07 July 2019
960
R. Linda:
I don't know what it be about women and shoes, but when I buy a pair, it doesn't take me trying on a whole store to find what I want. I go in, look at the selection on the shelf, tell the salesperson what I want and what size and boom I have shoes.
I'm beyond the fact that I have big feet and everything I put on looks like I am sporting boats. I don't see the premise in looking for a pair of shoes that will make me feet look smaller, just like that other torture, clothes shopping where the female of the species wants to know if what she's trying on makes her look fat.
I don't get it, and I hate going shoe and clothes shopping with the wife. If I can avoid it I do. However, SHE'S gotten wise to me excuses and now she finds something that will appeal to me to get me out of the house, say like, "Hey Gabe, let's go for ice cream!" and then once we are on the road she says, "Oh since we are going to be near Macy's let's stop there I need . . . " Yes, I don't get past the "I need" because I know it's either shoes or clothing, both equally tormenting to me brain.
Now this ambush hasn't happened to me in a long time, which goes to show how clever the wife's thinking be. She figures to let a trip go a long time and then whamo spring it on the husband when he least expects it and doesn't have time to think of an excuse not to go.
This be what happened to me this very day R. Linda, I got ambushed on me way out for a nice iced coffee, but as I was driving I was directed to go to Manchester where there be a Starbucks BECAUSE the wife had a yen for an iced coffee only Starbucks makes. I thought it was odd, yes I did, but then she wasn't acting like anything but how she usually acts when not in shopping mode. I fell for it, I drove all the way to Manchester (a 45-minute drive) for a special iced coffee. And once the iced coffees were in the car, she points at the Mall of New Hampshire and says, "Oh while we are here . . ."
I KNEW IT! Well no I didn't but I should have known it. Everything was going too smoothly and Gabe was happy with the cold coffee but no, Gabe wasn't going to enjoy his cold joe because now he was going to open his wallet for God knows what after a whole day of the wife trying everything in the mall on and asking that dreaded question, "Do I look fat in this?" and "Do these shoes make my feet look big?" Yeah those dastardly questions to which she asks for an honest answer but dare I tell any truth with a YES in it, I know me life will be a living hell for a very long, long, long time.
I found a parking place and told her I'd wait in the car and sip me coffee. No, that didn't work. We got into the mall and I said, I would walk around a bit and she said, UH NO I need you to tell me what looks good and what doesn't. I even gave a speech that after a lifetime of clothes and shoe shopping she should by NOW, know what looks good or doesn't on her. Nah that didn't work.
Luckily she was after shoes, and there was one shoe store she wanted to go to because she was buying shoes for her friend's wedding. They had to be silver, they had to have bling because that's what all the bridesmaids were going for. Each had a shade of the same colour, and different dresses, so now they were getting silver shoes but different ones for each. I asked why they didn't all go together, and Tonya told me they had, but she missed the trip because she was at a friend's baby shower, but that she had seen the shoes the rest of the "girls" had bought, so she knew what not to buy. Oh goodie.
We walked into the deep freeze which was probably not as cold as I thought it felt (I had been drinking the iced coffee after all), so for me it was chilly. I hunkered down in a chair with the iced coffee making me colder while the wife perused the shoes. She found a pair she loved, loved, loved! That's her description. She sat down next to me telling me to straighten up and I told her I was freezing, she told me to stop drinking the iced coffee and I told her I didn't want to, and then as the conversation was intensifying this tall, dark and handsome man named Daniel (I read his name tag) comes over and asks her if he can help her.
Once she caught her breath, she softly and in that little girl voice she can put on tells him, "Why yes you may Daniel." She hands him the shoe, and tells him she isn't sure of the size (flutters her eyelashes at him), but thinks she's an 8 and a half. So off he goes as she sits there sighing after him, completely forgetting WHO she be sitting next to. To bring her back to reality, I opened the top of the coffee container and started crunching on ice cubes, but she didn't react. She was sitting there all dreamy staring in the direction of the shoe guy, hands clutched in anticipation of his handsome return.
I crunched harder and almost broke me teeth but he returned and said to her he did not have that shoe in her size but he brought out two similar pairs in her size. Well, both were shoes already bought by the wedding party, so no no, maybe he has that shoe in a size larger? OK off he went, the same reaction sighing and staring like she was in dreamland all by herself. Yeah, don't mind me I be only the guy with the wallet. I tell ya!
Daniel came back and told her he didn't have a larger size but he does have an 8 would she like to try it? Oh sure, she would and off he goes and then comes back and breaks out the shoes and she puts a tootsie out and he cups it in his warm large hands and slips it on, all the time she be sitting there with a shite-eating grin and he straps it up and there you have it. And the best thing about this is he says, "Wow they fit, they look great, you have small feet."
OH YEAH SOLD! I almost spit out me ice cubes. She got up and walked around in them oohing and ahhing how nice they look and feel and how did he know the eights would be so perfect? (Well he's a shoe sales genius that's how.) I wanted to throw up. She sat back down, he gently took the shoes off, wrapped them up in the box, and told her to follow him to the counter and he'd ring her up. I bet he would, so I got up too and hoofed it right up to the counter where I interrupted the meeting of the mutual appreciation society and said, "HOW MUCH?" That worked and dispelled the bubble quite a bit quickly. Of course, when I heard HOW MUCH I wasn't thrilled and wanted to say that's highway robbery for a pair of glitzy shoes she will probably wear once, just like the expensive bridesmaid dress, but she had adjusted her vision and was focused on ME so I didn't dare say a word just handed over the credit card thinking I will have to go shoe shopping with her for the rest of me sad life. It wasn't I didn't trust Tonya, I didn't trust DANIEL. I could envision it, her going shoe shopping by herself and returning home with thousands of shoes all because Daniel said they make her feet look small!
I know you will tell me I be overreacting but really? Am I? No wonder the bridal party all got their shoes from that particular store. They all are in love with Daniel. And as I was waiting for the sale to be rung up, this older fellow who was also dragged into that store by his wife and was waiting their turn to check out, whispered to me from under his MAGA hat, "Don't worry he's a loser because all he could do was sell shoes!" Oh, thank you for that. By the look of Daniel, the loser was the furthest thing he looked, and the man's wife overheard that remark and whispered in an angry tone, "Oh stop, he probably owns the store." OK THEN.
So that was me great adventure UNTIL I was surprised by two zebras in the dark! Yes, R. Linda, they were standing together watching me no sound, just standing behind me. It was a fright it was. I was asked by me old neighbour if I would just stop in around 4:30 and throw some feed to his horses and make sure they were in their proper stalls. I knew he was on an outing with his friends who usually do that sort of thing for him, so being a good Do Bee I said I would. On the way home with the SHOES we stopped at his barn. We were under a severe T-storm alert and the sky was a dark slate with the rumbling of thunder, not a happy atmosphere. I ran in the barn to find the lights weren't working and it was dark so I got a feed bucket and went to the first stall and as I stepped inside, I saw there was no horse in it. The stall door to the paddock was open so I figured the horse was outside and I'd have to round him up with lightning flashing all around me. I dumped the grain, looked out into the paddock and no horse. Perplexed I came into the dark stall standing there wondering what to do, when something caught my eye and right in back of me, as I turned around were two zebras looking between the two bars of the next stall directly at me. I jumped a freaking mile I did! Talk about scary looking! These two weren't moving just staring and it started to register that these two I wasn't told about. Where did they come from, what did they do with the old guy's horses and are they tame?
Me eyes adjusted to the light and I realised one horse had a jet-black neck and the other a grey neck. They were wearing masks! Who would make Halloween for horses on July 7th? Realising me mistake I went outside and into the next stall and sure enough, those were horses, not zebras. I bought the one into his stall and closed him up. Then I went around and did the same with the grey and dumped a bucket of grain for that one and done! I found out later the masks are called fly masks to keep the files off the horse's faces. It seems the zebra pattern confuses the flies and they leave the animal alone. Who knew? I could have been warned first, me heart was still racing and I was in a state of nervous agitation after that little episode. Gees, shoes and zebras all on the same day!
Gabe
Copyright © 2019 All rights reserved
960
R. Linda:
I don't know what it be about women and shoes, but when I buy a pair, it doesn't take me trying on a whole store to find what I want. I go in, look at the selection on the shelf, tell the salesperson what I want and what size and boom I have shoes.
I'm beyond the fact that I have big feet and everything I put on looks like I am sporting boats. I don't see the premise in looking for a pair of shoes that will make me feet look smaller, just like that other torture, clothes shopping where the female of the species wants to know if what she's trying on makes her look fat.
I don't get it, and I hate going shoe and clothes shopping with the wife. If I can avoid it I do. However, SHE'S gotten wise to me excuses and now she finds something that will appeal to me to get me out of the house, say like, "Hey Gabe, let's go for ice cream!" and then once we are on the road she says, "Oh since we are going to be near Macy's let's stop there I need . . . " Yes, I don't get past the "I need" because I know it's either shoes or clothing, both equally tormenting to me brain.
Now this ambush hasn't happened to me in a long time, which goes to show how clever the wife's thinking be. She figures to let a trip go a long time and then whamo spring it on the husband when he least expects it and doesn't have time to think of an excuse not to go.
This be what happened to me this very day R. Linda, I got ambushed on me way out for a nice iced coffee, but as I was driving I was directed to go to Manchester where there be a Starbucks BECAUSE the wife had a yen for an iced coffee only Starbucks makes. I thought it was odd, yes I did, but then she wasn't acting like anything but how she usually acts when not in shopping mode. I fell for it, I drove all the way to Manchester (a 45-minute drive) for a special iced coffee. And once the iced coffees were in the car, she points at the Mall of New Hampshire and says, "Oh while we are here . . ."
I KNEW IT! Well no I didn't but I should have known it. Everything was going too smoothly and Gabe was happy with the cold coffee but no, Gabe wasn't going to enjoy his cold joe because now he was going to open his wallet for God knows what after a whole day of the wife trying everything in the mall on and asking that dreaded question, "Do I look fat in this?" and "Do these shoes make my feet look big?" Yeah those dastardly questions to which she asks for an honest answer but dare I tell any truth with a YES in it, I know me life will be a living hell for a very long, long, long time.
I found a parking place and told her I'd wait in the car and sip me coffee. No, that didn't work. We got into the mall and I said, I would walk around a bit and she said, UH NO I need you to tell me what looks good and what doesn't. I even gave a speech that after a lifetime of clothes and shoe shopping she should by NOW, know what looks good or doesn't on her. Nah that didn't work.
Luckily she was after shoes, and there was one shoe store she wanted to go to because she was buying shoes for her friend's wedding. They had to be silver, they had to have bling because that's what all the bridesmaids were going for. Each had a shade of the same colour, and different dresses, so now they were getting silver shoes but different ones for each. I asked why they didn't all go together, and Tonya told me they had, but she missed the trip because she was at a friend's baby shower, but that she had seen the shoes the rest of the "girls" had bought, so she knew what not to buy. Oh goodie.
We walked into the deep freeze which was probably not as cold as I thought it felt (I had been drinking the iced coffee after all), so for me it was chilly. I hunkered down in a chair with the iced coffee making me colder while the wife perused the shoes. She found a pair she loved, loved, loved! That's her description. She sat down next to me telling me to straighten up and I told her I was freezing, she told me to stop drinking the iced coffee and I told her I didn't want to, and then as the conversation was intensifying this tall, dark and handsome man named Daniel (I read his name tag) comes over and asks her if he can help her.
Once she caught her breath, she softly and in that little girl voice she can put on tells him, "Why yes you may Daniel." She hands him the shoe, and tells him she isn't sure of the size (flutters her eyelashes at him), but thinks she's an 8 and a half. So off he goes as she sits there sighing after him, completely forgetting WHO she be sitting next to. To bring her back to reality, I opened the top of the coffee container and started crunching on ice cubes, but she didn't react. She was sitting there all dreamy staring in the direction of the shoe guy, hands clutched in anticipation of his handsome return.
I crunched harder and almost broke me teeth but he returned and said to her he did not have that shoe in her size but he brought out two similar pairs in her size. Well, both were shoes already bought by the wedding party, so no no, maybe he has that shoe in a size larger? OK off he went, the same reaction sighing and staring like she was in dreamland all by herself. Yeah, don't mind me I be only the guy with the wallet. I tell ya!
Daniel came back and told her he didn't have a larger size but he does have an 8 would she like to try it? Oh sure, she would and off he goes and then comes back and breaks out the shoes and she puts a tootsie out and he cups it in his warm large hands and slips it on, all the time she be sitting there with a shite-eating grin and he straps it up and there you have it. And the best thing about this is he says, "Wow they fit, they look great, you have small feet."
OH YEAH SOLD! I almost spit out me ice cubes. She got up and walked around in them oohing and ahhing how nice they look and feel and how did he know the eights would be so perfect? (Well he's a shoe sales genius that's how.) I wanted to throw up. She sat back down, he gently took the shoes off, wrapped them up in the box, and told her to follow him to the counter and he'd ring her up. I bet he would, so I got up too and hoofed it right up to the counter where I interrupted the meeting of the mutual appreciation society and said, "HOW MUCH?" That worked and dispelled the bubble quite a bit quickly. Of course, when I heard HOW MUCH I wasn't thrilled and wanted to say that's highway robbery for a pair of glitzy shoes she will probably wear once, just like the expensive bridesmaid dress, but she had adjusted her vision and was focused on ME so I didn't dare say a word just handed over the credit card thinking I will have to go shoe shopping with her for the rest of me sad life. It wasn't I didn't trust Tonya, I didn't trust DANIEL. I could envision it, her going shoe shopping by herself and returning home with thousands of shoes all because Daniel said they make her feet look small!
I know you will tell me I be overreacting but really? Am I? No wonder the bridal party all got their shoes from that particular store. They all are in love with Daniel. And as I was waiting for the sale to be rung up, this older fellow who was also dragged into that store by his wife and was waiting their turn to check out, whispered to me from under his MAGA hat, "Don't worry he's a loser because all he could do was sell shoes!" Oh, thank you for that. By the look of Daniel, the loser was the furthest thing he looked, and the man's wife overheard that remark and whispered in an angry tone, "Oh stop, he probably owns the store." OK THEN.
So that was me great adventure UNTIL I was surprised by two zebras in the dark! Yes, R. Linda, they were standing together watching me no sound, just standing behind me. It was a fright it was. I was asked by me old neighbour if I would just stop in around 4:30 and throw some feed to his horses and make sure they were in their proper stalls. I knew he was on an outing with his friends who usually do that sort of thing for him, so being a good Do Bee I said I would. On the way home with the SHOES we stopped at his barn. We were under a severe T-storm alert and the sky was a dark slate with the rumbling of thunder, not a happy atmosphere. I ran in the barn to find the lights weren't working and it was dark so I got a feed bucket and went to the first stall and as I stepped inside, I saw there was no horse in it. The stall door to the paddock was open so I figured the horse was outside and I'd have to round him up with lightning flashing all around me. I dumped the grain, looked out into the paddock and no horse. Perplexed I came into the dark stall standing there wondering what to do, when something caught my eye and right in back of me, as I turned around were two zebras looking between the two bars of the next stall directly at me. I jumped a freaking mile I did! Talk about scary looking! These two weren't moving just staring and it started to register that these two I wasn't told about. Where did they come from, what did they do with the old guy's horses and are they tame?
Me eyes adjusted to the light and I realised one horse had a jet-black neck and the other a grey neck. They were wearing masks! Who would make Halloween for horses on July 7th? Realising me mistake I went outside and into the next stall and sure enough, those were horses, not zebras. I bought the one into his stall and closed him up. Then I went around and did the same with the grey and dumped a bucket of grain for that one and done! I found out later the masks are called fly masks to keep the files off the horse's faces. It seems the zebra pattern confuses the flies and they leave the animal alone. Who knew? I could have been warned first, me heart was still racing and I was in a state of nervous agitation after that little episode. Gees, shoes and zebras all on the same day!
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| Imagine this in the dark |
Copyright © 2019 All rights reserved
9 comments:
Only one woman I know with a shoe fetish and she shall remain nameless, but she knows who she is. As to the zebras, were they white with black stripes or black with white stripes?
Roflmao an adventure! Shoe guys flirt to sell shoes. All women want to have small feet. Except me. My shoe shopping is done in little boys shop. You guys get worried over silly. Flirting is fun and funny. I've seen fly masks, they're creepy. The horses get fly crap in their eyes and can get infected
look at it this way you are spending quality time with your wife and all those shoes ha ha!
Argh! I can think of nothing more painful than tagging along as a woman selects footwear. I'd rather be burnt at the stake.
Always one smarty arse
If you are in the little kids shoe department I'd imagine you are a pain in the butt too. I'd think the selection was too childish and you'd be hopping mad about the none selection for hobbits.
I feel your pain!
I love shoes, but ever since I broke my foot I have to pick more carefully which means I spend even longer in the shoe shop 👠lol.
It was nice to come back from holiday to all these new stories. And you've been busy, what with snakes, hippies, shoes and zebras, you have thoroughly managed to entertain me! LOL
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