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R. Linda:
Did I mention these two idiots had names? Like the monkey they too came from a somewhat spurious line. One was Rosencrantz and the other Guildenstern, indentured servants come over from Denmark to serve the great House of MacNasty. The names maybe familiar as yes indeed, these two were the illegitimate descendants of the same two namesakes who forsook one Hamlet, Prince of Denmark, oh so long ago. But that is another story for another time.
They found themselves upside down hanging from a huge tree.
"Yer my best pal ain I luv ye," one said to the other.
With a tear in his eyes, the other one looked over at his vertical friend and said, "The wee beastie did us in. I wad drink a wee dram of uisge beatha (water of life = whiskey) to him I wad, fur outsmarting us."
"Hud yer wheesht (hold your cloak)," the other whispered, "here coombs that man of the Earl's he wad be eavesdropping on us I should think. Let us give him something to listen to." And he reached across and shook his fellows hand as the servant came to lean on the tree, pipe in hand for a reekie pull.
"Hey doon below, be there time fur a wee dram as the sun is nearly set ov'r the yard-am?"
The servant looked up, blowing a long plume of smoke from his clay pipe.
"Och, wot a fine idea that be," he smiled up at them, "but alas, seems it be a waste of fine Laphroaig to see it spill before it could reach yer lips," and he sighed as if in commiseration with the two upside down dolts.
And so it played out that the two finally broke down and explained in detail over and over the same story they told the Earl of how they were fooled by a mere monkey and how they could not understand what happened to the hallowed ring, as they had both seen the wee beastie swallow it. Finally, when all the blood in their bodies had come to settle in their heads (making their faces very red indeed), they lost total control of their speech and hurled at him enough crude Gaelic that would have "Rabbie Burns burling in his grave at the damage they were wreakin' on ain wurds in the heathen tongue," as the servant put it straight to the young Earl, in other words, Robby Burns would spin in his grave at the words these two miscreants were throwing at the servant in the ancient tongue of Scotland, crude as their command of it was.
The young Earl contemplated the two upside down thieves out his high window. They were in an animated struggle with each other, no longer pals but combatants in what one or the other should have said to the servant. The Earl pursed his lips together in thought.
"Ain they said wot aboot yer moother?"
"Of their speech I understood one wurd in twenty, ain that was most coarse ain seemed to refer to my moother," the servant shrugged slapping his hands against his sides in frustration.
"Hum could be they are telling the truth. Not aboot yer moother, the other." He said seeing the servant's face drop. "Let's cut em' doon ain take them back to where they met up wit the wee beastie," the Earl directed, and so it was done and came to pass the two still red in the face fools found themselves at the scene of the crime. They re-enacted all they could remember, quite amusingly so, by each filling their own role and alternating as the voice of the monkey. To which the Earl and party rolled their eyes in disbelief but said nothing, letting the two dimwits go about it.
Up above in the tree laden with nuts, came a squirrel to store his bounty in his hole. He thought to himself that the scent of the men below was vile, and so tried not to breathe too much until he was inside the hole. But wait what is this? The hole in the upper limb was covered in monkey poop. How was that possible? He held onto his nuts and holding his breath spied something silvery and shinny in the mass of brown poo. Not sure if the aliens had arrived in poop saucers, the squirrel dropped his nuts onto the fools below and sat chattering loudly in squirrel talk about the disturbing mess and silver object from outer space. Of course, the humans did not understand a word of it, but it did get their attentions.
"Wonder if we hae disturbed something," the Earl's servant muttered, "that is one pissed off squirrel."
Well, wouldn't you be pissed off to come home and find your nut stash covered in monkey poo?
Suddenly it dawned on one of the dimwitted fools that the thick limb of the tree was where the monkey had been sitting before it keeled over and hit the ground. Quickly he ran for the tree and started climbing.
"I think I know where the ring is," he shouted.
The squirrel took off up the tree still chattering now at the human invading its territory. Carefully the dimwit straddled the tree limb and pulled himself to the raised knot hole where the squirrel den was. He saw it, a pool of poo and yes, the ring half embedded in the mass.
"Warm-reekin rich!" He shouted. "Its ere', I'll need to get it oot," and he rolled up his sleeve all set to dip in when overhead the sound of wings made everyone look skyward. Just as the fool had two fingertips on the ring a red kite came gliding down and in a blink of an eye, the ring was heading heavenward.
Oh dear, oh dear.
Copyright © 2007 All rights reserved
R. Linda:
Did I mention these two idiots had names? Like the monkey they too came from a somewhat spurious line. One was Rosencrantz and the other Guildenstern, indentured servants come over from Denmark to serve the great House of MacNasty. The names maybe familiar as yes indeed, these two were the illegitimate descendants of the same two namesakes who forsook one Hamlet, Prince of Denmark, oh so long ago. But that is another story for another time.
They found themselves upside down hanging from a huge tree.
"Yer my best pal ain I luv ye," one said to the other.
With a tear in his eyes, the other one looked over at his vertical friend and said, "The wee beastie did us in. I wad drink a wee dram of uisge beatha (water of life = whiskey) to him I wad, fur outsmarting us."
"Hud yer wheesht (hold your cloak)," the other whispered, "here coombs that man of the Earl's he wad be eavesdropping on us I should think. Let us give him something to listen to." And he reached across and shook his fellows hand as the servant came to lean on the tree, pipe in hand for a reekie pull.
"Hey doon below, be there time fur a wee dram as the sun is nearly set ov'r the yard-am?"
The servant looked up, blowing a long plume of smoke from his clay pipe.
"Och, wot a fine idea that be," he smiled up at them, "but alas, seems it be a waste of fine Laphroaig to see it spill before it could reach yer lips," and he sighed as if in commiseration with the two upside down dolts.
And so it played out that the two finally broke down and explained in detail over and over the same story they told the Earl of how they were fooled by a mere monkey and how they could not understand what happened to the hallowed ring, as they had both seen the wee beastie swallow it. Finally, when all the blood in their bodies had come to settle in their heads (making their faces very red indeed), they lost total control of their speech and hurled at him enough crude Gaelic that would have "Rabbie Burns burling in his grave at the damage they were wreakin' on ain wurds in the heathen tongue," as the servant put it straight to the young Earl, in other words, Robby Burns would spin in his grave at the words these two miscreants were throwing at the servant in the ancient tongue of Scotland, crude as their command of it was.
The young Earl contemplated the two upside down thieves out his high window. They were in an animated struggle with each other, no longer pals but combatants in what one or the other should have said to the servant. The Earl pursed his lips together in thought.
"Ain they said wot aboot yer moother?"
"Of their speech I understood one wurd in twenty, ain that was most coarse ain seemed to refer to my moother," the servant shrugged slapping his hands against his sides in frustration.
"Hum could be they are telling the truth. Not aboot yer moother, the other." He said seeing the servant's face drop. "Let's cut em' doon ain take them back to where they met up wit the wee beastie," the Earl directed, and so it was done and came to pass the two still red in the face fools found themselves at the scene of the crime. They re-enacted all they could remember, quite amusingly so, by each filling their own role and alternating as the voice of the monkey. To which the Earl and party rolled their eyes in disbelief but said nothing, letting the two dimwits go about it.
Up above in the tree laden with nuts, came a squirrel to store his bounty in his hole. He thought to himself that the scent of the men below was vile, and so tried not to breathe too much until he was inside the hole. But wait what is this? The hole in the upper limb was covered in monkey poop. How was that possible? He held onto his nuts and holding his breath spied something silvery and shinny in the mass of brown poo. Not sure if the aliens had arrived in poop saucers, the squirrel dropped his nuts onto the fools below and sat chattering loudly in squirrel talk about the disturbing mess and silver object from outer space. Of course, the humans did not understand a word of it, but it did get their attentions.
"Wonder if we hae disturbed something," the Earl's servant muttered, "that is one pissed off squirrel."
Well, wouldn't you be pissed off to come home and find your nut stash covered in monkey poo?
Suddenly it dawned on one of the dimwitted fools that the thick limb of the tree was where the monkey had been sitting before it keeled over and hit the ground. Quickly he ran for the tree and started climbing.
"I think I know where the ring is," he shouted.
The squirrel took off up the tree still chattering now at the human invading its territory. Carefully the dimwit straddled the tree limb and pulled himself to the raised knot hole where the squirrel den was. He saw it, a pool of poo and yes, the ring half embedded in the mass.
"Warm-reekin rich!" He shouted. "Its ere', I'll need to get it oot," and he rolled up his sleeve all set to dip in when overhead the sound of wings made everyone look skyward. Just as the fool had two fingertips on the ring a red kite came gliding down and in a blink of an eye, the ring was heading heavenward.
Oh dear, oh dear.
Copyright © 2007 All rights reserved
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