given them both a very wealthy life, but they were not smart enough to be thieves. No, there they were fooled by a thinking, talking and let's not forget, sly monkey. But in the end, the monkey's end that is, the silver ring turned up in the tree just where Guildenstern had almost grabbed it, but was flummoxed by a bird of prey. What courage it took to admit defeat, but still have the willpower to track a bird (even under threat of death), and find the ring once again, only to lose it because of a fit of temper.
"Tis a fitting end," Rosencrantz said to his friend.
"Aye, we deserve it, but I be joyous ye are alive ain kind of weel, even fi yer looks taller ain skinner than before."
Rosencrantz kept tripping over his boot flap, the sole had come dislodged when they were tracking the raptor, and once he had been fallen upon, it was more difficult to walk. Now after four miles of the march back to the castle he was having a devil of a time.
"Wot is wrong wei ye man ye can't seem to balance or walk." The Earl said, inwardly laughing at the shuffle step, Rosencrantz had been keeping up for two of the four miles.
"Kin we stop yer lardwhip, I mean lairdship? Seems me boot is coomb apart ain I must take it off."
"Oh fur Gawd's sake, stop everyone so this fool can walk wei one boot on ain one boot off," the Earl rolled his eyes as his patience was about to run out.
Rosencrantz was helped by his friend to sit upon a large boulder. He tugged at his boot and it was hard to get off, so he tugged again.
"Ere' let me," Guildenstern said.
He straddled his friend's leg and Rosencrantz put his shod foot on Guildenstern's arse and with a mighty shove of his foot, repelled Guildenstern forward where he landed at the feet of the Earl's nag. As he came to rest, he could hear the clink of metal as the long sought for ring bounced out of Rosencrantz's flapping sole and upon the stones in the road.
"Why I'll be a dumb monkey," he muttered.
"Oh fur heaven's sakes, someone fetch my ring," the Earl said rolling his eyes heavenward, as if this whole episode had been nothing more than an inconvenience.
The ring was brought, the servant bowing his head and lifting the ring sitting in the palm of his hands. The Earl took it and slipped it on admiring how lovely it looked upon his soft fine hand, that had never done a lick of work.
"Ye mae go, ye two," he said still admiring the ring without looking at the two gobsmacked fools.
"That's it then? We mae go?" Guildenstern stood up.
"Um, aye ye kin go."
"Are ye serious? That's it? We find the ring, no reward, no thank you very much, just we kin go?"
Rosencrantz's eyes got big. Guildenstern never knew when to shut his cakehole. He hobbled over and putting a hand over his friend's mouth, looked up at the Earl and said, "Thank ye. So kind of ye, we'll be running along now."
Rosencrantz's memory was coming back as he pulled Guildenstern away. Yes, he remembered now, he had been sitting crossed legged, examining the flapping sole of his boot when he was suddenly flattened to the ground. He could remember starting to come too after being shaken, and he vaguely remembered Guildenstern in a tirade kicking the ring. It struck his boot hard, and he passed back out. The damn thing had been caught in his boot the entire time, making his journey back to the castle a ghastly painful experience.
As the smirking Earl turned his prancy horse around, he waved the hand wearing the ring for his entourage to follow, the idiots stood there like idiots watching them go, the ring glinting in the sunset.
There is no moral to this story. BUT you must be wondering who would wear a ring that had been inside a monkey and shat out as poo.
The end.
Copyright © 2007 All rights reserved
R. Linda:
As it came to pass, Guildenstern miraculously found his way back to where he had fallen out of the tree, pressed his best friend into a human pancake, and kicked a very valuable sterling ring into oblivion.
"Ah ere' new this be the place it is, it is," he nodded acting very important indeed.
"Yer sure ye are?" The Earl asked, settling his impatient horse.
"Aye, I said it be so, ain I was oop there in that tree," he pointed to the tree, "ain I found the nest, ain saw the ring, ain I grabbed it like this I did," demonstrating a high grasp, "ain then the branch broke, ain before I could shout look oot below, I landed on Rosencrantz's person, ain when I realised I kilt me bestest friend in the whole world, I started ta shake him like this," here was a mime-like demonstration of shaking an invisible person, "ain then wen he dinna wake oop I got opp ain I shook me fist like this," another demonstration of raising fist in air and shaking it, "ain I saw the bloody ring ain not thinkin' cuz I were mad I wuz, I kicked it like this," another demo, "ain oft it were."
"All roight there, so ye saein' ye climbed that tree," the Earl pointed upward, "ye saw the raptor's nest, ye grabbed the ring from it," he gestured like he was grabbing, "the branch ye were olden on ta broke ain yer found yersel tumblin' ta the ground where ye landed flat on yer friend there."
"Uh," Guildenstern held up his index finger, "yer lairdship if I mae, I did not tumble," here he demonstrated with locked fingers a tumble, "I fell straight doon like a missle," here he demonstrated with a shove of his hand downward.
"Oh Gawd whatever," the Earl rolled his eyes.
"So if I mae, I kicked it in that direction," Guildenstern said, facing left.
Horses, men, and the cart were all repositioned to face left. This took sometime as you might think. When everyone was facing the correct direction, Guildenstern all puffed up with importance of being the centre of attention, began taking giant steps into the underbrush, as everyone else began to move forward with him.
He stopped in his tracks, and turned around with his right hand held up in stop position.
"If I mae, I'll look first, ye all weel hae ta give me a moment."
Meanwhile, poor Rosencrantz, all battered and partly broken was trying to make amends with Cedric over the vile things Guildenstern had said about the man's mother.
"It twern't me. I swear on me life I would no sooner sae such things then bite me tongue off. I was brought oop wi a tad more mair manners than yer givin' me credit Cedric."
"Humph!" Cedric sat with arms crossed, face sour and bandaged, arrow laden foot balanced on the back gate of the cart.
"Guildenstern was makin' a jape he wuz. He's alays doin' that," Rosencrantz laughed good-naturedly, but it did not change Cedric's mind. No indeed it did not. He continued to sit closed up, and pouting as everyone watched the searching Guildenstern.
In short time it became obvious to everyone but Guildenstern, he could not find the ring. I mean any man who would at first gingerly look about him, carefully pick up a leaf to see if there was a ring underneath, and who near about ruined his eyesight by focusing so hard, and then started thrashing the sticks and debris of the forest floor in a muck sweat was by all means, not finding the lost article.
Soon the exasperated Earl, heaving exasperated sighs, ordered all his men off their horses and crawling on hands and knees began to search along side the reckless Guildenstern, maybe not as enthusiastically, but all the same they gave the ground a good going over. All except the Earl, Rosencrantz, Cedric and the near blind and headachey MacDaff.
Rosencrantz fearing that his friend was about to have them both meet their makers because of a kicked off ring, struggled to get out of the cart, and upon doing such and being a blundering idiot all on his own, mistakenly got hold of the arrow shaft sticking out of Cedric's foot, and pressing down on it for leverage, awkwardly leaped over the cart door, but not before Cedric let out a blood curling scream and near about leaped out of his skin to get his hands on Rosencrantz's neck. However, in his moving forward in a blind and pain-filled rage, he missed Rosencrantz all together and his sturdy and violently squeezing hands got around the neck of one MacDaff who, suffering a dreadful head injury all his own, seized up when the oxygen closed off suddenly to this tiny brawny brain, bringing Cedric with him and startling the horse drawing the cart, who in turn, took off at full romp down the woodland path.
I regret to say, noone has heard from them to this day. But back to our idiot heroes. No sooner had the horse, cart and occupants disappeared down the road, the surprised Earl demanded everyone stop looking for the ring. He was of a mind to send a few men after the cart, but he was more interested in his inheritance than saving two lives. Well, of course he was, he was the Earl after all, a snobby and spoilt twit who was more interested in his own appearance than he was of anyone else's, unless they were sporting something like a hat with a feather bigger and better than his, he'd have them waylaid and he'd be sporting the coveted feathered hat. But enough of this nonsense, the Earl decided that the ring was lost and maybe another day he'd send some fools out to look for it, just for his own amusement.
"Ye two weel walk all the way back to the castle. Ain once we get there, ye two weel be strung up by the heels as an example to all fools in the world, that ye are not tolerated in my kingdom. When I be good ain ready I weel turn ye both the upside under, ain ye'll hang by the neck until DEID."
Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear! Such an end to two fools who started off proud to be delivering an item that had they thought about it, could have given them both a very wealthy life, but they were not smart enough to be thieves. No, there they were fooled by a thinking, talking and let's not forget, sly monkey. But in the end, the monkey's end that is, the silver ring turned up in the tree just where Guildenstern had almost grabbed it, but was flummoxed by a bird of prey. What courage it took to admit defeat, but still have the willpower to track a bird (even under threat of death), and find the ring once again, only to lose it because of a fit of temper.
"Tis a fitting end," Rosencrantz said to his friend.
"Aye, we deserve it, but I be joyous ye are alive ain kind of weel, even fi yer looks taller ain skinner than before."
Rosencrantz kept tripping over his boot flap, the sole had come dislodged when they were tracking the raptor, and once he had been fallen upon, it was more difficult to walk. Now after four miles of the march back to the castle he was having a devil of a time.
"Wot is wrong wei ye man ye can't seem to balance or walk." The Earl said, inwardly laughing at the shuffle step, Rosencrantz had been keeping up for two of the four miles.
"Kin we stop yer lardwhip, I mean lairdship? Seems me boot is coomb apart ain I must take it off."
"Oh fur Gawd's sake, stop everyone so this fool can walk wei one boot on ain one boot off," the Earl rolled his eyes as his patience was about to run out.
Rosencrantz was helped by his friend to sit upon a large boulder. He tugged at his boot and it was hard to get off, so he tugged again.
"Ere' let me," Guildenstern said.
He straddled his friend's leg and Rosencrantz put his shod foot on Guildenstern's arse and with a mighty shove of his foot, repelled Guildenstern forward where he landed at the feet of the Earl's nag. As he came to rest, he could hear the clink of metal as the long sought for ring bounced out of Rosencrantz's flapping sole and upon the stones in the road.
"Why I'll be a dumb monkey," he muttered.
"Oh fur heaven's sakes, someone fetch my ring," the Earl said rolling his eyes heavenward, as if this whole episode had been nothing more than an inconvenience.
The ring was brought, the servant bowing his head and lifting the ring sitting in the palm of his hands. The Earl took it and slipped it on admiring how lovely it looked upon his soft fine hand, that had never done a lick of work.
"Ye mae go, ye two," he said still admiring the ring without looking at the two gobsmacked fools.
"That's it then? We mae go?" Guildenstern stood up.
"Um, aye ye kin go."
"Are ye serious? That's it? We find the ring, no reward, no thank you very much, just we kin go?"
Rosencrantz's eyes got big. Guildenstern never knew when to shut his cakehole. He hobbled over and putting a hand over his friend's mouth, looked up at the Earl and said, "Thank ye. So kind of ye, we'll be running along now."
Rosencrantz's memory was coming back as he pulled Guildenstern away. Yes, he remembered now, he had been sitting crossed legged, examining the flapping sole of his boot when he was suddenly flattened to the ground. He could remember starting to come too after being shaken, and he vaguely remembered Guildenstern in a tirade kicking the ring. It struck his boot hard, and he passed back out. The damn thing had been caught in his boot the entire time, making his journey back to the castle a ghastly painful experience.
As the smirking Earl turned his prancy horse around, he waved the hand wearing the ring for his entourage to follow, the idiots stood there like idiots watching them go, the ring glinting in the sunset.
There is no moral to this story. BUT you must be wondering who would wear a ring that had been inside a monkey and shat out as poo.
The end.
Copyright © 2007 All rights reserved
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