07 July 2019
960
R. Linda:
I don't know what it is about women and shoes, but when I buy a pair, it doesn't take me trying on a whole store to find what I want. I go in, look at the selection on the shelf, tell the salesperson what I want and what size and boom, I have shoes.
I'm beyond the fact that I have big feet, and everything I put on looks like I am sporting boats. I don't see the premise in looking for a pair of shoes that will make my feet look smaller, just like that other torture, clothes shopping where the female of the species wants to know if what she's trying on makes her look fat.
I don't get it! I hate going shoe and clothes shopping with the wife. If I can avoid it, I do. However, SHE'S gotten wise to me excuses. Now she finds something that will appeal to me to get me out of the house, say like, "Hey Gabe, let's go for ice cream!" and then once we are on the road, she says, "Oh, since we are going to be near Macy's let's stop there I need . . . " Yes, I don't get past the "I need" because I know it's either shoes or clothing, both equally tormenting to me brain.
This ambush hasn't happened to me in a long time, which shows how clever the wife's thinking is. She figures to let a trip go a long time and then whammo spring it on the husband when he least expects it and doesn't have time to think of an excuse not to go.
This is what happened to me this very day, R. Linda. I got ambushed on me way out for a nice iced coffee. While driving, I was directed to go to Manchester where there was a Starbucks BECAUSE the wife had a yen for an iced coffee only Starbucks makes. I thought it was odd, yes I did, but then she wasn't acting like anything but how she usually acts when not in shopping mode. I fell for it. I drove all the way to Manchester (a 45-minute drive) for a special iced coffee. Once the iced coffees were in the car, she pointed at the Mall of New Hampshire and said, "Oh, while we are here . . ."
I KNEW IT! Well, no, I didn't, but I should have known it. Everything was going too smoothly. Gabe was happy with the cold coffee, but no, Gabe wasn't going to enjoy his cold joe because now he was going to open his wallet for God knows what after a whole day of the wife trying everything in the mall on and asking that dreaded question, "Do I look fat in this?" and "Do these shoes make my feet look big?" Yeah, those dastardly questions to which she asks for an honest answer, but dare I tell any truth with a YES in it, I know my life will be a living hell for a very long, long, long time.
I found a parking spot and told her I'd wait in the car and sip me coffee. No, that didn't work. We got into the mall, and I said I would walk around a bit, and she said, "UH, no, I need you to tell me what looks good and what doesn't." I even gave a speech that after a lifetime of clothes and shoe shopping, she should, by now, know what looks good or doesn't on her. Nah, that didn't work.
Luckily, she was after shoes, and there was one shoe store she wanted to go to because she was buying shoes for her friend's wedding. They had to be silver. They had to have bling because that's what all the bridesmaids were going for. Each had a shade of the same colour and different dresses, so now they were getting silver shoes but different ones for each. I asked why they didn't all go together, and Tonya told me they had, but she missed the trip because she was at a friend's baby shower. That she had seen the shoes the rest of the "girls" had bought, so she knew what not to buy. Oh goodie.
We walked into the deep freeze, which was probably not as cold as I thought it felt (I had been drinking the iced coffee, after all), so for me, it was chilly. I hunkered down in a chair with the iced coffee making me colder while the wife perused the shoes. She found a pair she loved, loved, loved! That's her description. She sat beside me, telling me to straighten up, and I told her I was freezing. She told me to stop drinking the iced coffee, and I told her I didn't want to. Then, as the conversation intensified, this tall, dark and handsome man named Daniel (I read his name tag) came over and asked her if he could help her.
Once she caught her breath, she softly and in that little girl voice she can put on, tells him, "Why, yes you may, Daniel." She hands him the shoe and tells him she isn't sure of the size (flutters her eyelashes at him). She thinks she's an 8 and a half. So off he goes as she sits there sighing after him, completely forgetting WHO she be sitting next to. To bring her back to reality, I opened the top of the coffee container and started crunching on ice cubes, but she didn't react. She was sitting there all dreamy, staring in the direction of the shoe guy, hands clutched in anticipation of his handsome return.
I crunched harder and almost broke me teeth as he returned and said to her he did not have that shoe in her size, but he brought out two similar pairs in her size. Well, both were shoes already bought by the wedding party, so no no, maybe he has that shoe in a size larger? OK, off he went, and the same reaction, sighing and staring like she was in dreamland all by herself. Yeah, don't mind me, I be only the guy with the wallet. I tell ya!
Daniel returned and told her he didn't have a larger size, but he did have an 8. Would she like to try it? Oh sure, she would and off he goes and then comes back and breaks out the shoes. She puts a tootsie out, and he cups it in his warm, large hands and slips it on. All the time, she is sitting there with a shit-eating grin, and he straps it up, and there you have it. And the best thing about this is he says, "Wow, they fit, they look great, you have small feet."
OH YEAH SOLD! I almost spit out my ice cubes. She got up and walked around in them oohing and ahhing how nice they looked and felt, and how did he know the eights would be so perfect? (Well, he's a shoe sales genius, that's how.) I wanted to throw up. She sat back down. He gently took the shoes off, wrapped them up in the box, and told her to follow him to the counter, and he'd ring her up. I bet he would, so I got up too and hoofed it right up to the counter, where I interrupted the meeting of the mutual appreciation society and said, "HOW MUCH?" That worked and dispelled the bubble quite a bit quickly. Of course, when I heard HOW MUCH I wasn't thrilled and wanted to say that's highway robbery for a pair of glitzy shoes she would probably wear once, just like the expensive bridesmaid dress. Still, she had adjusted her vision and was focused on ME, so I didn't dare say a word more, just handed over the credit card, thinking I will have to go shoe shopping with her for the rest of me sad life. It wasn't I didn't trust Tonya, I didn't trust DANIEL. I could envision it, her going shoe shopping by herself and returning home with thousands of shoes all because Daniel said they make her feet look tiny!
I know you will tell me I be overreacting but really? Am I? No wonder the bridal party all got their shoes from that particular store. They all are in love with Daniel. And as I was waiting for the sale to be rung up, this older fellow, who was also dragged into that store by his wife and was waiting their turn to check out, whispered to me from under his MAGA hat, "Don't worry, he's a loser because all he can do was sell shoes!" Oh, thank you for that. By the look of Daniel, the loser was the furthest thing he looked, and the man's wife overheard that remark and whispered in an angry tone, "Oh stop, he probably owns the store." OK THEN.
So that was me great adventure UNTIL I was surprised by two zebras in the dark! Yes, R. Linda, they were standing together watching me. No sound, just standing behind me. It was a fright it was. I was asked by me old neighbour if I would just stop in around 4:30 and throw some feed to his horses and make sure they were in their proper stalls. I knew he was on an outing with his friends, who usually do that sort of thing for him, so being a good Do Bee, I said I would. On the way home with the SHOES, we stopped at his barn. We were under a severe T-storm alert, and the sky was a dark slate with the rumbling of thunder, not a happy atmosphere. I ran into the barn to find the lights weren't working. It was dark so I got a feed bucket and went to the first stall, and as I stepped inside, I saw no horse in it. The stall door to the paddock was open, so I figured the horse was outside. I'd have to round him up with lightning flashing all around me. I dumped the grain, looked out into the paddock and no horse. Perplexed, I came into the dark stall, standing there wondering what to do, when something caught my eye and right in back of me. As I turned around, two zebras were looking between the two bars of the next stall directly at me. I jumped a freaking mile I did! Talk about scary-looking! These two weren't moving, just staring, and it started to register that these two, I wasn't told about. Where did they come from, what did they do with the old guy's horses, and are they tame?
My eyes adjusted to the light. I realised one horse had a jet-black neck and the other a grey neck. They were wearing masks! Who would make Halloween for horses on July 7th? Realising my mistake, I went outside and into the next stall and sure enough, those were horses, not zebras. I brought the one into his stall and closed him up. Then I went around and did the same with the grey and dumped a bucket of grain for that one and done! I found out later the masks are called fly masks to keep the files off the horse's faces. It seems the zebra pattern confuses the flies. They leave the animal alone. Who knew? I could have been warned first; me heart was still racing, and I was in a state of nervous agitation after that little episode. Gees, shoes and zebras all on the same day!
960
R. Linda:
I don't know what it is about women and shoes, but when I buy a pair, it doesn't take me trying on a whole store to find what I want. I go in, look at the selection on the shelf, tell the salesperson what I want and what size and boom, I have shoes.
I'm beyond the fact that I have big feet, and everything I put on looks like I am sporting boats. I don't see the premise in looking for a pair of shoes that will make my feet look smaller, just like that other torture, clothes shopping where the female of the species wants to know if what she's trying on makes her look fat.
I don't get it! I hate going shoe and clothes shopping with the wife. If I can avoid it, I do. However, SHE'S gotten wise to me excuses. Now she finds something that will appeal to me to get me out of the house, say like, "Hey Gabe, let's go for ice cream!" and then once we are on the road, she says, "Oh, since we are going to be near Macy's let's stop there I need . . . " Yes, I don't get past the "I need" because I know it's either shoes or clothing, both equally tormenting to me brain.
This ambush hasn't happened to me in a long time, which shows how clever the wife's thinking is. She figures to let a trip go a long time and then whammo spring it on the husband when he least expects it and doesn't have time to think of an excuse not to go.
This is what happened to me this very day, R. Linda. I got ambushed on me way out for a nice iced coffee. While driving, I was directed to go to Manchester where there was a Starbucks BECAUSE the wife had a yen for an iced coffee only Starbucks makes. I thought it was odd, yes I did, but then she wasn't acting like anything but how she usually acts when not in shopping mode. I fell for it. I drove all the way to Manchester (a 45-minute drive) for a special iced coffee. Once the iced coffees were in the car, she pointed at the Mall of New Hampshire and said, "Oh, while we are here . . ."
I KNEW IT! Well, no, I didn't, but I should have known it. Everything was going too smoothly. Gabe was happy with the cold coffee, but no, Gabe wasn't going to enjoy his cold joe because now he was going to open his wallet for God knows what after a whole day of the wife trying everything in the mall on and asking that dreaded question, "Do I look fat in this?" and "Do these shoes make my feet look big?" Yeah, those dastardly questions to which she asks for an honest answer, but dare I tell any truth with a YES in it, I know my life will be a living hell for a very long, long, long time.
I found a parking spot and told her I'd wait in the car and sip me coffee. No, that didn't work. We got into the mall, and I said I would walk around a bit, and she said, "UH, no, I need you to tell me what looks good and what doesn't." I even gave a speech that after a lifetime of clothes and shoe shopping, she should, by now, know what looks good or doesn't on her. Nah, that didn't work.
Luckily, she was after shoes, and there was one shoe store she wanted to go to because she was buying shoes for her friend's wedding. They had to be silver. They had to have bling because that's what all the bridesmaids were going for. Each had a shade of the same colour and different dresses, so now they were getting silver shoes but different ones for each. I asked why they didn't all go together, and Tonya told me they had, but she missed the trip because she was at a friend's baby shower. That she had seen the shoes the rest of the "girls" had bought, so she knew what not to buy. Oh goodie.
We walked into the deep freeze, which was probably not as cold as I thought it felt (I had been drinking the iced coffee, after all), so for me, it was chilly. I hunkered down in a chair with the iced coffee making me colder while the wife perused the shoes. She found a pair she loved, loved, loved! That's her description. She sat beside me, telling me to straighten up, and I told her I was freezing. She told me to stop drinking the iced coffee, and I told her I didn't want to. Then, as the conversation intensified, this tall, dark and handsome man named Daniel (I read his name tag) came over and asked her if he could help her.
Once she caught her breath, she softly and in that little girl voice she can put on, tells him, "Why, yes you may, Daniel." She hands him the shoe and tells him she isn't sure of the size (flutters her eyelashes at him). She thinks she's an 8 and a half. So off he goes as she sits there sighing after him, completely forgetting WHO she be sitting next to. To bring her back to reality, I opened the top of the coffee container and started crunching on ice cubes, but she didn't react. She was sitting there all dreamy, staring in the direction of the shoe guy, hands clutched in anticipation of his handsome return.
I crunched harder and almost broke me teeth as he returned and said to her he did not have that shoe in her size, but he brought out two similar pairs in her size. Well, both were shoes already bought by the wedding party, so no no, maybe he has that shoe in a size larger? OK, off he went, and the same reaction, sighing and staring like she was in dreamland all by herself. Yeah, don't mind me, I be only the guy with the wallet. I tell ya!
Daniel returned and told her he didn't have a larger size, but he did have an 8. Would she like to try it? Oh sure, she would and off he goes and then comes back and breaks out the shoes. She puts a tootsie out, and he cups it in his warm, large hands and slips it on. All the time, she is sitting there with a shit-eating grin, and he straps it up, and there you have it. And the best thing about this is he says, "Wow, they fit, they look great, you have small feet."
OH YEAH SOLD! I almost spit out my ice cubes. She got up and walked around in them oohing and ahhing how nice they looked and felt, and how did he know the eights would be so perfect? (Well, he's a shoe sales genius, that's how.) I wanted to throw up. She sat back down. He gently took the shoes off, wrapped them up in the box, and told her to follow him to the counter, and he'd ring her up. I bet he would, so I got up too and hoofed it right up to the counter, where I interrupted the meeting of the mutual appreciation society and said, "HOW MUCH?" That worked and dispelled the bubble quite a bit quickly. Of course, when I heard HOW MUCH I wasn't thrilled and wanted to say that's highway robbery for a pair of glitzy shoes she would probably wear once, just like the expensive bridesmaid dress. Still, she had adjusted her vision and was focused on ME, so I didn't dare say a word more, just handed over the credit card, thinking I will have to go shoe shopping with her for the rest of me sad life. It wasn't I didn't trust Tonya, I didn't trust DANIEL. I could envision it, her going shoe shopping by herself and returning home with thousands of shoes all because Daniel said they make her feet look tiny!
I know you will tell me I be overreacting but really? Am I? No wonder the bridal party all got their shoes from that particular store. They all are in love with Daniel. And as I was waiting for the sale to be rung up, this older fellow, who was also dragged into that store by his wife and was waiting their turn to check out, whispered to me from under his MAGA hat, "Don't worry, he's a loser because all he can do was sell shoes!" Oh, thank you for that. By the look of Daniel, the loser was the furthest thing he looked, and the man's wife overheard that remark and whispered in an angry tone, "Oh stop, he probably owns the store." OK THEN.
So that was me great adventure UNTIL I was surprised by two zebras in the dark! Yes, R. Linda, they were standing together watching me. No sound, just standing behind me. It was a fright it was. I was asked by me old neighbour if I would just stop in around 4:30 and throw some feed to his horses and make sure they were in their proper stalls. I knew he was on an outing with his friends, who usually do that sort of thing for him, so being a good Do Bee, I said I would. On the way home with the SHOES, we stopped at his barn. We were under a severe T-storm alert, and the sky was a dark slate with the rumbling of thunder, not a happy atmosphere. I ran into the barn to find the lights weren't working. It was dark so I got a feed bucket and went to the first stall, and as I stepped inside, I saw no horse in it. The stall door to the paddock was open, so I figured the horse was outside. I'd have to round him up with lightning flashing all around me. I dumped the grain, looked out into the paddock and no horse. Perplexed, I came into the dark stall, standing there wondering what to do, when something caught my eye and right in back of me. As I turned around, two zebras were looking between the two bars of the next stall directly at me. I jumped a freaking mile I did! Talk about scary-looking! These two weren't moving, just staring, and it started to register that these two, I wasn't told about. Where did they come from, what did they do with the old guy's horses, and are they tame?
My eyes adjusted to the light. I realised one horse had a jet-black neck and the other a grey neck. They were wearing masks! Who would make Halloween for horses on July 7th? Realising my mistake, I went outside and into the next stall and sure enough, those were horses, not zebras. I brought the one into his stall and closed him up. Then I went around and did the same with the grey and dumped a bucket of grain for that one and done! I found out later the masks are called fly masks to keep the files off the horse's faces. It seems the zebra pattern confuses the flies. They leave the animal alone. Who knew? I could have been warned first; me heart was still racing, and I was in a state of nervous agitation after that little episode. Gees, shoes and zebras all on the same day!
 |
| Imagine this in the dark |
Gabe
Copyright © 2019 All rights reserved
Copyright © 2019 All rights reserved
