237
R. Linda:
This morning yours truly decided to stop at a candy shoppe and pick up the peppermints Tonya loves. She mentioned she had a wee bit o' craving, yes she did. She said it like that with a hint of Irish accent and that just delights me to me toes when she talks like that, so I thought to be quite the sport and stop by the homemade candy place and get those peppermints, even if they do taste like toothpaste pumped inside a chocolate shell.
While I was there, I spied these giant maltesers or what looked like them. I had to have some, so I ordered a bag and off I went. I hopped in me car and decided to pop one in and was I ripe for a surprise. Instead of the malted soft ball I bit through a fudge coated hard ball. Yes, I did. Instantly causing pain to me jaw and a horrible crunching sound going off in me ears. The thing was so big I couldn't do anything put pull to the side of the road and spit it out. When I did, I noticed pieces of white in the chocolaty goop and thought at first it was pieces of nut, but no, they were really hard and as me tongue was cleaning the goo off me teeth, I felt a jagged patch of tooth. I had broke one of me pearlies! I contorted me lips so I could see the back tooth and sure enough, there be half a tooth back there.
Cursing, I fumbled with me mobile phone and called the dentist. He put me right in (the way I was talking I must have sounded like I be in a great deal of pain -- and I was at the thought that me perfect pearly whites were missing one lovely piece, that when I smiled (which was difficult, there was not a thing to smile about), one could see I was minus a good portion of tooth.
I got over there as fast as I could and was put in the chair, and me mouth was prodded and poked and there was much, "Uh huhs" and "Ooo's" making me eyes go wide at the thought of the damage, tears started running down me face. Well, okay that be a lie, but if I could have I would have let those tears free.
"Gabriel, we'll fix that up right now. I'll take a couple of impressions, file the tooth for temporary cap prep and you'll be good to go, but no caramel or hard candies."
Oh woe was me! Here I had 31 lovely pearls and one fake on the way. I sighed heavily and nodded. Doctor left me and his assistant came in with a metal tray. She had what looked like a Bratwurst heating in some kind of Dr Frankenstein canister. She took it out and squeezed the material into the tray and then with an "Open wide," inserted it in me mouth. I almost gagged from the tray jammed in far back to me palate. To make sure I didn't move it out she held it with her latex gloved fingers. You ever suck on latex? Let me tell you it is a vile taste it be.
Finally, after what seemed like an hour of gag reflex going off, she pries it, and I mean pries the tray out of me mouth. I thought all me teeth were coming with it. She yanked one final time and it came out with a suction sound that about flipped me backwards.
Before I could say a word she came at me with another tray and did me lower jaw. That was uncomfortable, me lower jaw was being held open by her pressure pushing fingers on the tray. The jaw felt like it had been open for years and it was hurting so much I can't describe the pain. Once the lower impressions were done, with the same pulling it out of me mouth as the top, another nurse came in to take x-rays of me damaged tooth. She did that and told me to try and relax awhile, they wouldn't be long. While the impressions were being poured and the x-ray developed I had time to scan the operatory walls. In front of me were large charts with all kinds of gum and tooth disease. Talk about relaxing, there be nothing relaxing about staring at gaping holes in teeth and beet red bleeding gums.
I was perfectly nauseous by the time the dentist and the first assistant returned with an acrylic tooth! Yes, a "cardboard" cutout of me old tooth, actually a facsimile of me old chopper. I sighed back into me chair when suddenly I see it, a huge needle dripping on the end with Novocain. Oi!
"Open wide now Gabe, you'll feel a pinch."
Never in me life have I had me mouth numbed. Oh yes, I've heard the stories and I laughed. Yeah I did, that back in the old days when I had perfect choppers.
The needle stung and I moved me head back as if that would get the needle away. The dentist injected in the front, then behind the broken pearly. Soon a slightly tingling sensation started in me gums and cheek. Not a good tingly sensation, an irritating one. It was dreadfully strange the way the novocain seemed to spread into the side of me face. I felt like me lips were bigger than Angelina Jolie's and me cheek must be dropped like the elephant man's down to the floor. I felt me own spit drooling out of the side of me mouth to drip, drip, drip on the napkin chained about me neck. Decidedly not a good time.
Suddenly me jaws were pried open and a metal clip was put around me broken tooth. The two of them working like demented demons put some kind of rubber sheet (they called it a rubber dam) around the tooth and this they stretched on a metal frame to keep it stretched. Then the dentist had the gall to ask me stuff. Why do they do that knowing full well you can't reply?
I didn't have to to react one way or the other, the whirr of the drill started and I saw it coming at me face. I quickly shut me eyes to blot it out but on the other side of me mouth I felt this plastic thing placed on me tongue and it was sucking up me tongue! Begorrah me, but they were going to suffocate yours truly! Or worse, suck me tongue out of me head and I'd be mute for the rest of me born days.
Me eyes flew open but I got a face full of water from the drill. The assistant asked if I wanted safety glasses. Safety glasses? If I could have spoken, I'd have asked her what in hades they were planning, but I couldn't move. She reached behind her and fitted goggles over me terrified eyes and the drill whirred again and off they went filing down me tooth and sucking me tongue up.
I closed me eyes resigned to get it over with. Before I knew it they were squirting water and air on the tooth or what was left of it. The dam came snapping out of me mouth, almost hitting me in the goggles and then the goggles were removed. Me numbed tongue gingerly found the tooth and oh my God, there was hardly any tooth left! It be a stump of it's former beautiful self. I be aghast, I can't find words to express me horror, but I didn't need to because instantly the acrylic tooth is glued into me head and a wad of cotton is stuck between the fake tooth and me lower choppers. I be told to "bite down hard and stay that way. Only be a couple of minutes Gabe, and you'll be good to go."
For joi! I be trying to bite down hard, but I can't feel me jaw so I don't know if I be biting down at all. The nurse finally sees me struggling and inserts a gloved finger under the fake tooth and pushes up holding it there as the drool be running out of me mouth onto the floor.
Finally, I be released from the finger, napkin and chair. I be unloaded of $600 instantly and told to make an appointment in a month. A month? And I will have me porcelain tooth which will so resemble the rest, no one will be the wiser it isn't the original. Great, bloody great! I go stumbling out into the rain and that doesn't help me mood one bit. I decide a cup of coffee is what I need, so I stop at the drive-thru at a Dunkin Donuts, and go to speak and find . . . I CANNOT!
The voice on the speaker says, "Welcome to Dunkin Donuts, can I interest you in a flat bread sandwich today?"
I tried to say no, a cup of coffee, cream only, only it sounded more like, "Nah agh coop agh taffy cram ooniee."
There was hesitation on the speaker when it crackled to life with this: "Did you say nah no cup of toffee cram it on me? What? What?"
"Nah, Ugh sayd agh coo of taffy cram ooniee." Big sigh followed that try.
"Sir, if you can't be respectful may I suggest you go to Starbucks down the street!"
Oi!
I decided to gun me car out of there and take her advice. I get to Starbucks and guess what? No drive thru, I have to go in. Oi, oi, oi!
So I slam out of me car, the right side of me face is totally numb and find it is starting to rain heavily. Only it wasn't rain, it was me drool hitting me as I moved. And I only realised this once I was inside and standing in line for service. I got out of line, grabbed a bunch of paper napkins and stood there back in line, mopping up the drool. Suddenly I notice the line got very short. I was the only one there and then I realised it was me drooling. Like a rabid dog the other customers left me. So holding the napkins to the right side of me mouth, I try to order a white chocolate vente. Do you know how hard it is to say "vente" with no feeling on one side of your face?
"Whiah shock o lot fen tay."
The Starbucks guy looked at me with his brow creased. He pointed at me and looks at his manager. I sigh, this is getting stupid now. The manager comes over and looks at me. I put me finger in the air signaling a minute please. I get the pen inside me jacket pocket, a dry paper napkin and write me order. That's great, I actually got the drink.
I decided to go to one of those cafe stands where you can put your drink on the tiny high top and stand there and drink it, well in my case, try to drink it. Having no experience with the effects of Novacain, I took a sip. Instantly I found me voice when the hot swig I took came back out and gushed over me tie, shirt, and good jacket. I was covered in what looked like baby vomit. Everyone stopped, I mean everyone and they all looked straight at me. Can you imagine the embarrassment I felt? Probably not (because you possibly had all your teeth filled and are very experienced with Novacain. You must be smug sitting there reading this).
Sadly, I slunk out of there as quickly as I could, grabbing a handful of paper napkins. I went to the car and cried I did like a girl, YES LIKE A GIRL. I chucked the vente in the trash and drove home. I threw off me soiled baby vomit-like clothing, got into me bed and stayed there until me mouth came back with feeling. And when it did, OH MY GOD, the gum around the fake tooth smarted like a dog sitting on a firecracker. WOWEY WOW WOW!
That's me sad arse tale. Sigh. That is why it took so long to write it, was so difficult to relive.
Gabe
Copyright © 2008 All rights reserved
R. Linda:
This morning yours truly decided to stop at a candy shoppe and pick up the peppermints Tonya loves. She mentioned she had a wee bit o' craving, yes she did. She said it like that with a hint of Irish accent and that just delights me to me toes when she talks like that, so I thought to be quite the sport and stop by the homemade candy place and get those peppermints, even if they do taste like toothpaste pumped inside a chocolate shell.
While I was there, I spied these giant maltesers or what looked like them. I had to have some, so I ordered a bag and off I went. I hopped in me car and decided to pop one in and was I ripe for a surprise. Instead of the malted soft ball I bit through a fudge coated hard ball. Yes, I did. Instantly causing pain to me jaw and a horrible crunching sound going off in me ears. The thing was so big I couldn't do anything put pull to the side of the road and spit it out. When I did, I noticed pieces of white in the chocolaty goop and thought at first it was pieces of nut, but no, they were really hard and as me tongue was cleaning the goo off me teeth, I felt a jagged patch of tooth. I had broke one of me pearlies! I contorted me lips so I could see the back tooth and sure enough, there be half a tooth back there.
Cursing, I fumbled with me mobile phone and called the dentist. He put me right in (the way I was talking I must have sounded like I be in a great deal of pain -- and I was at the thought that me perfect pearly whites were missing one lovely piece, that when I smiled (which was difficult, there was not a thing to smile about), one could see I was minus a good portion of tooth.
I got over there as fast as I could and was put in the chair, and me mouth was prodded and poked and there was much, "Uh huhs" and "Ooo's" making me eyes go wide at the thought of the damage, tears started running down me face. Well, okay that be a lie, but if I could have I would have let those tears free.
"Gabriel, we'll fix that up right now. I'll take a couple of impressions, file the tooth for temporary cap prep and you'll be good to go, but no caramel or hard candies."
Oh woe was me! Here I had 31 lovely pearls and one fake on the way. I sighed heavily and nodded. Doctor left me and his assistant came in with a metal tray. She had what looked like a Bratwurst heating in some kind of Dr Frankenstein canister. She took it out and squeezed the material into the tray and then with an "Open wide," inserted it in me mouth. I almost gagged from the tray jammed in far back to me palate. To make sure I didn't move it out she held it with her latex gloved fingers. You ever suck on latex? Let me tell you it is a vile taste it be.
Finally, after what seemed like an hour of gag reflex going off, she pries it, and I mean pries the tray out of me mouth. I thought all me teeth were coming with it. She yanked one final time and it came out with a suction sound that about flipped me backwards.
Before I could say a word she came at me with another tray and did me lower jaw. That was uncomfortable, me lower jaw was being held open by her pressure pushing fingers on the tray. The jaw felt like it had been open for years and it was hurting so much I can't describe the pain. Once the lower impressions were done, with the same pulling it out of me mouth as the top, another nurse came in to take x-rays of me damaged tooth. She did that and told me to try and relax awhile, they wouldn't be long. While the impressions were being poured and the x-ray developed I had time to scan the operatory walls. In front of me were large charts with all kinds of gum and tooth disease. Talk about relaxing, there be nothing relaxing about staring at gaping holes in teeth and beet red bleeding gums.
I was perfectly nauseous by the time the dentist and the first assistant returned with an acrylic tooth! Yes, a "cardboard" cutout of me old tooth, actually a facsimile of me old chopper. I sighed back into me chair when suddenly I see it, a huge needle dripping on the end with Novocain. Oi!
"Open wide now Gabe, you'll feel a pinch."
Never in me life have I had me mouth numbed. Oh yes, I've heard the stories and I laughed. Yeah I did, that back in the old days when I had perfect choppers.
The needle stung and I moved me head back as if that would get the needle away. The dentist injected in the front, then behind the broken pearly. Soon a slightly tingling sensation started in me gums and cheek. Not a good tingly sensation, an irritating one. It was dreadfully strange the way the novocain seemed to spread into the side of me face. I felt like me lips were bigger than Angelina Jolie's and me cheek must be dropped like the elephant man's down to the floor. I felt me own spit drooling out of the side of me mouth to drip, drip, drip on the napkin chained about me neck. Decidedly not a good time.
Suddenly me jaws were pried open and a metal clip was put around me broken tooth. The two of them working like demented demons put some kind of rubber sheet (they called it a rubber dam) around the tooth and this they stretched on a metal frame to keep it stretched. Then the dentist had the gall to ask me stuff. Why do they do that knowing full well you can't reply?
I didn't have to to react one way or the other, the whirr of the drill started and I saw it coming at me face. I quickly shut me eyes to blot it out but on the other side of me mouth I felt this plastic thing placed on me tongue and it was sucking up me tongue! Begorrah me, but they were going to suffocate yours truly! Or worse, suck me tongue out of me head and I'd be mute for the rest of me born days.
Me eyes flew open but I got a face full of water from the drill. The assistant asked if I wanted safety glasses. Safety glasses? If I could have spoken, I'd have asked her what in hades they were planning, but I couldn't move. She reached behind her and fitted goggles over me terrified eyes and the drill whirred again and off they went filing down me tooth and sucking me tongue up.
I closed me eyes resigned to get it over with. Before I knew it they were squirting water and air on the tooth or what was left of it. The dam came snapping out of me mouth, almost hitting me in the goggles and then the goggles were removed. Me numbed tongue gingerly found the tooth and oh my God, there was hardly any tooth left! It be a stump of it's former beautiful self. I be aghast, I can't find words to express me horror, but I didn't need to because instantly the acrylic tooth is glued into me head and a wad of cotton is stuck between the fake tooth and me lower choppers. I be told to "bite down hard and stay that way. Only be a couple of minutes Gabe, and you'll be good to go."
For joi! I be trying to bite down hard, but I can't feel me jaw so I don't know if I be biting down at all. The nurse finally sees me struggling and inserts a gloved finger under the fake tooth and pushes up holding it there as the drool be running out of me mouth onto the floor.
Finally, I be released from the finger, napkin and chair. I be unloaded of $600 instantly and told to make an appointment in a month. A month? And I will have me porcelain tooth which will so resemble the rest, no one will be the wiser it isn't the original. Great, bloody great! I go stumbling out into the rain and that doesn't help me mood one bit. I decide a cup of coffee is what I need, so I stop at the drive-thru at a Dunkin Donuts, and go to speak and find . . . I CANNOT!
The voice on the speaker says, "Welcome to Dunkin Donuts, can I interest you in a flat bread sandwich today?"
I tried to say no, a cup of coffee, cream only, only it sounded more like, "Nah agh coop agh taffy cram ooniee."
There was hesitation on the speaker when it crackled to life with this: "Did you say nah no cup of toffee cram it on me? What? What?"
"Nah, Ugh sayd agh coo of taffy cram ooniee." Big sigh followed that try.
"Sir, if you can't be respectful may I suggest you go to Starbucks down the street!"
Oi!
I decided to gun me car out of there and take her advice. I get to Starbucks and guess what? No drive thru, I have to go in. Oi, oi, oi!
So I slam out of me car, the right side of me face is totally numb and find it is starting to rain heavily. Only it wasn't rain, it was me drool hitting me as I moved. And I only realised this once I was inside and standing in line for service. I got out of line, grabbed a bunch of paper napkins and stood there back in line, mopping up the drool. Suddenly I notice the line got very short. I was the only one there and then I realised it was me drooling. Like a rabid dog the other customers left me. So holding the napkins to the right side of me mouth, I try to order a white chocolate vente. Do you know how hard it is to say "vente" with no feeling on one side of your face?
"Whiah shock o lot fen tay."
The Starbucks guy looked at me with his brow creased. He pointed at me and looks at his manager. I sigh, this is getting stupid now. The manager comes over and looks at me. I put me finger in the air signaling a minute please. I get the pen inside me jacket pocket, a dry paper napkin and write me order. That's great, I actually got the drink.
I decided to go to one of those cafe stands where you can put your drink on the tiny high top and stand there and drink it, well in my case, try to drink it. Having no experience with the effects of Novacain, I took a sip. Instantly I found me voice when the hot swig I took came back out and gushed over me tie, shirt, and good jacket. I was covered in what looked like baby vomit. Everyone stopped, I mean everyone and they all looked straight at me. Can you imagine the embarrassment I felt? Probably not (because you possibly had all your teeth filled and are very experienced with Novacain. You must be smug sitting there reading this).
Sadly, I slunk out of there as quickly as I could, grabbing a handful of paper napkins. I went to the car and cried I did like a girl, YES LIKE A GIRL. I chucked the vente in the trash and drove home. I threw off me soiled baby vomit-like clothing, got into me bed and stayed there until me mouth came back with feeling. And when it did, OH MY GOD, the gum around the fake tooth smarted like a dog sitting on a firecracker. WOWEY WOW WOW!
That's me sad arse tale. Sigh. That is why it took so long to write it, was so difficult to relive.
Gabe
Copyright © 2008 All rights reserved
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