Big News . . . Earthquakes, Ground Blizzard And BUY CHINESE!

13 February 2017
Story #850

R. Linda:

There is big news here in New Hampshire, uh huh. Wanna hear what it is? No, you probably don't, but guess what? I be going to tell ya anyhow.

The big news, besides the storm of the century that dumped almost two more feet on top of the two we had just recently accumulated, IS an earthquake! Yes, R. Linda, there was a . . . are you ready? There was a two-point fiver in Bedford, New Hampshire! I know it's just too much to keep to oneself. Anyway, you'd think they never had one in that area before. There are two to four a year, so this is new? I don't think so, earthquake fans. But the local news thought it was BIG, so they were reporting from . . . are you ready again? THE EPICENTRE, yes, a field with nothing in it.

The camera at the epicentre featured a pathway of knee-deep snow like a fissure, but it wasn't R. Linda, it was where the crew made their way into the field! Gees, they think the viewers are dopes. Anyway, they said nothing; they just zoomed in on the path or fissure, whichever you prefer, without saying it was a path or a fissure, leaving it to the viewer's imagination to pick one. And . . . no, we aren't finished yet, they reported on air that so far, yes, so far, R. Linda, there were no reported or known injuries or damages. YOU THINK? And it gets better . . . they warned of AFTERSHOCKS! Can you feel aftershocks after a 2.5? What a bunch of crazies.

They also have a new term, ground blizzard. I was like, what the heck is that now? It was explained that it is the wind whipping up snow on the ground, so you can't see. It is what we'd call a whiteout. Yup, new name, so if you hear the term, you'll know what it is. The second was the snow needles- these are spears of snow crystals that don't fully form as a flake, but come down pinging the windows and roofs like sleet. I think personally, it is a fancy name for SLEET, just sayin'.

Now for the more home-bound, mundane news. Mam decided me office needed a woman's touch. No, it did not require that, but she was all about hanging sheer curtains under the (I hope I have this correct) swags and jabots. I said I liked the scenery and did not want it obscured, but "Gabriel, dis will make it warm and coozy." I didn't want warm and cosy; I wanted an office. So she ordered the curtains anyway, doesn't matter what I say, so why ask? I did say, "Do not spend scads of money on those curtains I don't want." She said she hadn't, she ordered online from a Chinese company that will send within three days. Yeah, right, she'll show Trump. The last time she ordered from China, the goods were thrown on the slow boat and arrived three months after the fact. So I thought good, by the time they arrive, it will be spring and there will be no need for "warm and coozy."

Well, they arrived within the promised three days. Yes, they did, and it must have been by missile express. The day they physically arrived at the door, the little old woman was very busy cleaning and doing the wash. The wife and kiddos had gone on a school skiing trip, and that was her perfect opportunity to do a "lil' hoose cleanin'." She worked her little Irish self to the bone, making everything look pristine like no one lived in the house. Yup, she did. By dinner time (which she insisted on preparing because she's Super Mam), she was pretty broken and talking about an early bedtime. As she was shuffling off, the doorbell rang (it was 7:35) and guess what? CURTAINS and rods had arrived! Oh boy. Well, she was so tired I thought I'd have a few more days of curtain-less windows, but NO, out came the iron and ironing board.

"Ma, leave it be, you're knacked, I don't need the curtains up at night anyway. Take a few days off." I pleaded, but she couldn't have it, and she set on getting the rods out and up. The iron was hot, so she took one pair of curtains out of the bag, and I was watching this examination as her face took on a look of confusion, then bewilderment, then WTF, and she held them at one end, then another and she was shaking her head. And "tsking," yes, making that hissing sound between her teeth. She pulled out another and the same thing. I was curious now, so I asked if there was some bizarre curtain problem. Yes, yes, there was.

"Either whoever made dese dint half a sewin' machine, or dey are blind an' shaky, or dey be halfwits, or dey doon no how ta sew, definitely doon no how ta measure and luck at dis fabric it be pooled here and dere and snagged and it gets sheer at one half and dense at da utter."

I suggested she send them back, but she told me the postage would cost her more than what she paid. It turns out that when I said if she bought curtains, not to spend a lot on them, and she didn't. She spent $4.99 on four packages of two curtains each. No wonder they were so terribly made. I started to laugh, which I thought might make her angry, but she wasn't; she told me she was hanging them anyway and she'd tie them back so the differing lengths and weird fabric and stitching wouldn't show.

"Oh, don't do that." I really didn't want cartoon curtains.

"You hush noow, it will be alright." And with that, she set upon ironing and hanging the Chinese monstrosities in me office. Okay, she has done a good job you really have to look closely except not when you see the curtain hem at the bottom, THEN YOU KNOW these are  not well made and they hang strangely, but like she said, "It is a man's room, they'll think you did dis."

THANKS, MAM!

Just look at these:

BEFORE and looking good

AFTER not so much

Gabe
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